I'm convinced of something. All the current feelings I'm having..about my relatives.. the friction I have with them, etc, is all punishment on me, by the Greater Force.. for how I treated my mom, both during her illness, and during her life in general.
I think.. about how much alike we were, and how many things she taught me.. not only the usual "Parent helps small child", but even in adulthood.
Although I was always sort of interested in history, and the presidents, from the time I was a small child, it wasn't really until Bill Clinton ran for president, that I really began to pay attention to the current candidate/president. Granted, that was during my senior year in college, and our campus was energized by him. My mom, lifelong Democrat that she was.. advised me.. "Mitch, maybe you should watch this guy Clinton. He';s young. You always admired Jack Kennedy. Clinton is like a modern day Jack Kennedy". Sure enough, I watched him, and he became my favorite president.
The same held true with my favorite newsman from Philly, Jim Gardner.. When we moved to Lancaster, all the news people down there, bored me. As I've posted, when I first watched Jim Gardner, I thought him "Lame". My mom advised me "He's not lame, he's intelligent, give him a chance". Sure enough, I continued to watch him, and really enjoyed him. Fifteen years later, and two years after I moved to a different city 100 miles from where he is shown on TV, I still watch him, every night, thanks to Jeff. I know that Mr Gardner is getting up there in years. He will be 66 in a few weeks. I dread the day he announces his retirement. I'm hoping that isn't for many years.
When she had cancer, and needed me most.. yes. I was physically there for her, but, I've posted about my behavior to her in summer of 2011. My attitude was so bad.. that her doctor wanted to send me home.
I've posted how my father is constantly criticizing me. I hurt my back today, so I cant go to the gym, for a while. He called me a bit ago, to inquire about my condition. I told him. "I'm hurt, please leave me alone about the gym". He snapped at me.. saying "Who called to ask about the gym",. and hung up, I guess, I'm so conditioned, to him criticizing me all the time, and his important relationships, with everyone in his family who acts hatefully to me, that I got defensive. I sent him an email apologizing.
I don't know what will make this feel better.
I remain convinced that there is an afterlife, and, that my mom is having the time of her life with our departed relatives, and probably doesn't even miss me that much. I've posted how I feel a squeezing/pressure on my hands the morning of April 4th 2014. Maybe she just came to visit for a minute.,
To put into perspective how bad this is. My feelings when that cold ER doctor in Lancaster General, told me on the morning of Feb 13, 2012, that my mom had brain tumors, and was going to die soon after, were worse, then if someone told me I had a brain tumor, and was going to die. I felt like I had an actual out of body experience.
I know that my mom is gone, and is never coming back.
Im hopeful that some of the things I'm working on come to fruitation.
My two best friends understand how I feel. It's sad that my relatives don't.
I think.. about how much alike we were, and how many things she taught me.. not only the usual "Parent helps small child", but even in adulthood.
Although I was always sort of interested in history, and the presidents, from the time I was a small child, it wasn't really until Bill Clinton ran for president, that I really began to pay attention to the current candidate/president. Granted, that was during my senior year in college, and our campus was energized by him. My mom, lifelong Democrat that she was.. advised me.. "Mitch, maybe you should watch this guy Clinton. He';s young. You always admired Jack Kennedy. Clinton is like a modern day Jack Kennedy". Sure enough, I watched him, and he became my favorite president.
The same held true with my favorite newsman from Philly, Jim Gardner.. When we moved to Lancaster, all the news people down there, bored me. As I've posted, when I first watched Jim Gardner, I thought him "Lame". My mom advised me "He's not lame, he's intelligent, give him a chance". Sure enough, I continued to watch him, and really enjoyed him. Fifteen years later, and two years after I moved to a different city 100 miles from where he is shown on TV, I still watch him, every night, thanks to Jeff. I know that Mr Gardner is getting up there in years. He will be 66 in a few weeks. I dread the day he announces his retirement. I'm hoping that isn't for many years.
When she had cancer, and needed me most.. yes. I was physically there for her, but, I've posted about my behavior to her in summer of 2011. My attitude was so bad.. that her doctor wanted to send me home.
I've posted how my father is constantly criticizing me. I hurt my back today, so I cant go to the gym, for a while. He called me a bit ago, to inquire about my condition. I told him. "I'm hurt, please leave me alone about the gym". He snapped at me.. saying "Who called to ask about the gym",. and hung up, I guess, I'm so conditioned, to him criticizing me all the time, and his important relationships, with everyone in his family who acts hatefully to me, that I got defensive. I sent him an email apologizing.
I don't know what will make this feel better.
I remain convinced that there is an afterlife, and, that my mom is having the time of her life with our departed relatives, and probably doesn't even miss me that much. I've posted how I feel a squeezing/pressure on my hands the morning of April 4th 2014. Maybe she just came to visit for a minute.,
To put into perspective how bad this is. My feelings when that cold ER doctor in Lancaster General, told me on the morning of Feb 13, 2012, that my mom had brain tumors, and was going to die soon after, were worse, then if someone told me I had a brain tumor, and was going to die. I felt like I had an actual out of body experience.
I know that my mom is gone, and is never coming back.
Im hopeful that some of the things I'm working on come to fruitation.
My two best friends understand how I feel. It's sad that my relatives don't.
