Hi! These are what I wrote before tickling. Now these are a couple of years old, but you'll like them. If you are interested in this story my new group will give you more.
Thank you!
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/thestories/
TRUE STAR WARS:
In a galaxy far, far, far, far away… Hmm, hmm, hmmm, hmmm! Luke Skywalker and his bitch Obi Wan travel the galaxy to rescue the princess Bun head, from the evil Darth Vader, king of the bucket heads. Together Luke and Obi battle the forces of not niceness! And learn the meaning of love!
“Luke, use the force!” Obi said. “Yes master.” Luke said, as he grunted and a large poo pie fell from his bun-hole. Luke smiled as the vision of his master disappeared and he could freely shit. The bathroom he sat in was a huge tiled room, and on each side of the wall hung a picture of Princess Bun Head.
Somehow she used to be a porn star before her sister, Princess Bun Head the first keeled over and exploded, and she took three galactic cruisers out with her! Than she died. Luke sniffed; his papa was on one of the cruisers. A tear trickled down his cheek, Luke was about to wipe when buzzards ran through the toilet.
Luke activated the transportermagnifer array and was beamed to the hull. Standing with his pants around his ankles Luke sat next to Obi Wan. “What’s going on?” Luke asked concerned. “All my children’s on! And I miss my puppy…” Obi trailed off. Luke sat there a moment trying to think of something to say that might make his master feel better.
“Luke, do you feel that?” Obi said, perking up. “A great disturbance in the force.” Obi concluded. Luke looked down and saw he had a boner. “Oh, sorry master.” Luke said, giving his penis the old up and chuck. “Not that! Something else.” Obi said. “Something bigger!”
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“I will never tell you were it is!” Princess Bun head, said. “Oh I think you will!” Darth Vader said turning towards a laser beam control panel. “This laser beam is called, Destruction maker o’ matic!” Darth said. “Oh my!” Bun head said. “If you do not tell me where the rebels are hiding I will blow up a planet!” Darth Vader said.
“Oh my!” Bun head said, slapping her hands on the sides of her face. “Yes! Now tell me!” Vader demanded. “Never, never! Not even if you blow up your home planet Naboo!” Bun head said. “We will see about that!” Vader said, as he activated the laser beam. “Aim for Naboo!” Vader demanded.
“Sir, it’s a trick.” One of his, German slave people said. “Head pops off!” Vader said, as he squeezed his hand together and the guy’s head popped off. “Now fire on Naboo!” Vader demanded. The beam fired and hit his planet and exploded. Vader turned to Bun head laughing. “Any more home planets?” He asked.
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Obi sighed and began to cry. “What’s wrong master?” Luke asked. “It seemed a million voices were crying and suddenly they stopped.” Obi said. Luke starred around the ships hull. “You bull-shiting me again?” Luke asked, wondering if he was being tested. “Maybe I don’t know.” Obi said.
“Oh dreary, dreary day!” 3PO said, as he scooted in followed by a dome shaped android, CPO. “What’s wrong?” Luke asked. “CPO, the dumb robot is charging me for a good time!” 3PO said. “Now, CPO we’ve talked about this.” Luke said. “Beep, beep, whirl, beep!” CPO protested. “Don’t fuck with me!” Luke screamed.
CPO beeped in sadness and turned and rolled into the bedroom. “And you’re wearing the saddle this time.” 3PO said, as he followed. Luke sat down. “You seemed troubled.” Obi said. “Well Ben.” Luke began. “Call me master.” Obi said. “Master, 3PO is charging a lot of credits to get a dick yank and we shouldn’t have to pay!” Luke said.
Obi scratched his chin. “True, but like I always say…” Obi was cut off. “Let the force be with you.” Luke finished, rolling his eyes. “You know, the force does shit for me.” Luke said. “Do you know where the force is?” Obi asked. “Where’s the force? Fuck the force!” Luke screamed in outrage.
Obi put his hands over his face and started to cry. Luke rocked in his seat as the man balled like a baby. “Listen I’m sorry.” Luke said. “You hate me!” Obi screamed as he jumped up and ran into the bedroom with CPO and 3PO. Luke sat in silence for a while when he heard a voice.
“Use force you must!” Luke perked up. From the rafters Yoda landed in the seat Obi was in. “You speak harshly of the force, yes!” Yoda said. “I just can’t see it!” Luke screamed. “Yes, the force is not a physical thing.” Yoda said. “What else can’t you see?” Yoda asked. “My forehead.” Luke said.
“You talk many truths, but many truths you do not speak of, you do.” Yoda said. “Like what?” Luke asked. “Like the dark side!” Yoda said. “I’ve heard this nursery rime.” Luke said. “Fear leads to hate, hate leads to violence, violence leads to the dark side!” Yoda said.
Luke nodded his head. “Isn’t the dark side, like Satan and stuff?” Luke asked. “The dark side is everything, like the non-dark side it be true!” Yoda said. “So maybe if I join half the dark side and half the good side I could be a rebel?” Luke asked. “Maybe.” Yoda said.
Obi walked out of the bedroom wearing a saddle and quickly threw it off and collapsed to his knees. “Yoda!” Obi said. “You need not worship me.” Yoda said. “I’m not I tripped.” Obi said, getting up. “Don’t you have some toilets you could be cleaning?” Obi said. “Fear leads to hate, hate leads to…” Yoda was cut off.
