Relationship Fail due to "Technology-Gap"?

[Slaver123]

I met a woman who's a few years older than me, a friend of a friend. She's really into me/attracted to me, but I'm not into her so far (and no, this teenager crap doesn't change just cause I'm in my 40s now)

She's a sweet person, a good solid woman, hard worker etc. But....

(Of course there's a "but") She doesn't drive, text, or have a computer. And she's not much of a reader either. So basically we have nothing in common. Didn't realize it before but my whole world nowadays takes place in cars, cellphones, internet, and books. Text messaging has become my primary form of communication and 'bonding' with people, it's the best way to hold a conversation. She has to pay 50cents per text (I have unlimited) so I can't text her. I'd like to, it's the only way I can talk during work, but besides the cost she's extremely resistant to learning how to use text messaging.


Is text messaging that central to my life that I'd let it kill a potential relationship? It's not a matter of me "letting" it do anything- this is my central mode of communication and without it a relationship can't even get off the ground. (With other people it's Twitter- I would do Twitter but my stupid phone doesn't support it)

Before cellphones I had hour-long phone conversations that cost $8 or more due to exhorbitant "local long distance" rates (15c-17c/minute...out of state was much cheaper- remember those days?) Now I text the people I'm close to...

Try to imagine NOT having the internet, forever... Then you'll see how much of your life is really online.

Now, I've never had the "latest" gadgets- no smartphone yet, no ipad- but for the past 2-3 years I've been ahead of the curve in one respect: I no longer watch television. Well, barely ever. It's only recently dawning on people that they have moved on from TV and cable TV and are watching everything on DVD, internet, and on their phones. I've been aware of this since I lost my cable TV almost 3 years ago, and found out that there's more than enough ways on the Internet to get my "TV-fix". I listen to radio and podcasts as much as I ever watched TV- I'm as "hooked" on certain audio-dramas as i ever was on any TV show. etc etc etc (I really think the Star Trek Next Gen comment about TV dying out as a genre may be coming true)


All of this is lost on someone who has never had the internet! Sure this is just "entertainment"- but no, it's not just that. Books, internet, news, fiction, whatever- these are all huge components of my mental life. Someone who can't share my mental life....

....well it's possible to share lives without sharing mental lives, miserable, mis-matched couples have been doing that for generations....

 

[DarthGrinn]

As the old adage goes, birds of a feather... Sure, opposites can attract (another cliche); however, I think that there has to be a some common ground upon which the relationship can be established.

In this day and age, expecting a potential significant-other to at least be able to operate a smart-phone is not unreasonable. Heck, basic command over common technology should be a basic requirement. I could never trust a person, let alone see myself relying on them, if they couldn't at least use a computer.

Just to provide another frame of reference, I tend to set the bar much much higher. I could not find any interest in the opposite sex unless I felt that they were at the very least as intelligent, and as tech-savvy, as I felt I was. The smarter the better. Call it "sapiosexualism", but I don't think being attracted to intelligence warrants a new term.

 

[MacD]

You say you are not into her. I wonder why at all you think about this.

Is text messaging that central to my life that I'd let it kill a potential relationship?

Obvoiusly yes. If not, would you think about it that much?

....well it's possible to share lives without sharing mental lives, miserable, mis-matched couples have been doing that for generations....

Is it only possible or is it nice enough für you to wish living such a life?

I don't like text messages. They are nice but I prefer talking in reality ;-) But me too, I feel "too far" from a person who has no relation to internet or technical stuff in general.
So your thoughts do not appear so strange to me.

 

[Satur1n]

If you're gonna let something like that kill a relationship, then it shouldn't have happened in the first place.

 

[Slaver123]

You say you are not into her. I wonder why at all you think about this.QUOTE]

Good point... I've been blessed with more than the average number of true close friends. During all the years I've been single this is only the 2nd time a close friend has tried to hook me up with someone they knew. That's the best possible "reference" someone can have, BTW, if a friend knows them. They were absolutely convinced that we'd "click" instantly, so something must be "wrong" with me if we don't click...

I'm not slamming any doors shut, I'm just really NOT feeling it.


I don't get the vibe that she's into any fetishes, either, and as everyone on this site already knows, that's pretty central to my being as well. I've met a friend, but don't get the sense of it becoming anything more, even though my other friends want it to.....

 

[Slaver123]

...I could not find any interest in the opposite sex unless I felt that they were at the very least as intelligent, and as tech-savvy, as I felt I was. The smarter the better. Call it "sapiosexualism", but I don't think being attracted to intelligence warrants a new term.

(wish I could figure out how to do multiple quotes in one post....I'm not that "tech-savvy" yet)


I too am attracted to intelligence. I really want a "better half" who's smarter than me etc, who's actually equal or better than me. I've had the opposite- I don't need a pet to look after (unless it's a kinky lifestyle-fetish sort of thing...a woman usually looks awesome with a leash around her neck🙂)

I'm a type of "alpha" but not the type who needs to be over his partner. I'm not the least bit threatened by a woman who's smarter or more talented- it turns me on!

