Please Help - Relationship Advice Needed

[Zildjen]

Hey,
I am in dire need of advice (Women preferably but anybody will do), and as to how stupid it sounds it involves my relationship. Me and my girlfriend have been going out for 4 monthes we were going well until the summer holidays started, my girlfriend has seemed to become more distant and lose interest.
Everytime I ask if she wants to do something, she doesn't give any effort at all and which at the start of the relationship it was usually her in charge asking what I wanted to do. We used to be around each other alot at partys when we were best friends and after my previous breakup with another girl I was quite depressed and she had a nice talk with me to help with the feelings I felt and told me how she had it worse and that how she has dealt with it in the past from previous boyfriends (it was my first proper relationship) then from there we kissed.
Afterwards I found out that she had feelings for me and to make sure I wasn't in a rebound state I waited several monthes because I didn't want my friendship to change, yet this was overtaken but the fact that I realised I did like her alot. So we started going out.
We have a very odd relationship, where she tends to scram, bite and hit me alot shes quite agressive and she can be mean (in which I return a degree of meaniness) in nature and although most of you might make a judgement of that, I love our relationship because I can trust her, we also share similiar interests and in which she loves anime, she plays games and plays lots of musical instruments, also shes very beautiful. I would be a liar if I said I didn't get jealouse, anyone have any tips on how to deal with jealousy? also shes really fun and mad which is what I love about her but lately she seems, not so fun.
Although im not the most confident person ever I am also having trouble speaking to her, every other girl I can talk without any difficulty but its getting worse I have no idea if this lack of confidence is from the relationship or what, try as I might I cannot get out what I feel, what annoys me, compliments and just general conversion I always think of stuff but whenever I am around her my mind just goes blank, I have no idea what has caused this could anyone help on this problem also?
When shes, well, lets say a complete bitch to me she usually blames it on something else with an apology, I don't think it's fair to act this way any ideas of how to tackle this in future?
In all a fairness, she does have some problems to deal with at the moment, home type problems, in which she hardly ever tells me, in fact she tells me hardly anything at all, im willing to listen and keep it confidential but she doesn't seem to trust me.
Although it was on my mind alot of the time to breakup, even when we started going out, this was quickly answered with a no when I spent time with her because she made me happy but yet at the same time angry and upset.
I am really worried and I hope my relationship doesn't end, my confidence will plummet otherwise making me afraid of relationships. I would love to continue to spend time with her without returning to being friends as I know it sounds selfish but it would feel weird, since I will always have so much feelings for her it would be too hard for me to attend to the friendship as I will have the relationship lurking around in my head.
Does anybody think I should talk to her more as, I haven't seen her for 2 weeks as shes always busy and the day shes busy I thought i would find her somewhere else in which I was wrong. Please all those who are experianced give me guidance im completly lost.
I would appreciate any and all advice and answers given.
thank you xxx

Zildjan

 

[Celtic_Emperor]

Because I am not there to evaluate your chemistry with her myself, the best I can see is that your lack of confidence is turning her off. She doesn't respond to you because she probably thinks you're forcing yourself to be that way and that it is not coming naturally. In a way, she is doing you a huge favor by being that way, as it's a cue. On the other hand, you are not equipped to realize that, and you stand to plummet ever downward.

My suggestion to you is help yourself before you try and help her.

She seems to already be aware of your indecisiveness, and is already taking steps to protect herself from it, if need be. I doubt she is being a bitch because she is or wants to be. She is giving you subtle hints and cues, perhaps to the point of it being a conditioned reaction to her.

The reason the problem is worsening is because you are not helping yourself and are looking to her for clarification when you need to be looking into yourself.

I recommend doing some personal soul searching and asking yourself why you're in this relationship, what you want from it, and what you're willing to devote to it to make it happen and last.

If, upon logical conclusion you cannot come up with a reason good enough to stay in this, then perhaps it's a sign you should break up. If after you make improvements she stays this way, then you'll know it's not just you. And, by then, you should be more well-equipped to help her with her problems.

I can tell you one thing right now though. You had better take immediate action now or risk losing her in the near future. There is no easy answer, but if you can find it in yourself to make things right, then they will be.

Best wishes, and God bless.

- Damien

 

[Senshi1]

Hey, welcome to TT. 🙂

Sorry about all the problems you're having. I'm not the best person to ask about relationships as I have no experience with them, but I'll try anyway.

