There is much confusement in my mind, right now...

[Flatfoot]

Ummm... I don't exactly know how to start this, because it's a disorganized mess in my head, and it's going to be a disorganized mess in this post. I just know I'm really confused about my feelings right now, and it's causing me to lose some respect for myself, but I feel the need to be honest to somebody, because I know I keep stuff bottled up way too much. I think I feel most comfortable sharing with all of you, because you guys understand me in a way no one else is willing to, and I'm hoping you guys can understand me in my current situation, if you could even call it that, or at least help me to make some sense of what the hell's wrong with me.

Okay, most of you who know me know that I'm married. My wife doesn't accept my fascination, nor does she understand it. That's not even really an issue at the moment, though, if at all in my current situation. Sometimes, she can really drive me nuts (I could easily read off a list of things she does that really annoy me, but then I'm not focusing on the problem. Not that I've got any focus right now, anyway.), but that can be said about any marriage or relationship, right? I don't really know where the borderline is between standard, tolerable couple-fighting, and two people who don't belong together (Some of you might be thinking, "Why didn't you think of that before getting married??? The answer is I don't know. We're both young and seemed so certain about our feelings.). During one argument, she said that our relationship had started to feel too "routine" and "obligatory", and she demanded that I admit I was feeling the same way. I simply said that I didn't know what I was feeling. That whole concept blew her mind and confused her. She didn't understand how I couldn't know what the hell was going on inside me. The next day, however, she apologized for everything she said, saying she didn't mean any of it. She's got a mean streak in her, sometimes, where she'll say things that she doesn't mean, just to hurt me, or push my buttons. I know I can have a bad habit of this, too, once I've bottled up too much. I ended up apologizing, as well, even though I'm still confused about what I feel.

Oh, and to throw another wild card into the mix, there's a woman at work, who I have become utterly fascinated with. I know that as a married guy, I'm still gonna find other women attractive, due to nature, but I find that I'm thinking about this woman waaaay too often. I've never daydreamed about, or put so much thought into another woman, like I'm doing right now. Part of it comes from the way this woman treats me. I need the opinions of some of you ladies on this one. I've read that one signal a woman will send off when she has a particular interest in you, is that she'll go out of her way to touch you. This could be as simple as putting her hand on your arm or cheek, or playfully grabbing your stomach, etc. Among other things, something that sticks out in my mind, is that she hugged me when she found out I had gotten promoted (It sounds silly to get worked up over a hug, but keep in mind that Marines do not show public displays of affection in uniform. It's considered unprofessional, and she risked getting her ass chewed just by doing that, but she didn't care.). I could be making something out of nothing, but I need the opinion of some of you ladies to help me figure this out. I've always been drawn, like a moth to a flame, to any woman who pays me undue attention, or freely exhibits casual affection. I don't know why, but I'm a sucker for it. However, that could also be because my wife isn't a very affectionate person, and it's something different. I don't know.

Before I go off on a tangent about this woman, I need to get back to my marriage. Let's say I didn't belong with my wife, and actually considered divorce. I know I'd be throwing away a great woman. We've done pretty well for ourselves, so far. We've both got great paying jobs, and we already own our own house. That's a pretty big accomplishment, considering I'm 21 and she's 20. I know that you can't base a marriage off of financial success or stability, but I'm also afraid of the financial mess that would come from a divorce. Whether I would ever get a divorce or not, it still bothers me that I probably wouldn't have the will power to go through with it if it needed to be done. I think I'm afraid that I'm gonna turn out like my father, who wasn't really happy with his first wife, but stayed with her until she died, because "It's better than being alone." I think I'm gonna need help from some of you married couples on this one, because I don't know if this possible lack of feelings is just the "newly-wed excitement" fading away into normalcy, or if the love is disappearing. I'm just really confused right now, and I'm not feeling very respectable based upon my feelings. Any advice you guys could provide would be greatly appreciated, whether it's words of wisdom, or just a kick in the ass. Thanks, all of you. I love you guys.

