Official TT Jokes Thread - Read and Post your Jokes Here!

[MistressValerie1]

A Toast

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer at the pub and said ,"Here's to
spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night.
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for
the best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life,
sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on
the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said,
"John won the prize the other night with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, and I was a bit surprised meself! You know, he's
only been there twice. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I
had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

 

[MistressValerie1]

Strange but True Facts

A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue.

A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.

A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.

A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.

A snail can sleep for three years.

February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.

If the population of China walked past you, in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.

If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend an average of 6 months waiting at red lights.

It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag.

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but men s noses and ears never stop growing.

When Coca-Cola began to be sold in China, they used characters that would sound like "Coca-Cola" when spoken. Unfortunately, what they turned out to mean was "Bite the wax tadpole". It did not sell well.

Tomatoes and cucumbers are fruits.

Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

 

[MistressValerie1]

*************
Pepsi Please

NEW DRINK FROM PFIZER

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in
liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of...........


ARE YOU READY FOR THIS??????








"MOUNT & DO"

 

[Faramir]

funny Val...!!

ROFL.... 😀

I saw your post(s) in the UK Yahoo group.

(p.s. do you know how to put pic's in the sig area, like ILuv2B has? PM answer to me if so...thx)

 

[nessonite1]

ROFLMAO @ A Toast! LOL!

Hubby tells me that tomatoes ae actually berries. Which I guess is still a fruit but intresting nonetheless. But a cucumber? Really??

 

[Faramir]

But a cucumber? Really??

I'm not sayin' a word about this.... 😀

exceptin' maybe....a 'pickle tickle'?.....!!!! 😀 😀 😀 😀 😀

 

[MayDay1]

When Coca-Cola began to be sold in China, they used characters that would sound like "Coca-Cola" when spoken. Unfortunately, what they turned out to mean was "Bite the wax tadpole". It did not sell well.

"Bite The Wax Tadpole" is also the name of a kick ass L7 tune. Just thought I'd throw that out there for the sake of being random.

 

[MistressValerie1]

Interesting, MayDay 🙂

Cucumbers, haha, related to what I call the "Freudian banana" at another forum 😉 I always used to wonder about the similarity in pickle and tickle, though ...

One cute quickie I just heard today: Junk is the stuff you throw out, and stuff is the junk you keep 😀

Love to all,

 

[BoundToTickle]

Can I add a joke on here to?

NEW TAX LAW
The only thing that the IRS has not yet taxed is the penis. This is due to the fact that:
40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed,
30% of the time it is hard up,
20% of the time it is pissed off
10% of the time it's in the hole.
It has two dependents, but they're nuts.

Effective January 1, 2002, penises will be taxed according to size. The brackets are as follows:
10"-12" Luxury Tax
8"-10" Pole Tax
5"-8" Privilege Tax
4"-5" Nuisance Tax
Males exceeding 12" must file under capital gains.

Anyone under 4" is eligible for a refund.
PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION!

 

[BoundToTickle]

Oops, forgot to say thanks to MistressValerie, I really enjoyed these, esp. "A Toast" and "Pepsi please".


Also, here's a photo of a great police car...

 

[nessonite1]

Junk is the stuff you throw out, and stuff is the junk you keep

THAT is good! I must hang that in my room somewhere. My husband (fellow packrat) will definately apreciate that one. 😀

 

[MayDay1]

Oops, forgot to say thanks to MistressValerie, I really enjoyed these, esp. "A Toast" and "Pepsi please".


Also, here's a photo of a great police car...

Ha! That's friggin' great!

 

[GEORGIATKLER]

Great Thread, Mv. I See You Have More Than One Way To Make Lucky Subby Hubby Laugh! The Responses And Other Jokes Are Cool Also. Thanks To Everyone For The Contributions.

 

[sole seeker1]

man I love that photo!

Thanks a bunch!

 

[Faramir]

Oops, forgot to say thanks to MistressValerie, I really enjoyed these, esp. "A Toast" and "Pepsi please".


Also, here's a photo of a great police car...

damn...ya beat me too it...I have this pic as well....very funny...!! 😀

 

[MistressValerie1]

Thanks, Ogleme, GT 🙂

A few more:

Encyclopedia

Working as a computer instructor for an adult-education program at a community college, I am keenly aware of the gap in computer knowledge between my younger and older students.

