Tickling and Sexuality: A Reflection

[GarnettRose]

It feels strange to be in the gray area of the asexual spectrum. Life would be so much easier if I were just fully ace. I suppose life generally is easier to digest when things fall into neat little boxes. I've had friends who have never experienced sexual attraction, friends with no libido, and friends with whom the mere mention of sex sends shivers of disgust up their spines. I don’t really fall into any of those boxes, not fully anyway.

I enjoy sex. I’ve been blessed with a partner that puts my needs first, even when my body is frustratingly difficult to get off. I’m not sure if taking 30 minutes to an hour to orgasm even with a vibrator is the norm. To be honest, I’ve never really asked around. Either way, it’s my norm, and my dear love is kind enough to stick around for the frustratingly long ride. I'm quite certain, had I married a selfish lover, I would just assume I hate sex, but he is so attentive that the intimacy of the act transcends any final destination. I can't always get off by myself, let alone with a partner.

I’ve only ever been attracted to two people, my husband and another whom I constantly try and forget...but even then, I have never really looked at someone and wanted sex. I’m honestly more likely to fantasize about cuddling and playful tickling than I am any kind of illicit act. I can talk about hard core sexual topics as if they are the weather, but a friend mentions being ticklish in passing and my face reddens like a tomato. If I had to choose between a life of celibacy or a life without tickling or cuddling, it would be an easy choice for me and I’m not sure if that answer represents the norm.

I know some people dismiss asexuality as an identity (specifically as it relates to marginalization), especially the kinds of asexuality that come with exceptions. I’m not going to face any sort of societal backlash for this. Looking at my marriage, I appear heterosexual and as obsessed with sex as the rest of our culture, if not more. In reality it’s not a need, want, or craving for me. I have sex because I love my husband and I know he takes care of me. But even then, sometimes the willpower to start and maintain an active sex life is exhausting. I initiate constantly, but every time, there is always a feeling of trepidation. It’s a little voice in my head that asks “Am I really up for this?” He is patient and prefers a ton of foreplay so it’s always a good time, but that voice never really goes away.

Honestly, I’d much rather he tickle me til I cry. I’ve talked before about how the act of tickling represents a level of intimacy that is sexual in nature for me. I think it would be more accurate to say that tickling is my libido and my sexual expression. I don’t look at my husband and think of him taking me, but I picture him attacking my sides, my neck, or my feet on a near constant basis. It feels more obscene to me than actual sex, and honestly, I’m not fully sure what to think about it.

I want it constantly, but at the same time, I only want it from him. To have another touch me so intimately is not something I think I could stand except from those who have lit a flame of desire within me...and like I said, that has only happened twice in my 27 years on this earth.

I adopt the identity of gray-ace (an in between) because it provides meaning to a sexual experience that has never quite fit either sides of a wide spectrum. 'I didn't take this on to feel ‘special’. I believe every person on this earth is unique and worthy of caring, but some times having words to describe one’s experience brings a sense of surety to an otherwise chaotic existence.

I know this is long winded, but I am curious if anyone else has ever felt this way.

 

[GorillaTickler]

I never fantasize about sex only tickling. Sex still feels amazing and having a fetish requires a supportive partner who is understanding of our needs. I know what you mean.

 

[Soles_Scream]

It feels strange to be in the gray area of the asexual spectrum. Life would be so much easier if I were just fully ace. I suppose life generally is easier to digest when things fall into neat little boxes. I've had friends who have never experienced sexual attraction, friends with no libido, and friends with whom the mere mention of sex sends shivers of disgust up their spines. I don’t really fall into any of those boxes, not fully anyway.

I enjoy sex. I’ve been blessed with a partner that puts my needs first, even when my body is frustratingly difficult to get off. I’m not sure if taking 30 minutes to an hour to orgasm even with a vibrator is the norm. To be honest, I’ve never really asked around. Either way, it’s my norm, and my dear love is kind enough to stick around for the frustratingly long ride. I'm quite certain, had I married a selfish lover, I would just assume I hate sex, but he is so attentive that the intimacy of the act transcends any final destination. I can't always get off by myself, let alone with a partner.

