Alex Warfield
TMF Master
- Joined
- Oct 25, 2001
- Messages
- 626
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Here I share amusing jokes. Some you may have heard, others you may have not. Let's begin:
Two friends meet each other on the street. "Hello! Where are you coming from?" asked Bill. "Oh, don't ask me!" Replied Sid, "I'm coming from the cemetary. I just buried my mother-in-law." Bill is visibly saddened to hear the news. "I'm so sorry my friend, but....Hey! Why is your face all scratched up?" "It wasn't so easy!" said Sid. "She put up a hell of a fight!"
What's the difference between an aerobics instructor and a torturer? The torturer would apologize first!
Drinking and driving is terrible....You always spill your beer when you change gears!
A man visits the doctor. The doctor says, "I have bad news for you. You have Cancer and Alzheimers disease." The man replies, "Well, thank God I don't have Alzheimers disease!"
Any woman that thinks the way to a man's heart is through his stomach is aiming a little too high.
A husband says to his wife: "Get your coat on, love. It's time to go down to the pub!" She replies, "But...You NEVER take me out!" The man shrugs. "I'm not, but I'm turning the heat off before I go."
A man went to a ***** house one evening. He had no arms and no legs. When the Madam answered the door, she asked what he wanted. He grins and says "I want me a lady!" She scoffed at him, "You have no arms and no legs, what can you do?" With that, he replied: "Ey! I rang the bell, didn't I?"
A little boy walks in on his parents during a "romantic session" and asks if he can hop on his daddy's back. The father doesn't see any harm, so he agrees, and they continue. When things really started to heat up, the little boy leaned down and whispered in his father's ear: "Hold on tight, daddy! This is where me and the postman usually get bucked off!"
Two gentlemen were changing in the locker room after a game of tennis. One notices the other is putting on a pair of stockings and suspenders. He says "When in bloody hell did you start wearing stuff like that?!?" To which the other man replied, "Since my wife found a pair on the back seat of the car."
Incest. A game the whole family can play.
The lovers passionately embraced on her bed, their bodies fused together as they gyrated to their own tattoo. The woman cocked her ear and listened. "Shit! Quick, my husband's coming through the front door! Hide in the bathroom!" She cried.
The lover ran into the bathroom as she hid his clothes under the bed. As she turned back, her husband came through the bedroom door.
"What the hell are you doing lying on the bed naked?" he asked.
"Darling, I heard you coming up the driveway, and got ready to recieve you!" she replied with a knowing smile.
"Great! he said, "I'll just nip into the bathroom and I'll be with you in two shakes!"
Before she could stop him, he opened the bathroom door where he found a nude man clapping his hands together in mid-air.
"Wh..Who the devil are you?!?" the husband demanded.
"Uh, I'm from the exterminator company. Your wife called me in to get rid of these pesky moths." the lover replied.
"But...You've no clothes on!" stammered the husband.
The lover looked down and jumped backwards in surprise and said "The little bastards!"
Two friends meet each other on the street. "Hello! Where are you coming from?" asked Bill. "Oh, don't ask me!" Replied Sid, "I'm coming from the cemetary. I just buried my mother-in-law." Bill is visibly saddened to hear the news. "I'm so sorry my friend, but....Hey! Why is your face all scratched up?" "It wasn't so easy!" said Sid. "She put up a hell of a fight!"
What's the difference between an aerobics instructor and a torturer? The torturer would apologize first!
Drinking and driving is terrible....You always spill your beer when you change gears!
A man visits the doctor. The doctor says, "I have bad news for you. You have Cancer and Alzheimers disease." The man replies, "Well, thank God I don't have Alzheimers disease!"
Any woman that thinks the way to a man's heart is through his stomach is aiming a little too high.
A husband says to his wife: "Get your coat on, love. It's time to go down to the pub!" She replies, "But...You NEVER take me out!" The man shrugs. "I'm not, but I'm turning the heat off before I go."
A man went to a ***** house one evening. He had no arms and no legs. When the Madam answered the door, she asked what he wanted. He grins and says "I want me a lady!" She scoffed at him, "You have no arms and no legs, what can you do?" With that, he replied: "Ey! I rang the bell, didn't I?"
A little boy walks in on his parents during a "romantic session" and asks if he can hop on his daddy's back. The father doesn't see any harm, so he agrees, and they continue. When things really started to heat up, the little boy leaned down and whispered in his father's ear: "Hold on tight, daddy! This is where me and the postman usually get bucked off!"
Two gentlemen were changing in the locker room after a game of tennis. One notices the other is putting on a pair of stockings and suspenders. He says "When in bloody hell did you start wearing stuff like that?!?" To which the other man replied, "Since my wife found a pair on the back seat of the car."
Incest. A game the whole family can play.
The lovers passionately embraced on her bed, their bodies fused together as they gyrated to their own tattoo. The woman cocked her ear and listened. "Shit! Quick, my husband's coming through the front door! Hide in the bathroom!" She cried.
The lover ran into the bathroom as she hid his clothes under the bed. As she turned back, her husband came through the bedroom door.
"What the hell are you doing lying on the bed naked?" he asked.
"Darling, I heard you coming up the driveway, and got ready to recieve you!" she replied with a knowing smile.
"Great! he said, "I'll just nip into the bathroom and I'll be with you in two shakes!"
Before she could stop him, he opened the bathroom door where he found a nude man clapping his hands together in mid-air.
"Wh..Who the devil are you?!?" the husband demanded.
"Uh, I'm from the exterminator company. Your wife called me in to get rid of these pesky moths." the lover replied.
"But...You've no clothes on!" stammered the husband.
The lover looked down and jumped backwards in surprise and said "The little bastards!"
