Need advice! Help :(

[ticklechambers]

My boyfriend has a fetish, something I'm not disclosing because I promised him my lips were sealed.
I'm not overly comfortable with the fetish, but am happy to make exceptions because I care about him. However,

He expresses this fetish through back and forth erotic writing RP with another woman. They don't talk to each other, they just write their stories back and forth. However,

This person who shares his fetish is his ex gf who he dated for four years and almost proposed to. She lives in another country and they don't talk anymore.

He is happy to include me in writing these stories, but refuses to stop writing to her because he enjoys it so much and it's not the same writing to me because I don't share the fetish.

I was trying to talk to him about it tonight... opening up to him telling him how i felt. he got defensive and said "I'm not going to stop writing with her. It's fun and I enjoy it. I enjoy very few things, and I will keep doing this. However you want to justify that or get annoyed at that or whatever is fine, but I'm just telling you the simple facts so you can figure out what you want to do with it."

I said, "I'm trying to open up to you and get reassurance and you're attacking me."

Then he said "You're right. I should shut up. I'm defensive because I feel like you're bringing it up over and over, and because I feel like you're trying to force me to stop the RP with my ex to replace it with you, and I've had a super long day and just feel like a big pile of horse shit. I'm taking it out on you. I'll calm down."

He is being unfair I think, but he really doesn't want to stop doing it. I don't want to be the type of partner who asks him to stop... but now I think that he would choose writing to her over dating me if that's what it came down to.

I want to let him write while feeling secure that he would choose me if i needed him to.

but now i know that's not the case, i don't feel secure.

I would be willing to do everything involved in it if he asked me to, and he doesn't mind me participating, but he doesn't want to stop writing to her no matter what I do. He can go without my participation but not without her writing. He said that because i don't share the fetish then it wont be the same and because she's a good writer he wants to do the writing with her, and not anyone else he could find on a fetish forum.

This makes me feel insecure and not good enough.

Of course, i would never have asked him to stop writing to her. But yeah... I just need to know i'm going to come first before his ex and erotic stories

I'm not worried he will cheat. I just wanted to feel like he would choose me if it came down to it.
but he wouldn't.
and i think i deserve better than that.

Yet in every other way I think he is my perfect man, and I've been so happy until now. What should I do?

 

[voided9]

If he's doing something with another woman - ESPECIALLY an ex - that you are uncomfortable with, then he does not need to be doing it. If he truly loves you, you should come first to him and he should LISTEN to you and your feelings about this stuff. I can tell you if my man was talking to an ex and I didn't like it, he'd either stop or I'd be gone. It's a respect issue. I'd suggest having a serious talk and telling him "Look, I'm not comfortable with this and *I* am your girlfriend, NOT her, and I don't like this. You need to cut it out." I'm sorry he's putting you through this - you have been super generous and supportive of him in letting this go on for so long. But if this is making you feel insecure, he needs to cut it out. Hope it works out for you love.

 

[Mitchell]

chambers, first let me say that I'm sorry this is happening to you.

I absolutely agree with Brandi. You are his gf now, and should come first. I can understand why his writing such things to his ex is making you so uncomfortable.

He really should stop, cold turkey. You seem to be someone who is willing to indulge him in his fetish and his fantasies. It would seem that would be a Godsend to someone with a fetish.

I had a similar situation happen to me in the late 1990s. I met a girl from the United States, state of Georgia, who first started as a pen pal, and then we graduated to phone, met, and started seeing each other, even though it was long distance, as I lived in the state of New Jersey at the time, which was.. 1000 miles away.

At the time she began talking to and seeing me, she had broken up with a guy, who she had been with for sometime. At some point.. he came back into her life while she and I were dating, and she told me he was just a "friend", but was "committed to me". She lived 1000 miles from me, so I couldn't see her every week, etc. When I brought up to her about him, she would get defensive, even though she swore she was committed to me. Our relationship eventually ended due to religious differences, but for the whole time the ex bf came back into her life, until the time she and I split up, I was very uncomfortable.

I suggest having a serious talk with him. As his gf, you have the right to tell him not to talk to this girl, etc, especially in the way that he is.

Good Luck. I hope it works out for you.

 

[Brock Samson]

I'm a pretty blunt person, and it's nice to meet you, by the way!

This is a pretty big deal, seeing as how it is his ex. When you're with someone, you should be with that person. There are plenty of people who are into sharing their significant other when it comes to fetish play. You don't seem to be one of those people, and have expressed not only your discomfort with his contacting someone he used to date, but also your willingness to support him and indulge him in his 'activities'. He seems to be doing all the taking in this scenario and none of the giving.....that is unhealthy. It's not fair to you, and I don't think that an ultimatum is out of the question. If he does in fact pick writing his ex over interacting with someone he supposedly care about, then he might not be as perfect for you as you think, and he doesn't deserve you.

But that's just my opinion. Whatever you decide, I wish you luck!

 

[Myriads]

I'm in a bit of a rush this eve, so this may sound overly blunt.

Your partner has told you that he has a fetish, and that it's important to him. Further he has told you that it is important to him that his partner enjoy it also. This is pretty decent communication.

You do not enjoy his fetish. You tolerate it. Which is different then enjoying it. That you will do it, is not enough. His enjoyment is conditional on his partner ENJOYING the experience. You cannot fill this need.

He has told you that being able to experience his fetish as he feels he needs is a non conditional item in his life.

You cannot supply him with what he wants.

However it seems he likes all the other aspects of his relationship with you, and values the relationship.

He's found a solution where he is happy, and able to sate his fetish desires, and has been open to you about how he does it. A limited interaction with a former partner, where both get off via typed words.

He is not choosing the interaction over you. You are not a choice. You don't fill his needs. He is choosing to do what he feels he needs to fill his fetish desires with a partner that he KNOWS enjoys it also.

He's choosing an activity that allows him to function in your relationship. He's been open about that, and he's been clear that if you refuse the outlet, he'll go.

He's put the ball in your court. He's told you what he wants, why he wants it, and why he's getting it as he is. He's also told you what will happen if you say stop or else. He'll take else.

So you now have to decide this, can I live with this interaction, and have the relationship or not?

If so, drop it and get on with things.
If not, terminate the relationship and move on.

Myriads

 

[shark]

but now i know that's not the case, i don't feel secure.

I would be willing to do everything involved in it if he asked me to, and he doesn't mind me participating, but he doesn't want to stop writing to her no matter what I do. He can go without my participation but not without her writing. He said that because i don't share the fetish then it wont be the same and because she's a good writer he wants to do the writing with her, and not anyone else he could find on a fetish forum.

This makes me feel insecure and not good enough.

Of course, i would never have asked him to stop writing to her. But yeah... I just need to know i'm going to come first before his ex and erotic stories

I'm not worried he will cheat. I just wanted to feel like he would choose me if it came down to it.
but he wouldn't.
and i think i deserve better than that.

After reading this, it makes me wonder why you're still with him at all.