 

[Neutron]

And On Todays Edition Of...

AS The World Turns..


It's a sad state of affairs when you trust the input of people you'll never meet vice not doing the cowardly thing and talking things over with your wife. The wonders of modern morality eh?


Tron

 

[Flatfoot]

Kick in the ass #1.

Thank you, Neutron.

It does sound that simple, doesn't it? I've never really been one to openly share what it is I may actually be feeling, (Yes, it is a weakness of mine, that I have never been able to overcome.), because I don't like the idea of having a particular feeling or opinion that would cause others to view me in a negative way. I know that this in itself is not a respectable attitude, and I don't have an excuse for it. The fact that I'll probably never meet any of you in person, combined with the vast diversity and experiences of this community is what helps me to admit it here, before ever considering to admit anything in to anyone in person.

 

[Neutron]

Without Flaming..

I'll reduce what you said to one word.

Coward.

Be Safe

Tron

 

[Flatfoot]

I agree with you whole-heartedly. If it's a kick in the ass I need, then by all means. Perhaps I need a little fire under my ass.

By the way, something I forgot to add in, it's not just fear of being viewed negatively, it's also a fear of being considered a hypocrite. I try to take a good hard look in the mirror before I share any of my opinions in given situations.

 

[evilqueen]

Flatfoot, If you are willing to take insults with your advice, I'll leave Tron's comments be.

You and your wife need to talk, together or separately, to a professional who can help you decide whether your love for each other is entering into the "married" stage, or if the two of you are discovering you don't have enough in common to keep you together. You need a third party to help keep the discussion from disintegrating into argument.

I understand you were seeking that third party by asking here, but here is not the place to find advice. In that I agree with Neutron. I just have a little more sympathy for a 21-year-old who is looking for help than to measure him by the standards of my twice-as-old perspective. Good luck.

 

[Myriads]

Continuing the string of agreement.

Here you can find people who will share their experiences and perspective. In short, raw information. There is value in that, but it has to be carefully mined out.

EQ provides good advice. Your marrage seems to be at a point where you need a pro outside eye to look at it and help the two of you gain perspective on whats happening. That outside eye has to be able to ask questions of both of you, and talk to both of you.

That you realize that there might be an issue that is undercutiing your marrage speaks well to your ability to look at yourself and be critical when it counts. Many would deny deny deny.

Talk with yout wife, and then with a pro if need be. Communication needs to happen. Lot's of it.

Myriads

 

[qjakal]

Concur,,

Gotta throw another vote in for counseling....it might help, although if you are anything like myself, you'd prefer to have root canal without novacaine rather than go through intense private matters with a stranger. It's a tough situation. I too am married to a woman who doesn't comprehend my fascination, but after a trial separation, I came to realize that life is long, and tickling is only a part of it, and me...it would have been too painful to continue on without her. It's been nearly 26 years now that we're together, and it hasn't always been easy, but i think I made the right decision. Only time and your own instincts can guide you....btw, I think ALL men are attracted to women who exhibit interest...lol...genetics and such! Q

 

[Dave2112]

I also agree that counseling might be in order. The both of you are very young, and this may be the first big hurdle you have. The fact that you realize that there's aproblem shows that you have concern and compassion for your wife, and for yourself. I say, give it a shot. There are others who can help you better than those that are here.

I would also like to applaud your strength in taking a "kick in the ass" as you put it. Regardless of what some may say, contact and interaction with others is important, even if they are only words on a screen. I wouldn't go basing your life on what internet friends have to say, but it's input nonetheless. Just taking the time to type up the whole explanation probably got at least some of this out in the open for you, and perhaps allowed you to face what you keep in the back corners of your mind.

Again, seek counseling and open the doors of communication with your wife. Advice around here can be helpful, or it can be inhumanly insensitive, so you take what you get.