I’ve only ever been attracted to two people, my husband and another whom I constantly try and forget...but even then, I have never really looked at someone and wanted sex. I’m honestly more likely to fantasize about cuddling and playful tickling than I am any kind of illicit act. I can talk about hard core sexual topics as if they are the weather, but a friend mentions being ticklish in passing and my face reddens like a tomato. If I had to choose between a life of celibacy or a life without tickling or cuddling, it would be an easy choice for me and I’m not sure if that answer represents the norm.

I know some people dismiss asexuality as an identity (specifically as it relates to marginalization), especially the kinds of asexuality that come with exceptions. I’m not going to face any sort of societal backlash for this. Looking at my marriage, I appear heterosexual and as obsessed with sex as the rest of our culture, if not more. In reality it’s not a need, want, or craving for me. I have sex because I love my husband and I know he takes care of me. But even then, sometimes the willpower to start and maintain an active sex life is exhausting. I initiate constantly, but every time, there is always a feeling of trepidation. It’s a little voice in my head that asks “Am I really up for this?” He is patient and prefers a ton of foreplay so it’s always a good time, but that voice never really goes away.

Honestly, I’d much rather he tickle me til I cry. I’ve talked before about how the act of tickling represents a level of intimacy that is sexual in nature for me. I think it would be more accurate to say that tickling is my libido and my sexual expression. I don’t look at my husband and think of him taking me, but I picture him attacking my sides, my neck, or my feet on a near constant basis. It feels more obscene to me than actual sex, and honestly, I’m not fully sure what to think about it.

I want it constantly, but at the same time, I only want it from him. To have another touch me so intimately is not something I think I could stand except from those who have lit a flame of desire within me...and like I said, that has only happened twice in my 27 years on this earth.

I adopt the identity of gray-ace (an in between) because it provides meaning to a sexual experience that has never quite fit either sides of a wide spectrum. 'I didn't take this on to feel ‘special’. I believe every person on this earth is unique and worthy of caring, but some times having words to describe one’s experience brings a sense of surety to an otherwise chaotic existence.

I know this is long winded, but I am curious if anyone else has ever felt this way.

This is the best attempt I can make at asking the following. Would being tickle tortured as you described satisfy a sexual urge for you, or is it not about sexual but a different type of euphoria? Put another way, would you happy being tickled and not orgasm, compared to orgasming somehow without tickling?

I'm curious because some of what you are writing resonates with me, albeit from a tickler perspective.

 

[mingusrude]

It feels strange to be in the gray area of the asexual spectrum. Life would be so much easier if I were just fully ace. I suppose life generally is easier to digest when things fall into neat little boxes. I've had friends who have never experienced sexual attraction, friends with no libido, and friends with whom the mere mention of sex sends shivers of disgust up their spines. I don’t really fall into any of those boxes, not fully anyway.

I enjoy sex. I’ve been blessed with a partner that puts my needs first, even when my body is frustratingly difficult to get off. I’m not sure if taking 30 minutes to an hour to orgasm even with a vibrator is the norm. To be honest, I’ve never really asked around. Either way, it’s my norm, and my dear love is kind enough to stick around for the frustratingly long ride. I'm quite certain, had I married a selfish lover, I would just assume I hate sex, but he is so attentive that the intimacy of the act transcends any final destination. I can't always get off by myself, let alone with a partner.

I’ve only ever been attracted to two people, my husband and another whom I constantly try and forget...but even then, I have never really looked at someone and wanted sex. I’m honestly more likely to fantasize about cuddling and playful tickling than I am any kind of illicit act. I can talk about hard core sexual topics as if they are the weather, but a friend mentions being ticklish in passing and my face reddens like a tomato. If I had to choose between a life of celibacy or a life without tickling or cuddling, it would be an easy choice for me and I’m not sure if that answer represents the norm.

I know some people dismiss asexuality as an identity (specifically as it relates to marginalization), especially the kinds of asexuality that come with exceptions. I’m not going to face any sort of societal backlash for this. Looking at my marriage, I appear heterosexual and as obsessed with sex as the rest of our culture, if not more. In reality it’s not a need, want, or craving for me. I have sex because I love my husband and I know he takes care of me. But even then, sometimes the willpower to start and maintain an active sex life is exhausting. I initiate constantly, but every time, there is always a feeling of trepidation. It’s a little voice in my head that asks “Am I really up for this?” He is patient and prefers a ton of foreplay so it’s always a good time, but that voice never really goes away.

