Should parents have to take classes in proper ways to raise a child?

[BlackestLily]

I was having a discussion with a friend today about methods that were "right" and "wrong" about raising kids. Those methods can change by region, parental figure (whether it be mom and dad, just mom, just dad, grandparents, aunts/uncles, etc.), how that person was raised, by basis of child, etc.

But is there an inherent right and wrong way? Where is the line drawn? In an idealistic world, how would you raise your children? (These answers can be as generic or specific as you'd like.)

When is the proper time to send a child to school? Do you agree with sending a child to school? What about bedtimes? Video games? Allowable movies? Eating habits? Friends they are 'allowed' to have? When is having a boyfriend or girlfriend okay? How obnoxious is too obnoxious before you are willing to discipline your child in public? What it's the most severe form of discipline you are willing to enact upon a child to drive whatever your point is home? For those who have children, what's the severest form of discipline you engaged in?

Are people born with the ability to determine without training what is best for a young life, or would we benefit from parents-to-be going through seminars held by trained early-childhood professionals for the basics of child-rearing?

I know this may be a sore subject for some, so I'm hoping this can be turning into a post for sharing and learning rather than accusations and pompousness. Perhaps we can gain better understandings of each others views so that a more dialogue friendly environment can open. 🙂 (And I apologize ahead of time if this topic has been covered. I looked and didn't find one matching it exactly.)

 

[Capnmad]

I have no children of my own, but I work with troubled youth -- more often than not, taking up where parents have failed in several ways. While I'd very much like for there to be some standard course in basic care, setting boundaries and maintaining discipline, making it mandatory for expecting parents steps on civil liberties, and the freedoms parents have to raise the children in the way they see fit.

You bring up a good question with is there a "right and wrong way"? I'd tend to say results dictate the appropriateness of the approach, but then that just leads to more questions of what are the "right" results. For that, I'd suggest that the bottom line standard should be to keep kids off the streets, not committing crimes and not winding up in prison. And for these things, you need basic care, discipline and boundaries. All other things I'd have to reasonably leave to culture and parental discretion.

Even if you were to offer these courses, you probably couldn't make them mandatory except through court-order, and if someone's being processed through the court system, and being ordered to take such a course, a good part of the damage has been done.

I could conceivably see it offered as an option in the school system though, much like some take Home Ec. and Life Skills.

 

[chicago]

But is there an inherent right and wrong way? Where is the line drawn? In an idealistic world, how would you raise your children? (These answers can be as generic or specific as you'd like.)

If a parenting class is given in the US, it will obviously apply to those living in the US and there is a right and wrong way depending on where you're from, though everyone has their own opinions. In an ideal world, people would only have children when they were emotionally and financially ready, there would be two loving parents, the kids would grow up safe and well-rounded, and then be sent off to college paid for by those same loving parents. But, the reality is, more and more teenagers and young adults are having children with no regard for the child as a human being, no plans, no funds, and sometimes no fucking brains on how to raise them. More couples are getting divorced and more children are being hurt, physically or mentally in the long run.

When is the proper time to send a child to school? Do you agree with sending a child to school? What about bedtimes? Video games? Allowable movies? Eating habits? Friends they are 'allowed' to have? When is having a boyfriend or girlfriend okay? How obnoxious is too obnoxious before you are willing to discipline your child in public? What it's the most severe form of discipline you are willing to enact upon a child to drive whatever your point is home? For those who have children, what's the severest form of discipline you engaged in?

A child should start pre-school at about 4. Pre-school is usually only a few hours and it helps the child learn social skills and how to interact with others. Not to mention, it gets them used to the idea of being in a classroom setting and following a certain routine.

Do I agree with sending a child to school? Of course. Kids gotta learn their reading and writing and whathaveyou some way and I sure as hell am not going to be staying home to teach them. Not to mention, I'd say more than half of kids that are home schooled end up having some kind of social issue or personality problem.

Bedtimes obviously change with age, as do the amount of time and type of video games played. Movies and video games have ratings for this very reason.

