Timewarp's Rant series: 16 Cartoons

[Timewarp]

Boy it's been a long time since i've watched one...pfft....just kidding. Yes I still watch cartoons...for one reason. They are more original than anything i've seen growing up. Oh how I wished these modern cartoons can go back in time. But anyway...this is...rant 16?...meh whatever...and yes, I do have gripes i'm sure everyone else can relate with. so...this time i'm placing my rants in a theoretical category.

1. The Theory of Intellectual Misery: I personally hate hate HATE this theory because it goes against reality. SO basically: The more intelligent you are, the more misfortune you experience. The more idiotic you are, the more world loves you. Oh lets take...catdog...for example. (Point 1 for anyone who remembers it).
So you've got an one intelligent cat connected to a dumb as hell dog. What happens? The world hates the cat. So much so that collateral damage that could inflict total damage to an entire body on affects 1/2 of the protagonists...guess what? It's the cat that get's shocked, exploded, drowned, beat up, sliced, scorched, crushed, shot at...etc... I could go on but you get it.

2. The theory of Planing vs Murphy: If one remembers Murphy's law, if anything can go wrong, it will. Well in cartoons if you make a plan, it will go wrong no matter what. The severity of how wrong it can go depends on how much the complexity of the plan is. So if it something that requires...research, MASS DEATH!!!. The one exception of such chaotic outcomes is a plan so simple, how could it go wrong? Taking something from point A to point B. DEATH and DESTRUCTION!. Of course there is a chance that it won't go wrong, so long as you don't say, "What can (Negative outcome)?".

3. The theory of Impossible Goodness: If there is one thing I hate more than theory 1 is this one. A protagonist who can do no wrong, perfect if you will. Take ummm...Hey Arnold (+1 point for remembering). This kid is like Jesus cause he can solve just about any problem. Wither it's finding a long lost friend's siblings or...helping a pigeon man fly...don't ask... I mean humans are imperfect and when something is portrayed as a perfect person, it makes me mad as hell. It's like the cartoonist said, "Oh I've got an idea. Let's create a character who is always right. But we'll need conflict...let's put him in a ghetto...yeah and now make every situation impossible and too complex to be solved by normal people...but not this guy. Ahhh...my ego is satisfied".

(Damn even cartoonist are like...How much longer can he go...the Simpsons are on).

4. The theory of retarded Villainy: Let's say the Warp empire were to ever rise. Well I certainly won't have my base of operations in poorly planned constructed fortresses, hire goons as dumb as lemmings, or not give them any effective weaponry like...guns... But I guess every cartoon that has a villain must of followed these guidelines...in reverse. Take...ugh...Captain Planet (...no you don't deserve a point if you remember fondly of this cartoon...in fact -100 if you do). So the protagonist are 5 kids with powers like earth, water, heart...*Schreech...wait heart? What kinda power is that, the power to...give heart attacks? Damn you Ted Turner. Any way every episode is the same. There's a problem, the kids investigate, some lame villain without guns (But with lasers that do nothing but knock people out 🙁 ), capture 1 or all of them, the villain tells the plan in some poorly designed fort or sewer and give the kids the ability to escape, then the kids call CAPTAIN PLANET!!!....(ugh...I'm really sorry for that). He beats the villain, everyone cheers and there is some kinda lesson about saving earth or something...
( fyi, Captain planet's weakness is garbage.....GARBAGE...so no one carelessly through a small wrapper on him or he'll die).

5. The theory of Gender Social Disorder: Why oh why is every male shown up by a women when they work together? I really don't mean to offend women...but in every cartoon you women are the most egotistic, self indulgent bitches i've ever seen. I'm actually disappointed every time I represent 50% of the cartoon population who are about as capable with working the other gender as I am with Nuclear fussion. (I don't do that...oh..big surprise). I mean take...well any anime in existence. I mean the men in those cartoons are just the biggest pussies i've ever seen. I can't stand seeing a man being whipped by a woman; but obviously in Japan they haven't grown their balls yet. Another thing that pisses me off, Men cannot act like men unless they want the nearest bitch to kill them with a hammer (Anime cliche). I really think cartoons hate men...

