The Bar Joke Thread

[kurchatovium]

Another amazing product from Kurchatovium Thread Technologies. The bar joke thread here you can tell all your hilarious bar jokes for all to enjoy.

Let me get you started:

Two cannibals walk into a bar and sit next to a clown. The one cannibal eats the clown and then sits down again. The cannibal then says to the other cannibal "That guy sure tasted funny.".

 

[amk714]

2 drunks bar hopping...

Two drunks were trying to figure out how to get some alcohol for free.

They only had a dollar in change between them. "I've got it, follow me." said the first man.

They went to a hot dog stand and bought a dog and threw away the bun. "We'll go into a bar and order drinks, and when the bartender asks for money, I'll unzip my fly and pull out the hot dog. You drop to your knees and pretend to suck me off."

The second man agrees to this and they start thier rounds.

When they get to the bar, they sit down and have a beer.

The bartender tells them, "That will be 3 dollars."

The first man stands up and upzips his fly. The second man drops to his knees and starts sucking on the hot-dog.

"You faggots!", screams the bartender. "Get the hell out of here!"

They run out and go to another bar and order drinks and when the bartender asks for money, the first man unzips his fly, and the second man drops to his knees.

The bartender throws them out.

After the sixth bar the second man complains, "Man this isn't working out so well, My knees are killing me!"

"You think you've had it bad..", the first man exclaims. "I lost the hotdog 4 bars ago!" 😀

 

[venray]

Alligator in Bar .........

A guy walked into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He put the alligator up on the bar.

He turned to the astonished patrons and said, 'I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the 'gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.'

The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The 'gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The 'gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer.

'I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try.'

A hush fell over the crowd.

After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar and a woman timidly spoke up.

'I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with a beer bottle.'

 

[venray]

And furthermore........

A man walks into a bar with his dog and orders two glasses of whiskey. He proposes a toast and both he and his dog empty their glasses.

The girl behind the bar is surprised and asks; 'Can your dog perform other tricks?'.

'But of course', the man answers, 'he can even gratify a woman'.

Anxious to know more the girl leads the man and the dog into a little room above the bar. She undresses and full of expectation she lies down on the bed.

The dogs looks at her and does nothing.

'It's always the same thing with you!', the man then shouts to the dog, 'I'll show you how to do it one last time'.

 

[kurchatovium]

A man walks into a bar and asks a beautiful woman sitting in the corner if she would go out with him. The woman replies "I'm highly flattered but I'm a lesbian.". The man says "I'm sorry I don't know what that means.". The woman says "You see that gorgeous woman at the other end of the bar.". The man says "Yes.". The woman says "There is nothing more I would like than to get her back into my apartment rip off all her clothes and make love to every square inch of her body.". "Really." the man says. The woman replies "Yes really.". The man says "Well I'll be darned I guess I'm a lesbian too.".

 

[venray]

Three Englishmen were in a bar and spotted an Irishman.

So, one of the Englishmen walked
over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder, and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a ******."

"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that."

Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a ******, and
he didn't care."

The second Englishman remarked,
"You just don't know how to set him off...watch and learn."

So, the second Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said,
"Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a transvestite ******!"

"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that."

Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies. "You're right. He's unshakable!"

The third Englishman emarked, "Boys, I'll really tick him off... just watch."

So the third Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the
shoulder and said, "I hear St. Patrick was an Englishman!"

"Yeah, that's what your buddies were trying to tell me."

 

[milagros317]

On a cold rainy day, a man walks into a bar with his dog. He tells the bartender, a large fellow, that his dog can talk, and will demonstrate it for a free drink. The bartender agrees.

"What is the texture of sandpaper?" asks the man.

"Rough," says the dog.

"What is keeping the rain off of us now?'

"Roof."

"Who hit the most home runs in the Major Leagues?"

"Ruth."

At this point, the bartender, disgusted, comes from behind the bar, picks them both up, one in each hand, and throws them out of the door into the street.

They lie on the sidewalk, getting soaked by the rain.

"Sorry," says the dog, "I forgot it's Henry Aaron."

 

[qjakal]

Old one...

Sister Mary Katherine lived in a convent, a block away from Jack's liquor store. One day, in walked Sister Mary Katherine and she said, "Oh Jack, give me a pint o' the brandy."
"Sister Mary Katherine, " exclaimed Jack, "I could never do that! I've never sold alcohol to a nun in my life!"

"Oh Jack, " she responded, "it's only for the Mother Superior." Her voice dropped. "It helps her constipation, you know."

So, Jack sold her the brandy. Later that night Jack closed the store and walked home. As he passed the convent, who should he see but Sister Mary Katherine; and she was snookered. She was singing and dancing, whirling around and flapping her arms like a bird, right there on the sidewalk. A crowd was gathering, so Jack pushed through and exclaimed, "Sister Mary Katherine! For shame! You told me this was for the Mother Superior's constipation!"

Sister Mary Katherine didn't miss a beat as she replied: "And so it is, me lad, so it is. When she sees me, she's going to shit!"

 

[qjakal]

One more...

Just for the heck of it...

Two friends were in a bar drinking a beer when one pulled out a cigar but he didn't have a lighter so he asked his friend if he had one..

"I sure do," he replied and reached into his pocket and pulled out a 10 inch Bic lighter.

"Wow!" said his friend, "where did you get that monster."

"I got it from my genie."

"You have a genie?" he asked.

"Yes, he's right here in my pocket."

"Could I see him?"

He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a very small genie.

The friend says, "I'm a good friend of your master. Will you grant me one wish?"

"Yes I will," the genie said so he asks him for a million bucks and the genie hops back into his master's pocket and leaves the man standing there waiting for his million bucks.

About this time, a duck walks into the bar followed by another. Then more ducks come pouring in. Before long the entire bar has ducks everywhere. The friend tells his buddy, "What is going on here, I asked for a million bucks not ducks!"

He answers, "I forgot to tell you the genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 10 inch Bic?"


Q

 

[Flatfoot]

Here's my incredibly cheesy bar joke...

A guy walks into a bar.

Another man looks at him and says, "Ouch! That must've hurt!"

 

[qjakal]

Ummm...good try, Sir FlatFoot, BUT

Here's the all time cheesiest joke/pun/"ewww" and I dearly love it and have for at least 20 years. Be warned, it's really bad, and on more than one level to boot. It's common title is "String"......



A string walks into a bar and the bartender says " We don't serve your kind around here, so you'll just have to leave."

So the string walks out of the bar and sees two young ladies walking down the street and asked one to tie him in a knot and the other to kinda fluff him out a little with her comb.

After thanking the ladies the string goes back in, sits down at the bar and asks for a beer. The bartender says " Aren't you the same string I just told to leave?" And he replied "No, I'm a frayed knot."

 

[Flatfoot]

Nice one, Q. Reminds me of another one...

A mushroom walks into a bar, and asks for a beer. The bartender says to the mushroom, "I'm sorry, pal, but you're gonna have to leave. We don't serve YOUR kind here."

The mushroom is a little upset and says, "Aw, c'mon. Why can't I stay? I'm a fungi!"

::awaiting grimaces::

 

[ShiningIce]

*grimaces*

 

[kurchatovium]

A skeleton walks into a bar an orders a pitcher of beer and a roll of paper towels (think about it).

 

[luv2bt&tickled]

A duck waddles into a bar and hops on a stool. The bartender snarls, "What'll you have?"

The duck says, "Got any grapes?"

The bartender spits and says "We don't have grapes here, we serve drinks, now get out!"

The duck hops off the stool and waddles out.

The next day, the same duck waddles into the same bar, hops on a stool, looks the bartender in the eye and asks, "Got any grapes?"

The bartender, irritated, says, "I told you yesterday we don't serve grapes here, we serve drinks, now GET OUT!"

The duck hops off the stool and waddles out.

The next day, the same duck waddles into the same bar and hops on a stool, looks at the bartender, and asks, "Got any grapes?"

The bartender, infuriated, pounds his fist on the bar and yells at the duck, "I told you two times we don't serve grapes here, we serve drinks! If you ask me that ONE
MORE TIME I'm going to nail your beak to the bar! NOW GET OUT!"

With that, the duck shrugged, hopped off the stool and waddled out.

The next day, the same duck waddled into the same bar, hopped on a stool, looked the bartender in the eye and asked, "Got any nails?"

The bartender, puzzled, said no.

The duck then looked him square in the eye and said, "Got any grapes?"


😀

 

[ShiningIce]

*grimaces some more*

 

[luv2bt&tickled]

*grimaces some more*

Are you making funny faces at me? LOL Well, I just might be rolling my eyes at woo too!😀 Aha, and sticking out my tongue! I'm such an adult!

Guy walks into a bar with a duck on his head. The bartender looks up
and says "Where did you get that ape?" Guy says, "This isn't an ape,
it's a duck". Bartender says "I was TALKING to the duck".

 

[kurchatovium]

A proton walks into a bar and asks the bartender "I lost an electron in here.". The bartender says "Are you sure?". "I'm positive." says the proton.

 

[kurchatovium]

A man walks into the bar with a monkey on top of his head. The bartender says "That looks kind of uncomfortable.". The monkey replies "It is but I can't get this human out of my ass.".

 

[TheRhythmDoctor]

A dog walks into a bar.

"Can I get a drink?", said the dog to the bartender.

"Sure," replied the bartender. "The toilet's right back that way!"

 

[TheRhythmDoctor]

Rene Descartes walks into a bar.

The bartender walks over to him and says, "would you like a drink?"

Descartes replies, "I think not," and disappears.

 

[luv2bt&tickled]

A mushroom walks into a bar and the bartender says "I'm sorry we don't serve your kind. The mushroom says, "Why not I'm a fungi." ( pronounced - fun guy)🙂

 

[luv2bt&tickled]

A man is at the bar, really drunk. Some guys decide to be good samaritans and get him home. So they pick him up off the floor, and drag him out the door. On the way to the car, he falls down three times. When they get to his house, they help him out of the car and, he falls down four more times. They ring the bell, and one says, "Here's your husband!"

The man's wife says, "Where the hell is his wheelchair?"

 

[TheRhythmDoctor]

Two lawyers are sitting in a bar. They both spot this beautiful woman sitting at the other end of the bar.

The first lawyer says to the second lawyer, "Man, I would just LOVE to screw her."

The second lawyer says to the first lawyer, "Out of what?"

 

[kurchatovium]

A man walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads "Make the Horse Laugh and You Get Free Drinks for the Night.". He says to the bartender "Is that sign true?". Bartender says "Yes it is sir.". The man whispers into the horse's ear and the horse starts laughing hysterically. "You win." says the bartender.

The man comes in the next day and asks is the deal still the same as it says on the sign. Bartender says "Yes it is make the horse laugh and you get free drinks.". The man whispers into the horse's ear and once again and the horse starts laughing hysterically. "You win again." says the bartender.

The bartender tired of losing to the man changes the sign to "Make the Horse Cry and You Get Free Drinks for the Night.". Like clockwork the man comes in and the bartender says "I've changed it around now you have to make the horse cry.". "That's OK but can I take the horse into the restroom." the man asks. The bartender says "I don't see why not.". The man takes the horse into the bathroom and when they come out the horse is sobbing like a baby. "Ok sir you win but I have to know what you've been telling the horse these past few days.". The the man said "The first two days I told him my cock was bigger than his, today I showed him that it was.".