My kids will be allowed to have any kind of friends they want as long as it's not something weird like a 35 year old man wanting to be "friends" with my 6 year old. And only as long as the child is not a horrible influence.

Girlfriend/Boyfriend is defined differently at different ages. Do I think having a boyfriend/girlfriend in middle school is ok? No. High school is ok for dating, but there is definitely going to have to be some boundaries put in place and certain discussions had.

If my child is throwing a temper tantrum in public, I'm not going to worry about people staring. I'm not going to beat my kid or anything, but I'm not going to be embarrassed to discipline them in public.

Most severe punishment? That will change with age and situation, etc. I am definitely not for corporal punishment. All it does is teach the child that it's ok to express their anger and solve problems with violence and I think we have enough gangs and shootings going on these days because of those lacking better parenting skills.

Are people born with the ability to determine without training what is best for a young life, or would we benefit from parents-to-be going through seminars held by trained early-childhood professionals for the basics of child-rearing?

No one is born knowing anything besides how to breathe, but hopefully a person grows up with good parents that teaches them these skills, or if they don't, they have the common sense to acknowledge that and make sure when they have children, they make corrections in their behavior so to as not act the way their parents did. However, in this day and age, I think any and everyone would benefit from seminars or classes held by trained professionals.

 

[Perduabo]

I would hate to have to see it come to that. But the way I see parents with their children nowadays, I don't think it would be that bad of an idea.

Kids get away with fucking murder anymore because parents are too afraid to step in and punish them for fear of being labeled as abusive. They need to learn you can lay down the law without laying your hands on them like a barbarian.

 

[venray]

When y'all have kids...we'll talk....

Right way? Wrong way? until you know exactly what you are getting into, there is no way to make judgement calls on what is right and wrong..

Classes for parents? Maybe...but who would run them and how many parents would take advantage by giving up time from working to support the kids or spending time with them..

Classes given before people actually become parents would be a great method of birth control....lol

Parents bring kids up based on the way they were brought up by their own....not always the best of methods but it is the one which defines the core of our existence as beings on this planet...

Instinct and learned behavior is what governs the decisions made....

To answer the OP's original question directly...no..parents or potential parents should not HAVE to take such classes.....

but it would not be a bad isea to have such classes available for those who would like to take them..

 

[WorkInProgress]

I say, absolutely not. The moment you make a curriculum out of parenting, there will be a bitter pedagogical politics over what should be the content and philosophy of that curriculum, and there will be as much nonsense as wisdom in what ends up getting taught. I'm in favor of social workers being available for parents to consult, and I'm in favor of support networks for parents, but not a course, and certainly not a mandatory course. I don't think it would help.

In my estimation, what really makes the difference isn't even having the exact technique, but rather, the quality of the relationship. And that has a lot more to do with the mental health of the parents than with what anybody has taught them to do.

 

[Amnesiac]

ABSO-FUCKING-LUTELY.

My own parents are a perfect case: two monogamous, educated, full-time professional people who were financially responsible and respectable, and with strong moral fiber. But in my mother's own words they were "marginal parents" because they had NO IDEA what to do with me. They were unprepared, and inflexible in adjusting to changes created not only by me, but by events in general. Proof positive to me that you can have all the established criteria for "good parenting" but be completely UNequipped to psychologically deal with it.

Parents like to fantasize about all the cool things about having kids and all the fun they'll have; sure there will be "challenges", but they tend to gloss over the details until lab tests or birth confirm autism, cerebral palsy, or any number of personality problems likely to occur. They never imagine what will happen if their children are so different than them that they cannot relate to them in any way...and if you can't relate to the person you live with, you develop resentment, contempt, and even antipathy towards them...the same way you feel about living with a roommate you can't stand. Think of all the horrible things you've done to co-habitants in revenge for the little things that piss you off...now imagine that war magnified 10-fold and one of the participants being a child forming their empathic connections to people at the same time.

