I'm a switch. There, I said it. Okay, not some big confession in the wider scope of my tickling kink and other interests, sure, but something that seasons my life with a pinch of bitterness mixed in with all the sweetness. Just to be clear, since everyone likes to have their nuances in defining kink-related terms, for me, being a switch simply means I like to give or receive, tickle or be tickled, depending upon my mood. I suppose in some ways switch is just another word being used in attempt to better define one's own identity in the kink world, and while it does accomplish that at some level, like many words intended for the same, it can just as easily misrepresent you by taking on its own life in other people's minds.
Over time, I've noticed a lot of switches seemingly finding the term inadequate to fully convey their role in the tickling world. It's become more popular to see switches, sometimes not even calling themselves switches, referring to the percentage of their interest in each of the two roles. For example, my wife has identified as 70/30 (lee/ler) switch, indicating that she is a switch, where 70% of the time she feels like a lee. However even with that designation, some might use it differently. For example, someone might want to be a lee as often as a ler, but say 70% for lee because they feel more connected to that role or that it's that much more enjoyable to them. I personally identify as a 50/50 switch. To me, that means I essentially enjoy both roles equally, and tend to be balanced in how often I want to experience each.
It took me a lot longer to accept my lee side in a world where males are predominantly lers and females encompass the majority of the lees. Though I'm still guarded about it, I love taking on the lee role as much as being a ler, but I have encountered one unexpected and unfortunate consequence of starting to identify as a 50/50 switch in the tickling world. Sometimes it comes up explicitly in conversation, while other times it's a more subtle read on how the person interacts with me. What I'm referring to is that some ticklephiles seem to interpret (whether subconsciously or through intentional contemplation) me being a switch as each role being compromised by the other. It seems as though, in their minds, me being a 50/50 switch means I'm at best a mediocre ler, and probably not ticklish or adventurous enough to be a fun lee. I think for the majority who identify as largely leaning one way or the other, the idea of someone being balanced in the two roles, while still having a strong identity in each is not so intuitive. It's easy to be left feeling like I am not accepted in either role, and can be frustrating at times.
But I am a ler! And I am a lee! As a tickler, I can be gentle, sensual and teasing, or I can be intense, torturous, and, well, wicked! As a lee, I can enjoy all the range of tickling sensations, but I definitely can be very ticklish and prefer extreme intensity. I've been playing with other ways to convey my tickling roles more clearly (without having to write an entire article about it!). One thing I've been using lately is to say I'm a 50/50 switch, but it's more like 100/100 because when I'm in one of those roles, I'm all in. I've thought about calling myself a flexible switch because I tend to mirror the play partner's energy (i.e., if they are in a very lee mood, I'm going to strongly gravitate to a ler mood and vice versa). But I'm afraid that term might give the unwanted signal that I'll indiscriminately play with anyone.
Am I overthinking all of this? Absolutely! That's just what I do–Don't be alarmed. Maybe I am divided a bit. I mean, I still do engage in both roles at full capacity, it can be fatiguing or just feel like I'm carrying a lot in being both. I love being a switch, but there's a big part of me that is very envious of someone who can simply say, "I am a ler!" or "I am a lee!" This very much mirrors my non-kink life. For lack of a less-pretentious word, some might refer to me as a polymath: Someone with high aptitude in many different disciplines or areas of study. I try not to share that very much in the real world because I'm very self conscious of it. My mind is painfully on overdrive most of the time (in fact, tickling is one of the few things that calms it down!). My attention feels divided among so many interests and activities that I can easily feel overloaded by it, and even physically sick from it. I think that, being my default way of experiencing the world, has become true in my kink experience as well. Sometimes I wish I could just be a salesman or an accountant. Sometimes I wish I could just be a ler or a lee, singularly focused in a well-defined role. Of course, that's most definitely an oversimplification. Because it doesn't come naturally to me, I'm always chasing simplicity, and the beauty and comfort it seems to bring.