“Yes, yes. Bull leads to shit now get a cleaning.” Obi said. “Use the force Luke!” Yoda said as he ran to the bathroom.
Obi took his place and sniffed. “I’m sorry master.” Luke said. “I don’t want to talk to you!” Obi said. Minutes passed by when a buzzard went off. “Man your battle stations!” Obi shouted. “Master, it’s just the telephone.” Luke said, as he picked it up. “Hello?” Luke said.
“Hello?” Said the voice of his friend, Han Solo. “Hans!” Luke said, with excitement. “Shut up fag, I’m coming aboard.” Luke slammed down the phone and opened the hanger, so Han could land the Millennium Falcon inside. Soon Hans walked into the hull with his walking throw rug, Chewy.
“Hans!” Luke said, as he extended his hand, Han looked down and spat in it. “Fuck off!” He said as he sat in Luke’s seat. Luke was about to protest when he felt Chewy sniffing his crotch. Sweat trickled down Luke’s brow as Chewy began to finger at it.
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“The force is strong with this one!” Yoda said, as he plucked out a turd from the toilets abyss. He was about to drop it into his pale, when he decided to stick it in his pocket and eat it later. Yoda started to wash around the toilet when the force over took him. It was like Madonna tickling his balls.
“Dark side here be… they be…” Yoda said. Running to Yoda’s air vent, he scampered up and into his home where, he sat in a little chair made out of Luke’s condoms. “The dark side!” He said as he ran from his chair and back into the bathroom where he gathered his bucket and decided to eat the poops now.
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Luke kneed Chewy away and ran on top of a computer console when Chewy started to bark at him. “What the fuck?” Han said, as he glared at Luke. “Stop teasing Chewy!” He said, pointing at him. Chewy however was urinating on the carpet. “Oh shit! I just washed that!” Obi said.
Suddenly the ship stopped and sent Luke flying to the ground. That’s when they saw it, the Dead Star! Luke began to rock back and fourth, tears draining down his cheeks. Obi quickly looked around and nodded, “I felt Darth Vader’s coming.” He said. “Why the fuck didn’t you tell us?” Hans asked.
“Why indeed.” Obi said. A tractor beam had ceased onto the back of the ship and was drawing us near. CPO and 3PO ran out. “Oh dreary, dreary day!” 3PO said. CPO clicked and whirled as the shadow of the Dead Star over took us and we were plunged into darkness.
CHAPTER 2:
Darth Vader walked into the cargo hanger as his storm troopers tried to open the haul of the ship. “I sense my former master, Obi.” Vader said, to the author of this story. “Maybe its just something I ate.” Vader said. The storm troopers put large pans and football helmets on as they charged the ship and bounced off.
“That never works.” Darth said, gathering his strength and using the force, Vader opened the ship easily. “Flush out the rebels!” Vader said. The storm troopers rushed in and started knocking over book and chairs, but no rebels. “Scooby dooby doo!” Vader said, “Where are you…”
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Hans, Chewy, Luke, Obi, CPO and 3PO sat in the back bedrooms, with sheets pulled over their heads. Luke and Obi were masters of hiding and Chewy and the rest were too stoned to notice. The storm trooper ran around and peed on everything. “Tinkle here, tinkle there, tinkle everywhere!” They sang. Hans bopped his head to the song.
Soon all was quite and they threw the cover off and sealed the door shut. “What do we do?” 3PO asked. Luke began to pace. “We have to cut off the tractor beams power.” Hans said. “Growl!” Chewy said. “Yeah, that reminds me of a song!” Luke said. Everyone lined up with their shoulders touching. As piano music began to play.
Luke and Obi bent down, and as they came up the rest went down. “The thing about the dark side is… death!” Luke did a solo dance when the storm troopers ran in aiming their weapons. “Freeze rebels!” They screamed. Luke drew out his light saber and tossed it at them. As the sword sailed through the air it sliced through them and went through the ground and out of the ship and into the Dead star where Darth Vader cot it.
“Swift one!” Obi said as they ran out of the ship and into the dead star. Darth stood in their way holding Luke’s saber. “Look what I’ve got!” Vader said, showing the saber to them. “Yoink!” Luke said, as he grabbed the saber and ran from the large room. Obi drew his light saber and was prepared to do the dance of death.
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Luke ran through the halls of the dead star as storm troopers tried to catch up with them. Luke ducked into a room and hid behind a toilet, he could hear the pitter-patter of the storm troopers as they ran by. Luke stood and grinned, “I’m knotty…” He said, kicking the floor.
He slipped out and spotted a single storm trooper standing in the hallway. Luke focused his energy and farted, the storm trooper sniffed the air and fell over. Dead. Luke quickly took the trooper out-fit, taking his time with his plastic pants… and was soon off. He remembered CPO and his message from the princess bun-head. His memories went to the past.
“Please Obi, me and my people are in great pearl.” (Bun head is some kind of idiot…) “We need you and your man meat to save us!” She finished, up by turning around and mooning us. Luke smiled and piss dripped down his leg. “Luckily I’ll be wearing plastic pants.” Luke said, to know one in particular.
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Han and Chewy managed to get out of the room where Ben and Darth Vader were fighting with their glow sticks. As they walked down the corridor Han started to laugh. “Ruff!” Chewy said. “Down boy.” Han said. Han was thinking about the force, “that’s a load of shit.” Han would say.