 

[Rox_My_Sox1]

Seriously. This is what we've come too now as a species? "If my girlfriend can't text message than I can't have a relationship with her?" Is "texting" THAT IMPORTANT to you? Because if it is then heaven forbid that you develop carpal tunnel syndrome + arthritis.

 

[DarthGrinn]

(wish I could figure out how to do multiple quotes in one post....I'm not that "tech-savvy" yet)


I too am attracted to intelligence. I really want a "better half" who's smarter than me etc, who's actually equal or better than me. I've had the opposite- I don't need a pet to look after (unless it's a kinky lifestyle-fetish sort of thing...a woman usually looks awesome with a leash around her neck🙂)

I'm a type of "alpha" but not the type who needs to be over his partner. I'm not the least bit threatened by a woman who's smarter or more talented- it turns me on!

For me it's a matter of being able to entrust another person with my life. If she can't operate a computer (or worse, refuses to learn to) then what on Earth am I going to do if (for example) I'm stuck somewhere, and need her to access my email to retrieve some important information?

I've been in situations where I have had to rely on my SO to use her tech skills (as well as her general intelligence and creativity) to get me out of all kinds of binds. So I can definitely appreciate the importance of having a competent partner.

On the flip-side, there are people who can ignore technophobia, and even embrace it. I have a few guy friends who can barely use a laptop to type up a Word Document, and they get by just fine. So, there's somebody for everybody. It all depends on lifestyles, circumstances, perspectives on life, needs and wants etc.

BTW, to 'multi-quote', I just open up all the posts I want to quote, and copy/paste them into one reply. I haven't really figured out how to multi-quote either (assuming it's possible).

Seriously. This is what we've come too now as a species? "If my girlfriend can't text message than I can't have a relationship with her?" Is "texting" THAT IMPORTANT to you? Because if it is then heaven forbid that you develop carpal tunnel syndrome + arthritis.

I think you are grossly over-simplifying the argument. The issue is that if one person is completely tech-oriented (or even tech-dependent), then it would be difficult to bond with somebody who is the complete opposite, a technophobe.

I personally think that technology IS that important. It prevails our lives, enough for it to be considered a basic necessity. In my opinion, not being able to operate a computer is the equivalent of not being able to operate a television, or a refrigerator. How could I trust a person like that with my life?

 

[MistressValerie1]

How to multi-quote

To multi-quote, click the quotation marks button (1 on the attachment) on each post that you want to quote except the last one. Then, click the "Quote" button (2 on the image) on the last post to which you are replying, and all the quotes should appear in order.

 

[UBU]

"She's really into me/attracted to me, but I'm not into her so far ..."

Yes, you can't return her feelings as offered and so you feel almost guilty. That's a much more respectable response than to resent her. I've seen people that insecure.

Within the limits of a handful of forum posts, you seem like a pretty decent guy, Slaver. Perhaps that's one of the things she likes about you.

 

[Dr. Bill Kobb]

I kind of had your situation in reverse with the last gf, Slaver. She was not very talkative (due to a number of issues we won't go into) and for her, texting was a preferred method of communication. In her case, tech is definitely a sort of salvation, and I am glad for her that she has that, but I am old-school and find texting back and forth tiresome and constricting. Personally, I'd rather just call somebody and cover everything that way than bother with short back-&-forths where sometimes meanings are misinterpreted.

 

[Slaver123]

Seriously. This is what we've come too now as a species? "If my girlfriend can't text message than I can't have a relationship with her?" Is "texting" THAT IMPORTANT to you? Because if it is then heaven forbid that you develop carpal tunnel syndrome + arthritis.

Already have carpal/arthritis. Writing longhand is way more painful than you'd expect, but typing/texting in short bursts is fine.


Do you really want to know why texting is so important to me? (I'm sure idiots will tear all this apart, but I don't care about vicious peoples' attacks/"opinions" so here goes)


Texting throughout the day is like leaving post-it notes on the fridge. Texting at work (or at red lights) is like passing notes in class. Whole conversations are held this way. I don't get a break in my 8-11hr work shifts (breaks are NOT required by law in my state, except for minors) and personal calls are "forbidden" by the entire brain-dead corporate world (except for the bigwig 'suits' who goof off all day) so texts are one way I keep my mind attached to the real world while I'm imprisoned daily in the corporate delusion.

Plus, a text gets the point across, like a post-it note. I don't have to sit thru "ring....ring....ring....ring....the person you are trying to call is not available. Please leave a message when you hear the tone- BEEP- if you are satisfied with the message you have left, press one. If not, press two......You have pressed one- if this is correct, press one again..."
The recipient doesn't have to drop what they're doing to pick up a stupid phone, they can read it at their leisure.

