A team of college professors from U Cynic, a small and downtrodden school, has published the following extensive report based upon their studies of the life of the typical (American) human being. They state that their findings on the nature of existence are absolutely accurate after years of tiresome scientific research amongst a variety of large sample sizes:
Ages 0-17: Dream, hope and imagine at all times. Blame all failures and shortcomings on parents and peers. Get away with things because ‘you don’t know any better’. Use feeble mind and short attention span to dictate consumerism and pop culture. Possibly develop rational thought(s).
Ages 18-2x: Live ‘wild’ and ‘free’. Boredom is the enemy. Fun is the weapon used to combat it. Avoid accountability. Openly tempt fate and mock death. Share in idealism by honestly believing that whatever you are doing is universally significant. Deny the existence of mistakes with the catch-all excuse of youth. If unlucky, fall into [some form of] responsibility. Have at least one pregnancy scare (***Researchers note: If living near or under the poverty line, have at least one child***). Kill a minimum of 25% of brain cells through the use of drugs, alcohol and reality TV.
Ages 2x-40: a) Slowly come to the realization that you have wasted your potential and your youth and that mediocrity is your ceiling and begin to get your shit together OR b) deny that fact and continue acting like a (now much larger) douchebag. If a), then (1): settle on a spouse and for soul-crushing work to support your budding family. If b), then (2): repeat Ages 18-2x, only now with less hair (where it should be), more weight (where it shouldn’t be) and much more pathetically (***Researchers note: choosing b) does not help someone to escape the inevitability of [the effects of] (1)***)
Ages 40-65: Watch as your children (and then grandchildren) follow in your footsteps of ages 0-40 and make the exact same mistakes that you did, because they are, after all, products of your retarded gene pool. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.
Ages 65+: Pine for your youth again while a) Bestowing your wisdom on life’s harsh lessons to young people who don’t listen OR b) Telling tales about your younger and ‘wilder’ days which creep out younger people. Craft your hobbies such as collecting, gardening, or traveling to the point of obsession. Resume bad habits and pick up new ones such as: walking around naked in the gym, yelling across the room at people to complete menial tasks and possibly even take up excessive cursing or saying racist and/or outright outlandish things because nobody hassles old people. Develop a fondness for Jay Leno, CBS sitcoms and a rather distinct and pungent odor. Keep death in your rolodex (and not your iPhone, because that’s for young ‘uns and whipper-snappers!)
DEATH: It smiles at us all… so you might as well try to make it laugh, too by telling a stupid joke while you’re still alive.
Ages 0-17: Dream, hope and imagine at all times. Blame all failures and shortcomings on parents and peers. Get away with things because ‘you don’t know any better’. Use feeble mind and short attention span to dictate consumerism and pop culture. Possibly develop rational thought(s).
Ages 18-2x: Live ‘wild’ and ‘free’. Boredom is the enemy. Fun is the weapon used to combat it. Avoid accountability. Openly tempt fate and mock death. Share in idealism by honestly believing that whatever you are doing is universally significant. Deny the existence of mistakes with the catch-all excuse of youth. If unlucky, fall into [some form of] responsibility. Have at least one pregnancy scare (***Researchers note: If living near or under the poverty line, have at least one child***). Kill a minimum of 25% of brain cells through the use of drugs, alcohol and reality TV.
Ages 2x-40: a) Slowly come to the realization that you have wasted your potential and your youth and that mediocrity is your ceiling and begin to get your shit together OR b) deny that fact and continue acting like a (now much larger) douchebag. If a), then (1): settle on a spouse and for soul-crushing work to support your budding family. If b), then (2): repeat Ages 18-2x, only now with less hair (where it should be), more weight (where it shouldn’t be) and much more pathetically (***Researchers note: choosing b) does not help someone to escape the inevitability of [the effects of] (1)***)
Ages 40-65: Watch as your children (and then grandchildren) follow in your footsteps of ages 0-40 and make the exact same mistakes that you did, because they are, after all, products of your retarded gene pool. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.
Ages 65+: Pine for your youth again while a) Bestowing your wisdom on life’s harsh lessons to young people who don’t listen OR b) Telling tales about your younger and ‘wilder’ days which creep out younger people. Craft your hobbies such as collecting, gardening, or traveling to the point of obsession. Resume bad habits and pick up new ones such as: walking around naked in the gym, yelling across the room at people to complete menial tasks and possibly even take up excessive cursing or saying racist and/or outright outlandish things because nobody hassles old people. Develop a fondness for Jay Leno, CBS sitcoms and a rather distinct and pungent odor. Keep death in your rolodex (and not your iPhone, because that’s for young ‘uns and whipper-snappers!)
DEATH: It smiles at us all… so you might as well try to make it laugh, too by telling a stupid joke while you’re still alive.