The first quesion you asked was about dealing with jealousy. From what I've seen, nearly every single person in a relationship gets jealous (although to different extents) of their partners. It just seems to go with the territory.

As for the others, about not knowing what to say when you're around her and everything, I can't help there, sorry. 🙁 Seeing as she's distancing herself (and not being pushed away by you), it could mean one of two things:

Either she's having her own doubts/thoughts etc about the relationship and genuiely needs space,

OR

She's testing your commitment. It sounds cold, but it wouldn't be the first time. If this is the case, it's best to show how much you want to be with her.

As I said, I'm not the best person to be giving out advice, but I hope this helps in some way. Good luck!

 

[MistressValerie1]

"We have a very odd relationship, where she tends to scram, bite and hit me alot shes quite agressive and she can be mean ..."

That is a HUGE danger sign. If she is physically violent towards you now, just imagine how much worse it would get if you were married to her.

My advice is: dump her now, before she really injures you.

 

[juggernaut]

Mis Val is right. If she does that after four months, it'll get nothing but worse. A good friend of mine went through the same thing. She got physical with him all the time and he was pretty passive. They were all half drunk one night and it escalated and he wasn't in the mood for it. She hit him, he hit her back. It got ugly. If I'd been there, I'da half killed him. I don't care if she swings an axe at you... you never hit a woman. There's no justifiable excuse for it. Even if she "deserves" it.

Anyway, it's just bound to get worse if that's a part of the relationship already.

 

[Cbarton]

(1) the fact that she is violent is a big danger sign. BE afraid...and make sure that is dealt with before the relationship goes deeper

(2) She may be showing signs of clinical depression. Home problems can make that worse

(3) Dumb and stupid question, but does she abuse alcohol/drugs? Her actions could be signs of abuse/addiction

(4) She may just plain be pulling out of the relationship. Best to find out where (first) you and her want from this relationship...

 

[Betchass1]

This sounds a lot like a relationship I was in a few years ago. I went through a lot of inner searching when it ended, and after a while made some changes for the better.

Self-respect has nothing to do with defending yourself. Standing up for yourself to every numbnuts who says something ignorant is a waste of time; you have to let some things go without closure, and you CAN. You can do anything. Really respecting yourself means making the decisions that will make your life better- and better is not the same as easier.
It sounds like the relationship you're in is doomed. I could be wrong, but it sounds like it's not giving back what you're putting into it, and you're too intimidated to call it out.

I would also bet your inability to think clearly around her or about this has something to do with not wanting to admit certain things to yourself that maybe you already know. In my case, one of those things was something like "she's going way too fast-- maybe her feelings for me are based on her own insecurities rather than wanting to be around me."

Lastly, really respecting yourself means respecting your body, and using it. Exercise, eat healthy food, get sunlight, get enough sleep, spend time with people (not just self-destructive people, who were most of my friends). It will make you stronger and more confident, and happy.

 

[Dude'sonfire]

Hello Zildjen! 😀

This is going to sound like the weirdest advice ever, but here goes:

What hobbies do you have?

Whatever your answer, get more. Start a martial art, thats a definite; I do Taekwon-Do, but any contact style is good. Do physical things, like climbing or cycling or whatever.

Why, you ask? ...Would you ever doubt me?

Firstly, you need to make your relationship a less important part of your life. It sounds insane, but if a relationship means too much to you in a long term sense, it can be a big part in its downfall. You have to have things that will continue on even if the relationship ends; having hobbies and extending your social circle accomplishes this. This way you're less anxious about the relationship ending; life will go on. This in turn makes the relationship itself more stable.

Second, physical exertion and confidence. Getting excess energy out of your system with physical activity helps stop you worrying and feeling anxious. This will help your jealousy problem (to a degree) and, being calmer, you will be in a better position to help your girlfriend with her problems. Also, particularly if you do a martial art, you develop skills that make it harder for others to intimidate you, in all contexts. Now obviously I can't be sure this is the case, but it sounds like you're the submissive member of the relationship, too much so, and you need to balance the power out a bit. This means a slight change in attitude.

Also, just to echo what Betchass said, work out more, be fit in general, eat well, and spend time with people.

And we cannot forget, the no. 1 rule in all things relationship is:

SELF CONTROL

There.

....WHY DO I RAMBLE SO?!!!?! :weird: :wooha:

Anyway dude, hope things work out. :happy: