The electric memory lamp is lit in my wall outlet.. The light of love is lit in my heart ,, forever..
One year..
One year ago, as the calendar turned to April 4, in a nursing home in Lancaster, PA, a very kind chaplin and I were singing Amazing Grace to my terminally ill beloved mother, who was hours from passing from this world..
I was told.. "Don't go to sleep, Mitch.. Your mom could pass while you are sleeping, and we will have to wake you up to tell you she passed away".
I fought sleep, with every ounce of energy I had left in me. I had been up for the greater part of 48 hours at that point, from the time that my mom was taken from Reading Hospital to the nursing home in Lancaster.
I nodded off, briefly.. but woke up, and my mom was still breathing..
Then.. I knew she had passed away. The nurse quickly ran from the room, to get the doctor.. He came in, and listened to my mom;'s heart. Her wonderful heart had stopped beating. He looked at me, extended his hand, and said to me, "I'm sorry, Mr C, your mother passed away. Please accept my condolences".
I called my father.. It was shortly after 6 in the morning, of April 4, 2012. He answered on the second ring. The words rushed from my mouth,. "She passed away, Dad". He said to me "I'm sorry, Mitch. Today is the first day of the rest of your life".
I called the driver, and waited for him to come. As I got into the car.. he expressed his condolences. We drove to my apartment.. He seemed in disbelief.. saying. "We went through all that, and she still didn't make it".
I went into the apartment that would now be mine, for a little while longer. I e-mailed my mom';s doctors in NJ, who had worked so hard to try and save her life. They quickly replied with sincere condolences. I took a shower, tried to sleep, but couldn't. I posted on TMF about my mom's passing, and received heartfelt support that I always appreciated.
I rode around town with the driver, stopping at all the places where people knew my mom. I told the hair stylists. Kristie, our wonderful, and beautiful, hair stylist, gave me a big hug. I had lunch at the Chinese buffet. The man who owned the buffet, who knew my mom and me for over a decade, was in disbelief. I went to the supermarket, and told the people we knew there. Everyone seemed so somber.
I went home, and began to pack for my weekend in NY, the weekend I would lay my mom to rest, beside our beloved Ethel and Victor, my grandparents.
Every last awful moment of the worst day of my life, April 4, 2012.. the day my mom was taken from me, is still fresh in my mind as if it was yesterday.
I talked to my aunt the artist earlier this evening.. We both agreed that we don't know if we really are feeling very much better than we did on the morning we lost our beloved Sheila.
My aunt said to me,. "She would be upset if she knew how broken hearted you still are".
The emptiness and void will be there forever.
I ask myself the questions none of us know about our departed loved ones. Where is she? Is she okay? Does she know anything about her past life?
Then, there's the guilt. I've documented before my awful behavior to her while we were in NJ in the summer of 2011. She was fighting cancer, trying to stay alive, and I was feeling out of sorts because I didn't have TMF, or Jim Gardner. Of all the terrible things I';ve ever done in my life, that was the most terrible.
I apologized to my mom the night before she died. She said she forgave me. The thing is.,. I cant forgive myself. One day, when I'm judged.. it would be fitting if I were judged most harshly for that behavior alone. I have no defense. I was a slimebag,.. pure and simple.
I just hope and pray.. that if there is a judgement day, an afterlife, and if people are treated in the afterlife in accordance with their behavior in life, that she was viewed upon kindly by the greater force. She was a wonderful person, and i'm not just saying that because she was my mother. She was kind, generous and helpful, to everyone she knew.
I plan to meet one or both of my aunts for lunch today. I hope the day is quiet. I cried some earlier tonight, but.. I just feel a sadness, emptiness, and pain. My aunt the artist tells me I was a wonderful son to my mom, and that I was there for my mom from the beginning of my mom's illness, until the day we laid her to rest. I told my aunt of my awful behavior to my mom. My aunt's reply, that I was all alone, and human, and that anyone would have reacted as I did. I don't know about that, but .. I know she's trying to be supportive.
I will always remember April 4, 2012. The worst day of my life, when the person who loved me the most, was taken from me, after suffering so terribly. .