Good luck! 😎

 

[Cosmo_ac]

I wouldn't call you a coward Flat. Cowards just sit there and do nothing, because there two scared to do anything. What you've done here is taken a step. It's a small step, perhaps, but a step none the less.
Do NOT let people walk over you, because of hesitation to act. Only fools act without taking time to weigh there actions. Some don't know that, or are to foolish to realize it. This is obviously a very big thing. There is a thing as taking too much time, but something like this shouldn't be rushed.
I agree that you should seek professional help. Counciling is probably a good idea. You should also try and be open with your wife, if possible.

 

[MadKalnod]

I'm not going to urge you one way or the other on whether or not you stay with your wife. That's for you and her to talk out and decide.

As for the other woman you're becoming infatuated with, I cannot stress this enough: Do not pursue this! Whatever you and your wife decide about your relationship, it will only be infinitely more complicated by any kind of dalliance with this other woman, no matter how innocent it may seem at the time. It's 31 Flavors of pain waiting to happen.

 

[Neutron]

It Wasn't Meant..

To be an insult or a kick in the ass. And it's not twice his age of experience talking either. When I was 21 I still would have thought anyone in his situation is being a coward if they mishandled this the way he has.
He can look in the mirror, be a damn man and say, I'm going to tell me wife about this. Or drop it entirely. My GUESS is she isn't online seeking advice because she's weak inside. And if she even KNEW there was a problem I bet she;d stand up to it. Stop whining. Do what is right. Talk with your wife.

Tron

 

[BigJim]

Flatfoot, I don't think you're a coward because you've actually admitted to yourself that there is a problem. What I would say is that you're not very good yet, at working out a practical course of action. Asking us for the solution wasn't practical, because none of us can really empathise with the feelings that are going on inside your relationship. We havn't been in there, so we don't know. Even if some of us HAVE been through something similar, it won't have been exactly the same.

Having a serious heart to heart with your wife WOULD be practical. Given that you feel the way you do and that you and she don't seem to connect at a fundamental level, I'd also reccomend bringing in a third party on this one. I don't know what the American version of Relate or Marriage Guidance is, but whatever it is, is who you need to contact.

What you've done, is take the first step to try and get your thoughts and feelings in order. No matter how tentative a step it may have been, even a journey of a thousand miles starts that way.

Good luck my friend.

 

[Myriads]

Tron said: When I was 21 I still would have thought anyone in his situation is being a coward if they mishandled this the way he has.
He can look in the mirror, be a damn man and say, I'm going to tell me wife about this. Or drop it entirely. My GUESS is she isn't online seeking advice because she's weak inside. And if she even KNEW there was a problem I bet she;d stand up to it. Stop whining. Do what is right. Talk with your wife.

What makes one person a coward, and another simply timid or cautious, is a matter of context. One that is darn hard to call either way without a heck of a lot more information then a paragraph or two on a screen.

At 21 to even know the self in general is a major acomplishment, seeing as it's hardly a work that is finished at that point. The user is aware that there IS a problem in his life. He's admited that fact by posting here. Made his thought concrete. Put it someplace that he cannot mentally deny it later. That's not cowardly. It's being self honest and brave. One of the hardest tasks anyone can do is look at the self and pull it out to examine closely. The self is rarely pretty under ones own cruel eyes. I can respect what he has done quite a bit. Whining? No. Working. Talking out loud to work it through and help figure it out. Some people find strength in having thier ideas examined by others. Perhaps this user is one such.

This user asking aid, is looking for more then a solution. He's also looking for support. Other people who might understand the unique position that he's in. People who can sympathise and provide personal interpretations that will fit the context of his life (a tickling fetishist (or paraphilia if we mustr be 100% correct)). Information he can look at for what it's worth then move on to make the personal chocies that he'll need to make for himself.

I hope that he finds that information here, and then applies it to make his life into the one he trully wants. Matching self with reality.

Myriads

 

[BigJim]

Myr, that sums it up totally. You put that in a much more concise and educated way than I did. (And it's not often I admit that!)

Nuff said............

 

[kurchatovium]

I think if you still love your wife then you might need professional help to work out your differences. At the very least talk to your wife and get the lines of communications open. That would be helpful.

