Now that's religion..(joke)

[venray]

The atheist and the bear
========================

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that the
"accident of evolution" had created. What majestic trees! What powerful
rivers! What beautiful animals, he said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes
behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly charge toward him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw
that the bear was closer. He ran even faster, so scared that tears were
coming to his eyes. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was
even closer. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even
faster.

He tripped and fell to the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but
saw the bear, right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and
raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant the atheist cried out "Oh my God!"

Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river
stopped moving.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny
my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist, and even
credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of
this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light. "It would be hypocritical of me
to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could
make the bear a Christian?"

"Very well," said the voice. The light went out. The river ran again. And
the sounds of the forest returned.

And then the bear dropped his right paw...brought both paws together...bowed
his head and spoke: "Lord, for this food, which I am about to receive, I am
truly thankful, Amen ."

 

[BigJim]

LMAO!

Now that's funny!!! Damn, I should have thought of it first! LOL

 

[qjakal]

Fighting chance...

Yes, but perhaps now he can shame the bear with guilt and escape while the Hail Marys are resounding throughout the woods......you're on fire this week Ven! Q

 

[TicklingDuo]

Always liked that joke...here's another....

Thomas man was hiking in the mountains, when he suddenly slipped in loose gravel and went over the side. As he started to fall to what surely would have been his death, he was fortunate enough to be able to grab hold of a branch. He was safe for the moment. But he knew the branch wouldn't hold for long and he was too far down to attempt to climb back up.

"HELP!!! Is anybody up there?!", the man called over and over. Though the trail wasn't heavily travelled, he hoped that someone would come along and rescue him before it was too late.

As he hung there, hoping and praying for a good outcome, he heard movement. "Help!!! I'm down here! Help me!!!", he yelled as loud as he could.

He heard a voice, though he couldn't make out what it was saying. "Who's up there?", he called out.

"It's God, Thomas." came the reply.

"Oh, thank God! You have to help me! I'm going to die if you don't get me out of this! Help me, please!" Thomas begged.

"I'll help you." God said. "But, you have to trust me."

"Anything! Just get me out of here. What do you want me to do?", Thomas asked.

"Let go of the branch." came the reply.

Thomas hung there silenced by what he'd heard. A moment later, he called out again..."Is there anybody ELSE up there?"

Ann

 

[TicklingDuo]

and for the golfers in the house....

A priest, minister, rabbi and bible student were out for their weekly round of golf. They'd been playing together for some time and had come to know one another's strengths and weeknesses... humanly speaking.

Fr. Jones was always clowning that Rev. Hammond was going to have to go to confession after the round. He was a terrible golfer and had a rather foul mouth when he missed a shot.

As they got rolling in their game, Rev. Hammond kept slicing shots. With his latest slice, the good reverend shouted, "Damn, missed again!"

"Rev, I know I'm just a student." said John. "But, don't you think you should be careful. After all, God IS everywhere."

"Oh, horse hockey!", said Rev. Hammond.

They decided to drop it and move on. Soon enough, another slice and string of explatives was witnessed.

"Oye vey!", said Rabbi Leiberwitz as he rolled his eyes at his brother in the cloth.

And a short time later came another slice.

"Damn! Damn! Damn!", said the minister again as he threw his club across the fairway. "I missed again!"

"You know," said Fr. Jones in a joking tone. "If he doesn't cut that out, the Lord's going to take matters into his own hands."

They all chuckled as they stepped back from the reverend. In response, Rev. Hammond decided to show them for sure that the Lord really didn't care what he said.

"He's not going to do anything! Watch this. Damn, damn, damn, damn, damn!" he said in a harsh mocking tone.

Suddenly, the sky clouded over, there was a crash of thunder and a flash of lightning. When their eyes readjusted, the rabbi was gone, with just a smoldering ember remaining.

Then, they heard a voice from above... "Damn! Missed again!"

 

[TicklingDuo]

There was a family who went to church every week and was very faithful in their behaviour and attitudes. They were known to all as truly GOOD people.

One day, storms came and poured down torrents of rain. Soon, flooding began in the river valley where they lived. Evacuation was begun. They assisted others in preparing to leave and then returned to their own home. When there was over five feet of water running through the streets, a shrriff's boat stopped by to take them to safety.

"No thanks, sherriff.", the father said. "We'll be fine. God is watching over us."

With much hesitation, the sherriff moved on to the next family that still remained. Several hours went by. The rains continued. The water rose even more. Another boat came by to evacuate the family.

"No thanks sherriff. The Lord will protect us.", the father insisted.

The next morning, the family was huddled on their roof. They heard a helicopter and watched as it approached. A ladder was lowered and the wife and children were brought to safety. But, the father remained steadfast in his insistence that GOD would take care of him.

Finally, the chopper was forced to leave the man behind. Moments later, the damn burst and the man was swept away and perished in the raging waters.

