Weird Items From Actual Resumes

[njjen3953]

PERSONAL:

"I'm married with 9 children. I don't require prescription drugs. I
am extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don't let them know
of my immediate availability."

"I am a man filled with passion and integrity, and I can act on short
notice. I'm a class act and do not come cheap."

"Please don't look at my last 14 jobs as 'job-hopping.' I have never
quit a job."

"Number of dependents: 40." "Marital Status: Often. Children:
Various."

REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB:

"Responsibility makes me nervous."

"They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning.
Couldn't work under those conditions."

JOB RESPONSIBILITIES:

"While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am
decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially
incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be
configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more
rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of
responsibility."

"I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award."

"My goal is to be a meteorologist. Since I have no training in
meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."

"I procrastinate -- especially when the task is unpleasant."

PHYSICAL DISABILITIES:

"Allergic to house cats and Mongolian sheep."

 

[BigJim]

OMG! Were these actually true Jen?

 

[amk714]

Where'd you get this, Jen?

Originally posted by njjen3953
"While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility."

Translation: I am an idiot whose only asset is kissing ass until my lips can no longer pucker

 

[Dave2112]

Who to Contact in case of Emergency?

Ambulance.

 

[Bagelfather]

Resumes

I used to work at a law firm doing some typesetting for a brochure long long ago...

I remember we got a resume from a person and every header was a different font, and each section of the text under that header was a different font. It was the most unreadable laughable resume we had seen. My only comment is:

"Well we know he knows how to use fonts in MS Word."

When I worked at Kinko's people would ask me what paper to use to copy their resume onto. I told them if they wanted something other than plain white 20# bond paper to go with laser printer grade paper (60# white bond) or 24# white resume paper.

Then after asking the advice they would say "but I want my resume to stand out [customer holds up a sandstone pink piece of paper] don't you think this will get their attention?"

To which I would always respond "yes if you want the attention being to throw away the resume."

Employers don't want something fancy, they want something legible and something that can be scanned (if an agency) and that can be photocopied easily.

My response: "Your resume formatted neatly and giving clear detail as to what type of job you are looking for, your skills and what you bring to their company is what will stand out."

Most of the time the customer would then copy it on some god awful paper.

Its amazing what people will answer to get a job...

At an AM/PM in San Diego my friend was a manager and one of the questions on the resume was "do you plan to steal from the company?"
You wouldn't believe how many honest crooked morons are in the world.
And they wondered why they never got called in for a second interview?

If you're applying for an editor's position make sure there are no spelling, punctuation or grammatical errors!

 

[amk714]

Re: Resumes

Great post, Bagelfather--no wonder some people (rightfully) don't get hired! 🙄

 

[njjen3953]

I got this and most of what I post here from [email protected]

I find it interesting that many of my "joke" posts get taken so seriously and end up in a discussion. LOL

Jen

 

[Biggles of 266]

Since last assessment, employee has reached rock bottom and started to dig.

Works well when under constant supervision and trapped like a rat.