One year..
One year ago, as the calendar turned to April 4, in a nursing home in Lancaster, PA, a very kind chaplin and I were singing Amazing Grace to my terminally ill beloved mother, who was hours from passing from this world..
I was told.. "Don't go to sleep, Mitch.. Your mom could pass while you are sleeping, and we will have to wake you up to tell you she passed away".
I fought sleep, with every ounce of energy I had left in me. I had been up for the greater part of 48 hours at that point, from the time that my mom was taken from Reading Hospital to the nursing home in Lancaster.
I nodded off, briefly.. but woke up, and my mom was still breathing..
Then.. I knew she had passed away. The nurse quickly ran from the room, to get the doctor.. He came in, and listened to my mom;'s heart. Her wonderful heart had stopped beating. He looked at me, extended his hand, and said to me, "I'm sorry, Mr C, your mother passed away. Please accept my condolences".
I called my father.. It was shortly after 6 in the morning, of April 4, 2012. He answered on the second ring. The words rushed from my mouth,. "She passed away, Dad". He said to me "I'm sorry, Mitch. Today is the first day of the rest of your life".
I called the driver, and waited for him to come. As I got into the car.. he expressed his condolences. We drove to my apartment.. He seemed in disbelief.. saying. "We went through all that, and she still didn't make it".
I went into the apartment that would now be mine, for a little while longer. I e-mailed my mom';s doctors in NJ, who had worked so hard to try and save her life. They quickly replied with sincere condolences. I took a shower, tried to sleep, but couldn't. I posted on TMF about my mom's passing, and received heartfelt support that I always appreciated.
I rode around town with the driver, stopping at all the places where people knew my mom. I told the hair stylists. Kristie, our wonderful, and beautiful, hair stylist, gave me a big hug. I had lunch at the Chinese buffet. The man who owned the buffet, who knew my mom and me for over a decade, was in disbelief. I went to the supermarket, and told the people we knew there. Everyone seemed so somber.
I went home, and began to pack for my weekend in NY, the weekend I would lay my mom to rest, beside our beloved Ethel and Victor, my grandparents.
Every last awful moment of the worst day of my life, April 4, 2012.. the day my mom was taken from me, is still fresh in my mind as if it was yesterday.
I talked to my aunt the artist earlier this evening.. We both agreed that we don't know if we really are feeling very much better than we did on the morning we lost our beloved Sheila.
My aunt said to me,. "She would be upset if she knew how broken hearted you still are".
The emptiness and void will be there forever.
I ask myself the questions none of us know about our departed loved ones. Where is she? Is she okay? Does she know anything about her past life?
Then, there's the guilt. I've documented before my awful behavior to her while we were in NJ in the summer of 2011. She was fighting cancer, trying to stay alive, and I was feeling out of sorts because I didn't have TMF, or Jim Gardner. Of all the terrible things I';ve ever done in my life, that was the most terrible.
I apologized to my mom the night before she died. She said she forgave me. The thing is.,. I cant forgive myself. One day, when I'm judged.. it would be fitting if I were judged most harshly for that behavior alone. I have no defense. I was a slimebag,.. pure and simple.
I just hope and pray.. that if there is a judgement day, an afterlife, and if people are treated in the afterlife in accordance with their behavior in life, that she was viewed upon kindly by the greater force. She was a wonderful person, and i'm not just saying that because she was my mother. She was kind, generous and helpful, to everyone she knew.
I plan to meet one or both of my aunts for lunch today. I hope the day is quiet. I cried some earlier tonight, but.. I just feel a sadness, emptiness, and pain. My aunt the artist tells me I was a wonderful son to my mom, and that I was there for my mom from the beginning of my mom's illness, until the day we laid her to rest. I told my aunt of my awful behavior to my mom. My aunt's reply, that I was all alone, and human, and that anyone would have reacted as I did. I don't know about that, but .. I know she's trying to be supportive.
I will always remember April 4, 2012. The worst day of my life, when the person who loved me the most, was taken from me, after suffering so terribly. .
