In addition to my devestation about my mom's death, because she was my mom, and how much we loved each other, I'm coming to realize what another serious problem I'm having is..
I now have a lack of anyone who is really on my side. During my life, whenever I was attacked by my father, my grandmother, uncle, or anyone else, my mom would go to bat for me. I know that as an adult I'm supposed to fend for myself emotionally, and I do, but for example.
Had my dad died first, and had I been feeling the devestation I felt when my mom died, there is no way she would have allowed anyone in her family to attack him so soon after his death, while I was still in mourning. She would have taken that family member to task. I've posted on here about the first cousin of my father';s, who attacked my mom in such an uncivilized way, 24 hrs after her funeral, and how my father just justifed it. This has been a pattern. Every time someone in his family attacked me, at any time, it was fine. This was a large cause of our long estrangement.
Cheryl's perpetual bragging about how she loved my father;s mother. Cheryl knows I was estranged from my grandmother for 17 years, and that my grandmother is a sore subject, so why is it necessary for her to keep rubbing her closeness to my grandmother in my face.
The bottom line, with my mom, Mitch came first, always. With my father, its Cheryl, my uncle, my dead grandmother, his cousins, his friends, etc, and then, somewhere at the end of the list, is Mitch.
I have no choice but to accept it. The person who loved me the most in the world, my biggest advocate of all, is gone, and will never come back.
Hopefully, when I'm ready, I can meet a girl who I will be mutual advocates with. Such is why I refuse to meet any of the friends of the daughter of the cousin who insulted my mom. These people hate my guts, so why would I engage in personal relationships with their friends?
Anyhow, thats all. I just came to this realization, and it is terribly painful.
Mitch
I now have a lack of anyone who is really on my side. During my life, whenever I was attacked by my father, my grandmother, uncle, or anyone else, my mom would go to bat for me. I know that as an adult I'm supposed to fend for myself emotionally, and I do, but for example.
Had my dad died first, and had I been feeling the devestation I felt when my mom died, there is no way she would have allowed anyone in her family to attack him so soon after his death, while I was still in mourning. She would have taken that family member to task. I've posted on here about the first cousin of my father';s, who attacked my mom in such an uncivilized way, 24 hrs after her funeral, and how my father just justifed it. This has been a pattern. Every time someone in his family attacked me, at any time, it was fine. This was a large cause of our long estrangement.
Cheryl's perpetual bragging about how she loved my father;s mother. Cheryl knows I was estranged from my grandmother for 17 years, and that my grandmother is a sore subject, so why is it necessary for her to keep rubbing her closeness to my grandmother in my face.
The bottom line, with my mom, Mitch came first, always. With my father, its Cheryl, my uncle, my dead grandmother, his cousins, his friends, etc, and then, somewhere at the end of the list, is Mitch.
I have no choice but to accept it. The person who loved me the most in the world, my biggest advocate of all, is gone, and will never come back.
Hopefully, when I'm ready, I can meet a girl who I will be mutual advocates with. Such is why I refuse to meet any of the friends of the daughter of the cousin who insulted my mom. These people hate my guts, so why would I engage in personal relationships with their friends?
Anyhow, thats all. I just came to this realization, and it is terribly painful.
Mitch