This is not a job for amateurs. Cultures all over the world seem to perpetuate the belief that a parent's intentions and efforts constitute the suitability of their right and entitlement to raise children. Funnily enough, we don't seem to run our nuclear programs that way...or any other institution playing an important part in infrastructural maintenance. Why should we allow the future of humanity be run with any less control?

Now, INSTEAD OF A UNIVERSAL PARENTING CURRICULUM (Which would be disastrous), I think instead parents should be screened for complete psychological profiles to weed out the sociopaths and psychopaths and any other major dissociative disorder...THEN, they should be trained in anger management, conflict resolution, sleep deprivation, and special needs education. That way, the parent has a set of package skills necessary to adapt to any problem they are likely to encounter when their children throw them a curve ball, and authorities have a profile of what people might become problematic.

Remember, not all children are the same, even children in the same family...what works for one child might damage the other (a sensitive child born to a gruff parent), and in order to minimize the damage and to maximize beneficial results, a parent has to be able to adapt and alter their course accordingly and diplomatically. And rather than tailor all parents to the same course, it's more practical and less invasive to train them for scenarios.

 

[BellaRisa]

I say, absolutely not. The moment you make a curriculum out of parenting, there will be a bitter pedagogical politics over what should be the content and philosophy of that curriculum, and there will be as much nonsense as wisdom in what ends up getting taught. I'm in favor of social workers being available for parents to consult, and I'm in favor of support networks for parents, but not a course, and certainly not a mandatory course. I don't think it would help.

In my estimation, what really makes the difference isn't even having the exact technique, but rather, the quality of the relationship. And that has a lot more to do with the mental health of the parents than with what anybody has taught them to do.

Hmm...I see what you're saying and I agree that it would be up for debate as to who's philosophies are correct and what exactly is taught. Having said that, I do believe in mandatory **basic** classes and they should be taught in high school. I believe that the basics of childcare are pretty universal, from diaper changing and bathing to what to do with a baby that won't stop screaming and/or has a fever at 2am, lessons that used to be handed down within the family but that's no longer the case. It's my theory that a LOT of abuse could be avoided with simple teaching about why babies cry and how to cope, non-physical discipline (not starting a no-spanking debate, just saying that giving options can only help young people make choices). I agree about the mental health of the parents having a lot to do with the quality of the relationship; that mental health can be nurtured greatly by arming young future parents with the basic knowledge so that fear of the unknown and plain old ignorance don't lead to needless stress that in turn leads to trouble.

 

[DimpleToes]

I dont have children of my own yet I am the go between for my GF's daughters.. they dont get along as mother and daughter.. fight constantly. Both come to me to get the other one to listen to them.. I think having children is a life long lesson. There is no right or wrong way.. you both learn from trying things and if they dont work you find another way to do what needs to be done. I do beleive that children get away with too much for the parents are afraid to punish for fear of the government stepping in and threatening to send you to jail for spanking your child.. When I was growing up and you messed up big time you got you ass spanked hard. I quickly learned to not get mom that upset. I was only spanked an handfull of times while growing up.

Ok speaking for expereince, I feel parents need to not just be parents but freinds as well to the child.. LISTEN TO THEM. I did not have a good relationship with my parents and actually hatted them with a passion. for they did not listen to me about critical things that were literally life and death. When I was open about some of the abuse that was happening to me sexually.. My mom ignored it and allowed it to continue. She still to this day is in denial about it. I cannow say my mom is a freind for I forgave her and had to step up to the plate when she was suicidal a few yrs back.. We will never have a loving mother daughter relationship but I will take what I can.

 

[Miss Serendipity]

I see nothing wrong with people taking classes to better
understand their children and/or to find better ways to create
a good family dynamic but should it be neccesary can
be debated.

I am not a parent yet but I personally believe that there is no way to be a perfect parent. Secondly, who says their is "Proper" way to raise a child. That definition is going to vary amoung parents. What's right to
one may be wrong in someone elses eyes. I believe that the basics of child care are pretty much universal.