Honestly, I’d much rather he tickle me til I cry. I’ve talked before about how the act of tickling represents a level of intimacy that is sexual in nature for me. I think it would be more accurate to say that tickling is my libido and my sexual expression. I don’t look at my husband and think of him taking me, but I picture him attacking my sides, my neck, or my feet on a near constant basis. It feels more obscene to me than actual sex, and honestly, I’m not fully sure what to think about it.

I want it constantly, but at the same time, I only want it from him. To have another touch me so intimately is not something I think I could stand except from those who have lit a flame of desire within me...and like I said, that has only happened twice in my 27 years on this earth.

I adopt the identity of gray-ace (an in between) because it provides meaning to a sexual experience that has never quite fit either sides of a wide spectrum. 'I didn't take this on to feel ‘special’. I believe every person on this earth is unique and worthy of caring, but some times having words to describe one’s experience brings a sense of surety to an otherwise chaotic existence.

I know this is long winded, but I am curious if anyone else has ever felt this way.

Nothing long-winded about this post. Rather, it is a thoughtful delineation of an experience most people don't think exists in the world. Thank you for taking the time to set this out as clearly and carefully as you did.

There is a lot of overlap between your relationship to sexuality and my own. I have had exactly that same thought that being a "real" asexual would be way simpler than where I am. It's always confused me that I readily fantasize about tickling but rarely think about sex. Partnership has been tricky to pursue and maintain. Romantic and intellectual attractions to women happen pretty organically. They're even reciprocated fairly often. But my desire for physical closeness is usually limited to tickling and cuddling, which is difficult to convey to someone who has somewhat rigid expectations about how attraction should work. When I first read about the gray area on the asexuality spectrum, I immediately thought, "this would describe me if it also accounted for the tickling fixation." In the past 7 or 8 years or so, I've seen more online discussion of the conjunction between asexuality and tickle fetish. I don't suppose a huge number of people experience both at the same time, but anecdotally it seems like there are more of us than we might imagine.

 

[eddieT]

It feels strange to be in the gray area of the asexual spectrum. Life would be so much easier if I were just fully ace. I suppose life generally is easier to digest when things fall into neat little boxes. I've had friends who have never experienced sexual attraction, friends with no libido, and friends with whom the mere mention of sex sends shivers of disgust up their spines. I don’t really fall into any of those boxes, not fully anyway.

I enjoy sex. I’ve been blessed with a partner that puts my needs first, even when my body is frustratingly difficult to get off. I’m not sure if taking 30 minutes to an hour to orgasm even with a vibrator is the norm. To be honest, I’ve never really asked around. Either way, it’s my norm, and my dear love is kind enough to stick around for the frustratingly long ride. I'm quite certain, had I married a selfish lover, I would just assume I hate sex, but he is so attentive that the intimacy of the act transcends any final destination. I can't always get off by myself, let alone with a partner.

I’ve only ever been attracted to two people, my husband and another whom I constantly try and forget...but even then, I have never really looked at someone and wanted sex. I’m honestly more likely to fantasize about cuddling and playful tickling than I am any kind of illicit act. I can talk about hard core sexual topics as if they are the weather, but a friend mentions being ticklish in passing and my face reddens like a tomato. If I had to choose between a life of celibacy or a life without tickling or cuddling, it would be an easy choice for me and I’m not sure if that answer represents the norm.

I know some people dismiss asexuality as an identity (specifically as it relates to marginalization), especially the kinds of asexuality that come with exceptions. I’m not going to face any sort of societal backlash for this. Looking at my marriage, I appear heterosexual and as obsessed with sex as the rest of our culture, if not more. In reality it’s not a need, want, or craving for me. I have sex because I love my husband and I know he takes care of me. But even then, sometimes the willpower to start and maintain an active sex life is exhausting. I initiate constantly, but every time, there is always a feeling of trepidation. It’s a little voice in my head that asks “Am I really up for this?” He is patient and prefers a ton of foreplay so it’s always a good time, but that voice never really goes away.