Chewy was watching as the storm troopers ran by, he wanted to sniff them. Chewy grunted as everyone ran by. “Ruff!” He screamed, at them. Han shook his head, when they spotted a storm trooper standing in the middle of the corridor, “Chewy, I have an idea.” Han said.
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Luke made his way to the princess’s room where he spotted her dancing with a pole. “Must be a mating ritual.” Luke said. Coming closer, the princess spotted him and smiled. “You here for a good time?” She asked. Luke took off his helmet. “Yes ma’am… uh… I mean. I’m here to save you.” Luke said.
“About time, bro… uh… I mean Han-some storm trooper.” She said. “I’m not a storm trooper. I’m a Jedi.” Luke said, looking proud. The princess rolled her eyes, and boobs and walked forward. “Lets get out of here.” She said. Luke grabbed her arm and led her out of the room.
Storm troopers started to fire at them. Luke pushed the princess into the hall and they stopped. “Put down your guns, or I’ll kill the girl.” Luke said. The troopers obeyed, but the princess was mad. “What are you doing?” She asked, in a whisper. “Don’t fuck with me lady!” Luke screamed.
He led them down the hall and when they were out of site, the storm troopers picked up their guns and followed. “That was, stupid.” Luke said to himself. “Yes it was!” The princess said, out loud. “How did you know?” Luke asked. The princess nodded. “Yes I don’t know.” She said.
They ran down the hall until there was no more. The storm troopers were gaining on them and the only way to escape was blocked off by an elevator. Luke began to pace. “I have an idea!” Luke said. Running to the door he pushed the down up button, and the elevator opened. Luke and the princess stepped inside and pressed the third floor button.
“Brilliant!” Bun head said, pleased. Luke smiled and took out his light saber and dropped it, on the ground. Luke bent down to pick it up making sure his ass was facing the princess. And lightly as an angle, he farted. The princess sniffed the air and smiled. “Enchanting!” She said.
When the elevator stopped, Luke pushed the princess into the corridor. So the laser fire would be brought away from him. To his relief no one was there. The princess by this time was looking pissed, but Luke didn’t notice. The corridor was large and would have looked exactly like a Burger King, if it not for the urinals.
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Han had been handcuffed, and Chewy dressed in the now dead storm troopers plastic gear. All was going as planed. Chewy led Han to a group of storm troopers. They were playing bingo. “Ruff!” Chewy said. The storm troopers stood and saluted. Hans looked up at him and was amazed. Even though some of Chewy’s fur was showing, and the helmet fit on top of Chewy’s head instead of over it. He looked like a general.
Chewy saluted back and shoved Hans forward. The storm troopers reached for Hans, but he reacted too soon. He grabbed them and kicked them in the balls. After giving them all tity twisters, Hans took off the cuffs and grabbed their weapons. Soccer boppers and a tennis net, “Advanced.” Hans said.
Chewy peed himself as Hans helped him take off the uniform he wore. “We have to destroy the power capsules, than destroy the tractor beam power cells, and than make our way to the Falcon. Hans said. Chewy barked and began to pant. “Good boy!” Hans said as he scratched behind Chewy’s ear.
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After Yoda was done with his meal. He stood stretched and ran out of the bathroom to warn the others. However Yoda was met with a different sight. Storm troopers were playing twister in the hull of the ship. If Luke and Obi, were planning to take off they would need these guys off the ship.
“Troubling, yes…” Yoda said. The storm troopers heard Yoda and started to fire rocks at him, but using the force Yoda forced the rocks back to were they came. Soon the storm troopers laid on the ground, knocked out. “Now to prepare!” Yoda said, as he picked up the bodies with the force and carried them to the war room.
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Luke and the princess hung by a tow cable over top of a huge, power cell. Hans and Chewy that they needed to destroy it sent them a message. Luke activated a small grenade, as the princess held her head. Drugs and hanging upside down were a dangerous combination. Luke dropped the grenade.
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Hans threw a grenade into the tractor beam conduit and the explosion disrupted the beam and deactivated the power to most of the upper decks of the dead star. After a moment there was another explosion and all the lights in the ship shut off. Hans stood and ran out of the room, followed by Chewy.
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Obi wielded his light saber and hit Darth’s. Ducking down as Darth saber flew overhead, and struck his saber again. Obi wielded his light saber and hit Darth’s. Ducking down as Darth saber flew overhead, and struck his saber again. Obi wielded his light saber and hit Darth’s. Ducking down as Darth saber flew overhead, and struck his saber again.
Luke, Hans, Chewy, and some bitch ran into the room as storm troopers opened fire, however the Falcon turned and started to fire missiles. One landed in front of Luke and saw it wasn’t a missile! It was a dead storm trooper! Luke spotted Yoda firing the bodies rapidly and the live storm troopers exploded.
The group ran towards the Falcon and Luke spotted Obi and Darth Vader. Luke drew his own light saber and flipped over Darth and ran into the Falcon. The rest followed. Obi turned to run, but Darth cut through him and Obi disappeared. Leaving his clothes behind. “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” Luke screamed like a little girl as the Falcon rose, out of the main ship Luke and Obi owned.
Holes were penetrating Luke’s ship so that’s why he was forced to abandon it. Han took control of the ship and pointed Yoda towards the bathroom. “There’s a crapper with your name on it!” Han said. Yoda sighed and walked towards it. Han opened fire, and to make a long story short made it out of the dead star.
