So What Do I Do? About Mom And Illness

[Mitchell]

Before I start this thread, I want to apologize if I seemed snippy at anyone in the thread about Romney. As I said before, I respect everyone's right to vote as they please. Those of you who are my friends, who vote GOP, are still my friends, and will be no matter what happens in the election.

Now.. to the reason for my.. being on edge. My mom is sick, and refuses to do anything about it.

Since last Thursday, shes had a chest cold. Although I'm not thinking its God forbid that the cancer has returned, her being sick with a chest cold, isnt like me.. or a healthy person being sick, because of her age, COPD, weakened lungs, and cancer treatment. On Saturday she had an asthma attack similar to the one that hospitalized her for weeks in October 2010.

I've prevailed upon her to call our internist, the chemo Dr in NJ, the hospital in Lancaster, or the one in NJ. She's said no to all.

She claims she doesnt want to die,, but.. she told me she's sick of hospitals, Drs, meds, etc. Her scan isnt for another 3 weeks, so she wants to try and avoid all of those things before the scan.

I told her I have a good mind to email her cancer Dr myself, to see if he can call her, and talk some sense into her. She said if I do that, its a betrayal. During one of her NJ hospitalizations when I was up there over the summer, it was my email to him when she felt very sick, and his call to her, that caused her to finally go to the ER.

I know if this was a reversed situation, she would be on me to go to the Dr or hosp.

What do I do? Sit here and take a chance she'll get worse, email or call the Dr, or call 911 and take her to the hosp?

Any advice would be appreciated. I'm also concerned because of the length of this. Its going on six days already.

Thanks,.
Mitch

 

[GQguy]

This is an executive decision that only YOU can make. You are intelligent enough, caring enough and intuitive enough to make a decision. Before my dad came down with his illness that put him in a coma for close to three months I made the decision to take him to the hospital disregarding all protest. In the end he doesn't even remember the conversations we had...if he wants to be angry that's great! At least he's alive to be angry. Parents raise their kids....eventually those kids grow up and in turn take care of their parents. You know the deal.

GQ

 

[Mitchell]

Thanks, GQ. I appreciate your support, my friend. I'm very sorry about your dad being in a coma for 3 months. You made the right decision to take him to the hosp.

As for me: I'm torn because if I do something she gets upset with, her asthma acts up, which is bad. To be clear, shes coherent, and not unconscious. Shes just coughing a lot, feeling sick, and having breathing problems.

Shes sleeping now. I'm going to let her sleep, unless she wakes up, and needs me. If she sleeps through the night, I'll tell her that she needs to call or email one of the Drs or hospitals in the AM, or I'm going to be doing it for her. I dont know what this is. All I know is its been going on for six days, and I dont want something to happen to make it worse.

Mitch

 

[Marquis De Sade]

I would call. If you don't and God forbid something happens, you'll never forgive yourself. Better safe than sorry man. 🙂

 

[unclebill]

Like the others said, I`d call. Best of luck, Mitch.

 

[Jagermeistered]

Hi Mitch,

It depends on her fruition and discomfort. Is she complaining?

My Grandfather is dealing with spinal cancer, arthritis, and diabetes... I'm never home to hear the complaints, during the day... But, I hear it from Grandma... At night, he's very peaceful.

But, for a short time, 911 - was usually called.

I'm basically asking: does she hurt? If not, its a physical condition she is used to. And, to stubborn to market.

 

[Mitchell]

Thanks, Marquis. I appreciate it.

Thanks, bill.

Jager, I'm very sorry about your grandfather's cancer. My thoughts and prayers are with him.

She is used to dealing with COPD. The problem this time is.. she is coughing non stop, and cant catch her breath. She was sleeping for several hours, and just woke up with a coughing spell. At this hr, the only option would be to call 911 and take her to Lancaster General. I wont call or email her DR in NJ at 1130 at night. The latest I've ever emailed him is 9pm.

