On rare occasion, i sit behind my keyboard and let mindless personal dribble escape me. Maybe it's having all the seratonin/endorphins dumped from my body as a good tickling session generally does (which is partly my theory on why so many feel so sad coming home from NEST). I spent the week sorta reflecting on the past four years since i've been a member of the forum, how i got started here, and how finally attending a NEST has somehow sealed up a major chapter of my life. I promise, though it is long winded, it does kinda have a point.
I joined the tmf in June of 2005, just a few days after the 05 NEST (which if i'm not mistaken did occur the first weekend in June that year). I'd never heard of such a thing, never even considered it as an appreciation anyone else had until then. At the time i was kinda having a rough time. I was headlong into a longstanding abusive marriage and the only real escape (as i wasn't allowed to have friends or leave the house) i had from the heavy weight of my life was listening to stories of this thing called NEST from my only real friend at the time. Listening to his lilting retellings of people i thought i would never actually meet, laughing at the silly antics and what not i could easily forget that i was trapped where i was. Somehow, even though i knew it was just a kind of fantasy, i already felt like i belonged somewhere.
"No one would want to be around you!"
Sometimes i believed it, yet as i read the Nest threads that year, gaining a bit of delight in how wonderful it all seemed, often i would catch myself wondering if i too would be welcome among these people. For a couple years, the tmf and especially all the nest threads, with their promise of some kind of uncommon comraderie (sp?) kept me afloat. I never actually thought i would/could actually be around all the wonderful people that i felt like i had gotten to know. But, it was something nice to imagine when life seemed less than desireable.
My life changed, i broke free, i went out on a limb and met gothika.. and well, after that, all those times i felt like i wanted to actually know someone, i acted on it. Slowly i broke free of myself and my reservations... Then came Nest. Honestly i had no real intention of going at first. I was actually kinda afraid to bust up the years of dreaming i'd done about it, i was afraid that i would find that it wasn't so wonderful as i had imagined. I was, however, kinda on a tirade of proving myself wrong. I attended a couple small gatherings, a couple munches. Encouraged i decided to go to NEST. I wanted to see old friends, feel that familiar ache of longing that can never be eased as i gazed into a face i thought i would never see again, and meet as many new people as i possibly could.
"no one would want to be around you." ... If he could have seen me this weekend. I felt happier than i have felt in about ten years. I wanted to jump up to everyone i met, even people that weren't attending NEST at the hotel, and say hi and introduce myself. For the most part, i did. I met SO MANY WONDERFUL PEOPLE that each night i finally creeped to bed during NEST i actually cried a little bit. This couldn't be my life, this couldn't REALLY be happening.. this doesn't happen to me.
I left early Monday without a single goodbye to anyone. I know, how crappy! I couldn't do it, honestly. I'd waited four years to meet you guys and you far surpassed even the dreams i had that kept me afloat for so long. I feel like a new person. Since then i seem to just plain feel more beautiful, more worthy, glad to be alive. I sang in a convenience store today. I wore a pair of shorts without checking every 5 minutes to glare at my huge pale legs. I'm a real person, and i'm loved.
Thank You just doesn't seem to be enough... but it's all i've got.
I joined the tmf in June of 2005, just a few days after the 05 NEST (which if i'm not mistaken did occur the first weekend in June that year). I'd never heard of such a thing, never even considered it as an appreciation anyone else had until then. At the time i was kinda having a rough time. I was headlong into a longstanding abusive marriage and the only real escape (as i wasn't allowed to have friends or leave the house) i had from the heavy weight of my life was listening to stories of this thing called NEST from my only real friend at the time. Listening to his lilting retellings of people i thought i would never actually meet, laughing at the silly antics and what not i could easily forget that i was trapped where i was. Somehow, even though i knew it was just a kind of fantasy, i already felt like i belonged somewhere.
"No one would want to be around you!"
Sometimes i believed it, yet as i read the Nest threads that year, gaining a bit of delight in how wonderful it all seemed, often i would catch myself wondering if i too would be welcome among these people. For a couple years, the tmf and especially all the nest threads, with their promise of some kind of uncommon comraderie (sp?) kept me afloat. I never actually thought i would/could actually be around all the wonderful people that i felt like i had gotten to know. But, it was something nice to imagine when life seemed less than desireable.
My life changed, i broke free, i went out on a limb and met gothika.. and well, after that, all those times i felt like i wanted to actually know someone, i acted on it. Slowly i broke free of myself and my reservations... Then came Nest. Honestly i had no real intention of going at first. I was actually kinda afraid to bust up the years of dreaming i'd done about it, i was afraid that i would find that it wasn't so wonderful as i had imagined. I was, however, kinda on a tirade of proving myself wrong. I attended a couple small gatherings, a couple munches. Encouraged i decided to go to NEST. I wanted to see old friends, feel that familiar ache of longing that can never be eased as i gazed into a face i thought i would never see again, and meet as many new people as i possibly could.
"no one would want to be around you." ... If he could have seen me this weekend. I felt happier than i have felt in about ten years. I wanted to jump up to everyone i met, even people that weren't attending NEST at the hotel, and say hi and introduce myself. For the most part, i did. I met SO MANY WONDERFUL PEOPLE that each night i finally creeped to bed during NEST i actually cried a little bit. This couldn't be my life, this couldn't REALLY be happening.. this doesn't happen to me.
I left early Monday without a single goodbye to anyone. I know, how crappy! I couldn't do it, honestly. I'd waited four years to meet you guys and you far surpassed even the dreams i had that kept me afloat for so long. I feel like a new person. Since then i seem to just plain feel more beautiful, more worthy, glad to be alive. I sang in a convenience store today. I wore a pair of shorts without checking every 5 minutes to glare at my huge pale legs. I'm a real person, and i'm loved.
Thank You just doesn't seem to be enough... but it's all i've got.
