Low_Roads
1st Level White Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 9,000
- Points
- 48
My brother was at a big party night and brought home a virus he'd caught from a sick guest. Instead of fatigue and retching, the germs are making him want to see the latest hot TV shows... about what you'd expect from a social influenza.
The difference between a trombone and a trampoline: you tend to get better elevation when you jump on a trampoline.
My new dog is a pit bull/collie mix, which has its problems but also its good points; after it ripped my arm off, it ran to get help.
Cybersecurity experts have discovered an easy way to spot North Korean hackers: they look for messages that never use the shift key. It's an important tipoff... North Koreans hate capitalism.
I ordered a Whisky and Coke. The bartender asked if it was okay to substitute Pepsi; I said okay. Result: turns out I'm not that crazy about a Pepsi and Coke.
The seven stages of a woman's life:
1. Infant.
2. Adolescent.
3. Teen.
4. Young woman.
5. Young woman.
6. Young woman.
7. Young woman.
If my boss is down on the factory floor, I go to inventory. If he wants someone to stay late, I make it my business to be on the road. It's my strategy to stay employed... he always says that a good worker is hard to find.
Q: How does an ambulance chaser celebrate a victory for fake injuries?
A: With a case of sham pain.
The rise of artificial intelligence really doesn't worry me; I'm more concerned that it's matching the rise of natural stupidity.
Ezra Miller still makes a scene in public. After all he's been through, you'd think he'd prefer a closed set.
I told mom I was preparing to meet my maker. I thought she'd be happy about the lunch invitation, but she got all upset about it!
According to new fossil discoveries, the feathered dinosaur Archaeopteryx fed exclusively on worms... which only goes to confirm what we already knew about early birds.
My sister stacks copies of Time Magazine, National Geographic, Better Homes and Gardens, Newsweek, Mechanics Illustrated and Readers Digest clear up to the celling. Yep, she has issues.
Barfly #1: "We gotta get outta here! See over by the door? My wife and my girlfriend both just came in at the same time!"
Barfly #2: "Nah, nah, nah... ya got it all backwards. That's my wife and my girlfriend."
I got a call today from an old grammar school classmate. Not a nice one... the guy was still pissed about a practical joke I played on him when I coated his pen with super glue. What a baby! Twenty years have passed and he just can't let it go!
Never attack a statistician. They have the means to defend themselves.
I've been hitting the home gym for at least an hour each day. It's a lot easier and more satisfying than working out with it.
Sermon on behalf of a recovering town doctor: "We must all have faith in man's medicine... but can it ever eclipse the faith we place in our Lord to heal? God is good: Dr. Andrews is better!"
I just watched Hitchcock's "Pycho" again! A lot of people think the shower scene's the scariest part, but I find it to be Martin Balsam's murder on the staircase. Stairs are inherently creepy; you just can't trust them. They're always up to something and they always let you down.
A stabbing had taken place in the Louvre Museum and anyone in the building could have done it. Even the Venus de Milo was a suspect; fortunately, she could prove that she wasn't armed.
I wanted to increase my intake of fiber, so started eating a wide variety of beans. Turns out my plan is massively backfiring.
Doctor examining X-ray plate: "Yes... I see a lot of this in October. It's exactly what I was afraid of."
Patient: "You've got to tell me, doctor! What is it?"
Doctor: "A skeleton."
* * *
The difference between a trombone and a trampoline: you tend to get better elevation when you jump on a trampoline.
* * *
My new dog is a pit bull/collie mix, which has its problems but also its good points; after it ripped my arm off, it ran to get help.
* * *
Cybersecurity experts have discovered an easy way to spot North Korean hackers: they look for messages that never use the shift key. It's an important tipoff... North Koreans hate capitalism.
* * *
I ordered a Whisky and Coke. The bartender asked if it was okay to substitute Pepsi; I said okay. Result: turns out I'm not that crazy about a Pepsi and Coke.
* * *
The seven stages of a woman's life:
1. Infant.
2. Adolescent.
3. Teen.
4. Young woman.
5. Young woman.
6. Young woman.
7. Young woman.
* * *
If my boss is down on the factory floor, I go to inventory. If he wants someone to stay late, I make it my business to be on the road. It's my strategy to stay employed... he always says that a good worker is hard to find.
* * *
Q: How does an ambulance chaser celebrate a victory for fake injuries?
A: With a case of sham pain.
* * *
The rise of artificial intelligence really doesn't worry me; I'm more concerned that it's matching the rise of natural stupidity.
* * *
Ezra Miller still makes a scene in public. After all he's been through, you'd think he'd prefer a closed set.
* * *
I told mom I was preparing to meet my maker. I thought she'd be happy about the lunch invitation, but she got all upset about it!
* * *
According to new fossil discoveries, the feathered dinosaur Archaeopteryx fed exclusively on worms... which only goes to confirm what we already knew about early birds.
* * *
My sister stacks copies of Time Magazine, National Geographic, Better Homes and Gardens, Newsweek, Mechanics Illustrated and Readers Digest clear up to the celling. Yep, she has issues.
* * *
Barfly #1: "We gotta get outta here! See over by the door? My wife and my girlfriend both just came in at the same time!"
Barfly #2: "Nah, nah, nah... ya got it all backwards. That's my wife and my girlfriend."
* * *
I got a call today from an old grammar school classmate. Not a nice one... the guy was still pissed about a practical joke I played on him when I coated his pen with super glue. What a baby! Twenty years have passed and he just can't let it go!
* * *
Never attack a statistician. They have the means to defend themselves.
* * *
I've been hitting the home gym for at least an hour each day. It's a lot easier and more satisfying than working out with it.
* * *
Sermon on behalf of a recovering town doctor: "We must all have faith in man's medicine... but can it ever eclipse the faith we place in our Lord to heal? God is good: Dr. Andrews is better!"
* * *
I just watched Hitchcock's "Pycho" again! A lot of people think the shower scene's the scariest part, but I find it to be Martin Balsam's murder on the staircase. Stairs are inherently creepy; you just can't trust them. They're always up to something and they always let you down.
* * *
A stabbing had taken place in the Louvre Museum and anyone in the building could have done it. Even the Venus de Milo was a suspect; fortunately, she could prove that she wasn't armed.
* * *
I wanted to increase my intake of fiber, so started eating a wide variety of beans. Turns out my plan is massively backfiring.
* * *
Doctor examining X-ray plate: "Yes... I see a lot of this in October. It's exactly what I was afraid of."
Patient: "You've got to tell me, doctor! What is it?"
Doctor: "A skeleton."
