Rationalizing my Broken Heart

[ticklehound]

Hi everyone, I have something I'd like to talk about . . . it's kinda personal, but I gotta get this off my chest.

My friend, who I absolutely adore, just ended a long-term relationship. It was a tough time for her, so I did what I could to help her through this tough time. She also lost her brother recently, and she's been through times I would not wish on anyone.

This is the first time she's been single since I met her. It had never been an issue, but ultimately, I realized I had feelings for her. I realized how achingly serious these feelings were when she told me she was going out with someone else. Rush of jealousy consumed me.

I don't know: I guess I think that no one could care for her better than me; I have and would do ANYTHING for her. So I guess I hoped if anyone, it would be ME she would 'fall' for. It made me realize my inadequacies for her despite everything between us.

But I digress. In any event, I realize that it appears nothing will ever happen between us, and as painful as it has been, I feel like maybe this was just a crush - that she is NOT perfect for me.

She can be overly demanding, and can act downright spoiled. She's constantly asking me for favors, which I capitulate because that's the type of friend I want to be. I feel it is my duty as a friend, and I do the same for my other friends. It's just I do more for her because that's what she asks of me.

She isn't ticklish and though I've given her foot rubs and she is comfortable around me, there's a physical barrier between us. That may sound petty, but I would hope whomever I'm destined to be with be ticklish and "touchy-feely" like me and amenable to my proclivity to tickling.

SO, I wonder, am I rationalizing all these flaws because I feel jilted? I have broken hearted, but the time we spent together as friends has been special. I mean, it is possible she's just trying to "protect the friendship." OR maybe I'm being overly protective of her, and feel she's slipping away from me.

But I have lost sleep over it and shed some tears. I honestly don't know what to do. I mean, I can't talk to my best friend about it, because she IS "it."

Please help.

Hound

 

[Goodieluver]

To use the immortal words of Garth Algar
"Get over it, go out with someone else"(any chance i can quote waynes world i do it)

This is the issue of when you do date friends or want to date friends, cuz should the inevitable happen and a breakup occurs, then you lose a friend, and as ive learned, its impossible to keep a friend that you dated, because you cannot simply sit by and feel happy for her and such when she starts datin other peeps and whatnot

Long story short, i think u should just tell her yer feelins and either she will accept them and u could be closer\maybe go out\etc or she could deny and u will feel like shite but it will be the beginning of you gettin over her and movin on. Its like a band aid, all you can do is deal with it quickly before it stays too long and then you got issues.

 

[Celtic_Emperor]

Hi everyone, I have something I'd like to talk about . . . it's kinda personal, but I gotta get this off my chest.

My friend, who I absolutely adore, just ended a long-term relationship. It was a tough time for her, so I did what I could to help her through this tough time. She also lost her brother recently, and she's been through times I would not wish on anyone.

This is the first time she's been single since I met her. It had never been an issue, but ultimately, I realized I had feelings for her. I realized how achingly serious these feelings were when she told me she was going out with someone else. Rush of jealousy consumed me.

I don't know: I guess I think that no one could care for her better than me; I have and would do ANYTHING for her. So I guess I hoped if anyone, it would be ME she would 'fall' for. It made me realize my inadequacies for her despite everything between us.

But I digress. In any event, I realize that it appears nothing will ever happen between us, and as painful as it has been, I feel like maybe this was just a crush - that she is NOT perfect for me.

She can be overly demanding, and can act downright spoiled. She's constantly asking me for favors, which I capitulate because that's the type of friend I want to be. I feel it is my duty as a friend, and I do the same for my other friends. It's just I do more for her because that's what she asks of me.

She isn't ticklish and though I've given her foot rubs and she is comfortable around me, there's a physical barrier between us. That may sound petty, but I would hope whomever I'm destined to be with be ticklish and "touchy-feely" like me and amenable to my proclivity to tickling.

SO, I wonder, am I rationalizing all these flaws because I feel jilted? I have broken hearted, but the time we spent together as friends has been special. I mean, it is possible she's just trying to "protect the friendship." OR maybe I'm being overly protective of her, and feel she's slipping away from me.

But I have lost sleep over it and shed some tears. I honestly don't know what to do. I mean, I can't talk to my best friend about it, because she IS "it."

Please help.

Hound

I'd say your feeling sound more jaded than rationalized. These are perfectly normal feelings to have, especially considering your situation and bond with her. But jealously leads to greed and other negative vices that can affect you in ways you may not imagine at first. Mistrust ensues, and you end up turning on this person and yourself.