Plus, cell phones are horrible. Half the conversation is usually about how one or both of us can't get a signal, or the constant "can you hear me better? How about now?" of adjusting these worthless bluetooth headsets.


Plus...Landlines are horrible too; I have a landline at home- they've replaced the wire from the house to the pole, from the pole to the street, and hundreds of feet of cable a mile away where the main problem was- hooray, I have the internet again...but now, a few months after the repair, no phone...again! I'm not living in the hick town from "Green Acres" (where you have to climb the town's one telephone pole to make a call) I live in the most crowded state in the country but can't get reliable phone service!!!!


Hence my over-reliance on texts as my primary mode of communication.
(Can't finish my verbose rant- computer battery's about to die)

 

[Rox_My_Sox1]

Ah, I see. Texting is a sort of last resort of dealing with all the shit that's being flung at you from to your job and the state. my apologies. I shouldn't have been so rash to judge. I'd like to know more before I can give a decisive opinion:

Have you tried all the main land line services in your area?

Your neighborhood's power/phone lines are giving you trouble. Does this include ANYONE ELSE in your area?

Have you complained to the proper members of your area's government about the trouble your having with your power/phone lines?

Have you tried high quality cell phones? The right one might give you the service you crave.

Why do you have to wear a headset for your cell phone?

You mentioned texting at red lights. Are you doing this while driving?

Your state does not require breaks for employees who are not minors? Aren't minors not even ALLOWED to work in places like a corporate office? Are you allowed to take any breaks whatsoever?

Your telling me the company you work for won't allow any personal calls of any kind? Does this include emergency calls from family members?

What state do you live in?

 

[Rox_My_Sox1]

Here's a few more questions. You mentioned this girlfriend of yours doesn't drive yes? Does she work and if so how does she get to where she needs to go (aka grocery stores, residences of friends and family, etc etc).

You also mentioned that she doesn't text, have a computer, or read much either. What does she do to pass the time then? T.V. or movies? If it's no for both T.V. and movies then all I'm left with is casual sex with others, dancing/drinking at bars/clubs, or gambling at casinos...and if it's not of THAT either then what in god's name does this woman DO to pass the TIME?

What DO YOU have in common with this woman and more importantly, what made you attracted to her to begin with?

 

[Slaver123]

Here's a few more questions. You mentioned this girlfriend of yours doesn't drive yes? Does she work and if so how does she get to where she needs to go (aka grocery stores, residences of friends and family, etc etc).

You also mentioned that she doesn't text, have a computer, or read much either. What does she do to pass the time then? T.V. or movies? If it's no for both T.V. and movies then all I'm left with is casual sex with others, dancing/drinking at bars/clubs, or gambling at casinos...and if it's not of THAT either then what in god's name does this woman DO to pass the TIME?

What DO YOU have in common with this woman and more importantly, what made you attracted to her to begin with?

I know she works a lot. I think her sister or cousin gives her rides when needed. As far as being attracted to her.... My best friend and his GF are convinced that we'll hit it off, and I feel bad cause it hasn't really had a chance to happen cause we work opposite schedules (she works daytime, I work mostly nights) which wouldn't be a problem if there was any means of communication- ie that's where texting would really come in handy. But she doesn't do texts, even though I showed her how...


Attraction is a strange thing for me- I'm the typical male in that I find the majority of women physically attractive (or "attractive enough") but I'm atypical cause I've only ever looked for long-term relationships. Never been after anything 'casual'. I have to find someone's mind/personality appealing, which is done by getting to know them- which I can't do if there's no communication.

(OK so I sound like a chick- and maybe I think kinda like a chick cause I grew up without solid male role-models.... But heaven help anyone who calls me a "momma's boy" to my face)

Sure I talk about myself incessantly online- but in conversation I'm actually a very good listener. On a date I really don't like to talk about myself, it's boring- I'd much rather hear what she has to say...


The irony is I used to be a "Luddite" with technology, and still am when it comes to the "latest" things. Didn't have a computer till 2000 or so, got my first cellphone about a year later- was listening to cassette tapes regularly till about 3 yrs ago (when the local library got rid of all their books-on-tape)
I still prefer a paper map to a GPS, and the dead-tree phone book blows away the online "yellow pages".

Despite my instinctive resistance to anything that's over-hyped (flat-screen TVs, smartphones) I honestly consider cellphones and internet to be among the great cornerstone inventions of our civilization- right up there with motorcars, TV, movable type, and the assembly line...

 

[Satur1n]

I think you have your answer, dude.

 

[Iisme]

If having a relationship where texting is a key factor in communication is so important to you, then why are you so caught upup on someone that has little to no interest into it? If you're really into this girl and WANT to make it work, then this really shouldn't be the deciding factor. You should be willing to be a little bit flexible to cut back on the texting and make and effort to communicate her way. Granted she should be flexible to communicating your way as well, but you both would need t find a common ground and work with each other in establishing a good way for you guys to converse. Relationships take work and you just need to decide whether you're willing to put forth the effort.