The Joke Thread

[camble.com]

Not sure if this has been done before but here goes

Got a joke that your dying to share?, fancy pitting your wits to the Global TMF Community?, then post your wise cracks here and lets bring out the humour in you. I.ll start things off.....Ahem:

Pastor John Flapps sees a lady church member gettin drunk in a pub.
He tries to take her home but they fall & he ends up on top of her.
The landlord shouts "Oi mate you can't do that in here!"
Rev replies "You don't understand, I'm Pastor Flapps". Landlord says "Oh well, if you're that far in... you may as well finish!"

 

[ticklishdanny]

lol
A man walks into a bar with a giraffe, after a few drinks he gets up to leave and knocks the giraffe over. The bartender says "Yo! You can't leave that lyin' there!" The man replies "That's not a lion, that's a giraffe..." 🙂

 

[Raytheon]

The head of the Somali Olympic squad has apologised to officials on behalf of their team after realising that shooting and sailing were two separate events.

 

[Raytheon]

I really enjoyed the Olympics opening ceremony, especially how it told the history of Great Britain.

My favorite bit was the parade with all the different countries we've conquered.

 

[Raytheon]

If Tom Daley's dad is going to feel let down because his son came fourth in the Olympic diving...

Just wait until he finds out he's gay.

 

[jhop220]

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

 

[jhop220]

Here are some good one-liners:

Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

Last night I was with a feminist. What an asshole. And her tits weren't bad, either.

I went to a doctor, all he did was suck blood from my neck. Don't go see Dr. Acula.

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said "no, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah."

I had a paper route when I was a kid, I was a paper boy. I was supposed to go to 2,000 houses... or 2 dumpsters!

Old Mother Hubbard went to her cupboard
To get her old dog a bone
And when she bent over, Rover took over!
She got a bone of her own.

 

[TicklishRocker]

This guy's mother-in-law comes to live with him, she's been living with him for about a week and he comes home and she's just laying on the floor.
So he calls 911 an ambulance comes and gets her, they take her to the hospital. Well a few minutes later the guy's sitting in the waiting room and the doctor comes out and he says
"I got some good news and I got some bad news" the guy says "ok give me the bad news first." Doctor says "ok" he says "well she's not gonna die, she's had a massive stroke, but she's probably gonna live another 20 or 30 years the problem is, this thing has rendered her unable to speak she just makes this horrible screeching sound like a parrot, he said it's also rendered her unable to use her arms you're gonna have to feed her baby food 2 or 3 times a day. He said "it's also rendered her incontinent so you're gonna have to change her diapers for the next 20 or 30 years" and the guy says "oh my God" he said "what's the good news?" The doctor says "Haha I'm just kidding with ya she died!" XD

 

[manga_geek13]

A guy was on his way to pick up his girlfriend for prom, but first, he had to go get his tux. He got to the store and there was a huge line... So he waited. Once he got his tux, he went to get his gf some flowers. When he got to the florist there was another huge line... So he waited. Lastly, he went to get her some chocolates but once again waited in a very long line. He finally went to his gf's house and they went to prom. When they got there, his gf asked, "Hon, can you go get me some punch?" He of course replied "Yes." When he got to the table where they were serving punch, there was no punchline.