As for the other woman I would say do not pursue this at all unless things between you and your wife lead to divorce. Only after the divorce would I then pursue this other woman. First though I would try everything possible to salvage your marriage. I am not married but I have watched many friends and relatives suffer through marriages that were not working out. Perhaps if they sought to repair those marriages before too many feelings got hurt they would have turned out better. Anyway good luck my friend and take care.

 

[woody74]

my 2 cents

Two words: you're 21. I thought I was in love at 21, and as I got older, that love faded. I realize now that I idealized our relationship because (as flatfoot's father said) "it was better than being alone".

Flatfoot: if you don't have kids, then my advice is to revaluate your relationship. Can you stay with her and never be able to act on your needs with her? Will you always have to go to external sources for satisfaction? If the answers are yes, then you have to decide if you can live with that. And did I mention that you are only 21? It would seem that a majority of the time, people that have a rift between them stay together because they think they should, either for security reasons, or because they don't want to disapppoint their respective families. Or maybe because they don't want to be the bad guy. Pain and anger will pass, but regret hangs around for as long as you give it reason to.

-w

 

[TicklingDuo]

Flatfoot...

I congratulate you for the courage it took to bring this problem out to where it could be looked at. Though I agree that discussing this with your wife and probably with a counsellor are necessary, I don't agree that adressing it here is a mistake or cowarddly. If, as you've said, you have difficulty in stating what you feel, this could be a tool to look at those feelings and get some feedback. While this can't be the final step, it is a step...and hopefully one that will lead to enough recognition of what you're feeling to help you go back to address it with your wife.

Playing into your situation are many factors. Your youth and inexperience are a handicap. But, the fact that you're in the service and likely have more limitted time togather can also play a role. I'm sure you can list a number of other things as well.

When we're confused like this, we tend to look for the easy way out. That's human nature. If you're feeling unloved and not responded to by your wife, then your interest in the other woman is only natural. Her attentions point out an area of lacking in your relationship. Giving in to the fascination with her would be to give in to the frustrations you feel and refuse to deal with them.

Look at what you do and don't like in your marriage. Look at what attracts you to this other woman. That will likely give you more to add to your list. But, in doing so, recognize that you're never going to find anyone who will meet every want/need.

Marriage is a partnership where you walk and struggle together. Times of dryness and confusion are a part of any journey or relationship. It's just more pronounced in a committed relationship like marriage. In the end, we need to recognize that we must be able to stand on our own and not look to others for our self worth and needs. Then, we can truly appreciate the presence and companionship of others.

Good luck. you will be in thought and prayer.

Ann

 

[hootus]

Hey Flatfoot

Hey Flatfoot,

After being married for 21 years, I can tell you that, you and your
wife may be growing apart. It is possible. For your sake, I hope you can work it out because divorce is very ugly. I've been there and done that! Like the others have said, Leave that other lady alone until something is worked out between you and your wife. The other woman will only compilcate things. Remember tha old saying about the grass being greener on the other side of the fence? This, most of the time, just aint true.
Do you and your wife have any interests in common? Thats a good place to start. And remember, fights are gonna happen.
My wife and I happen to have college football in common. We have been going to OU football games since we met. (OU=University of Oklahoma)
And over the years I have gotten her interested in Nascar racing, to the point now, where the first thing she asks is, "Where is Jeff in the points race?" Jeff being Jeff Gordon.
It may seem silly, but common interests can keep a marriage going.
While she does'nt get into tickling, she understands that I do, and she accepts it. For me that is her only fault.
So maybe starting with a common interest you and your wife have, may be a good way to salvage things.
Remember, sex and money are the number one causes for divorce in this country.
From an old married man!
Good luck🙂

 

[Flatfoot]

Sorry I haven't replied in the past couple days, I haven't really been online. I just want to thank all of you for the advice you've given me. Believe me, I know this isn't necessarily the best place that I should be looking for help, but each of you had some important words of wisdom to share, and I appreciate that. I couldn't thank you guys enough.

