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The Strelnikov Diet

Strelnikov

4th Level Red Feather
Joined
May 7, 2001
Messages
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All of you other fatso's out there, I've finally come up with a diet that I can stick with.

As we all know, it takes 1 calorie to heat 1 gram of water 1 degree centigrade. Translated into meaningful terms, this means that if you eat a very cold dessert (generally consisting of water in large part), the natural processes which raise the consumed dessert to body temperature during the digestive cycle literally sucks the calories out of the only available source, your body fat.

For example, a dessert served and eaten at near 0 degrees C (32.2 degrees F) will, in a short time, be raised to the normal body temperature of 37 degrees C (98.6 degrees F). For each gram of dessert eaten, that process takes approximately 37 calories as stated above. The average dessert portion is 6 oz, or 168 grams. Therefore, by operation of thermodynamic law, 6,216 calories (1 cal./gm/deg. x 37 deg. x 168 g) are extracted from body fat as the dessert's temperature is normalized. Allowing for the 1,200 latent calories in the dessert, the net calorie loss is approximately 5,000 calories. Obviously, the more cold dessert you eat, the better off you are and the faster you will lose weight, if that is your goal.

This process works equally well when drinking very cold beer in frosted glasses. Each ounce of beer contains 16 latent calories, but extracts 1,036 calories (6,216 cal. per 6 oz. portion) in the temperature normalizing process. Thus, the net calorie loss per ounce of beer is 1,020 calories. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to calculate that 12,240 calories (12 oz. x 1,020 cal./oz.) are extracted from the body in the process of drinking a can of beer.

Frozen desserts, e.g., ice cream, are even more beneficial, since it takes 83 cal./gm to melt them (i.e., raise them to 0 deg. C) and an additional 37 cal./gm to further raise them to body temperature. The results here are really remarkable, and it beats running hands down.

Unfortunately, for those who eat pizza as an excuse to drink beer, pizza (loaded with latent calories and served above body temperature) induces an opposite effect. But, thankfully, as the astute reader should have already reasoned, the obvious solution is to drink a lot of beer with pizza and follow up immediately with large bowls of ice cream.

We could all be thin if we were to adhere religiously to a pizza, beer, and ice cream diet.


Strelnikov
 
Math...

According to your theory, I now should weigh negative 73 pounds and have floated into a low orbit... thanx for the chuckle, Lazarus...err.."Strel". 🙂 Q
 
I think I've got it...what I've been doing wrong is eating the pizza too hot and not following up with enough ice cream.

Hmmmmmmmmmm....time to get to work on this.
 
Lazarus?

Well, maybe. I'll know in another 3,950 years.

We all know that every cigarette you smoke shortens your life by 7 minutes. By that count, I should have been dead 20 years ago. OTOH, drinking one beer a day adds 7 years to your life. I drink LOTS more than that, so it cancels out. Hell, I CAN'T quit drinking - it's the only thing keeping me alive!

Strelnikov
 
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