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Vader stood on the walkway deactivating his light saber. “Poo…” Vader said, in disgust. Putting the saber away he walked down the walkway and pulled out a communicator. “General Hammond, start repairs on the dead star and head for the alpha zone.” Vader said. “Alpha what?” The general asked. “Head pops off!” Vader screamed squeezing his hand together.
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Luke sat in the bathroom, as voices filled the hull. Yoda wouldn’t leave until he washed his name off the toilet and the fact that Luke was using it made the situation even more uncomfortable. “The last thing I said to him was… I DON’T REMEMBER!” Luke balled.
Yoda shook his head. “Yes, it would have been better if you said… you are my best friend, or something like that.” Yoda said. Luke sighed. “But, the dark side!” Yoda screamed. “I will have my revenge on Darth Vader!” Luke screamed. Tears trickled down his cheeks.
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Hans stood kicking the life support mechanism as the princess walked about. “I need a royal ass wiping!” She said. Han turned towards her and was about to give her a millennium beat down. “Will you shut the fuck up?!” He screamed. The princess narrowed her eyes, and began to pout.
Han rolled his eyes and turned back towards the life support. “Don’t ignore me!” Bun head said. Han turned back towards her and grabbed her shoulders. “SHUT UP!” He screamed, and pulled her closer. He started to kiss her on the lips. Bun head tried to fight him off, but stopped when he held up a five-dollar bill. She grabbed it and stuffed it in her back pocket.
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Chewy, 3PO and CPO stood in the middle of the bridge trying to figure out what they needed to repair first. Smoke bellowed out of all the consoles and, sparks shot up everywhere. 3PO scooted around the bridge shaking his head. “No, no, no this will not do!” He said.
Chewy barked and 3PO turned to face him. “Don’t you throw an attitude at me, you dumb dog!” He said. Chewy walked forward grabbed 3PO’s arm, and ripped it off. “Oh my!” 3PO said as he fell over. Chewy walked to a console and pressed a button and the smoke was ventilated from the room.
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A couple of hours passed before Luke finally got himself composed. Back on the ship with everyone else he paced the room. “We need to fight back!” He balled. Bun head nodded and spoke up. “We need to get to my home planet, ice planet… THEY CAN HELP US!” She screamed. Luke nodded and sat in the captain’s chair.
“To ice planet!” Luke shouted. “What the fuck!” Han shouted, as he stood and nearly fell over. “This is my ship! I give the orders around here!” He said. Luke stood. “Not any more Han!” Luke screamed. Han narrowed his eyes. “I’ll kick your ass kid!” Han said. Luke swallowed hard and put up his fists. “Lets go than!” Luke said.
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The work crew on ice planet finally removed Luke’s head from the computer console and laid him on the stretcher. “Poor kid.” One of the men said. Luke rubbed his eyes and all he saw was a figure in a bright light. “God?” He whispered. “Close kid, but I’m just the janitor.” He said, helping Luke to his feet. Luke rubbed his eyes again. “What happened?” Luke asked. “I KICKED YOUR ASS!” Came the voice of Han somewhere below. Luke sighed.
“Come on kid, they need you in the war room.” The janitor said. “Where that?” Luke asked. “Over there.” The janitor pointed behind him and there sat a table with a single man sitting in a chair. Luke walked over to the man. “This is the war room?” Luke asked. “More like the war table.” The man laughed.
Luke smiled a bit and sat on the ground. “So tell me…” The man began, “was my joke funny?” He asked. Luke was surprised, “uh… a bit.” He said. The man’s lower lip began to quiver. “I’m funny…” The man put his hands over his face and began to cry. “TODAY I LIVE!” He screamed.
Luke fell backwards as the man handed him a piece of paper. “This is the dead star’s only outside weakness.” He said pointing to a large shaft. “You and several pilots will fly X-wings into the section and fire two, count them on my fingers, two photon missiles.” He said.
Luke stood and nodded. “Good luck son!” The man also stood and saluted. “One thing… I’ve never flown an F-wing before.” Luke said. “Don’t worry about it, most of the pilots that are going up with you are bums and hobos.” The man said. Luke smiled and felt better about his mission.
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Luke pulled on his joystick and than decided to grab the steering wheel and turn the X-wing to the left, to avoid a missile. Luke sighed and dipped the X-wing into the alcove of the dead star and began to dodge support beams. Two other X-wings were behind him. “I’ve got your back flaming dog!” The X-wing pilot named shrinky dinks.
Luke was about to cuss him out when a shit load of X-fighters dropped behind them. “Looks like the Calvary showed up!” Shrinky dinks said. Luke rolled his eyes and continued his pursuit. Lasers blasted against the dead star as the X-wing pilots dodged them.
“Bring it on, cat walker, hot dog, flaming monkey.” Shrinky dinks said, suddenly his right wing cot on fire. “Hey maybe we should have gotten closer to the shaft…” He said, when it exploded. Luke did a silent prayer thanking Satan, when he felt a cramp in his stomach. It was either the force or diarrhea.
“I’m coming for you Luke!” Darth said. “I don’t think so!” Luke said, pressing a button. A small missile pod opened and a rock fell out and hit the X-fighter Darth was driving and the front exploded. Darth shook his fists as he drifted into space. Luke spotted the shaft and fired his missiles.
Nothing happed at first, except the large explosion that knocked all the X-wings away from the dead star. Back on ice planet Luke said bye to Han, who put Luke’s head into another computer screen and than left with chewy. Luke however knew it wasn’t the last time he would meet Darth, he knew he was coming back… two more sequels and some prequels.