Hootus: A big common interest I can think of right now is wrestling (It took some work, but I got her brainwashed into that one! ). Now, if only we could watch Smackdown, she'd be able to see the wrestlers that she actually LIKES watching.

Ann: Thank you for your kind words. I see exactly what you're saying about trying to find the "easy" way out. Lately, when all the stuff hits the fan, I start feeling flustered and lethargic, not wanting to work at anything. Also, I know exactly what you mean about never truly finding that one person who meets all the criteria on your wants/needs list. Lately, when I hear about some of the other people I know, and how screwed-up their marriages/relationships are, I realize that I've got a good thing going, right now.

woody74: Though I'm feeling a lot better about my marriage (I'm a very moody person!), I can see what you're saying about people staying together because they think it's the "right" thing to do. I think sometimes, I'm afraid to try and weigh out the "pros and cons" of my marriage, because I don't really like the thought of divorce entering my mind. I think back to how other people always look at our relationship like we're the "perfect" couple. I think that puts some pressure on us when it comes to admitting problems. Also, we don't have children, but we've got three animals, two car payments, and a mortgage. I know divorce becomes expensive, and although we've done pretty well for ourselves, we have stretched ourselves close to the limit. The probable financial mess is a major factor in my not wanting to consider a divorce, if one was needed.

Kurchatovium, Myriads, BigJim, cosmo_ac, Dave2112, qjakal, evilqueen: Thank you guys for all your kind words. I'm gonna look into what the base has to offer for counseling. Every week, e-mails are sent out at work for marriage enrichment classes. Hopefully (I doubt it, though.), I can convince her to come with me to at least one of these classes. It's easier said than done, though, because she kinda looks at those classes as a joke, and thinks people shouldn't have to be told "how to be married". Also, she barely tells me what's pissing her off, let alone some stranger. Worst case scenario, I'll go alone, and if I can't apply the fundamentals they teach, then maybe that'll tell me something.

MadKalnod, Hootus, Kurchatovium: As far as my recent infatuation goes, I'll be completely honest with you. I highly doubt I would've attempted anything, anyway. I've never cheated on anyone in my entire life, and I think that's the worst thing you can do to another person. Also, for me to have cheated on my wife, it would've taken a much larger pair of grapefruits to take such a definite course of action (Not that I'm saying that would've been a GOOD thing, but I've been too confused to make any decision, let alone the right one or wrong one.). I mainly mentioned her, because it bothers me that I've had her in my mind as much as I did. I know that guys, on the average, think of sex, what is it now, every 10 seconds? I'm sure I fit in that category, but to be focused on one particular person other than my wife? That's what bothers me.

Neutron: Ummm... thank you for your "kind" words. In all seriousness, you seem like the type of person who doesn't have time for B.S., and has no problems with confidence or honesty. If that's the case, then I admire that in ya. Sometimes, I wish I could have the level of bluntness you exhibit, especially in a situation like this, but I've always been more of a beat-around-the-bush and sugarcoat-it kind of guy. That works for me. As George Carlin once said, "If honesty were suddenly introduced into American life, the whole system would collapse!"

Thanks again to all of you who were willing to listen to me and offer your $0.02. I can't thank you guys enough. God bless all of you.

 

[BigJim]

May the Force be with you!

😀 😀 😀

 

[tkrexx]

This has nothing to do with your problem, Flatfoot, but I had no idea you were a Leatherneck...OOORAH!!!

Cpl Rxx

 

[Flatfoot]

HYUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUT!!!!!!!!!

 

[kurchatovium]

If she doesn't want to go to counselling maybe you could try one of those videotape courses like the "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" guy offers. I don't know if any of these are any good but if she won't travel somewhere to go to a counselling session maybe you could get her to at least watch a videotape. Don't give up hope if you are going through this much trouble to save your marriage then you must love her. Love is the most important element in a marriage I think. The other details can be worked out with time. Best of luck to you my friend, hope I have been of some help.