Religious threads can be funny, too, y'know...

[Haltickling]

Frankly, I'm quite amused at the religious discussions currently going on in Psycho's thread 'A Must Read'. One of the debates there circles about the question 'what was the original name of Jesus', another one about the virginity of Mary. Both reminded me of some jokes, but as posting them in a serious discussion would be inappropriate, I decided to give them a separate thread. IMO, it's no sin at all to talk about religion in less than a serious mood, but some people might object to this. So heed this

WARNING: If you are offended by jokes on religious topics, please don't read further!

How Jesus got his name

The Three Wise Men from the Orient came to visit the Holy Child in the Bethlehem stable and brought a lot of presents. When they entered the rustic hut, the tallest of them bumped his forehead on the top beam of the low door (it was a really small Jordanian stable, you know) and cried out in pain: "Oh JESUS!" Joseph came out and grinned: "Hey man, that's really a nice name! We wanted to call him Herbie…"

The Pope of Rome dies…

…and arrives at Heaven's door. He knocks. St. Peter opens and asks: "Who are you?"
- "I'm the Pope of Rome!"
- "Ah, Rome Georgia?"
- "No, Rome Italy."
- "Never heard of that. Maybe Jesus knows. Hey Junior, come over here! Have you ever heard of the Pope of Rome?"

Jesus: - "Rome, Georgia?"
-"No, Rome Italy!"
-"Never heard of such a place. Maybe God Father knows. Hey Daddy, have you ever heard about the Pope of Rome?"

God Father: - "Ah, Rome Georgia?"
-"No, Rome Italy!!"
-"Strange. Nobody ever mentioned him to me. But if anyone knows, it should be the Holy Ghost. Hey Smokey, ever heard of the Pope of Rome?"

The Holy Ghost: -"Oh. Lemme see. Rome Georgia?"
The Pope, slightly desperate: "No, Rome Italy!!!"
- Never heard of… Hey wait a minute! Isn't he the guy who tells the dirty story about Mary and me?"
😀

 

[qjakal]

Despair...lol

Oh, you're going to be burning for a loooooong time Hal! At least I'll have company! Those who don't see humor in the universe are truly bereft of any hope of attaining grace! 😛 Q

 

[venray]

Does this count??....

The Pope goes to visit the Seven Dwarfs. As he is finishing his speech on comparative religions, Dopey raises his hand to ask a question.

'Mr Pope, are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?'

'No, Dopey,' responds the Pontiff, 'there are not.'

'Mr Pope, are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in Italy?' Dopey questions.

'No, Dopey,' the Pope chuckles, 'there are no dwarf nuns in Italy.'

'Mr Pope,' Dopey asks pleadingly, 'are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?'

'No, Dopey,' the Pope says sadly, 'there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.'

And softly in the background, the six remaining dwarfs start chanting, 'Dopey f***ed a penguin, Dopey f***ed a penguin.'


Ven

 

[Alex Warfield]

Herbie?!? Gya ha ha!!!

 

[BigJim]

LMAO!!!!!!!! I'm finding it quite hard to type down on here on the floor, where I fell while reading those!


Well, guys I suppose on Judgement Day we'll just roll on downhill to perdition with the rest of the miserable bastards! What a ride it'll be though, eh? 😀

 

[Haltickling]

While we're at it...

Okay Q, I'll reserve a place at the fire just for you… And Big Jim: If you're there before me (e.g. after a gathering), I'd like a cooler place in the shadow…

But maybe I should have told you those instead (require a lil more thinking):

The religious orders

Four monks do their evening Bible reading in a small chapel on their pilgrimage to Rome. A Benedictine, a Franciscan, a Dominican, and a Jesuit. Suddenly, the lights go off.

The Benedictine continues reciting the Bible; he knows it by heart.
The Franciscan holds a little nap.
The Dominican reflects on the mystical correlation between light and faith.
The Jesuit goes outside and changes the fuse.

The true faith

A man wants to convert to Catholicism, and he travels to Rome. After several months, he returns, deeply disturbed. But a few weeks later, he actually becomes a Catholic. His friends ask him for the reason, and he replies: "A faith which can cope with all that just MUST be the right one!"

And a dirty one for dessert:

A special punishment

A man dies and goes to hell for his sins. One of the initiation devils takes him on a tour. In the first chamber, he sees a hundred devils in white coats pricking their victim with thick, blunt needles and syringes. "He was a doctor once," the devil comments.

In the second chamber, another sinner gets cooked medium-rare in a huge pot of oil. "He loved steaks and fries much more than he loved his fellow humans, thus the verdict."

In the third chamber, he sees a very old, wrinkled man f***ing a beautiful sex-bomb. The freshman exclaims: "Hey, I'd like that! What are YOU here for?" The old man looks puzzled. "What do you mean by that? I'm HER punishment!" 😛

BTW: I heard all these jokes from a bishop who happened to be one of my customers…

 

[BigJim]

Re: While we're at it...

Okay Q, I'll reserve a place at the fire just for you… And Big Jim: If you're there before me (e.g. after a gathering), I'd like a cooler place in the shadow…

*Raises the Ticklers Eyebrow*

Oh Hal, do you have $20 to spare?

 

[maverick83]

Those were great!

It's so refreshing to witness a relaxed attitude toward religion. I've been involved in the religious debates in here, and my brain hurts!😛

 

[MadKalnod]

It's time to reveal Mad Kalnod's Infamous Four Dead Nuns Joke:
(NOTE: This is best recited in a lilting Irish Brogue. Nothing to do with the joke, mind you, it just sounds funnier that way, I've found)

Four nuns die in a car accident, and promptly find themselves face to face with St. Peter at the gates of Heaven.

St. Peter says to the nuns, "Becase ye died so suddenly, and did not have time to receive the Last Rites, your souls are not in a State of Grace. However, if ye confess your sins to me, they shall be forgiven and ye may enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

The first nun says, "St. Peter, I must confess that I once broke my vow of Chastity and looked at a man's penis."

St. Peter says to the first nun, "'Tis a serious offence, but 'tis easily rectified. All ye need do is wash your eyes in the fountain of Holy Water to my left, your sin will be forgiven, and ye may enter the Kingdom of Heaven." The first nun goes to the fountain, washes her eyes, and the pearly gates open for her. An angelic choir sings her entrance into Heaven.

The second nun says, "St. Peter, I too once broke my vow of Chastity, but I did far worse than merely look. I actually touched the man's penis."

St. Peter again says, "This is also a grave offence, but it too is just as easily remedied. All ye need do is wash your hand in the fountain of Holy Water and your sin will be forgiven."

The second nun starts to move towards the fountain, but before she can wash her hand the third nun elbows her out of the way and begins to gargle with the Holy Water.

St. Peter, shocked at what has just happened, cries out "My child! What do ye think you're doing?"

The third nun pauses to point at the fourth nun, and says "I just wanted to make sure I got done before Sister Mary Margaret sticks her fat arse in this thing!"

 

[venray]

Three people die, a Doctor a school teacher and the head of a large HMO, when met at the pearly gates by St. Peter he asks the Doctor 'what did you do on Earth?' the Dotor replied, I healed the sick and if they could not pay I would do it for free. St. Peter told the Doctor, 'you may go in.' St. Peter then asked the teacher what she did, she replied, I taught educationally challenged children. St. Peter then told her 'you may go in.' St. Peter asked the third man, 'what did you do?' The man hung his head and replied, 'I ran a large HMO.' To which St. Peter replied, 'you may go in, but you can only stay 3 days.'





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Ven

 

[njjen3953]

Mother Teresa died and went to heaven.

God greets her at the Pearly Gates.

"Be thou hungry, Mother Teresa?" saith God.

"I could eat," Mother Teresa replies.

So God opens a can of tuna and reaches for a chunk of rye bread and they share it.

While eating this humble meal, Mother Teresa looks down into Hell and
sees the inhabitants devouring huge steaks, lobsters, pheasants, pastries and wines.

Curious, but deeply trusting, she remains quiet.

The next day God again invites her to join him for a meal. Again, it is tuna and rye bread.

Once again, Mother Teresa can see the denizens of Hell enjoying caviar,
champagne, lamb, truffles and chocolates.

Still she says nothing.

The following day, mealtime arrives and another can of tuna is opened.
She can't contain herself any longer.

Meekly, she says: "God, I am grateful to be in heaven with you as a
reward for the pious, obedient life I led. But here in heaven all I get
to eat is tuna and a piece of rye bread and in the Other Place they eat
like emperors and kings! I just don't understand..."

God sighs. "Let's be honest," he says. "For just two people, does it pay to cook?"

 

[strokeofgenius2]

Telling Catholic jokes, huh?

I think Jesus would like this one:

Jesus was walking down the street when he saw a young woman being stoned to death. He quickly ran over and shielded her from the rocks. "stop!" he screamed. "Let the one of you who is without sin cast the next stone."

Just then a big rock came flying from the crowd and just missed Jesus' head by inches. He turned around fiercely and said "Darn it, stay out of this one, mom!"

🙂

 

[omega]

Close, but . . .

Three Chinese guys die and get to the pearly gates. St. Peter meets them and says, "I need to ask each of you one question before you go in."

To the first guy he asks, "What's Easter?"

"Ah, Easter. Big American holiday. Families get together. Eat lots of turkey. Very thankful."

To the second guy he asks, "What's Easter?"

"Ah, Easter. Big American holiday. Fat man in red suit come down chimney. Leave lots of presents."

To the third guy, "What's Easter?"

Ah Easter. Big American holiday. People go to church. Celebrate man die on cross. Put man in cave. Three day later, man come out of cave.


See shadow. Go back in cave for six more weeks."

 

[venray]

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together. The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic woman says smugly, "My son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her this subtle "Well.....?"
She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6'2", hard bodied stripper. When he walks into a room, people say, 'Oh my God...'."

 

[Deleted member 2452]

tanks for starting this hal

i laughed so much i got tears in my eyes.
i'll find my copy of"truely tasteless jokes" and post some.
stve

 

[BigJim]

The third nun pauses to point at the fourth nun, and says "I just wanted to make sure I got done before Sister Mary Margaret sticks her fat arse in this thing!"

An american who spells it A-R-S-E!!! I'm impressed dude! LOL

 

[venray]

God's email.........

One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the evil that
was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it
out. So He called one of His best angels and sent the angel to
Earth for a while. When she returned she told God, yes it is bad on
Earth, 95% is bad and 5% is good.

Well, He thought for a moment and thought maybe He'd better send down
a second angel to get another point of view. So God called another
angel and sent him to Earth for a time too. When the angel returned
he went to God and told him "Yes, the Earth is in decline. 95% is
bad and 5% is good." God said this was not good.

So He decided to send e-mail to the 5% that were good. He wanted to
encourage them, give them a little something to help them keep
going.
.
.
.
Do you know what that e-mail said?
.
.
.
Oh, you didn't get one either, huh? Bummer.




Ven