TO BE CONTINUED!
Thank you!
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/thestories/
TRUE STAR WARS:
In a galaxy far, far, far, far away… Hmm, hmm, hmmm, hmmm! Luke Skywalker and his bitch Obi Wan travel the galaxy to rescue the princess Bun head, from the evil Darth Vader, king of the bucket heads. Together Luke and Obi battle the forces of not niceness! And learn the meaning of love!
“Luke, use the force!” Obi said. “Yes master.” Luke said, as he grunted and a large poo pie fell from his bun-hole. Luke smiled as the vision of his master disappeared and he could freely shit. The bathroom he sat in was a huge tiled room, and on each side of the wall hung a picture of Princess Bun Head.
Somehow she used to be a porn star before her sister, Princess Bun Head the first keeled over and exploded, and she took three galactic cruisers out with her! Than she died. Luke sniffed; his papa was on one of the cruisers. A tear trickled down his cheek, Luke was about to wipe when buzzards ran through the toilet.
Luke activated the transportermagnifer array and was beamed to the hull. Standing with his pants around his ankles Luke sat next to Obi Wan. “What’s going on?” Luke asked concerned. “All my children’s on! And I miss my puppy…” Obi trailed off. Luke sat there a moment trying to think of something to say that might make his master feel better.
“Luke, do you feel that?” Obi said, perking up. “A great disturbance in the force.” Obi concluded. Luke looked down and saw he had a boner. “Oh, sorry master.” Luke said, giving his penis the old up and chuck. “Not that! Something else.” Obi said. “Something bigger!”
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“I will never tell you were it is!” Princess Bun head, said. “Oh I think you will!” Darth Vader said turning towards a laser beam control panel. “This laser beam is called, Destruction maker o’ matic!” Darth said. “Oh my!” Bun head said. “If you do not tell me where the rebels are hiding I will blow up a planet!” Darth Vader said.
“Oh my!” Bun head said, slapping her hands on the sides of her face. “Yes! Now tell me!” Vader demanded. “Never, never! Not even if you blow up your home planet Naboo!” Bun head said. “We will see about that!” Vader said, as he activated the laser beam. “Aim for Naboo!” Vader demanded.
“Sir, it’s a trick.” One of his, German slave people said. “Head pops off!” Vader said, as he squeezed his hand together and the guy’s head popped off. “Now fire on Naboo!” Vader demanded. The beam fired and hit his planet and exploded. Vader turned to Bun head laughing. “Any more home planets?” He asked.
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Obi sighed and began to cry. “What’s wrong master?” Luke asked. “It seemed a million voices were crying and suddenly they stopped.” Obi said. Luke starred around the ships hull. “You bull-shiting me again?” Luke asked, wondering if he was being tested. “Maybe I don’t know.” Obi said.
“Oh dreary, dreary day!” 3PO said, as he scooted in followed by a dome shaped android, CPO. “What’s wrong?” Luke asked. “CPO, the dumb robot is charging me for a good time!” 3PO said. “Now, CPO we’ve talked about this.” Luke said. “Beep, beep, whirl, beep!” CPO protested. “Don’t fuck with me!” Luke screamed.
CPO beeped in sadness and turned and rolled into the bedroom. “And you’re wearing the saddle this time.” 3PO said, as he followed. Luke sat down. “You seemed troubled.” Obi said. “Well Ben.” Luke began. “Call me master.” Obi said. “Master, 3PO is charging a lot of credits to get a dick yank and we shouldn’t have to pay!” Luke said.
Obi scratched his chin. “True, but like I always say…” Obi was cut off. “Let the force be with you.” Luke finished, rolling his eyes. “You know, the force does shit for me.” Luke said. “Do you know where the force is?” Obi asked. “Where’s the force? Fuck the force!” Luke screamed in outrage.
Obi put his hands over his face and started to cry. Luke rocked in his seat as the man balled like a baby. “Listen I’m sorry.” Luke said. “You hate me!” Obi screamed as he jumped up and ran into the bedroom with CPO and 3PO. Luke sat in silence for a while when he heard a voice.
“Use force you must!” Luke perked up. From the rafters Yoda landed in the seat Obi was in. “You speak harshly of the force, yes!” Yoda said. “I just can’t see it!” Luke screamed. “Yes, the force is not a physical thing.” Yoda said. “What else can’t you see?” Yoda asked. “My forehead.” Luke said.
“You talk many truths, but many truths you do not speak of, you do.” Yoda said. “Like what?” Luke asked. “Like the dark side!” Yoda said. “I’ve heard this nursery rime.” Luke said. “Fear leads to hate, hate leads to violence, violence leads to the dark side!” Yoda said.
Luke nodded his head. “Isn’t the dark side, like Satan and stuff?” Luke asked. “The dark side is everything, like the non-dark side it be true!” Yoda said. “So maybe if I join half the dark side and half the good side I could be a rebel?” Luke asked. “Maybe.” Yoda said.
Obi walked out of the bedroom wearing a saddle and quickly threw it off and collapsed to his knees. “Yoda!” Obi said. “You need not worship me.” Yoda said. “I’m not I tripped.” Obi said, getting up. “Don’t you have some toilets you could be cleaning?” Obi said. “Fear leads to hate, hate leads to…” Yoda was cut off.
“Yes, yes. Bull leads to shit now get a cleaning.” Obi said. “Use the force Luke!” Yoda said as he ran to the bathroom.