My observations were confirmed the day a new student walked into our library area and glanced at the encyclopedia volumes stacked on a bookshelf.

"What are all these books?" he asked.

Somewhat surprised, I replied that they were encyclopedias.

"Really?" he said. "Someone printed out the whole thing?"

 

[MistressValerie1]

Out of Gas

Walking the Dog!



"Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?" a
little girl asked.

"No, I don't think so. Fifi is in heat," replied the mother.

"What does that mean?" asked the child. Embarrassed and not
wanting to get into a biological discussion with her young
daughter, the mother said, "Oh, just go ask your father. I
think he is in the garage."

The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I
take Fifi for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she
said that Fifi was in heat, and that I had to come talk to
you."

Not wanting to have the biological discussion either, the
father said, "Bring Fifi over here."

He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the
dog's rear-end with it.

"Okay, now you can go for a walk but keep Fifi on the leash
and you can only go around the block once."

The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with
NO DOG on the leash.

"Where is Fifi?" her father asked. "She should be here in a
minute," advised the daughter. "She ran out of gas about
halfway down the block and another dog is pushing her home".

 

[nessonite1]

LOLOL @ both of those Missy Val! Thanks 😀 😀
Her's an oldie but a classic;

A man and dog sit down at the bar's piano. Without warning the man begins to sing while the DOG plays out a tune on the piano! The patrons of the bar sat in stunned silence. When they were through the man stood there as if nothing unusual had happened and the dog panted and looked again like a normal dog. The bartender finally sputtered "That...That was amazing!"
To which the dog replied "Are you kidding? He was off key the whole damn time!"

 

[Faramir]

one for the girl's

The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars (after they have accumulated enough frequent flier miles). Here, they meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things.
Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, laptop computers, how do they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.
"Just how do you two do it?" asks Maureen.
"Pretty much the way you do." the Martian responds.
A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap for the night and experience one another's styles!
Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the male strips. He's got only a teeny, weenie...about half an inch long and a quarter inch think.
"I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen!
"Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?"
"Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!"
"No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm.
With each slap of his forehead, his unit grows until it's quite impressively long.
"Well," she says, "that's quite impressive, but it is still narrow."
"No problem,"he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his unit grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman!
"Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made very mad, passionate love.
The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go on their separate ways. As they walk along, Mike asks, "Well, was it any good?"
"I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful! How about you?"
"It was horrible," he replies, "all I got was a headache...she kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears!"

 

[Faramir]

Gabriel came to the Lord and said " I have to talk to you. We have some Texans up here in Heaven who are causing problems. They're swinging on the pearly gates, my horn is missing, barbeque sauce is all over their robes, their dogs are riding in the chariots, and they're wearing baseball caps and cowboy hats instead of their halos. They refuse to keep the stairway to Heaven clean. There are watermelon seeds and pig feet bones all over the place. Some of them are walking around with just one wing." The Lord said, "I made them special, Gabriel. Heaven is Home to all my children. If you really want to know about real problems, let's call the Devil." The Devil answered the phone, " Hello? Damn, hold on a minute." The Devil returned to the phone, "O.K., I'm back. What can I do for you?" The Lord replied, "I just want to know what kind of problems you're having down there." The Devil said, "Hold on again. I need to check on something." After about 5 minutes the Devil returned to the phone and said, "I'm back. Now what was the question?" The Lord said, "What kind of problems are you having down there?" The Devil said, "Man, I don't believe this....Hold on, Lord." This time the Devil was gone 15 minutes. The Devil returned and said, "I'm sorry Lord, I can't talk right now. These damn Texans have put out the fire and are trying to install air-conditioning."

 

[Faramir]

There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman.

They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery.

The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.

The angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?"

He asks her, "Shall we?"

She eagerly replies, "Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down, and you shit on its head."

AND WHAT WERE YOU THINKING"?

 

[MayDay1]

I found another cop car for you guys.

 

[nessonite1]

She eagerly replies, "Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down, and you shit on its head."

BWAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

 

[BoundToTickle]

MayDay -I love it!

Storm_Cat -great minds think alike...

Just one more:

 

[nessonite1]

LOL I love the KISS pandas! Anyone looking for more awesome pictures your should DEFINATELY check out the site that that one is from, worth1000.com
VERY cool stuff