For the better part of ten years I've been mildly tormented by a strange loss. I say mildly because finally as my understanding grew, it became easier to face.
It is only now that I truly feel like I understand how, or why. Something seemingly so insignificant from the outside changed the way I would see myself and my surroundings.
How many years did I waste pining for days gone by, for the things that I truly believed in my heart were supposed to be, but weren't? I used to sit on my front step of my old house watching the road, waiting... what was I waiting for? Some imagined knight in shining armor to sweep me up and save me from the wreckage my life had become?
I wandered through the last decade in semi awareness, unwilling to face reality, holding on to some hope that what I had lost would return. If only I knew exactly what it was I was missing. A person does strange things to fill a void they feel inside. I sometimes think everyone, to some extent, feels a spot of emptiness, a setting waiting for it's diamond. I've tried to jam everything from cut glass to chewing gum in that setting, but it was still no diamond.
As I lay awake last night, no doubt sifting through a mental home movie double feature as I often do when I feel the need for emotional distraction, I suddenly realized what I had already known all along. I wasn't searching, pining for a person, or a place, or even a feeling but a connection, something deep, waay deep.
The gestalt. Two people can create the perfect gestalt. What I failed to realize was that this kind of gestalt can only be found in Agape love. The kind of love that a person is most likely never able to fully achieve. At least not more than once in a lifetime.
Life goes on, so do I. I am still the setting without the right stone. Perhaps I will always crave that level of connection that I've experienced only once in my life. Maybe then, that;s what the game is all about. Connecting in that perfect gestalt?
It is only now that I truly feel like I understand how, or why. Something seemingly so insignificant from the outside changed the way I would see myself and my surroundings.
How many years did I waste pining for days gone by, for the things that I truly believed in my heart were supposed to be, but weren't? I used to sit on my front step of my old house watching the road, waiting... what was I waiting for? Some imagined knight in shining armor to sweep me up and save me from the wreckage my life had become?
I wandered through the last decade in semi awareness, unwilling to face reality, holding on to some hope that what I had lost would return. If only I knew exactly what it was I was missing. A person does strange things to fill a void they feel inside. I sometimes think everyone, to some extent, feels a spot of emptiness, a setting waiting for it's diamond. I've tried to jam everything from cut glass to chewing gum in that setting, but it was still no diamond.
As I lay awake last night, no doubt sifting through a mental home movie double feature as I often do when I feel the need for emotional distraction, I suddenly realized what I had already known all along. I wasn't searching, pining for a person, or a place, or even a feeling but a connection, something deep, waay deep.
The gestalt. Two people can create the perfect gestalt. What I failed to realize was that this kind of gestalt can only be found in Agape love. The kind of love that a person is most likely never able to fully achieve. At least not more than once in a lifetime.
Life goes on, so do I. I am still the setting without the right stone. Perhaps I will always crave that level of connection that I've experienced only once in my life. Maybe then, that;s what the game is all about. Connecting in that perfect gestalt?
