This is a topic than can be discussed for hours. And in fact, is on the burner as a future topic for my show.
Online flirting and relationships are a double-edged sword that you need to pay the utmost attention to and have a firm grip in reality for. Many people put it into a neat little box of generational differences, which is wholly innacurate. "Young people can do it because they grew up with the internet, and older people can't because they have a diffetrent set of social skills and expectations."
While there are grains of truth to that, to use it as a blanket explanation is to completely misunderstand human sociology. I myself am of an age where the development of my social learning came before the internet, in real life, face-to-face with nothing to hide behind. And I still completely support online relationships and think they can be successful. I met one of my own subs online, in fact.
But that's the thing. I met her online. The actual cementing of the relationship tok place in reality, where it needs to. Adam, I think I know what you're talking about when you speak of "developing feelings" online, so let's adress that.
There's no black-and-white to this, as there's no strict set of rules for all of human behavior. Many people, especially of my age group, would say that it's not possible to develop emotions online. But you can. The problem lies in identifying what those emotions actually are. And that comes from frame of reference and experience with your own social skills. Emotions are tricky things, and we often have to put them in context with everything that's going on in our lives, and all of our other emotions. Like mixing paint colors.
It's very easy to confuse flirting online or even a certain level of attachment with deeper emotions. In this age of the internet, our sociology is slowly changing, but that's only in the way we interact, not in the end results. The internet did not change our wiring in a generation. We throw around phrases like "I love you" and such, but if overused, misused or (in the worst cases) maliciously used, it loses its meaning. Can you develop a connection with somone online, sharing your interests, beliefs and dreams? Sure, of course. We do it all the time. But can you actually "fall in love" online? I really do not think so. My biggest fear with internet connections is that we are slowly losing the true meaning of the word "love" in its totality.
And that's where the perspective of offline social interaction comes into play. Just like you can't preach about the horrors of war if you were never there, it would be disingenuous to talk about this without having ever done it. I have. Been there, got the t-shirt. During a low point in my life where things all around me were falling apart, I thought I was "connecting" with someone online. The lack of certain emotions in my real life were easily replaced by the illusion of those. And even someone like myself, usually very perceptive and self-aware, wound up completely "sucked in". It happens. Part of being human.
Unfortunately, this person turned out to be using these emotions maliciously, like I mentioned earlier. The emotional damage was far more real than the perceived emotions ever were. And that's the risk you run. I strongly suggest to anyone seeking online relationships that you simply put things into perspective and realize that there is no replacement for real-life interaction. None. The internet is a tool for communicating, not a magic emotion transferral box. Bonds of friendship and love are forged in reality. Especially love. It's the most powerful emotion we as humans have, and the most complex. To say you love someone you've only interacted with online is a dangerous proposition.
Most times, when someone thinks they are developing feelings for someone online, what they usually mean is that they are focusing on the possibility of emotions they really want. The similarities can be confusing and powerful. Especially for people whose sole source of social interaction is the internet. Even lok within our own community. People form small groups and share things. Cool. But way too often, they will confuse these things with real love, real friendship. Even getting together once or twice a year at some gathering or something is no replacement for the intracacies of living with or around someone, knowing them in reality on a day-to-day basis. No one is "just themselves" at a large gathering. Everyone's putting their best foot forward, wanting to be liked, etc. And that's normal. Because it's a special occasion, not daily life. Now, take that group of folks you hang out with for a couple days at a gathering and hang out with them for six months. See how shiny and happy everything is. 🙂 That's life.
So, I do believe that if two people are getting to know one another online, they should be honest up front. You can find great people, maybe even love, online. But all of that happens after the meeting. And no matter how long the online interaction is, socially and emotionally speaking, it's always "the meeting" phase. There are things we get from others in life we simply cannot get online. Body language, certain senses that only work face-to-face, no matter what your tech level. I fully support and encourage people, especially in communities like this, to get to know one another as much as they can. But don't confuse that with real social interaction. If two people are talking online and think they are "developing feelings", they should responsibly talk about meeting. Don't hold yourself back, but don't let it go so far online that you've replaced the wish of a relationship with pseudo-emotions and build something up in your mind and heart before it even has the possibilty of happeneing. The reality will often not live up to the fantasy.
So yeah....be honest, talk openly, and put things in perspective. If you start to feel like you might be being "used" or led on, talk about it. Ask questions. Here's the bottonm line. If someone is really interested in you, if a relationship is in the works or "fated to happen" or something, you won't scare anyone off by asking honest questions about where it's going and if you should take the next step. If someone bolts or tries to manipulate you in some way, then they aren't worthy of "love" in the first place and you're far better off looking elsewhere. It's all about the balance, people...and a healthy dose of self-awareness and strength in your own convictions and desires.