Obi took his place and sniffed. “I’m sorry master.” Luke said. “I don’t want to talk to you!” Obi said. Minutes passed by when a buzzard went off. “Man your battle stations!” Obi shouted. “Master, it’s just the telephone.” Luke said, as he picked it up. “Hello?” Luke said.
“Hello?” Said the voice of his friend, Han Solo. “Hans!” Luke said, with excitement. “Shut up fag, I’m coming aboard.” Luke slammed down the phone and opened the hanger, so Han could land the Millennium Falcon inside. Soon Hans walked into the hull with his walking throw rug, Chewy.
“Hans!” Luke said, as he extended his hand, Han looked down and spat in it. “Fuck off!” He said as he sat in Luke’s seat. Luke was about to protest when he felt Chewy sniffing his crotch. Sweat trickled down Luke’s brow as Chewy began to finger at it.
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“The force is strong with this one!” Yoda said, as he plucked out a turd from the toilets abyss. He was about to drop it into his pale, when he decided to stick it in his pocket and eat it later. Yoda started to wash around the toilet when the force over took him. It was like Madonna tickling his balls.
“Dark side here be… they be…” Yoda said. Running to Yoda’s air vent, he scampered up and into his home where, he sat in a little chair made out of Luke’s condoms. “The dark side!” He said as he ran from his chair and back into the bathroom where he gathered his bucket and decided to eat the poops now.
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Luke kneed Chewy away and ran on top of a computer console when Chewy started to bark at him. “What the fuck?” Han said, as he glared at Luke. “Stop teasing Chewy!” He said, pointing at him. Chewy however was urinating on the carpet. “Oh shit! I just washed that!” Obi said.
Suddenly the ship stopped and sent Luke flying to the ground. That’s when they saw it, the Dead Star! Luke began to rock back and fourth, tears draining down his cheeks. Obi quickly looked around and nodded, “I felt Darth Vader’s coming.” He said. “Why the fuck didn’t you tell us?” Hans asked.
“Why indeed.” Obi said. A tractor beam had ceased onto the back of the ship and was drawing us near. CPO and 3PO ran out. “Oh dreary, dreary day!” 3PO said. CPO clicked and whirled as the shadow of the Dead Star over took us and we were plunged into darkness.
CHAPTER 2:
Darth Vader walked into the cargo hanger as his storm troopers tried to open the haul of the ship. “I sense my former master, Obi.” Vader said, to the author of this story. “Maybe its just something I ate.” Vader said. The storm troopers put large pans and football helmets on as they charged the ship and bounced off.
“That never works.” Darth said, gathering his strength and using the force, Vader opened the ship easily. “Flush out the rebels!” Vader said. The storm troopers rushed in and started knocking over book and chairs, but no rebels. “Scooby dooby doo!” Vader said, “Where are you…”
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Hans, Chewy, Luke, Obi, CPO and 3PO sat in the back bedrooms, with sheets pulled over their heads. Luke and Obi were masters of hiding and Chewy and the rest were too stoned to notice. The storm trooper ran around and peed on everything. “Tinkle here, tinkle there, tinkle everywhere!” They sang. Hans bopped his head to the song.
Soon all was quite and they threw the cover off and sealed the door shut. “What do we do?” 3PO asked. Luke began to pace. “We have to cut off the tractor beams power.” Hans said. “Growl!” Chewy said. “Yeah, that reminds me of a song!” Luke said. Everyone lined up with their shoulders touching. As piano music began to play.
Luke and Obi bent down, and as they came up the rest went down. “The thing about the dark side is… death!” Luke did a solo dance when the storm troopers ran in aiming their weapons. “Freeze rebels!” They screamed. Luke drew out his light saber and tossed it at them. As the sword sailed through the air it sliced through them and went through the ground and out of the ship and into the Dead star where Darth Vader cot it.
“Swift one!” Obi said as they ran out of the ship and into the dead star. Darth stood in their way holding Luke’s saber. “Look what I’ve got!” Vader said, showing the saber to them. “Yoink!” Luke said, as he grabbed the saber and ran from the large room. Obi drew his light saber and was prepared to do the dance of death.
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Luke ran through the halls of the dead star as storm troopers tried to catch up with them. Luke ducked into a room and hid behind a toilet, he could hear the pitter-patter of the storm troopers as they ran by. Luke stood and grinned, “I’m knotty…” He said, kicking the floor.
He slipped out and spotted a single storm trooper standing in the hallway. Luke focused his energy and farted, the storm trooper sniffed the air and fell over. Dead. Luke quickly took the trooper out-fit, taking his time with his plastic pants… and was soon off. He remembered CPO and his message from the princess bun-head. His memories went to the past.
“Please Obi, me and my people are in great pearl.” (Bun head is some kind of idiot…) “We need you and your man meat to save us!” She finished, up by turning around and mooning us. Luke smiled and piss dripped down his leg. “Luckily I’ll be wearing plastic pants.” Luke said, to know one in particular.
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Han and Chewy managed to get out of the room where Ben and Darth Vader were fighting with their glow sticks. As they walked down the corridor Han started to laugh. “Ruff!” Chewy said. “Down boy.” Han said. Han was thinking about the force, “that’s a load of shit.” Han would say.
Chewy was watching as the storm troopers ran by, he wanted to sniff them. Chewy grunted as everyone ran by. “Ruff!” He screamed, at them. Han shook his head, when they spotted a storm trooper standing in the middle of the corridor, “Chewy, I have an idea.” Han said.