But I'll say it again. I love being a switch. For as much as I experience envy of the non-switches, sometimes I also experience a bit of disconnect and frustration about the multitude of strict lees and lers. I can't help but wonder how many would be more likely to identify as a switch of some kind, given more experience, or the right experience? How many are one or the other because they've just been validated in that role? How many aren't interested in the opposing role because of some negative or traumatic event at one time or another? This is not a frustration with the individuals involved, nor a critical judgement of them, but rather a frustration with the occasional challenge in fully relating to each other. Some strict lers and lees can come off as selfish to a switch, being so focused on the part they are interested in, while some switches can come off as wanting something extra that the others have no interest in. I think because a lot of times that energy exchange is unbalanced, it leaves a lot of assumptions by each about the other.
My wife and I, who like to have sessions with others, have found that our expectations as switches have needed adjustment. It's difficult enough to find what you're looking for in a tickling session play partner, especially as a married couple with boundaries, so any room for flexibility needs to be considered without compromising our core values. One area we've been exploring more flexibly is being more willing to entertain sessions with those that are strict lers or lees. Of course we still prefer switches, because we ideally want both experiences with a play partner, but we are able to participate in only one role during a session if needed. We recently had a session with a woman who, while admitting to having some lee in her, mainly identified as being a ler. Going into it, this experience felt like a good, safe way to explore our new flexible criteria. Now, I know that I tend to mirror my play partner's mood, but this was my first experience with someone who was more strongly aligned as a ler. I even surprised myself at how exciting it was and how strongly I snapped into lee mode. But not only did we have a fantastic time, she had such a good connection with us that she felt comfortable getting lots of lee attention. It was very unexpected and rewarding for all of us!
A lot of this, and most things I write, are in part written as a way for me to process things on my mind. But for the reader, I hope it made you think about something new and helpful. Maybe you'll consider or reconsider how you identify yourself in the tickling community or other communities. I hope that if you are able, you will consider flexibility at some level or another for your future meetups and sessions. I hope that when interacting online, we all make a little less assumptions about what a few words say about what someone's true identity may be. And most of all, I hope that all of us have more frequent fulfilling tickling experiences going forward.
If you read all of this, thank you for enduring my ramblings on incidental details about nearly nothing. Life is not nearly this complicated, but I am!
Over time, I've noticed a lot of switches seemingly finding the term inadequate to fully convey their role in the tickling world. It's become more popular to see switches, sometimes not even calling themselves switches, referring to the percentage of their interest in each of the two roles. For example, my wife has identified as 70/30 (lee/ler) switch, indicating that she is a switch, where 70% of the time she feels like a lee. However even with that designation, some might use it differently. For example, someone might want to be a lee as often as a ler, but say 70% for lee because they feel more connected to that role or that it's that much more enjoyable to them. I personally identify as a 50/50 switch. To me, that means I essentially enjoy both roles equally, and tend to be balanced in how often I want to experience each.
It took me a lot longer to accept my lee side in a world where males are predominantly lers and females encompass the majority of the lees. Though I'm still guarded about it, I love taking on the lee role as much as being a ler, but I have encountered one unexpected and unfortunate consequence of starting to identify as a 50/50 switch in the tickling world. Sometimes it comes up explicitly in conversation, while other times it's a more subtle read on how the person interacts with me. What I'm referring to is that some ticklephiles seem to interpret (whether subconsciously or through intentional contemplation) me being a switch as each role being compromised by the other. It seems as though, in their minds, me being a 50/50 switch means I'm at best a mediocre ler, and probably not ticklish or adventurous enough to be a fun lee. I think for the majority who identify as largely leaning one way or the other, the idea of someone being balanced in the two roles, while still having a strong identity in each is not so intuitive. It's easy to be left feeling like I am not accepted in either role, and can be frustrating at times.
