This is another post I'm forcing myself to write just because.You know,as much as I have come to enjoy writing,the contents of my posts are nothing but a reflection of despair.These days I find it hard to comprehend what my life has devolved into. 
Surgery on my spine was inevitable but I was hoping to delay the procedure as long as possible.Recently I had begun the process of working with a job counselor in an attempt to find a career that would be suitable.My back unfortunately has taken a turn for the worse and that's no longer an option.
One thing I've learned in life is to always be honest with yourself.As embarrassing as it is to say,I have absolutely no grasp on my life whatsoever.The whole thing has spun so far out of control I'm not sure I can ever regain my grip. Every aspect, physical,emotional,financial,social,it's all a wreck. It's as if I awake to a bad dream every day.It's pretty sad when my chiropractor,someone who I barely know is telling me that she's worried about me degenerating emotionally.
A couple weeks ago I also began a new training regimine in the gym,one I was looking forward to very much.Obviously it wasn't to be too intense but it was a step up from what I had previously been doing.Making the most of this upcoming spring and summer was something that had come to mean a lot.As rotten as things have been,I had come to accept them and just wanted to make the best of it for a while.
Recovery time from the operation can be between 6-8 months,if there are no complications.I don't even know what to think anymore.I'll be getting out of the hospital and living in my fuckin' car.
So basically I have two months before the hole I've dug myself in life becomes that much bigger.For all I know I may not even have the ability to walk the fuck out of there.Part of me is hoping that I don't even wake up after they put me under.
I can't even stomach writing anymore right now.I'll leave it on this note,I plan on continuing my efforts in the gym and going full fuckin' throttle.Weight training,bodybuilding,powerlifting,whatever you want to call it,is the only consistant structure I've ever had in my life and pretty soon I may not even have that.I see the next two months as possibly my last run up the mountain and if I'm going out it's gonna be with a fuckin' vengeance.
Surgery on my spine was inevitable but I was hoping to delay the procedure as long as possible.Recently I had begun the process of working with a job counselor in an attempt to find a career that would be suitable.My back unfortunately has taken a turn for the worse and that's no longer an option.
One thing I've learned in life is to always be honest with yourself.As embarrassing as it is to say,I have absolutely no grasp on my life whatsoever.The whole thing has spun so far out of control I'm not sure I can ever regain my grip. Every aspect, physical,emotional,financial,social,it's all a wreck. It's as if I awake to a bad dream every day.It's pretty sad when my chiropractor,someone who I barely know is telling me that she's worried about me degenerating emotionally.
A couple weeks ago I also began a new training regimine in the gym,one I was looking forward to very much.Obviously it wasn't to be too intense but it was a step up from what I had previously been doing.Making the most of this upcoming spring and summer was something that had come to mean a lot.As rotten as things have been,I had come to accept them and just wanted to make the best of it for a while.
Recovery time from the operation can be between 6-8 months,if there are no complications.I don't even know what to think anymore.I'll be getting out of the hospital and living in my fuckin' car.
So basically I have two months before the hole I've dug myself in life becomes that much bigger.For all I know I may not even have the ability to walk the fuck out of there.Part of me is hoping that I don't even wake up after they put me under.
I can't even stomach writing anymore right now.I'll leave it on this note,I plan on continuing my efforts in the gym and going full fuckin' throttle.Weight training,bodybuilding,powerlifting,whatever you want to call it,is the only consistant structure I've ever had in my life and pretty soon I may not even have that.I see the next two months as possibly my last run up the mountain and if I'm going out it's gonna be with a fuckin' vengeance.
''She is death,she is life''
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