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Luke made his way to the princess’s room where he spotted her dancing with a pole. “Must be a mating ritual.” Luke said. Coming closer, the princess spotted him and smiled. “You here for a good time?” She asked. Luke took off his helmet. “Yes ma’am… uh… I mean. I’m here to save you.” Luke said.
“About time, bro… uh… I mean Han-some storm trooper.” She said. “I’m not a storm trooper. I’m a Jedi.” Luke said, looking proud. The princess rolled her eyes, and boobs and walked forward. “Lets get out of here.” She said. Luke grabbed her arm and led her out of the room.
Storm troopers started to fire at them. Luke pushed the princess into the hall and they stopped. “Put down your guns, or I’ll kill the girl.” Luke said. The troopers obeyed, but the princess was mad. “What are you doing?” She asked, in a whisper. “Don’t fuck with me lady!” Luke screamed.
He led them down the hall and when they were out of site, the storm troopers picked up their guns and followed. “That was, stupid.” Luke said to himself. “Yes it was!” The princess said, out loud. “How did you know?” Luke asked. The princess nodded. “Yes I don’t know.” She said.
They ran down the hall until there was no more. The storm troopers were gaining on them and the only way to escape was blocked off by an elevator. Luke began to pace. “I have an idea!” Luke said. Running to the door he pushed the down up button, and the elevator opened. Luke and the princess stepped inside and pressed the third floor button.
“Brilliant!” Bun head said, pleased. Luke smiled and took out his light saber and dropped it, on the ground. Luke bent down to pick it up making sure his ass was facing the princess. And lightly as an angle, he farted. The princess sniffed the air and smiled. “Enchanting!” She said.
When the elevator stopped, Luke pushed the princess into the corridor. So the laser fire would be brought away from him. To his relief no one was there. The princess by this time was looking pissed, but Luke didn’t notice. The corridor was large and would have looked exactly like a Burger King, if it not for the urinals.
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Han had been handcuffed, and Chewy dressed in the now dead storm troopers plastic gear. All was going as planed. Chewy led Han to a group of storm troopers. They were playing bingo. “Ruff!” Chewy said. The storm troopers stood and saluted. Hans looked up at him and was amazed. Even though some of Chewy’s fur was showing, and the helmet fit on top of Chewy’s head instead of over it. He looked like a general.
Chewy saluted back and shoved Hans forward. The storm troopers reached for Hans, but he reacted too soon. He grabbed them and kicked them in the balls. After giving them all tity twisters, Hans took off the cuffs and grabbed their weapons. Soccer boppers and a tennis net, “Advanced.” Hans said.
Chewy peed himself as Hans helped him take off the uniform he wore. “We have to destroy the power capsules, than destroy the tractor beam power cells, and than make our way to the Falcon. Hans said. Chewy barked and began to pant. “Good boy!” Hans said as he scratched behind Chewy’s ear.
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After Yoda was done with his meal. He stood stretched and ran out of the bathroom to warn the others. However Yoda was met with a different sight. Storm troopers were playing twister in the hull of the ship. If Luke and Obi, were planning to take off they would need these guys off the ship.
“Troubling, yes…” Yoda said. The storm troopers heard Yoda and started to fire rocks at him, but using the force Yoda forced the rocks back to were they came. Soon the storm troopers laid on the ground, knocked out. “Now to prepare!” Yoda said, as he picked up the bodies with the force and carried them to the war room.
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Luke and the princess hung by a tow cable over top of a huge, power cell. Hans and Chewy that they needed to destroy it sent them a message. Luke activated a small grenade, as the princess held her head. Drugs and hanging upside down were a dangerous combination. Luke dropped the grenade.
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Hans threw a grenade into the tractor beam conduit and the explosion disrupted the beam and deactivated the power to most of the upper decks of the dead star. After a moment there was another explosion and all the lights in the ship shut off. Hans stood and ran out of the room, followed by Chewy.
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Obi wielded his light saber and hit Darth’s. Ducking down as Darth saber flew overhead, and struck his saber again. Obi wielded his light saber and hit Darth’s. Ducking down as Darth saber flew overhead, and struck his saber again. Obi wielded his light saber and hit Darth’s. Ducking down as Darth saber flew overhead, and struck his saber again.
Luke, Hans, Chewy, and some bitch ran into the room as storm troopers opened fire, however the Falcon turned and started to fire missiles. One landed in front of Luke and saw it wasn’t a missile! It was a dead storm trooper! Luke spotted Yoda firing the bodies rapidly and the live storm troopers exploded.
The group ran towards the Falcon and Luke spotted Obi and Darth Vader. Luke drew his own light saber and flipped over Darth and ran into the Falcon. The rest followed. Obi turned to run, but Darth cut through him and Obi disappeared. Leaving his clothes behind. “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” Luke screamed like a little girl as the Falcon rose, out of the main ship Luke and Obi owned.
Holes were penetrating Luke’s ship so that’s why he was forced to abandon it. Han took control of the ship and pointed Yoda towards the bathroom. “There’s a crapper with your name on it!” Han said. Yoda sighed and walked towards it. Han opened fire, and to make a long story short made it out of the dead star.
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Vader stood on the walkway deactivating his light saber. “Poo…” Vader said, in disgust. Putting the saber away he walked down the walkway and pulled out a communicator. “General Hammond, start repairs on the dead star and head for the alpha zone.” Vader said. “Alpha what?” The general asked. “Head pops off!” Vader screamed squeezing his hand together.