When he reached heaven and saw God, he had to ask...

"What happened, Lord? I trusted you. You said you would always watch over me. Why didn't you save me?"

God simply sighed and shook his head as he replied...

"I sent you two boats and a chopper. What more was I supposed to do?"

Ann

 

[shark]

Those are good ones.

 

[Shem the Penman]

A priest and a rabbi who lived next door to each other decided to pool their money and buy a car to share. Not long after they bought it, the rabbi looked out his window and saw the priest out in the street, sprinkling water on the car's hood.

"What are you doing?" he called.

"I'm blessing it," the priest explained.

The rabbi thought for a moment, then went to his toolbox, came out with a hacksaw, and cut off the end of the car's tailpipe.

 

[TicklingDuo]

Shem....I hope it was a baby car. I hear it's more painful as an adult. lol

Ann

 

[Knightshade]

Quick One...

A priest, a rabbi and a naked lady walk into a bar, the bartender looks up and says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"

 

[TicklingDuo]

my apologies in advance to the Brits in the house...

A priest in Northern Ireland kept getting yelled at for his political messages in homilies. The priest hated the Brits and took every opportunity possible to cut them down. For Lent one year, he decided to try to be more charitable. So, he kept to the topic of the Scriptures and let up on the political stuff. By holy week, he was dying to say or do something. So, he decided on a way to combine a slam with the Scriptures.

Setting the lectionary aside, he narrated the Gospel....with a few twists. In his hearty brogue, he began telling of the last supper. Jesus was sitting at table with the twelve when He said to them, "One of you is about to betray me."

The priest continued, "One by one, those around Him asked, 'Is it I, Lord?' To each one, Jesus responded in the negative. Then came Judas' turn to ask," Now, the priest changed to a very obviously Brittish accent and said, "I say, gov'nor. Is it I?"

Ann

 

[venray]

Moving right along...

A young hotshot gets a job with the IRS. His first assignment is to audit
an old rabbi. He thinks he'll have a little fun with the old rabbi, so he
says, "Rabbi, what do you
do with the drippings from the candles?"
The rabbi says, "We send them to the candle factory, and every once in a
while they send us a free candle."
The kid says, "And what do you do with the crumbs from your table?"
The rabbi says, "We send them to the matzoth bakery, and every once in a
while they send us a free box of matzoth."
The kid says, "And what do you do with the foreskins from your
circumcisions?"
The rabbi says, "We send them to the IRS, and every once in a while they
send us a little prick like you."

 

[Haltickling]

In a turn-of-the-century Polish town, a catholic priest and a rabbi were constantly having it at each other. One day, during an official dinner, the rabbi carefully avoided the kielbasa and pork chops as usual.

The priest asked him full of sarcasm: "Oh rabbi, when will you finally overcome your silly superstition and eat pork?" The rabbi shrugged: "Nu, at your wedding maybe." 😀

BTW: Thanks for the funny thread! 🙂

 

[venray]

Sorry in advance........

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument
about who was better on his computer. They had
been going at it for days, and God was tired of
hearing all of the bickering. Finally God said,
"Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two
hours and I will judge who does the better job."

So down Satan and Jesus sat at the keyboards
and typed away. They moused.They did spreadsheets.
They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent e-mail.
They sent out e-mail with attachments. They downloaded.
They did some genealogy reports. They made cards.
They did every known job.

But ten minutes before their time was up, lightening
suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain
poured and, of course, the electricity went off. Satan
stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse
word known in the underworld.

Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered
back on, and each of them restarted their computers.

Satan started searching frantically, screaming "It's gone!
It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!"

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files
from the past two hours. Satan observed this and became irate.
"Wait! He cheated, how did he do it?"

God shrugged and said, "Jesus saves."

 

[TicklingDuo]

ROFL...Ray, that's a great one!

Ann

 

[venray]

And finally..........

A nun and a priest were traveling across the desert and realized halfway across that the camel they were using for transportation was about to die. They set up a make-shift camp, hoping someone would come to their rescue, but to no avail. Soon the camel died.

After several days of not being rescued, they agreed that they were not going to be rescued. They prayed a lot (of course), and they discussed their predicament in great depth. Finally the priest said to the nun, "You know, Sister, I am about to die, and there's always been one thing I've wanted here on earth -- to see a woman naked. Would you mind taking off your clothes so I can look at you?"

The nun thought about his request for several seconds and then agreed to take off her clothes. As she was doing so, she remarked, "Well, Father, now that I think about it, I've never seen a man naked, either. Would you mind taking off your clothes, too?"

With little hesitation, the priest also stripped. Suddenly the nun exclaimed, "Father! What is that little thing hanging between your legs?"

The priest patiently answered, "That, my child, is a gift from God. If I put it in you, it creates a new life."

"Well," responded the nun, "forget about me. Stick it in the camel!"

 

[TicklingDuo]

ROFL....that is sooooooo BAD!!!

Ann