I'm going to keep prevailing upon her to call 911. If she wont, I'll either do it myself,. or.. if she goes back to sleep, I'll call or email her Dr in the morning.

Thanks for the support guys. It means a lot to me. You're all awesome.

Mitch

 

[tkpatience]

I'm not trying to be insensitive, but do you have power of attorney?

The reason I ask is because, if you've ever taken a CPR class they teach you about things like liability. As stupid as it sounds, a caregiver or facility is able to be sued if they go against the wishes of the person(s) with decision making responsibility as long as said person (or proxy) be of sound mind and body.

Taking a look at the reversed situation:
given you were of sound mind and body, the call would be yours and anyone you granted power of attorney to make.

With that jargon out of the way.

I hope you luck in persuading your mother. It's tough when a love one is sick.

In future cases where your options are limited by time, I suggest calling the ER and talking to them about the situation. They are medically trained to handle issues both big and small. I'll leave this one to the professionals.

 

[Mitchell]

patience, thanks for your insight. I know you are sincere.

To answer your question about power of attorney: We never did anything formally, but, the call would be mine. I'm her next of kin, decision maker,etc. I'm the only one here with her, and the only one in the family who really gives a damn about her.

She made it through the night, Thank God, without my needing to call anyone. She's sleeping now. When she wakes up, I'm going to be on her today to call one of the Drs.

Thanks again,

Mitch

 

[kis123]

If it were me I'd monitor her and if she got any sicker, I'd betray her in a heartbeat. Why go through all she's been through only to let a chest cold take her out? A chest cold to you and me is a cold-a chest cold to her can turn to pneumonia and......well you know the rest.

Here's to best wishes for a speedy and complete recovery.

 

[Mitchell]

kis, thanks for your good wishes, hun, it is appreciated.

I agree with you. Shes still sleeping, and has been for much of the last 12 hours. When she wakes up, I'm going to be on her to call or email the Dr. If not, I may do it.

Mitch

 

[Angel_2]

She may see it as betrayal I see it as saving a life. She and you have come way to far to let a chest cold do her in. If I'm you I'm making that call asap I don't care what she says. Parents would NEVER think twice about taking their children to the hospital if it was us in need of medical aid. If she is still sick no if and or buts about it, email, call do what you have to do to insure your mom gets better.

Funny isn't it tho, parents often know better until they become older and act like kids the older they get esp. when it comes to their own health.

All the best

 

[Mitchell]

Thanks for your insight, Angel, I appreciate it.

Shes still sleeping. When she gets up, I'm going to do something. The big problem is the whole dual hospitals/DRs being 150 miles away thing. If we were in NJ, I would have made her go to her Dr, or to St Clares, days ago. As it is, the Drs here fucked things up so badly, that I myself dont trust them, and would only go there in emergency.

I'll know in a bit what to do.

Mitch

 

[Mitchell]

Just so everyone knows the resolution to this situation.

My mom woke up, and I told her I wanted her to call/email the Dr in NJ. She got pissed, saying she doesnt want to be pumped with antibiotics, etc. So.. I emailed him myself. He said that from what I told him, it doesnt sound too serious. He told me to monitor her, and if God forbid it gets worse, to see a Dr, or go to the hospital in Lancaster, or NJ.

Thanks for the support, everyone. It means a lot. Hopefully this is just a bump in the road, and will pass.

Mitch

 

[kcantankerous]

Mitch,

I have not communicated with you a lot and I want this situation to unfold in the best way possible. Having said that you may not like what I am about to say. Let me preface by saying I have not been in this position which sometimes makes it the best advice and sometimes it makes it the most wrongheaded.

Mitch, depending on your emotional state you may want to skip the rest of what I'm about to say. If you've read my posts since I jumped back into the fold I hope your realize that I don't approach these things with malicious intent.

I think the best thing to do is be by her side as much as possible. Some people just get fed up and are physically miserable and get tired of feeling that way. They essentially subconsciously or consciously want the pain to cease. Furthermore, they see how their pain effects their loved ones and want to unburden them as well.