But I am a ler! And I am a lee! As a tickler, I can be gentle, sensual and teasing, or I can be intense, torturous, and, well, wicked! As a lee, I can enjoy all the range of tickling sensations, but I definitely can be very ticklish and prefer extreme intensity. I've been playing with other ways to convey my tickling roles more clearly (without having to write an entire article about it!). One thing I've been using lately is to say I'm a 50/50 switch, but it's more like 100/100 because when I'm in one of those roles, I'm all in. I've thought about calling myself a flexible switch because I tend to mirror the play partner's energy (i.e., if they are in a very lee mood, I'm going to strongly gravitate to a ler mood and vice versa). But I'm afraid that term might give the unwanted signal that I'll indiscriminately play with anyone.
Am I overthinking all of this? Absolutely! That's just what I do–Don't be alarmed. Maybe I am divided a bit. I mean, I still do engage in both roles at full capacity, it can be fatiguing or just feel like I'm carrying a lot in being both. I love being a switch, but there's a big part of me that is very envious of someone who can simply say, "I am a ler!" or "I am a lee!" This very much mirrors my non-kink life. For lack of a less-pretentious word, some might refer to me as a polymath: Someone with high aptitude in many different disciplines or areas of study. I try not to share that very much in the real world because I'm very self conscious of it. My mind is painfully on overdrive most of the time (in fact, tickling is one of the few things that calms it down!). My attention feels divided among so many interests and activities that I can easily feel overloaded by it, and even physically sick from it. I think that, being my default way of experiencing the world, has become true in my kink experience as well. Sometimes I wish I could just be a salesman or an accountant. Sometimes I wish I could just be a ler or a lee, singularly focused in a well-defined role. Of course, that's most definitely an oversimplification. Because it doesn't come naturally to me, I'm always chasing simplicity, and the beauty and comfort it seems to bring.
But I'll say it again. I love being a switch. For as much as I experience envy of the non-switches, sometimes I also experience a bit of disconnect and frustration about the multitude of strict lees and lers. I can't help but wonder how many would be more likely to identify as a switch of some kind, given more experience, or the right experience? How many are one or the other because they've just been validated in that role? How many aren't interested in the opposing role because of some negative or traumatic event at one time or another? This is not a frustration with the individuals involved, nor a critical judgement of them, but rather a frustration with the occasional challenge in fully relating to each other. Some strict lers and lees can come off as selfish to a switch, being so focused on the part they are interested in, while some switches can come off as wanting something extra that the others have no interest in. I think because a lot of times that energy exchange is unbalanced, it leaves a lot of assumptions by each about the other.
My wife and I, who like to have sessions with others, have found that our expectations as switches have needed adjustment. It's difficult enough to find what you're looking for in a tickling session play partner, especially as a married couple with boundaries, so any room for flexibility needs to be considered without compromising our core values. One area we've been exploring more flexibly is being more willing to entertain sessions with those that are strict lers or lees. Of course we still prefer switches, because we ideally want both experiences with a play partner, but we are able to participate in only one role during a session if needed. We recently had a session with a woman who, while admitting to having some lee in her, mainly identified as being a ler. Going into it, this experience felt like a good, safe way to explore our new flexible criteria. Now, I know that I tend to mirror my play partner's mood, but this was my first experience with someone who was more strongly aligned as a ler. I even surprised myself at how exciting it was and how strongly I snapped into lee mode. But not only did we have a fantastic time, she had such a good connection with us that she felt comfortable getting lots of lee attention. It was very unexpected and rewarding for all of us!
A lot of this, and most things I write, are in part written as a way for me to process things on my mind. But for the reader, I hope it made you think about something new and helpful. Maybe you'll consider or reconsider how you identify yourself in the tickling community or other communities. I hope that if you are able, you will consider flexibility at some level or another for your future meetups and sessions. I hope that when interacting online, we all make a little less assumptions about what a few words say about what someone's true identity may be. And most of all, I hope that all of us have more frequent fulfilling tickling experiences going forward.
If you read all of this, thank you for enduring my ramblings on incidental details about nearly nothing. Life is not nearly this complicated, but I am!
