Timewarp
3rd Level Red Feather
- Joined
- Sep 19, 2004
- Messages
- 1,636
- Points
- 0
Hello there. You thought I was finished. You all thought I was done. You thought you would never have to see those words ever again...well f*** you! I'm back and filled to the brim with unbriddle ire and irony. So welcome back to all my returning fans and people who I could wipe on the bottem of a desk next to fresh abc gum.
Alright let's get this hoedown upside down. I'm here today to talk about School, duh. It's in the title.
Now we all had to go to some form of early educational institution. Home, public or otherwise. And bless are lucky stars we have had the great opportunity to go to them. There are people who'd give there left leg to learn about cursive. But you know...just because it's the best opportunity doesn't mean it still doesn't suck an egg.
Now I must say now, this is a long rant. Take your time to get a drink, turn on the ac, masterbate, whatever....
Okay. Now let's begin...and take your hands out of your pants.
Okay so let's start at elementary because it is the start. Okay where to begin...hmmm...
Education: Okay so who remebers what kinda of education did they teach us in elementary? .......................................................................................................
........................................................................................anyone?
That's what I thought. Well I do remember some things. Remember when we first learned math they taught us that if you are subtracting an equation and the number you're subtracting with is bigger than the one on top you flip the numbers around? Okay so I get that, you're just trying to teach kids important math skills and hey, who the hell understands zero or negative at 5 years old. But honestly I was sorely pissed when in 3rd grade I actually learned we were doing math the wrong way the whole 2 years of school.
Anyone else felt like this was a foreshadow of how much bs and tricks math has from the point on and through collage? Cause that what it came across to me.
Then remember those times you had to do a reasearch paper on something, like a frog or some species you never heard of? 5-6 pages? I'm freaken thrown off by the concept of subtraction and negative. Now you thorw in a subject of learning I've never heard of? You know for kids like me, we didn't do it. No we let the guy who got his parents to do it and pretended you also did it. (Don't lie you know who you are. Yeah I admit it. I did it a couple of times but hey how many of you're brains were developed by 5th grade?)
Speaking of projects has anyone here done one project in their life by themselfs, without your parents, by age 13? More on that later.
Now (and this is something personal mind ya) my teachers "though", and I use the term loosely, I was mentally retarded. So they had me attend this special class which all I did really was play bored games and I'd get a cookie for winning. It wasn't that I was retarded, It was I was just like every other kid, I wasn't interested in school, I just didn't keep it private. I would laugh everytime they ask if I had done the homework they gave me and I said no because it doesn't count toward my real grade. Oh great times.
And you know I wish I had more on education through my elementary years...but meh.
Exercise: You all know this. Remember like the start of school after getting up at 6:30 in the f*** morning, cept me because my mother always took me and we were always late, and then after a the bell rang everyone lined up for morning exercising? And you know how they started off? Playing the worst song in history called the f***in chicken dance? Early morning and bad music, nice incentive toward exercising.
Who remembers what the exercising regiment was? First we started with rolling are arms in circles... What humberger chewing, grease guzzing, sugar ingesting jackass came up with this exercise? Oh yeah, I sure see that in a lot of gyms across America. Then after all that they make you run through the playground obsticale course. You know to weed out the weak. and then after that a brisk run around a giant field. My legs are not even a foot long and these bastards want me to run a whole field the size of a regualtion football stadium? I'll tell you this the only way I was able to run it was pretending the people passing me was a stampeding herd of rhinos. And I ephasise the word "passing" because I was passed 4 times during the whole run so i'd never get as far as 2 laps.
You know what made it worse? They occasionly hold those contest to see how many laps you can run and the people with the most laps got t-shirts? Adults are such f***in manipulating pieces of s***. I'd walk all the time cause hey I know I will never beat those 14 lappers. You'd think they could've just said to every other person who didn't make it, "Well you better start reading you lazy dummy". (You know cause cursing turns you into a murderer).
Lunch: Probably one of the worst meals you can get in your entire life; worse than airplain food or hospital food but not nearly as bad as hydrochloric acid injected in your pupils. What they gave us I never even considered food. Imitation bread, non-brand sloppy joes and pizza, unidentifiable dressing kids for some reason put on the pizza and a box liquid they claim is juice if not shredded paper with a hint of orange, all for 1.50$. Thank goodness for me they had a salad bar at my school because it was probably the closest thing to a healthy lunch you could get. Speaking of which all it had was lettice, ham, cheese and crutons. Mmm...starvation good.
School field trips, activities and events: Okay let's face it. For schools it's all about location. Some schools are near museums, some are near factories, some are near the white house. Mine was out in scenic f***in nowhere. So every field trip we had went like this. First we need a permision slip, insurances and medical forms; just incased we went to mexico or something. Then we have to get there and hour or so before school actually started.