There are no perfect families and there is a significant difference between how things use to be than they are now. The lessons of parenting used to passed down within the family, that just doesn't happen anymore. Having classes can help young people/parents make choices and I see nothing wrong with that. Being prepared is a good thing!

As far as mental health goes. That is a whole different ball park.

and for some reason this just popped into my head:

"This whole baby thing baffles me, I mean you have it, you raise it, you basically screw it up, it resents you, feels guilty for resenting you and then it has a baby, which only perpetuates the vicious cycle."

 

[CarolinaTickler]

But is there an inherent right and wrong way? Where is the line drawn? In an idealistic world, how would you raise your children? (These answers can be as generic or specific as you'd like.)

When is the proper time to send a child to school? Do you agree with sending a child to school? What about bedtimes? Video games? Allowable movies? Eating habits? Friends they are 'allowed' to have? When is having a boyfriend or girlfriend okay? How obnoxious is too obnoxious before you are willing to discipline your child in public? What it's the most severe form of discipline you are willing to enact upon a child to drive whatever your point is home? For those who have children, what's the severest form of discipline you engaged in?

Are people born with the ability to determine without training what is best for a young life, or would we benefit from parents-to-be going through seminars held by trained early-childhood professionals for the basics of child-rearing?

I personally would say there is a wrong way to raise a child, but I'm speaking more along the lines of abuse or neglect. Everyone has their own style when it comes to parenting. The real thing is that it is different for every child. I coach sports for the YMCA and there are some kids that need different things than others. I had one kid who cried constantly and he needed more encouragement than some of the others. Another one of the kids was just a natural athlete and he didn't really need a lot of affirmation. Some of the kids have no idea what they are doing and need instruction. All kids are different and you have to be able to adapt to what the child's needs are.

I don't see a problem with a parenting classes at all. I usually find that the best advice I get about dealing with kids is from people who have already been there. I was playing poker with some of my friends the other night and some of them are a good deal older than me. It was kind of encouraging to hear them talk about mistakes they had made or things they had done right. I tend to hang out with a lot of people my own age so it is cool to get to hang out with slightly older or even significantly older individuals and listen to their experience so I can learn from it.

Though I'm not personally a parent I will try to answer some of your questions with my own opinions.

When is the proper time to send a child to school?
I was homeschooled as a kid and I started at about age 5 (not counting preschool). I would personally start my kid off in preschool at an early age (possibly 3) so that they can start to learn how to socialize with other kids.

Do you agree with sending a child to school?
Again, I was homeschooled till like age 14. I think I turned out fine but I wouldn't do that to my kid. Though I knew as much or more than other kids, I didn't have the best social skills for the first couple years. I would send my kids to a public school.

What about bedtimes?
It would depend on their ages. My brothers and my younger sister all had different bed times depending on our age. I don't know about specific times and that is something I would have to think about.

Video games?
I was playing video games at an early age and it never hurt me. I would probably do like my parents and not allow it on school nights though because it can be distracting. Even on the weekends I would probably set a limit on how much they could play.

Allowable movies?
I would go by the rating systems.

Eating habits?
No soft drinks mainly because I wouldn't buy them for myself either. I would probably also keep snacks that aren't too salty or fattening since I don't eat them myself.

Friends they are 'allowed' to have?
I would want to meet their friends and know who they are hanging around and I wouldn't want them associating with kids who are constantly getting into trouble.

When is having a boyfriend or girlfriend okay?
This is a tough one. I technically wasn't "allowed" to date till I had a drivers license. I did anyway but it wasn't technically allowed by my parents. I say once my kid hits teen years they can start to date.

How obnoxious is too obnoxious before you are willing to discipline your child in public?
I wouldn't do it in public but they would know it was coming and why it happened when they got home.

What is the most severe form of discipline you are willing to enact upon a child to drive whatever your point is home?
I would spank my kids but it would have to be severe circumstances. Most of the time I would just ground them or withhold privledges.