I think you need to train yourself to let go of something you may never have with her and learn to appriciate more what you DO have with her. You've already stated how she's not very compatible with you, and you're sort of answering your own questions. It seems to me, the way you tell it, that excluding a romantic relationship, you two go well together as friends.

That being said, I think you should try to salvage the friendship instead of gambling that away for the compromised chance of being with her romantically. If what you are saying is absolutely from the heart, and it seems it is, then I suggest you take what you have with her and love it even more.

Some people make better friends than lovers. Thats just a fact of life. I think you need to learn to grin and bare it and most of all ACCEPT it and know in your heart that just a friendship with her is not a consolation prize of sorts, but a truely wonderful gift. It always has been, and you know that. You two love eachother in a special way that a romance might not necessarily have.

You are very fortunate to have what you have with her. Not everyone has that. Be grateful, glad, and happy. Rejoice, my friend. 🙂

She probably feels the same way and these thoughts may very well have crossed her mind as well. Perhaps she's trying to give you subtle clues that she thinks it's better this way. And if she's come to that realization already, you need to as well.

And I truely hope you do. God bless. 🙂

 

[blackmagicjack1]

I want say more, but right now I'll just start simple. Go out and hang out with other women. Get yourself some perspective man. Also keep yourself busy, do new things. If you got other things going on in your head, you won't thinking about her so much or how she makes you feel. Once you get some perspective, you'll be able to make some decisions.

 

[ticklehound]

Thanks for the advice. I think I'm merely shocked to learn that I cannot solve all of her problems and tend to all her needs. She can make me feel good about myself, but she can also make me feel so bad.

I love to make her laugh and I ache when she's been made to cry. I have been ever the gentleman to her, so why do I feel like the bad guy. She's special to me in ways I could not have dreamed, yet truth be told I don't know how she feels towards me.

And now I'm at a pivotal moment in my career and she (among others) wants me to stay. One way or another, I will have to talk to her one day.

Hmm, this is so insane, to have feelings that I don't desire. The heart is one sick twisted device, surrounded by a ring of fire.

 

[Celtic_Emperor]

You seem more like a big brother to her than boyfriend material from what you're saying. Your protecting her seems almost parental or instinctual. It makes sense why she wouldn't want you to go. She feels that warmth, security, and kinship that you provide. And while you may be doing it out of love, only she knows how she feels about it.

You feel like the bad guy because your emotions have festered to the point where they have become double-edged. You want her. You realize its mostly out of love and you want what's best for her in the end, even if that doesn't include you, but theres also that side of you thats being a bit posessive, jealous, and greedy. Theres that side of you that feels you're intitled. You realize thats no way to feel or be, and that you shouldn't.

Basically, its your subconcious conflicting with itself. Your love versus your inward greed (spawned from an inward fear of losing her). Thats why you can't put your finger on it. Like light and darkness, love and hate are two sides of the same coin. I think you worry about what you will become emotionally, especially around her, and it stresses you out. Too much of this is dependant on how she feels or reacts. It's as if she has control of you without even knowing it.

If you want to truely be freed from these agonizing feelings you have to tell her how you feel. Because you are at an important stage in your career, it would be best to get this out of the way soon before you pass the point of no return and end up regretting things you didn't do or say.

Either way, my first advice still stands. I think you should focus on what you have and learn to be pleased, happy, and content with just that. If something romantic can happen down the line with her, it will happen on it's own when the time is right. A situation will present itself for you to be closer than ever. That time may not be now however.

Talk to her.

 

[cpr1815]

It sounds like she regards you strictly as a friend whom she can lean on. It's hard to get out of that "friend only" situation once it so firmly established.....especially if you have proven yourself to be a valuable friend by being there during particularly tough times. Think about it, if you had a good friend of the opposite sex who was always there for you in tough times, but you really weren't sure it could work out on a romantic level, would you want to risk losing the good friendship if the romantic relationship didn't work out? Maybe she told herself "no", she doesn't want to lose that friendship. It's a tough situation my friend. My advice would be to continue to offer your friendship if you really consider her a friend, but keep your eye open for the next great love in your life to come your direction. You don't want to miss out on that if you are blinded by your attraction to your friend with whom it is not going as hoped for. Best of luck!

 

[Goodieluver]

Here is a good quote from maxim about 100 facts about women

"Over the course of her life, a woman will use 10 men for every one she loves. If you lent her your car or helped her move without getting laid, you're one of the ten"

Granted yer situation isnt about sex, but you may be being used for her emotional wellbeing