Waiting for roll call. Loading up. Spending about any where between 30 mins to an hour on a bus, unable to move or even enjoy the trip being squeezed 3 at a time in a seat. Reaching our location, like a runned downed mexican shopping street or a park, not an amusement one. Spending another 30 mins on roll call, cause maybe some kids fell out the back emergency door. Spending an hour or so doing some bs "learn something from this".
Lunch, by which I mean what you brought with you but wasn't allowed to hold onto during the ride. And for most kids, going hungry. Spend another 30 mins following a guide, not allowed to you know explore or something. Then meet at the bus. 30 mins of rollcall. 2 hours or of driving back (Traffic, duh). Getting to school and hoping your parents were somewhere. Oh and don't forget, there's a f***in test on the field trip. Cause after being bored to hell, paying attention to the trip was probably the last thing on any kid's mind.
Okay so then you had those school events like....that ribbon thing. Cause it's never too early to take your kids innocence away. Or collect boxtops so your school can earn money that you'll never see put back into your classroom.
Then you had those school plays. Let me tell ya. Even as a kid I could feel like the adults in those seats during these plays. This sucks and I rather be doing something constructive but I have to be here for my kids. yay. But hey i'm being to harsh. At least it gave us the chance to experience stage fright and embarresement.
Kids: Okay, so now i'm just being cruel. But that's because you don't remember how cruel kids actually are. You can't really blame them. Elementary school is like one big science experiment with the heat turned on for too long. Just add a bunch of unstable and undeveloped minds. Throw in some concepts, lies and small amounts of truth. Simmer for 5 years and you get kids that will be future jocks, goths, loners, psychopaths and attention seekers. All with a 1% pure population of sane, thinking, loving, caring people on top.
Honestly kids are so brutal when there young because no one has there morals, diversity just gives you many things to make fun of, and outsiders are fair game for everyone. Yeah I was a loner. That kid who hanged out with a group of kids but never seem to do anything with them. Sit's alone at the lunch table. Snickered behind their backs and ridiculed on a daily basis. Yeah I want just want to say thanks to whoever cared about those kids when you were young and f*** you to those who picked on them, you pricks. Oh i'm sorry, I meant pee-pee heads.
Okay that was part 1. Next is Part 2: Middle School, revenge of the brain snachers. (not all in the title of course)
Hey kids, did you know there's more than one way to get one of my rants? (No way!) Oh yes it's quite simple really disco ducks. Just use the Tickletheater Search Engine and type in the key word: "Timewarp rant". You'll find over 30 rant ranging from hot chocolate to gameshows. You'll even get to see material that is not part of my rant series. Search Today, only at Tickletheater.com.
(Timewarp's rants are exclusive property of Timewarp and may not be replicated, duplicated, mutiplicated or seculacated under Copyright infridgement. Beat that Orphan law)
Alright let's get this hoedown upside down. I'm here today to talk about School, duh. It's in the title.
Now we all had to go to some form of early educational institution. Home, public or otherwise. And bless are lucky stars we have had the great opportunity to go to them. There are people who'd give there left leg to learn about cursive. But you know...just because it's the best opportunity doesn't mean it still doesn't suck an egg.
Now I must say now, this is a long rant. Take your time to get a drink, turn on the ac, masterbate, whatever....
Okay. Now let's begin...and take your hands out of your pants.
Okay so let's start at elementary because it is the start. Okay where to begin...hmmm...
Education: Okay so who remebers what kinda of education did they teach us in elementary? .......................................................................................................
........................................................................................anyone?
That's what I thought. Well I do remember some things. Remember when we first learned math they taught us that if you are subtracting an equation and the number you're subtracting with is bigger than the one on top you flip the numbers around? Okay so I get that, you're just trying to teach kids important math skills and hey, who the hell understands zero or negative at 5 years old. But honestly I was sorely pissed when in 3rd grade I actually learned we were doing math the wrong way the whole 2 years of school.
Anyone else felt like this was a foreshadow of how much bs and tricks math has from the point on and through collage? Cause that what it came across to me.
Then remember those times you had to do a reasearch paper on something, like a frog or some species you never heard of? 5-6 pages? I'm freaken thrown off by the concept of subtraction and negative. Now you thorw in a subject of learning I've never heard of? You know for kids like me, we didn't do it. No we let the guy who got his parents to do it and pretended you also did it. (Don't lie you know who you are. Yeah I admit it. I did it a couple of times but hey how many of you're brains were developed by 5th grade?)
Speaking of projects has anyone here done one project in their life by themselfs, without your parents, by age 13? More on that later.
Now (and this is something personal mind ya) my teachers "though", and I use the term loosely, I was mentally retarded. So they had me attend this special class which all I did really was play bored games and I'd get a cookie for winning. It wasn't that I was retarded, It was I was just like every other kid, I wasn't interested in school, I just didn't keep it private. I would laugh everytime they ask if I had done the homework they gave me and I said no because it doesn't count toward my real grade. Oh great times.
And you know I wish I had more on education through my elementary years...but meh.
