As a connoiseur of carnal content, I conclude quite confidently that I am qualified to provide a thorough review of the film Pirates II: Stagnetti's Revenge. So here goes.
Pirates II feels a lot like The Matrix Reloaded in comparison to its predecessor: you can not only see but practically SMELL the additional millions of dollars shoveled into the engine of this production. While Stagnetti's Revenge might not have even the catering budget for the extras of The Matrix Reloaded, it does manage to accomplish a similar feat in exemplifying the concept of overkill without necessarily delivering all that was promised...but that might very well be a good thing.
Pirates II is by now known as the most expensive porno flick ever made in history (a title earlier applied to the original Pirates), but funnily enough, everything pornographic about this film takes a backseat (no pun intended) to everything else in it. At a rather slow 2 hours plus change running time, the sex goes by faster than anything else, and despite the visible craft put into every other aspect of the production, the sex scenes are choppy and over way too quick. This may have been intentional as Disc 2 of the 4-Disc set is dedicated exclusively to the full-length fuckfest, which proves to be altogether almost as long as the actual film itself.
Instead, the real attention-getter is the spectacle that is a big-budget porno flick that tries very hard (and largely succeeds) to look like a real movie, or at least one that you'd find on Sci-Fi Channel rotation. The CGI is light years above the earlier installment and director Joone and DP Robby D. take every opportunity to show it off.
The movie picks up almost immediately after the end of the original Pirates, with the handsome, hilarious, but not-quite fearless Pirate Hunter Captain Edward Reynolds (Evan Stone) piloting his wounded ship back to British HQ for another assignment following his defeat of the evil pirate lord Victor Stagnetti (Tommy Gunn); actually it was his broken-English Chinese gunner Wu Chow who saved the day, as everyone is quick to remind him, but we'll get to that later. Another evil pirate lord, the Japanese Empress Xifeng (Katsuni) has taken his place and the sea with the aid of her multi-ethnic crew she's commandeered with the aid of a pocket squid whose ink has brainwashing properties, and has captured a magical pearl from a Catholic monsignor when she destroys his vessel. Reynolds is ordered to bring it back, and so off he goes on another (mis)adventure to hunt and destroy pirates.
In his tow are the loyal but cowardly manservant Oxford (Frank Bukkwyld who should have a career as a comic character actor in Hollywood if you ask me), and his beautiful but far more capable platonic friend Jules Steel (Jesse Jane) as his XO. With Janine Lindemulder now retired and raising sheep in Idaho (not kidding here), the role of rogue ex-pirate bitch falls to the gorgeous and far more gregarious fetish goddess BellaDonna, who plays Serena's sister Olivia. Olivia is part of a cabal of humor-handicapped pirate Amazons intent on securing a pardon for Serena, and none of whom trust Reynolds completely (or trust that he won't get them killed during one of his inevitable fuckups). Along the way, they attempt to infiltrate Xifang's army at Tortuga by passing themselves off as pirates to win the favor of the insecure wannabe badass Takvor at his slave trader tent.
Of course, as in the Pirates of the Caribbean-rip-off fashion, they run into old enemies like the emotionally fragile Marco (the Carrey-esque Steven St. Croix), and some new friends like Wu's promiscuous sister Ai Chow (Shay Jordan) who finally bonds to Marco and demands his hand in marriage at the most inappropriate times, like when battling sea monsters and re-animated pirate skeletons. All of this leading up to Xifang's not-entirely explained resurrection of Stagnetti in the last 25 minutes of the movie, leaving plenty of room for a sequel. As to what Stagnetti's role in this movie is is hard to tell aside from being set up to be a player in the follow-up.
Pirates II deviates from many norms of porn but falls victim to what I refer to as Dark Knight Syndrome afflicting the mainstream world. The main characters played by Stone and Jane, are often overshadowed by their supporting cast, who in the previous installment either had too little screentime (St. Croix) or too little acting talent (Janine). But here, just like Christian Bale and Gary Oldman in Dark Knight, they can't compete with their mesmerizing Heath Ledger, played here between Katsuni and Steven St. Croix. Stone is hilarious in his own right, but the original clown prince of porn St. Croix steals virtually every scene he's in as the feckless commitment-phobic Marco who still pines for Jules with every girlish shriek he emits in the middle of battle, and Stone's rubber-faced XXX Bruce Campbell act comes off as too straight; this is even more evident when Edwards meets up with the hilarious Takvor who is constantly trying to rebuild his image but can't escape his unshakable fear that things are more exciting when he's not around. Katsuni and BellaDonna individually overshadow Jesse Jane, but together Jane may as well be invisible: the two exotic porn stars, decked out in the best costumes the production has to offer, reveal a remarkably adept acting ability...while Bella obviously stumbles with her dialogue inflection, the sinewy siren exhibits a surprisingly effective knack for very limber sword choreography. Katsuni manages a convincing old school Hollywood pantomime by playing and posing to the camera with the skill of a seasoned actor so that her lack of skill with English is a boon rather than a detriment. The sword work of both girls is admirable.
Also in the supporting cast is Olivia's other sister Maria (Sasha Grey), a stone-faced killer and hardcase who is even more intent on saving Serena than Olivia. Unfortunately, Grey reads her dialogue without inflection, and the copious Behind-The-Scenes material reveals that Grey may actually be a more humorless personality in real life than her character. She doesn't factor much outside of her sex scenes.
Pirates II also slips away from it's original tone of Ray Harryhausen stop-motion pirate skeleton epics of the 1960s (Jason and the Argonauts) and instead adopts a more SFX-heavy fantasy adventure tone of Xena and Hercules, but surprisingly well. The film also refuses to play itself too straight, and mercilessly parodies itself and the movies it's stealing from with constant references to the constant re-emergence of pirate skeletons and ridiculous monster battles; "This is fucking ridiculous" is a constant phrase of Edwards in the face of one seemingly insurmountable challenge after another. Both scenes feature surprisingly seamless cheap CGI integration of a very limber BellaDonna swashbuckling her way into saving the day.
And as for the sex, it's fairly lifeless with the exception of Jane and BellaDonna, two voraciously aggressive performers who turn their scenes into WWE worthy battles for dominant sexual positions. Even this jaded viewer felt the energy when these two obviously gay-for-PLAY-not-pay girls tore themselves up, although it seems that the energy expended in tussling with each other blurs their ability to concentrate when fucking, but when they do manage to lock together right, it's a beautiful thing.
The over-dependence on expensive-for-porn CGI and the convoluted plot (you'd think for this much money they could put SUBTITLES in their DVDs), as well as the tendency for the movie to overwhelm the sex keeps Pirates from being as enjoyable as it should be but for people who have this indelible image of porn being choppy papier-mache sets and bad acting will be surprised at how far the medium has come, and here's hoping with Pirates III that they'll show what more they can do.
Pirates II feels a lot like The Matrix Reloaded in comparison to its predecessor: you can not only see but practically SMELL the additional millions of dollars shoveled into the engine of this production. While Stagnetti's Revenge might not have even the catering budget for the extras of The Matrix Reloaded, it does manage to accomplish a similar feat in exemplifying the concept of overkill without necessarily delivering all that was promised...but that might very well be a good thing.
Pirates II is by now known as the most expensive porno flick ever made in history (a title earlier applied to the original Pirates), but funnily enough, everything pornographic about this film takes a backseat (no pun intended) to everything else in it. At a rather slow 2 hours plus change running time, the sex goes by faster than anything else, and despite the visible craft put into every other aspect of the production, the sex scenes are choppy and over way too quick. This may have been intentional as Disc 2 of the 4-Disc set is dedicated exclusively to the full-length fuckfest, which proves to be altogether almost as long as the actual film itself.
Instead, the real attention-getter is the spectacle that is a big-budget porno flick that tries very hard (and largely succeeds) to look like a real movie, or at least one that you'd find on Sci-Fi Channel rotation. The CGI is light years above the earlier installment and director Joone and DP Robby D. take every opportunity to show it off.
The movie picks up almost immediately after the end of the original Pirates, with the handsome, hilarious, but not-quite fearless Pirate Hunter Captain Edward Reynolds (Evan Stone) piloting his wounded ship back to British HQ for another assignment following his defeat of the evil pirate lord Victor Stagnetti (Tommy Gunn); actually it was his broken-English Chinese gunner Wu Chow who saved the day, as everyone is quick to remind him, but we'll get to that later. Another evil pirate lord, the Japanese Empress Xifeng (Katsuni) has taken his place and the sea with the aid of her multi-ethnic crew she's commandeered with the aid of a pocket squid whose ink has brainwashing properties, and has captured a magical pearl from a Catholic monsignor when she destroys his vessel. Reynolds is ordered to bring it back, and so off he goes on another (mis)adventure to hunt and destroy pirates.
In his tow are the loyal but cowardly manservant Oxford (Frank Bukkwyld who should have a career as a comic character actor in Hollywood if you ask me), and his beautiful but far more capable platonic friend Jules Steel (Jesse Jane) as his XO. With Janine Lindemulder now retired and raising sheep in Idaho (not kidding here), the role of rogue ex-pirate bitch falls to the gorgeous and far more gregarious fetish goddess BellaDonna, who plays Serena's sister Olivia. Olivia is part of a cabal of humor-handicapped pirate Amazons intent on securing a pardon for Serena, and none of whom trust Reynolds completely (or trust that he won't get them killed during one of his inevitable fuckups). Along the way, they attempt to infiltrate Xifang's army at Tortuga by passing themselves off as pirates to win the favor of the insecure wannabe badass Takvor at his slave trader tent.
Of course, as in the Pirates of the Caribbean-rip-off fashion, they run into old enemies like the emotionally fragile Marco (the Carrey-esque Steven St. Croix), and some new friends like Wu's promiscuous sister Ai Chow (Shay Jordan) who finally bonds to Marco and demands his hand in marriage at the most inappropriate times, like when battling sea monsters and re-animated pirate skeletons. All of this leading up to Xifang's not-entirely explained resurrection of Stagnetti in the last 25 minutes of the movie, leaving plenty of room for a sequel. As to what Stagnetti's role in this movie is is hard to tell aside from being set up to be a player in the follow-up.
Pirates II deviates from many norms of porn but falls victim to what I refer to as Dark Knight Syndrome afflicting the mainstream world. The main characters played by Stone and Jane, are often overshadowed by their supporting cast, who in the previous installment either had too little screentime (St. Croix) or too little acting talent (Janine). But here, just like Christian Bale and Gary Oldman in Dark Knight, they can't compete with their mesmerizing Heath Ledger, played here between Katsuni and Steven St. Croix. Stone is hilarious in his own right, but the original clown prince of porn St. Croix steals virtually every scene he's in as the feckless commitment-phobic Marco who still pines for Jules with every girlish shriek he emits in the middle of battle, and Stone's rubber-faced XXX Bruce Campbell act comes off as too straight; this is even more evident when Edwards meets up with the hilarious Takvor who is constantly trying to rebuild his image but can't escape his unshakable fear that things are more exciting when he's not around. Katsuni and BellaDonna individually overshadow Jesse Jane, but together Jane may as well be invisible: the two exotic porn stars, decked out in the best costumes the production has to offer, reveal a remarkably adept acting ability...while Bella obviously stumbles with her dialogue inflection, the sinewy siren exhibits a surprisingly effective knack for very limber sword choreography. Katsuni manages a convincing old school Hollywood pantomime by playing and posing to the camera with the skill of a seasoned actor so that her lack of skill with English is a boon rather than a detriment. The sword work of both girls is admirable.
Also in the supporting cast is Olivia's other sister Maria (Sasha Grey), a stone-faced killer and hardcase who is even more intent on saving Serena than Olivia. Unfortunately, Grey reads her dialogue without inflection, and the copious Behind-The-Scenes material reveals that Grey may actually be a more humorless personality in real life than her character. She doesn't factor much outside of her sex scenes.
Pirates II also slips away from it's original tone of Ray Harryhausen stop-motion pirate skeleton epics of the 1960s (Jason and the Argonauts) and instead adopts a more SFX-heavy fantasy adventure tone of Xena and Hercules, but surprisingly well. The film also refuses to play itself too straight, and mercilessly parodies itself and the movies it's stealing from with constant references to the constant re-emergence of pirate skeletons and ridiculous monster battles; "This is fucking ridiculous" is a constant phrase of Edwards in the face of one seemingly insurmountable challenge after another. Both scenes feature surprisingly seamless cheap CGI integration of a very limber BellaDonna swashbuckling her way into saving the day.
And as for the sex, it's fairly lifeless with the exception of Jane and BellaDonna, two voraciously aggressive performers who turn their scenes into WWE worthy battles for dominant sexual positions. Even this jaded viewer felt the energy when these two obviously gay-for-PLAY-not-pay girls tore themselves up, although it seems that the energy expended in tussling with each other blurs their ability to concentrate when fucking, but when they do manage to lock together right, it's a beautiful thing.
The over-dependence on expensive-for-porn CGI and the convoluted plot (you'd think for this much money they could put SUBTITLES in their DVDs), as well as the tendency for the movie to overwhelm the sex keeps Pirates from being as enjoyable as it should be but for people who have this indelible image of porn being choppy papier-mache sets and bad acting will be surprised at how far the medium has come, and here's hoping with Pirates III that they'll show what more they can do.
