There Are Limericks To Be Recited When Ladies Are Present, And There Are Limericks

[Libertine]

Apart from the Sonnet, which is invariably 14 lines, and usually about love, the only formalised verse form in the English language is the Limerick. A proper Limerick is invariably improper, constructed to a very precise scansion and rhyming scheme, and usually involves unlikely people or animals doing very odd things indeed.

To start you off, here's one of my favourites.

A young Curate, new to the Cloth,
At abusing himself was no sloth.
He preached masturbation
To the whole congregation
And was washed down the aisle on the froth.

And next, The Tragic Tale of...

The Farter From Sparta

There was a young fellow from Sparta,
A really magnificent farter,
On the strength of one bean
He'd fart "God Save the Queen",
And Beethoven's "Moonlight Sonata".

He could vary, with proper persuasion,
His fart to suit any occasion.
He could fart like a flute,
Like a lark, like a lute,
This highly fartistic Caucasian.

This sparkling young farter from Sparta,
His fart for no money would barter.
He could roar from his rear
Any scene from Shakespeare,
Or Gilbert and Sullivan's "Mikado".

He'd fart a gavotte for a starter,
And fizzle a fine serenata.
He could play on his anus
The Coriolanus:
Oof, boom, er-tum, tootle, yum tah-dah!

He was great in the Christmas Cantata,
He could double-stop fart the Toccata,
He'd boom from his ass
Bach's "B-minor Mass",
And in counterpoint, "La Traviata".

Spurred on by a very high wager
With an envious German named Bager,
He proceeded to fart
The complete oboe part
Of a Haydn "Octet in B-major".

His repertoire ranged from classics to jazz,
He achieved new effects with bubbles of gas.
With a good dose of salts
He could whistle a waltz
Or swing it in razzamatazz.

Hi basso profundo with timbre so rare
He rendered quite often, with power to spare.
But his great work of art,
His 'Fortissimo Fart',
He saved for the "Marche Militaire".

One day he was dared to perform,
"The William Tell Overture" Storm,
But naught could dishearten
Our spirited Spartan,
For his fart was in wonderful form.

It went off in capital style,
And he farted it through with a smile,
Then, feeling quite jolly,
He tried the finale,
Blowing double-stopped farts all the while.

The selection was tough, I admit.
But it did not dismay him one bit,
Then, with ass thrown aloft
He suddenly coughed...
And collapsed in a shower of shit.

His bunghole was blown back to Sparta,
Where they buried the rest of our farter,
'Neath a gravestone of turds
Inscribed with the words:
"To the Fine Art of Farting, A Martyr".

so- further contributions please?

Again, limericks only if you don't mind, and here are two more so you know the form:

There was a young sailor named Bates,
Who danced the Fandango on skates.
But he fell on his cutlass,
Which rendered him nutless,
And practically useless on dates

and last of all:

From the depths of the crypt at St. Giles
Came a scream that resounded for miles.
Said the vicar, 'By Gracious,
Has Father Ignatius
Forgotten the Bishop has piles?'

Let's keep this one going....

 

[General Zod]

There once was a man from Natucket

With a dick so long he could suck it

He said with a grin

as he wiped cum off his chin

if my nose was a ****,i could fuck it



There once was a man from Boston

Who owned a little Austin

He had room for his ass

And a gallon of gas

His balls hung out

So he lost 'em

 

[Bugman]

There was a young girl from Rabat,

who had triplets, Nat, Pat and Tat;

It was fun in the breeding,

But hell in the feeding,

When she found she had no tit for Tat.

 

[milagros317]

A frustrated young women named Alice
Used a dynamite stick for a phallus.
They found her vagina
In South Carolina
And parts of her anus in Dallas.

 

[Saeria]

Ladies love dirty limericks too!

There once was a guy named Dave
Who had a dead hooker in a cave
Her eyes were all baggy
Her tits were all saggy
But THINK of the money he saved!

It's not quite a limerick, but close

There once was a man named Corkscrew Rick
Who, as you could guess, had a corkscrew prick.
He searched in vain on an endless hunt,
To find his mate with a corkscrew ****
But When he found her, he fell over dead,
'cause the stupid ol' bitch was a left handed thread.

How could you cried Bob to his mother
How could you have sex with another
Promise me you won't bother,
to go tell your father
and I'll screw you as good as your brother.

If only you'd show me, I said
Just a little attention in bed
Just a smile, or a sigh
Or a touch on my thigh
Oh yeah, I forgot you were dead.

There once was a Vampress named Mable
Whose cycles were very unstable
By the light of the moon
She'd take out a spoon
And drink herself under the table


That's all the ones I can think of right off, Prolly screwed them all up.

 

[Lamashtu]

There once was a guy from Spain
who peed out yellow rain
when out came some cops
who felt some warm drops
that rightly-so bashed in his brain

 

[Smuggy Bear]

There was a young man from Saint Paul
Who went to a masquerade ball.
Just for a stunt
He went dressed as a ****,
And got fucked by a dog in the hall.

Here's to the girl named Louise
whose pubic hair hung to her knees.
The crabs came together
and knitted a sweater
so in Winter her **** would not freeze!

There once was a local called Land
Who had quite a limber right hand.
One night he screamed,
'That damn Vaseline,
Some bastard has mixed it with sand