Peter Pan can't get his life together (long post)

[TickleCrazy]

I spent yesterday helping my friend N bail out her son G from jail. N is like my sister, and G is like my nephew. Maybe some of you can give me your opinion. Did we do the right thing, or should we have let him rot? And if you know someone like this guy, what, if anything, has helped them grow up and organize their life? Here's the story:

At 27, G is still a boy -- irresponsible and disorganized. He's been in trouble before. About 4 years ago he was a crack addict. He lost his belongings and stole from his family. When he OD'd his girlfriend left him to die. N, who is a nurse, found him blue and resuscitated him. Often, near-death is a life-changing experience that people learn and grow from. Not for G. While he did get his drug problem under control, he still continued in the same general direction. He's worked at manual jobs such as waiting tables and construction but he never stays long enough to move up in responsibility and salary. He's been living here and there in temporary situations, and has been near homelessness at times. He's been arrested for minor mischief such as harrassing a kid on the street. He lost a good civil service job when he failed a random drug test because he neglected to mention he was taking codiene for a motorcycle accident-related injury.

This man-boy is his own worst enemy. No matter what trouble he gets himself into he is never humbled. His sense of entitlement is boggling. His strengths are charisma, good looks, talent for mechanics and building. He has tremendous potential but accomplishes little. Maybe he has some undiagnosed problem, like a brain chemical imbalance.

G was arrested and spent Tuesday night in jail for driving with a suspended license. It had been suspended because he hadn't paid $300 worth of tickets.

As N and I stood for 2 hours(!) on line to post $1,000 bail, we had an interesting conversation with a lawyer who was posting $40,000 for his client. He advised us to leave G in jail. Actually, N's first reaction was do do just that. But then G'd probably lose his job again and the precarious way he's been living, plus his uncle put up the $1,000. We didn't have the heart.

At the very least, the lawyer said, N and I should make G fully aware of the inconvenience and expense he caused us. I lost 4 hours of work and N lost 2, plus we paid for gas & lunch and parking, plus I had to find a friend to pick up my kids. The lawyer said we ought to make G compensate us somehow, like taking us to dinner. We said he could never afford it, so maybe we'll make him cook us dinner and wait our table. The lawyer was so convinced that this would make a lasting impression but N and I just laughed. Well, at least we'll eat a good meal.

Thanks for any and all suggestions.

 

[qjakal]

Bottoming out...

There's a few ways to look at situations like this...and none are conclusive or necessarily "right". My little sister lived with a similar gent with similar characteristics, right down to the mechanical aptitude. His problems were legion, his strengths an illusion, and he eventually began beating her, which of course led to our removing her and the kids from him in a semi violent manner. Too late...she was already infected with HIV from sharing needles with his crappy friends, and she died a few years later. Didn't have any effect on him really, he still just showed up once in a while to visit the kids and make big promises he never kept, and continually break their hearts. We watched him spiral down and be saved from the brink by his family time and again, bailed out and given a job at Daddys garage or Uncle B's muffler shop and so on, until all concerned were just worn out from the entire process and began to drift away from him. Jail sentences for small offenses, traffic and license problems, and finally no one left to "save" his sorry butt. Rock bottom and down and out, he finally pulled himself together for a few years, got remarried, held a job long enough to accumulate a few possessions, had more kids, continued to treat the ones from the last marriage like crap, and began to head down the druggie path again now that he had the means to obtain them once more. One of the kids died from latent HIV at 13 years old, and this earth shattering event made no impact. And so he bumbles his way through life, doing damage to his current and former kids, contributing pain to society as he ineptly acts out his little pathetic play of becoming an upright citizen once more.....the promises flow like water over the falls, the actions don't back any of it up, and there's bound to be a lot of pain coming towards his new wife shortly.
I can't even muster up a good "hate" towards him these days. It's like watching an ongoing car wreck. He's not bright, has no sense of responsibility, and i'm sure he blames society in general for "holding him down" and making things so tough in his life.
I don't believe his parents ever tried to get him into counseling or any programs, and I'm pretty sure he'd be resistant to the thought of needing help, but be prepared for a long tragedy if you continue to "enable" this type of personalities actions....he most likely will repeat all the same errors in a cycle that will astound any watching it from an outsiders perspective. Wish I had some answers or even a bit of hope for you. Guess you can cling to the "everyone is different" philosophy and work towards helping him change.... good luck. Q

 

[TickleCrazy]

qjakal, I'm still hoping to hear more optimistic things from others, but I feel you're right. G has actually been in counseling and a drug program, but he doesn't believe he has a problem. At least he doesn't have a wife and kids (yet). I'm so sorry to hear about your sister's guy. 🙁

 

[qjakal]

Sister...

Yeah...I was certainly sorry to ever meet him, I'll tell you. But she was no angel either, and brought some of her misery upon herself. Still...a better man could have saved her, and this guy wasn't any help. He's alive today due to a deathbed promise extracted from my father and myself by her...she knew damn well exactly what we were thinking. Guess she was a bit smarter than I thought...we would still be doing time, because I doubt it would have been well planned or with much subtlety.
Hopefully he won't bring this kind of misery into someone elses life/family, but it sure all sounds familiar. Q

 

[TickleCrazy]

Yes Q, she was smart! I hope the other kids are healthy. They must be so traumatized by everything. Do they have a good situation now?

A friend of my son's is being raised by his grandmother because his mother was killed in a drug-related incident. For this boy and his brother life is dramatically better because of a responsible adult, a proper home and a good education.

 

[qjakal]

One survivor...

