Filthyweasel
3rd Level Red Feather
- Joined
- Aug 3, 2008
- Messages
- 1,683
- Points
- 0
This is my life story. I was born a crack baby to a Yemeni leper and a 24/7 hunting overalls-wearing recreational ATV driver with bad teeth and a drooling problem named Chuck-Joe-Bob-Jim-Lee from Dirt, Alabama. The first 5 years of my life I grew backwards and so it wasn't until I was 10 years old that I ceased being inside-out. My parents both died in a freak accident involving a gun and some bullets, and so I was raised by my grandparents, both devout Seventh Day Advent Stigmatists. Every Sunday we would take turns flailing and crucifying one another. I had extra puncture wounds through my hands, being the one in charge of making the thorn crowns. By 13 I was so anemic I became albino, and had contracted so many odd diseases through years of blood poisoning that between 2:45pm and 4:02am every day I go blind and can only say the word 'fap'. When I was 15 I ran away and joined a circus, but of course this was a 21st century freak show circus and in order to obtain room and board and avoid starvation I was forced to hang a 10lb weight via hooks through my scrotum before a small audience of truckers who resembled my father. They would throw beer bottles at me and award each other points for hitting the weight, extra points if the bottle shattered. Once again I was becoming anemic from spending morning after morning picking broken glass out of my pelvis. As I was blind at night and couldn't communicate my plight to others (imagine a naked man running at you with glass in his genitals yelling 'Fap! Fap! Fap!' and you'll understand) I had to sleep with the fresh injuries, obtaining even more blood borne disorders such as crumpled knees (yes it is as painful as it sounds) and a fear of looking down. When I was 28 I fell down a mineshaft on my way back from breaking up with my one and only girlfriend. She was tired of my phobia causing me to track dog shit into her house and to not know what anything below her chin even looked like. I broke my back at the bottom of the shaft and after 3 days a swarm of rats attempted a rescue. Of course all they had was their teeth and if they tried to pull me by my skin, it would rip, so they would try again, poor things. Actual humans came and rescued me before I became complete hamburger.
Nowadays I reside in some kind of state home...well, I'm locked in a special room in the attic of the home, keeping me away from others. Children outside tell stories of the crazy nighttime blind fap creature. But I'm content. They're starting to salt the gruel now, and in a few minutes the nurse comes in to put cream on the red ring the ankle shackle makes.
It's my favorite part of the day.
Nowadays I reside in some kind of state home...well, I'm locked in a special room in the attic of the home, keeping me away from others. Children outside tell stories of the crazy nighttime blind fap creature. But I'm content. They're starting to salt the gruel now, and in a few minutes the nurse comes in to put cream on the red ring the ankle shackle makes.
It's my favorite part of the day.