It could be that your mother is in fact ready to die. She obviously would never say that to you because she loves you. So on that score I would just be there for her and comfort her. The other thing you could do is be empathetic, cause you may begin to feel resentment, but don't. She is putting on a brave face and I'm sure you'd probably understand her position by jumping into her shoes so to speak.

I hope I am wrong, but judging on what you've posted I suspect that I might be right. Please do not grill her about this, just show her the love that you clearly have for her. If you are religious, or if she is pray, for her. A lot of times we tend to think of things from our point of view, which is natural, and not from the person's point of view.

Let me add that if 911 needs to be called I would do that, say if she is at home. For multiple reasons this would clearly be the best choice.

Thanks and best of luck,
K

 

[Mitchell]

K, thanks for your insight. I know it is being sincere, and not malicious. Here is my reply.

I disagree with you about her being ready to die. She hasnt conveyed this to me in any way. She is still going for her scan in late Jan, and told me she wants us both to make progress in goals, etc.

What I really think it is, is that she just doesnt believe shes sick enough to call the Drs. Meds do make her sick, and she said she doesnt want to take them unless obsulutely needed.

She claims she will call the Dr, or tell me to call, if she feels she needs it. All I can do now is wait and see.

Thanks again.

Mitch

 

[Marquis De Sade]

What I really think it is, is that she just doesnt believe shes sick enough to call the Drs. Meds do make her sick, and she said she doesnt want to take them unless obsulutely needed.

She claims she will call the Dr, or tell me to call, if she feels she needs it. All I can do now is wait and see.

Thanks again.

Mitch

This makes sense. A lot of people who're sick or have been get tired of being babied and feeling helpless or weak. It can especially difficult if they're a strong person in general.

 

[kcantankerous]

K, thanks for your insight. I know it is being sincere, and not malicious. Here is my reply.

I disagree with you about her being ready to die. She hasnt conveyed this to me in any way. She is still going for her scan in late Jan, and told me she wants us both to make progress in goals, etc.

What I really think it is, is that she just doesnt believe shes sick enough to call the Drs. Meds do make her sick, and she said she doesnt want to take them unless obsulutely needed.

She claims she will call the Dr, or tell me to call, if she feels she needs it. All I can do now is wait and see.

Thanks again.

Mitch

You could be right in that context. Yeah, the hard part about giving advice is filtering the advice givers mood and biases from the advice given. I still think you should be there for her, but yeah I think you and Marquis De Sade have a good point. I hope the best possible scenario results.

Thanks,
K

 

[Mitchell]

Thanks, Marquis. What you said makes sense. She told me that she is reluctant to call the chemo Dr, unless absolutely needed, for fear of seemingly like a "nag". Trust me, I know him. He'd want her to call, and be more upset if I told her she didnt call him.

K, I know that your advice is sincere. I base my reactions to people, on their whole context of dealing with me, and not on one thing said. Your advice has always been helpful and sincere. I appreciate this. Such is why I responded as I did.

I'll post updates if needed. Right now I'd say its a toss up to if anything will be done. Hopefully, she will begin to feel better on her own.

Mitch

 

[Leo tickles]

The night before my dad died, I, at 15, made the executive decision while my mom was running around panicking to call 911. He died in the hospital the next day.

Point is, nobody wants to go to the hospital when they're sick. Use your better judgment and send her there while they can still hopefully do something to help her.

 

[Mitchell]

Sorry about what happened to your dad, Leo.

To be clear, she isnt unconscious, or such. She has a chest cold, which is scary because of her conditions. Due to the fact that she is coherent, and not unconscious, I cant force her to go to the hospital.

As I said earlier, I'm going to keep watch on her. I think she seemed better today. If God Forbid she gets worse again, I'll contact the Dr again. He didnt seem panicked to send her to the hosp, so maybe he feels she will get better.

Thanks again, Leo.

Mitch