Exercise: You all know this. Remember like the start of school after getting up at 6:30 in the f*** morning, cept me because my mother always took me and we were always late, and then after a the bell rang everyone lined up for morning exercising? And you know how they started off? Playing the worst song in history called the f***in chicken dance? Early morning and bad music, nice incentive toward exercising.
Who remembers what the exercising regiment was? First we started with rolling are arms in circles... What humberger chewing, grease guzzing, sugar ingesting jackass came up with this exercise? Oh yeah, I sure see that in a lot of gyms across America. Then after all that they make you run through the playground obsticale course. You know to weed out the weak. and then after that a brisk run around a giant field. My legs are not even a foot long and these bastards want me to run a whole field the size of a regualtion football stadium? I'll tell you this the only way I was able to run it was pretending the people passing me was a stampeding herd of rhinos. And I ephasise the word "passing" because I was passed 4 times during the whole run so i'd never get as far as 2 laps.
You know what made it worse? They occasionly hold those contest to see how many laps you can run and the people with the most laps got t-shirts? Adults are such f***in manipulating pieces of s***. I'd walk all the time cause hey I know I will never beat those 14 lappers. You'd think they could've just said to every other person who didn't make it, "Well you better start reading you lazy dummy". (You know cause cursing turns you into a murderer).
Lunch: Probably one of the worst meals you can get in your entire life; worse than airplain food or hospital food but not nearly as bad as hydrochloric acid injected in your pupils. What they gave us I never even considered food. Imitation bread, non-brand sloppy joes and pizza, unidentifiable dressing kids for some reason put on the pizza and a box liquid they claim is juice if not shredded paper with a hint of orange, all for 1.50$. Thank goodness for me they had a salad bar at my school because it was probably the closest thing to a healthy lunch you could get. Speaking of which all it had was lettice, ham, cheese and crutons. Mmm...starvation good.
School field trips, activities and events: Okay let's face it. For schools it's all about location. Some schools are near museums, some are near factories, some are near the white house. Mine was out in scenic f***in nowhere. So every field trip we had went like this. First we need a permision slip, insurances and medical forms; just incased we went to mexico or something. Then we have to get there and hour or so before school actually started.
Waiting for roll call. Loading up. Spending about any where between 30 mins to an hour on a bus, unable to move or even enjoy the trip being squeezed 3 at a time in a seat. Reaching our location, like a runned downed mexican shopping street or a park, not an amusement one. Spending another 30 mins on roll call, cause maybe some kids fell out the back emergency door. Spending an hour or so doing some bs "learn something from this".
Lunch, by which I mean what you brought with you but wasn't allowed to hold onto during the ride. And for most kids, going hungry. Spend another 30 mins following a guide, not allowed to you know explore or something. Then meet at the bus. 30 mins of rollcall. 2 hours or of driving back (Traffic, duh). Getting to school and hoping your parents were somewhere. Oh and don't forget, there's a f***in test on the field trip. Cause after being bored to hell, paying attention to the trip was probably the last thing on any kid's mind.
Okay so then you had those school events like....that ribbon thing. Cause it's never too early to take your kids innocence away. Or collect boxtops so your school can earn money that you'll never see put back into your classroom.
Then you had those school plays. Let me tell ya. Even as a kid I could feel like the adults in those seats during these plays. This sucks and I rather be doing something constructive but I have to be here for my kids. yay. But hey i'm being to harsh. At least it gave us the chance to experience stage fright and embarresement.
Kids: Okay, so now i'm just being cruel. But that's because you don't remember how cruel kids actually are. You can't really blame them. Elementary school is like one big science experiment with the heat turned on for too long. Just add a bunch of unstable and undeveloped minds. Throw in some concepts, lies and small amounts of truth. Simmer for 5 years and you get kids that will be future jocks, goths, loners, psychopaths and attention seekers. All with a 1% pure population of sane, thinking, loving, caring people on top.
Honestly kids are so brutal when there young because no one has there morals, diversity just gives you many things to make fun of, and outsiders are fair game for everyone. Yeah I was a loner. That kid who hanged out with a group of kids but never seem to do anything with them. Sit's alone at the lunch table. Snickered behind their backs and ridiculed on a daily basis. Yeah I want just want to say thanks to whoever cared about those kids when you were young and f*** you to those who picked on them, you pricks. Oh i'm sorry, I meant pee-pee heads.
Okay that was part 1. Next is Part 2: Middle School, revenge of the brain snachers. (not all in the title of course)
Hey kids, did you know there's more than one way to get one of my rants? (No way!) Oh yes it's quite simple really disco ducks. Just use the Tickletheater Search Engine and type in the key word: "Timewarp rant". You'll find over 30 rant ranging from hot chocolate to gameshows. You'll even get to see material that is not part of my rant series. Search Today, only at Tickletheater.com.
(Timewarp's rants are exclusive property of Timewarp and may not be replicated, duplicated, mutiplicated or seculacated under Copyright infridgement. Beat that Orphan law)
