Subject: A Letter from the White House
The White House
Washington, DC
Dear Friend:
Thank you for your recent letter criticizing the treatment of the
Taliban and El Qaeda detainees being held at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. My administration takes these matters seriously, and your opinion was heard loud and clear here in Washington.
As part of the Administration's Retraining Program, you'll be pleased to learn that the Administration has decided to place one detainee under your exclusive care.
Your detainee is scheduled to be delivered to your personal residence on Monday. The detainee is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you strongly recommended in your letter of admonishment.
It will be necessary that you hire your own caretakers. We will also conduct weekly inspections, of course, to assure that your detainee is actually being cared for in the manner you personally prescribed.
His meal requirements are simple, but we strongly suggest using menus that do not require utensils, particularly knives and forks. While he does bite, the rabies test was negative, so not to worry. However, your adopted detainee does have a bad case of body lice that we haven't completely remedied.
Although he is sociopathic and extremely violent, we are confident that your sensitivity to what you described as his "attitudinal problem" will help him overcome these character flaws.Perhaps you are correct in describing these difficulties as mere cultural differences. We understand that you plan to offer counseling and home schooling.
Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or light bulb.
We do not suggest that you ask him to demonstrate these proficiencies at your next bridge party.
He also has the ability to make a variety of lethal bombs from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless this action appears paranoid and offensive to your detainee.
Please heed the large orange notice attached to your detainee's cage.
"Does not play well with others."
Your detainee generally bathes quarterly, with the change of seasons, assuming that it rains, and he washes his clothes simultaneously. That should help with your water bill.
Be assured, your detainee absolutely loves pets of all kinds, and is
especially fond of cats and dogs. He prefers them roasted.
You take good care of our detainee. We'll be watching.
Cordially,
George W. Bush
The White House
Washington, DC
Dear Friend:
Thank you for your recent letter criticizing the treatment of the
Taliban and El Qaeda detainees being held at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. My administration takes these matters seriously, and your opinion was heard loud and clear here in Washington.
As part of the Administration's Retraining Program, you'll be pleased to learn that the Administration has decided to place one detainee under your exclusive care.
Your detainee is scheduled to be delivered to your personal residence on Monday. The detainee is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you strongly recommended in your letter of admonishment.
It will be necessary that you hire your own caretakers. We will also conduct weekly inspections, of course, to assure that your detainee is actually being cared for in the manner you personally prescribed.
His meal requirements are simple, but we strongly suggest using menus that do not require utensils, particularly knives and forks. While he does bite, the rabies test was negative, so not to worry. However, your adopted detainee does have a bad case of body lice that we haven't completely remedied.
Although he is sociopathic and extremely violent, we are confident that your sensitivity to what you described as his "attitudinal problem" will help him overcome these character flaws.Perhaps you are correct in describing these difficulties as mere cultural differences. We understand that you plan to offer counseling and home schooling.
Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or light bulb.
We do not suggest that you ask him to demonstrate these proficiencies at your next bridge party.
He also has the ability to make a variety of lethal bombs from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless this action appears paranoid and offensive to your detainee.
Please heed the large orange notice attached to your detainee's cage.
"Does not play well with others."
Your detainee generally bathes quarterly, with the change of seasons, assuming that it rains, and he washes his clothes simultaneously. That should help with your water bill.
Be assured, your detainee absolutely loves pets of all kinds, and is
especially fond of cats and dogs. He prefers them roasted.
You take good care of our detainee. We'll be watching.
Cordially,
George W. Bush
