Strelnikov
4th Level Red Feather
- Joined
- May 7, 2001
- Messages
- 1,812
- Points
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Twelve ways to avoid an old-fashioned Southern ass whoopin. Issued by the Southern Tourism Bureau to ALL visiting Northerners, Californians and other Urbanites:
1. Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle House. It's a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know. If you confuse them, they'll kick your ass.
2. Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda down here. Down here it's called Coke. Nobody gives a flying rat's ass whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up or whatever... it's still a Coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an ass kickin.
3. We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (e. g., Welty, Williams, Faulkner). We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies, or we will kick your ass.
4. We have plenty of business sense (e. g., Fred Smith of Fed Ex, Turner Broadcasting, MCI, MTV, Netscape). Naturally, we do, sometimes, have small lapses in judgment (e. g. Edwards, Duke, Barr, McKinney). We don't care if you think we are dumb. We are not dumb enough to let someone move to our state in order to run for the Senate. If someone tried to do that, we would kick her ass.
5. We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell up. Just spend your money and get the hell out of here, or we'll kick your ass.
6. Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly know that you're a Yankee. Eat your biscuits like God intended - with gravy. And don't put sugar on your grits, or we will kick your ass.
7. Don't fake a Southern accent. This will incite a riot, and someone will kick your ass.
8. Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know better. Many of us have visited Northern hellholes like Detroit, Chicago, Philly, and New York City, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Delta (a Southern Airline) is ready when you are. Move your ass on home before it gets kicked.
9. Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand what we are saying. All other Southerners understand what we are saying, and that's all that matters. Now, go away and leave us alone, or we'll kick your ass.
10. Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say sir and ma'am. We hold doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks. Such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little gray-haired grandmothers or they'll kick some manners into your ass just like they did ours.
11. If you move down here don't complain that "we don't do things like that where I'm from". If you don't like it, I-75 goes North and I-40 goes West. Choose one and use it appropriately, or we’ll kick your ass.
12. Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down here and tell us how to cook barbecue. This WILL get your ass shot (right after it is kicked). You're lucky we let you come down here at all. Criticize our barbecue, and you will go home in a pine box.. . . minus your ass!
Strelnikov
1. Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle House. It's a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know. If you confuse them, they'll kick your ass.
2. Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda down here. Down here it's called Coke. Nobody gives a flying rat's ass whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up or whatever... it's still a Coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an ass kickin.
3. We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (e. g., Welty, Williams, Faulkner). We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies, or we will kick your ass.
4. We have plenty of business sense (e. g., Fred Smith of Fed Ex, Turner Broadcasting, MCI, MTV, Netscape). Naturally, we do, sometimes, have small lapses in judgment (e. g. Edwards, Duke, Barr, McKinney). We don't care if you think we are dumb. We are not dumb enough to let someone move to our state in order to run for the Senate. If someone tried to do that, we would kick her ass.
5. We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell up. Just spend your money and get the hell out of here, or we'll kick your ass.
6. Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly know that you're a Yankee. Eat your biscuits like God intended - with gravy. And don't put sugar on your grits, or we will kick your ass.
7. Don't fake a Southern accent. This will incite a riot, and someone will kick your ass.
8. Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know better. Many of us have visited Northern hellholes like Detroit, Chicago, Philly, and New York City, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Delta (a Southern Airline) is ready when you are. Move your ass on home before it gets kicked.
9. Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand what we are saying. All other Southerners understand what we are saying, and that's all that matters. Now, go away and leave us alone, or we'll kick your ass.
10. Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say sir and ma'am. We hold doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks. Such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little gray-haired grandmothers or they'll kick some manners into your ass just like they did ours.
11. If you move down here don't complain that "we don't do things like that where I'm from". If you don't like it, I-75 goes North and I-40 goes West. Choose one and use it appropriately, or we’ll kick your ass.
12. Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down here and tell us how to cook barbecue. This WILL get your ass shot (right after it is kicked). You're lucky we let you come down here at all. Criticize our barbecue, and you will go home in a pine box.. . . minus your ass!
Strelnikov
I have to admit most of those we true. 
