For quite a while, months even I've been so at war with myself. I'm a 20 year old guy with Asperger's. Growing up, I was clingy, didn't understand social cues or boundaries, fixated on certain things and people. Add in a large amount of dysfunction between my parents which inly escalated when I 6th grade. It's only in the past couple years after graduating high school that I finally feel like a normal person in terms of social intuition, which is what others had years ago. I still have a bit of discomfort interacting with people, and aside from that the whole situation with 2020 hasn't helped with limited social opportunities.
There is this constant feeling that crops up, similar to what I felt not long after leaving HS. Seeing many of my former classmates who had relationships, or had a better, funner time while I was an awkward introvert and was sorta the weird kid in middle school. Even now I don't have friends minus someone from elementary school that I got back in touch with online. He actually was someone who I was clingy to along with a couple of his friends, but he doesn't even talk to them anymore and made it clear he doesn't hold it against me.
I've had other social failures in the past, but realize that middle and high school kids aren't known for being perfect. At all. But yet, I still feel the sense of inferiority and self loathing. And it does worry me since I was a borderline ''nice guy'' in middle school, asked out two girls but was rejected both times(I had been a bit creepy towards them already). I'm not proud of who I was, and I guess there's the question if I even deserve to be on par with others. It would have been nice to not have been on the spectrum.
Thing is, I know that even if the first 18 years of life haven't been ideal, I know maybe I shouldn't feel doomed. Even being inexperienced my social intuition is normal now though I do have to watch my wording and hyperfixation more closely. I'm not ugly(decent looking and even told I look a couple years younger) and am working on getting in better shape, aside from the EMT training, moving out soon and starting web classes in a couple months. My desired career is working as a game warden(environmental police officer). I talked to a couple of them when at a marina about the job and though mentioning I was autistic, they did say I walked up and talked to them no problem and had researched it more than anyone they talk to. I guess I should give myself some more credit and not hold onto past mistakes so much. Lots of folks do dumb **** in adolescence and its not like other people don't get a **** hand mental healthwise(BPD, depression, anxiety, etc). I am not upset about having the Hollywood high school experience. It's exaggerated anyway and even then I'm not a party animal or seek to be a smooth cassanova, but would have like to have some solid friends and involved in some worthwhile extracurriculars and classes.
I welcome all input, including those on the spectrum themselves. Thoughts?
There is this constant feeling that crops up, similar to what I felt not long after leaving HS. Seeing many of my former classmates who had relationships, or had a better, funner time while I was an awkward introvert and was sorta the weird kid in middle school. Even now I don't have friends minus someone from elementary school that I got back in touch with online. He actually was someone who I was clingy to along with a couple of his friends, but he doesn't even talk to them anymore and made it clear he doesn't hold it against me.
I've had other social failures in the past, but realize that middle and high school kids aren't known for being perfect. At all. But yet, I still feel the sense of inferiority and self loathing. And it does worry me since I was a borderline ''nice guy'' in middle school, asked out two girls but was rejected both times(I had been a bit creepy towards them already). I'm not proud of who I was, and I guess there's the question if I even deserve to be on par with others. It would have been nice to not have been on the spectrum.
Thing is, I know that even if the first 18 years of life haven't been ideal, I know maybe I shouldn't feel doomed. Even being inexperienced my social intuition is normal now though I do have to watch my wording and hyperfixation more closely. I'm not ugly(decent looking and even told I look a couple years younger) and am working on getting in better shape, aside from the EMT training, moving out soon and starting web classes in a couple months. My desired career is working as a game warden(environmental police officer). I talked to a couple of them when at a marina about the job and though mentioning I was autistic, they did say I walked up and talked to them no problem and had researched it more than anyone they talk to. I guess I should give myself some more credit and not hold onto past mistakes so much. Lots of folks do dumb **** in adolescence and its not like other people don't get a **** hand mental healthwise(BPD, depression, anxiety, etc). I am not upset about having the Hollywood high school experience. It's exaggerated anyway and even then I'm not a party animal or seek to be a smooth cassanova, but would have like to have some solid friends and involved in some worthwhile extracurriculars and classes.
I welcome all input, including those on the spectrum themselves. Thoughts?
