Anyone who knows me well enough knows that my past with my family has been a turbulent one. My father is in prison for the third time for theft and drug possession. My Mamaw is the ever-optimistic supporter of his childish behavior and lifestyle. She pressures me to include him in my life and accept whatever bullshit he throws my way. For that, I've had to cut her out of my life, and consequently my Papaw, because he supports her and doesn't want to have anything to do with me if I'm not including my Mamaw.
When I was a child I saw my grandparents every other weekend and then some. They were my role models. The closest relatives I had other than my own mother. My Papaw especially was my knight in shining armor. He was the closest thing I had to a father. I worshipped him, and he doted on me. They were my world. I moved to Kentucky, leaving them 200 miles behind in Nashville, Tennessee. I saw them once a month, if that, but we still had a relationship.
When I was 16, I was visiting my grandparents and my father. My father did some horrible things that couldn't be forgiven. My grandmother stuck up for him and played a sympathy card. My grandpa wouldn't let me leave a bad situation because he wanted me around with him. I couldn't be around them anymore. It was unhealthy and potentially dangerous. For three years I didn't speak to any of them. Then last year I re-established contact with my Mamaw and Papaw under the condition that I wouldn't have contact with my father. It was a beautiful reunion. It was familiar and comfortable and warm. Then my grandmother put my father on the phone with me one night...without asking. Again, I broke contact.
Today I called them again. I talked to my grandparents for the first time in almost a year. I was struck by how tired and .... old my Mamaw sounded on the phone. She has health problems. I realize I could lose her at any time...and I have no relationship with her anymore. We talked, we shared, we missed one another.
Then my Papaw got on the phone. I was overcome with emotion. His familiar voice, his concern for me, his unconditional love just radiated through the phone and touched my heart. He said, "hey baby girl -- when are you coming down to see me?" And all of a sudden I wanted to make the time to see them. I wanted to leave the safety of my house and I wanted to hug my grandparents. I promised him I would come down as soon as I possibly could. My Papaw is a truck driver and apparently he visits a town about 15 minutes away from me every Tuesday. Imagine that. Every Tuesday he comes to Kentucky and had I made even the slightest effort to contact them I could have at least seen my Papaw. Smelled his musky scent. Kissed his bearded cheek. Hugged the only father figure that I had until I turned 10 for the first time in almost a year.
My phone started to die so I had to get off the phone. As I said my goodbyes my Papaw said "I love you, Virginia."
"I love you, too, Papaw."
"I miss you..."
"I miss you, too."
"....I really miss you. Come see me soon, okay?"
When I got off the phone, I just broke down. I know it may seem silly for me to become so emotional. It's my fault that I broke contact. But to hear my Papaw just accept my abandonment and embrace me in this unconditional love just kills me. He means so much to me and I feel as if I've been a terrible person. Granted, he's made some mistakes. Horrible ones. But he's human. And he clearly loves me. And so does my grandmother. Neither of them mentioned a thing about us not talking. Just caught me up, told me they loved me, and missed me.
I guess I write this to remind myself how much I miss them, and how much they mean to me. I don't want to walk away from this and let go of this feeling. I don't want to put off seeing them. I want to be a part of their lives and for them to be a part of mine.
I just need to remember this feeling and live up to it.
When I was a child I saw my grandparents every other weekend and then some. They were my role models. The closest relatives I had other than my own mother. My Papaw especially was my knight in shining armor. He was the closest thing I had to a father. I worshipped him, and he doted on me. They were my world. I moved to Kentucky, leaving them 200 miles behind in Nashville, Tennessee. I saw them once a month, if that, but we still had a relationship.
When I was 16, I was visiting my grandparents and my father. My father did some horrible things that couldn't be forgiven. My grandmother stuck up for him and played a sympathy card. My grandpa wouldn't let me leave a bad situation because he wanted me around with him. I couldn't be around them anymore. It was unhealthy and potentially dangerous. For three years I didn't speak to any of them. Then last year I re-established contact with my Mamaw and Papaw under the condition that I wouldn't have contact with my father. It was a beautiful reunion. It was familiar and comfortable and warm. Then my grandmother put my father on the phone with me one night...without asking. Again, I broke contact.
Today I called them again. I talked to my grandparents for the first time in almost a year. I was struck by how tired and .... old my Mamaw sounded on the phone. She has health problems. I realize I could lose her at any time...and I have no relationship with her anymore. We talked, we shared, we missed one another.
Then my Papaw got on the phone. I was overcome with emotion. His familiar voice, his concern for me, his unconditional love just radiated through the phone and touched my heart. He said, "hey baby girl -- when are you coming down to see me?" And all of a sudden I wanted to make the time to see them. I wanted to leave the safety of my house and I wanted to hug my grandparents. I promised him I would come down as soon as I possibly could. My Papaw is a truck driver and apparently he visits a town about 15 minutes away from me every Tuesday. Imagine that. Every Tuesday he comes to Kentucky and had I made even the slightest effort to contact them I could have at least seen my Papaw. Smelled his musky scent. Kissed his bearded cheek. Hugged the only father figure that I had until I turned 10 for the first time in almost a year.
My phone started to die so I had to get off the phone. As I said my goodbyes my Papaw said "I love you, Virginia."
"I love you, too, Papaw."
"I miss you..."
"I miss you, too."
"....I really miss you. Come see me soon, okay?"
When I got off the phone, I just broke down. I know it may seem silly for me to become so emotional. It's my fault that I broke contact. But to hear my Papaw just accept my abandonment and embrace me in this unconditional love just kills me. He means so much to me and I feel as if I've been a terrible person. Granted, he's made some mistakes. Horrible ones. But he's human. And he clearly loves me. And so does my grandmother. Neither of them mentioned a thing about us not talking. Just caught me up, told me they loved me, and missed me.
I guess I write this to remind myself how much I miss them, and how much they mean to me. I don't want to walk away from this and let go of this feeling. I don't want to put off seeing them. I want to be a part of their lives and for them to be a part of mine.
I just need to remember this feeling and live up to it.