The younger child...a boy. He's medically fine, at least physically, but he's been denied a "normal" childhood and has moderately severe forms of psychosis and a lot of repressed anger that gets reinforced by his fathers behavior towards him. The biggest improvement in his personality came when he started smoking last year...weird...but it's been a dramatic difference, and all for the better. You want to tell him that he should quit...explain how horrible the habit is, and how it gets progressively more addictive, but we can't really do it with any sincerity. Even his physician doesn't know what to make of it, but it's brought him far enough into the normal range that we all think he may be able to hold/get a job and start being an adult. Not sure if he'll ever come to terms with everything that has happened to him in his childhood, but he has a chance now to at least try to move on. Odd story...and obviously not all written, seeing as he's only 19. Q

 

[TickleCrazy]

Smoking is relaxing and can be used to distract oneself from uncomfortable thoughts or feelings. If that's the attraction, then maybe a nicotine patch or psychopharmaceutical can replace it. Smoking is also a privilege and symbol of adulthood. If that's it, then he might be able to quit when he feels secure as an adult.

 

[46and2]

To ticklecrazy:

If I'm not butting in too much..........
I hung out with quite a rough crowd when I was younger, I've had friends that are still in and out of jail, some whom have straightened their lives out and are now succesfull, and also some whom have died. All of them had one of two problems in their life: A) They thought they had nothing going for them, and saw no point in trying to do better for themselves. B) They saw no problem with their life and had a limited vision of what success was. For those whom brought themselves out of the slump it was the simple act of finishing something they had started (Such as finishing college, with one of them, for another who is an artist it was finishing and attempting to commission some of his artwork). A feeling of accomplishment is what determines most peoples self worth. Accomplishing something in the real world can also give a broader sense of what success is. Perhaps you might speak to him about what he wants out of this life before it's gone? Maybe you can help him reach that (through suggestions of course). A question that comes to mind, and I know it's kind of hokey is: does he know that he is loved? Has it actually been expressed to him? If not the best people to do it is you and your surrogate nephews mom. Just my two cents, Iv'e seen people who were far worse then your nephew sounds grow up and pull through. I hope this helps you out.

 

[dvnc]

Geez, TickleCrazy, that's a real can o' worms. It's very dependent on the psychological makeup of the man. Simplest "advice" to give is to have your friend see a shrink about coping wit' the situation, and potentially helping to solve it, and not "enable" it.

After all, he's a man now. If he's gonna change, he has to choose to do so.

IMO, that lawyer is right about havin' the man-kid PAY BACK for the bail out. I'd insist he actually PAY IT BACK. Put up ALL the money, AND do something nice for you both. Keep in mind that once he does, assuming he does, he WILL see an accomplishment out of it. He'll see that he CAN do something like that.

I've several friends who crawled outta such situations. I've also lost a few. Sadly, most of 'em died unmourned, 'cause they screwed over everyone on their way down. It's most important for you to help his mom, your friend, to cope. She's the one you should help first. When a shrink has helped her learn her balance on such, and what to expect, she'll be better off, and she'll have a better chance of helping him.

Then again, there's the sad possibility that he's part of that low percentage of folks that just don't cope. If so, be ready to take care of her for a while, 'cause watchin' your baby spiral like that HAS to break more than just your heart. It's an internal train wreck.

Wish I had a more chipper perspective for ya,

dvnc

 

[TickleCrazy]

46and2: Thanks for the encouragement. I'm glad to hear somebody knows someone who's managed to straighten out.

G has accomplished a lot to be proud of, and we have spoken with him about goals. All the goals he has appeared to want have been placed out of reach by his own fault or negligence. Now he doesn't discuss long-range goals, just basic ones like keeping a job, putting gas in the car and having somewhere to sleep.

Good question about being loved. There are underlying issues with G's dad. N and I can't mend that.

He went to court today for a previous DUI incident. He will complete a drug/alcohol counseling course (or spend 1 year in prison). With that structure he'll probably be OK for a while.

 

[TickleCrazy]

dvnc, it'd be nice if he was willing to see a shrink. No way he'd do that on his own. So he's going by court order (a previous DUI). His body will show up there but his mind will likely be saying, "yeah, right, whatever..."

N actually got him to pay her some money and spend a few hours assembling some furniture for her. She asked him what he learned from this experience, and he said, "don't get caught."

N is doing her best to practice "tough love" and I'm doing a lot of listening. That's about all we can do. You're so right about my focus being my friend. Your comments are appreciated, especially since they seem to come from sad experience (sorry you went through that).

 

[dvnc]

TickleCrazy, you've got my sympathy. That's a rough situation, and you're good people for stickin' it out and standin' by your friend. I respect that a great deal. Lesser folks can't handle such.

dvnc

 

[BigJim]

TickleCrazy, I'm very sorry to hear about what you're going through. I don't know whether any advice I could give would be of any use, but I'll try anyway. Two things stand out; he's a grown man (physically) and there is only one person who can teach him now. Himself.

IF your friend loves her son, I believe the next time he gets himself put in prison, she should leave him there to confront the problem on his own. She should of course nt cut herself off from him, no loving mother could do that. But this guy has to learn the responsibility of adulthood fast, or he's going nowhere. If this chap ends up with the police again, then I think she should tell them everything abou him. His addictions, his habits, everything! Only by receiving a huge shock will this guy ever be shaken into confronting what he's doing with his life.

I don't think your friend should feel guilty about doing this. It's probably the only thing a loving mother, friend, sister or whatever could do. IT may be the only way to make him wake up and realise what a pig's ear he's made of his life and those closest to him.

You and your friend have my sympathies, and you'll be in my thoughts for a while. Be safe and be good to yourselves.