Honestly, I’d much rather he tickle me til I cry. I’ve talked before about how the act of tickling represents a level of intimacy that is sexual in nature for me. I think it would be more accurate to say that tickling is my libido and my sexual expression. I don’t look at my husband and think of him taking me, but I picture him attacking my sides, my neck, or my feet on a near constant basis. It feels more obscene to me than actual sex, and honestly, I’m not fully sure what to think about it.

I want it constantly, but at the same time, I only want it from him. To have another touch me so intimately is not something I think I could stand except from those who have lit a flame of desire within me...and like I said, that has only happened twice in my 27 years on this earth.

I adopt the identity of gray-ace (an in between) because it provides meaning to a sexual experience that has never quite fit either sides of a wide spectrum. 'I didn't take this on to feel ‘special’. I believe every person on this earth is unique and worthy of caring, but some times having words to describe one’s experience brings a sense of surety to an otherwise chaotic existence.

I know this is long winded, but I am curious if anyone else has ever felt this way.

Omg I have never read something that has been so close to my feelings about intimacy than this. This is my experience, to a t.

 

[GarnettRose]

This is the best attempt I can make at asking the following. Would being tickle tortured as you described satisfy a sexual urge for you, or is it not about sexual but a different type of euphoria? Put another way, would you happy being tickled and not orgasm, compared to orgasming somehow without tickling?

I'm curious because some of what you are writing resonates with me, albeit from a tickler perspective.

It depends. Sometimes it satisfies a need for intimacy in the same way cuddling does. I rarely crave sex even when I enjoy it, so I would say my need for tickling is similar in it's intensity to what I imagine having an active sexual libido is like, but it's not the same as craving sex and doesn't fulfill in the same way.

 

[Soles_Scream]

It depends. Sometimes it satisfies a need for intimacy in the same way cuddling does. I rarely crave sex even when I enjoy it, so I would say my need for tickling is similar in it's intensity to what I imagine having an active sexual libido is like, but it's not the same as craving sex and doesn't fulfill in the same way.

Thanks for the clarification. I could be fulfilled with giving regular tickle sessions and giving foot worship as long as my partner received something in return. If it's sessions, its compensation. If it's a relationship, then whatever pleasure they wish to experience. I don't need release from any of those activities. Though to release, those activities need to take place 90% of the time or come in some form such as clips or something.

 

[GarnettRose]

Thanks for the clarification. I could be fulfilled with giving regular tickle sessions and giving foot worship as long as my partner received something in return. If it's sessions, its compensation. If it's a relationship, then whatever pleasure they wish to experience. I don't need release from any of those activities. Though to release, those activities need to take place 90% of the time or come in some form such as clips or something.

I guess for me, the best comparison would be kissing a romantic partner. There are times I crave soft kisses or playful kisses purely to experience intimacy with a partner. Some kisses can absolutely inspire sexual feelings, but not all. I'm hardly going to lose my mind at a goodbye kiss at the door, but a passionate kiss is a whole other story.

I don’t really relate to having a need for any sort of release either tickling or sexual. As much as I need touch as a part of my relationship, it would not be hard for me to go more than a year without sexual gratification in any form.

Tickling can supply that, but I generally crave physical intimacy above all else. Tickling for me is one of the most intimate things one can do with a partner, so it fits as naturally into our lives as a hug or a kiss.

 

[TaciturnGaloot]

Your position on the topic is not unlike my own, while remaining completely different. I'm the "degree" of asexual where I'm not necessarily sex-repulsed but I see no need for it and have no desire for it. But like a democrat who can accept a republican has a different point of view and not automatically hate them for it, I can accept that some people want sex just as much as I DON'T want it.

That has always made tickling a very difficult to navigate Narnia for me. Tickling is not sexual, in the way it is for many here, but it is still the most intimate thing to me in the context of a woman whom I have an interest in. I don't want to tickle just anyone, I want to tickle THE one. Short of that, it's background white noise like music on a radio: an annoying presence that must be endured in some instances.