6. The HanaBarbara Pardox: Obviously by now everyone knows when a background is repeated over and over again during a moving segment, it was done in order to cut cost... Well it's 2007, I doubt we still have poor hungry cartoonist in the streets. So why do we still need this? I just want to choke every director who even uses it once in a cartoon. "I just saw the same two stores pass that character...now you die. But that was a chain of Starbucks. Well now you die for promoting Starbucks".

7. The theory of Time Arrest: I am the very essence of time. How could have this became a problem? I'm annoyed how time has absolutely no power in cartoons. Like say there is 7 seconds to defuse a bomb in some cartoon. Well that's equal to...infinity. Or say there is 1 hour to do something. Well that's equal to 4 minutes. Please I beg for normality and reality. Don't make time powerless.

8. The theory of Imbalanced Metabolism: Rarely (Unless to promote a plot point or comedic device) do characters eat, sleep or go to the bathroom in a cartoon. Seriously you could be a glutton and never have to crap mount Fuji. Sleep is for the weak...and you don't have private parts anyway unless they're above your chest...

9. The theory of PC stereotypes: All villains are British, black people are cool, white people are dorky, women are hot regaurdless of race, every other race is based on perception and Mexicans...well who am I kidding, no one ever sees them unless they have a sombrero on.

( I don't think I can keep up with this...oh well you guys can pick up the slack).

10. The theory of Amazing Awe and surprise: "But how did you know I did it? So it was you as a mailman? I can't believe they placed a bomb here. How did I not notice this big "Turn off" button here?". I don't even have to explain this at this point.

( You know now that I think about it, it sounds like i'm copying a cliche list of some kind....nah...)

You know what...I think i'm done. I'd probably do more but maybe just with some research I could probably find something like this on the internets....

oh yeah...if you have a commit...well my policy is and always will be (I can care if I want to to...tu tutu tu tu...tu).

 

[Excess]

Dude, you're awesome. Have I ever told you that? I agree with every single point on that list. I mean I get that they aren't real, but really, try to be a bit realistic or non-cliche. That said, here are my thoughts on that list...

1. Yes, I remember CatDog. I'd say this is due to dumbness being related to innocence, and thus, is blessed by nature. On the other hand, intelligence is related to "selfishness", and the world hates "selfishness". And by selfishness I mean not running to help with every little problem someone has, not always doing the "obvious "right" thing" (turning found money in to the police), etc.

2. In relation to the previous one somewhat, a common trait is that if someone comes up with an very stupid (usually very simple) plan, it will ALWAYS work. It will be shot down in favor of a more complicated plan in the beginning, but when that one fails the character that came up with it will go thru with it anyway.

3. I remember football-head! And of course, EVERYONE loves the ideal human, and if they don't then they are evil.

4. Well, I do remember Captain Planet, but I didn't before I read you mention it. DAMN YOU! I hated that show! Heart? WTF kinda sunshine-and-flowers power is that?! And Captain Planet is just a joke. Period! But I digress. Guns are evil. Funny how lasers, despite advanced technology, are less effective. And let's not forget; if they want to "kill" the good guys, they must do so by a slow, easily foiled "death trap", instead of just stabbing them with a rusty fork (cuz stabbing is evil too).

5. Of course men must be portrayed as the lesser sex! To do otherwise would be sexist, and that includes showing the two genders as equal. There are two points I'd like to add. 1. In any contest between males and females, the females MUST win no matter what. 2. In a "humorous" showing, if all the males can't do/beat something, the female will ALWAYS do so flawlessly.

6. Because cartoonists think "Oh, no one will care if we repeat the same background 30 times in this 10 second chase scene. Afterall, any less work we have to do on it gives us more time to smoke weed and come up with ridiculous scenarios like "So there are these bears that shoot rainbows out of their stomachs..."".

7. Remember Dragonball Z? I know, you don't want to. Remember when Frieza set a planet to be blown up in 5 minutes? Remember 30 episodes later when it was still there? I do... Oh, and the bomb must always be defused with 1 or 0 seconds remaining...Cuz they're just lucky like that.

8. Not much to say here...Cept that characters only sleep to wake up in the middle of the night.

9. Same as above...I feel for Mexicans though, they have THE worst stereotypes in cartoons...

10. NO WAI?!
(Oh, and cliches and annoyances typically go hand-and-hand...atleast for me)

 

[Timewarp]

Holy S***! I have a fan?

It's the end...the end of it all...so take one more coke down the gullet cause it's the end of all.