Some hell humor

[Prime]

<U>THREE DOORS OF HELL</U>

A guy dies and goes to hell. The devil meets him at the gate and says,
"Alright,
you have died and come to hell. You will spend eternity here, but you get to
choose
how to spend it. You may choose one of these three doorways. Once you choose
a
door, you may not change it. So let's get started."

The devil opens Door One. The guy looks in and sees a couple of people
standing on their heads on a Concrete floor. The guy says, "No way, let's
move on."
The devil opens Door Two. The guy sees a few more people standing on their
heads
on a Wood floor. The guy says, "No way, let's move on." The devil opens Door
Three.
The guy sees a bunch of people standing knee-deep in cow manure drinking
coffee.
The guy says, "Great, this is the one I will chose." The devil says, "OK,
wait right
here, I will get you some coffee."

The guy settles in with his coffee thinking that this isn't so bad.
What's the big
deal? After about 10 minutes a voice comes over the loud speaker saying,
"Coffee break's over. Back on your heads!"

 

[Biggles of 266]

A guy dies and goes to hell. The devil meets him at the gate and says, "Alright, you have died and come to hell. You will spend eternity here, but you get to choose how to spend it. You may choose one of these three doorways. Once you choose a door, you may not change it. So let's get started."

The devil opens the first door and the guy sees a bunch of people being nailed to the wall. He thinks "hell no, that looks shitty", so they move on to the next room.

In room number two, the guy sees a bunch of people having their internal organs being removed out their noses and stuffed back in their mouth. He thinks "damn, that one's worse than the first one" so they move on to the final door.

Inside the third room is a huge lake full of people standing up to their chins in vomit, all chanting "don't make waves, don't make waves". The guy thinks, "OK, this'll do" and climbs down into the lake of bile. After the devil goes, he asks the guy next to him "hey, what's it like in here?" and the guy next to him says "it's ok, but it's a bitch on the weekends when the angels come down with their speed-boats"


there, wasn't that worth the wait...

 

[Dave2112]

This is an old one I posted, and thought it would fit nicely here. It's the actual origin of the "don't step on a Duck" saga....


One day, Marauder, Qjakal and Venray are in a van headed to a gathering. A horrible accident takes place, and all three find themselves in the undesirable position of entering Hell. (Don't ask why, that would be a whole page of related jokes...)

Satan says "I've been waiting for you three! You're stuck here, but I like your work, so I'll keep you guys on the upper levels. Walk around, take the tour....but I warn you of one thing. Don't step on a duck. They're all former lawyers and there's a few million of them waddling around. Once you step on one, it starts quacking and then the rest start quacking...it gives me a fucking migraine. So, do what you want, but tread lightly or you'll be forced to endure your worst nightmare."

The three friends aren't all that happy about being in Hell, but figure they caught a break, so they start exploring.

Sure as shit, not fifteen minutes go by before Marauder steps on a duck, starting a cacaphony of quackery.

Satan appears in a flash of smoke. "I warned you..." he says, as The Marauding Pirate is instantly locked into a set of stocks in his tiger-print thong. (Don't ask.) Seven nasty-looking women appear and start tickling the former Tickler into a blob of goo.

Venray and Q take great care over the next few days, loathe to suffer thier friend's fate. However, only a few days go by before Venray steps on a duck as the sounds of squawking reverberate through the chambers of Hell.

Satan appears again, and in a flash, the emoticon master is hogtied as seven creepy ladies tickle him out of his mind, his punishment for all eternity.

Q manages to go another week without any flattened fowl. However, in a flash of smoke, Satan appears before him. He braces himself to beg for his freedom, as he's sure he never squashed a duck.

He's shocked, though, as Satan quickly disappears; in his place is the gorgeous Priscilla James...strapped down to a table with a "Tickle Me" sign at the head.

In his amazement, Q wonders aloud "What did I do to deserve this?"

Priscilla looks up at him and says...

..."I don't know what you did, but I stepped on a duck..."


(By the way, Q....that's for the "Myriads' sister" prank....told you it'd come someday.....😀 )

 

[qjakal]

LOL.....

Yeah....payback...."Heaven can be hellish indeed, and the bowels of hell heavensent with the company of thee and those of your ilk..."

(From a horrible novel I started in the 7th grade or so...don't know why it has stuck in my poor little braincells for 40 years, but perhaps it's one of my torments)

Nice joke, but I think you should send it to Priscilla....lol..