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Luke sat in the bathroom, as voices filled the hull. Yoda wouldn’t leave until he washed his name off the toilet and the fact that Luke was using it made the situation even more uncomfortable. “The last thing I said to him was… I DON’T REMEMBER!” Luke balled.
Yoda shook his head. “Yes, it would have been better if you said… you are my best friend, or something like that.” Yoda said. Luke sighed. “But, the dark side!” Yoda screamed. “I will have my revenge on Darth Vader!” Luke screamed. Tears trickled down his cheeks.
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Hans stood kicking the life support mechanism as the princess walked about. “I need a royal ass wiping!” She said. Han turned towards her and was about to give her a millennium beat down. “Will you shut the fuck up?!” He screamed. The princess narrowed her eyes, and began to pout.
Han rolled his eyes and turned back towards the life support. “Don’t ignore me!” Bun head said. Han turned back towards her and grabbed her shoulders. “SHUT UP!” He screamed, and pulled her closer. He started to kiss her on the lips. Bun head tried to fight him off, but stopped when he held up a five-dollar bill. She grabbed it and stuffed it in her back pocket.
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Chewy, 3PO and CPO stood in the middle of the bridge trying to figure out what they needed to repair first. Smoke bellowed out of all the consoles and, sparks shot up everywhere. 3PO scooted around the bridge shaking his head. “No, no, no this will not do!” He said.
Chewy barked and 3PO turned to face him. “Don’t you throw an attitude at me, you dumb dog!” He said. Chewy walked forward grabbed 3PO’s arm, and ripped it off. “Oh my!” 3PO said as he fell over. Chewy walked to a console and pressed a button and the smoke was ventilated from the room.
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A couple of hours passed before Luke finally got himself composed. Back on the ship with everyone else he paced the room. “We need to fight back!” He balled. Bun head nodded and spoke up. “We need to get to my home planet, ice planet… THEY CAN HELP US!” She screamed. Luke nodded and sat in the captain’s chair.
“To ice planet!” Luke shouted. “What the fuck!” Han shouted, as he stood and nearly fell over. “This is my ship! I give the orders around here!” He said. Luke stood. “Not any more Han!” Luke screamed. Han narrowed his eyes. “I’ll kick your ass kid!” Han said. Luke swallowed hard and put up his fists. “Lets go than!” Luke said.
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The work crew on ice planet finally removed Luke’s head from the computer console and laid him on the stretcher. “Poor kid.” One of the men said. Luke rubbed his eyes and all he saw was a figure in a bright light. “God?” He whispered. “Close kid, but I’m just the janitor.” He said, helping Luke to his feet. Luke rubbed his eyes again. “What happened?” Luke asked. “I KICKED YOUR ASS!” Came the voice of Han somewhere below. Luke sighed.
“Come on kid, they need you in the war room.” The janitor said. “Where that?” Luke asked. “Over there.” The janitor pointed behind him and there sat a table with a single man sitting in a chair. Luke walked over to the man. “This is the war room?” Luke asked. “More like the war table.” The man laughed.
Luke smiled a bit and sat on the ground. “So tell me…” The man began, “was my joke funny?” He asked. Luke was surprised, “uh… a bit.” He said. The man’s lower lip began to quiver. “I’m funny…” The man put his hands over his face and began to cry. “TODAY I LIVE!” He screamed.
Luke fell backwards as the man handed him a piece of paper. “This is the dead star’s only outside weakness.” He said pointing to a large shaft. “You and several pilots will fly X-wings into the section and fire two, count them on my fingers, two photon missiles.” He said.
Luke stood and nodded. “Good luck son!” The man also stood and saluted. “One thing… I’ve never flown an F-wing before.” Luke said. “Don’t worry about it, most of the pilots that are going up with you are bums and hobos.” The man said. Luke smiled and felt better about his mission.
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Luke pulled on his joystick and than decided to grab the steering wheel and turn the X-wing to the left, to avoid a missile. Luke sighed and dipped the X-wing into the alcove of the dead star and began to dodge support beams. Two other X-wings were behind him. “I’ve got your back flaming dog!” The X-wing pilot named shrinky dinks.
Luke was about to cuss him out when a shit load of X-fighters dropped behind them. “Looks like the Calvary showed up!” Shrinky dinks said. Luke rolled his eyes and continued his pursuit. Lasers blasted against the dead star as the X-wing pilots dodged them.
“Bring it on, cat walker, hot dog, flaming monkey.” Shrinky dinks said, suddenly his right wing cot on fire. “Hey maybe we should have gotten closer to the shaft…” He said, when it exploded. Luke did a silent prayer thanking Satan, when he felt a cramp in his stomach. It was either the force or diarrhea.
“I’m coming for you Luke!” Darth said. “I don’t think so!” Luke said, pressing a button. A small missile pod opened and a rock fell out and hit the X-fighter Darth was driving and the front exploded. Darth shook his fists as he drifted into space. Luke spotted the shaft and fired his missiles.
Nothing happed at first, except the large explosion that knocked all the X-wings away from the dead star. Back on ice planet Luke said bye to Han, who put Luke’s head into another computer screen and than left with chewy. Luke however knew it wasn’t the last time he would meet Darth, he knew he was coming back… two more sequels and some prequels.
TO BE CONTINUED!
