An explanation about things posted in the blogs by me.. I'm not sure if anyone can see or understand this.. but.. maybe if I spell it out.. it can be more clear.
I realize that I posted some ill advised rants, in the main forum, about my father, before I started blogging here. That was unwise.
When my mom was alive.. we were each other's rocks. Even if I was having a bad day.. altercation.. or bad spell with my father.. I could always discuss it with her. We stood by each other through thick and thin.
Such is why I will never forgive myself for my behavior to her in the summer of 2011. She was fighting what turned out to be a deadly disease, and I was acting selfish. Of all the things I've ever done.. that was the worst.
Now that she;'s gone..
I really am all alone. I appreciate, and feel thankful that my father is paying for my apartment.. but.. in spite of his momentary sense of expression of how bad he feels that I'm working so hard, and not passing the exam.. his mode toward me doesn't change.
He is best friends with my worst enemies.. He repeatedly attacks my mom. He negates the disappointments I've had, blames her for everything, and has no self accountability.
My aunts: Useless and non existent. The astrologer doesn't want to talk to me. The artist.. brushes everything but herself off,. She can rant about her problems non stop, but if I talk about anything.. I have to "Forget about it". Her life also revolves around her many hours of TV a night, much more than my Jim Gardner. I don't memorize her show schedule, and she gets positively nasty if I call, and she's watching something.
My friend Adam: Very nice man, but isn't around all the time.
My friend Barney: Always does what's good for him.
I don't have a significant other.
I honestly don't know if I will pass the exam.. No matter how hard I try.. it falls into my weak spot. I didn't do well on the SAT, even though I did very well in college. The insurance exam is exactly like the SAT.. twisted, fucked up questions that aren't asked in straight fashion, and want to twist the thought process of how one learned the information.
What Maria did is a great disappointment to me.
I cant say that I'm exactly a good catch for a girl.
I was starting to feel better.. but.. with each failed exam.. and the continued frustrations with my family.. I find depression setting in.
I'm probably going to spend Thanksgiving alone.
My father MUST see his cousins for every holiday. If I haven't passed the exam by then.. I'm best not seeing those people. They have been vicious to me, and he has no reaction to it. If I'm upset from not being able to pass the exam, and his two first cousins open their mouths to me as they have.. I'm going to tell the two bitches both to go fuck themselves. While my father "Says" he would understand that.. I have no reason to believe him. His reaction to how they, and my uncle.. treated me in the past 18 months.. after I was so gracious and forgiving to them.. is positively sick. I need to keep the peace with him and Cheryl.. so I think the wisest course is not to go. Be alone one day.. to save peace long term.
I have absolutely no reason to believe the old mantra of "God helps those who helps themselves".
How did he help me?
I did many businesses.. to no avail.
I watched my mom go through such suffering.. We both sacrificed so much.. with the prayer of extending her life.. and her life was not extended at all.
I thought to myself "I need to be forgiving to my father and his family.. If I'm a grudge holder.. I will deserve anything I get from them".
What did I get for my "Forgiveness"?
Abuse from my father, my uncle, and cousins.
I approached powerful sources about the business I really wanted to do.. to be ignored.. and then to be belittled by my father that my disappointment was nothing.
I bust my ass.. every day,.,. reading,. and taking tests, for the insurance exam.. and I can not even pass that.
No one will ever convince me of the "God helps those who helps themselves".
Something else I know, and before I post this.. I want to make crystal clear that I';m not posting this with thoughts of suicide or plans of anything in mind.. merely musing.
If something happened to Mitch.. even.,. natural death.. One of my seizures killed me, stroke, heart attack, etc..
There is no one in my real ,life who would care.,
My father.. would merely shed one tear over my grave, and take the excess money and take more trips.
My aunts.. maybe one tear both.. and go back to obsessing about themselves.
Barney and Adam would thankfully have their other best friends.
The people that would have really cared, my mom, and grandparents., are side by side by side. on Mount Hebron Cemetery.
Aside from paying for the apartment.. if my Dad really "cared". he would have done the following.
Respected my wishes when I asked him not to attack my mom. Realizing that she';s dead, and I grieve her loss.
Not ingraitiate, and justify.. everyone in his family who was so vicious to me after I was so forgiving to them.
Spent a bit of time with his son.. A weekend, maybe a trip.. to get me to a different environment.. and maybe take my mind off things.
I'm going to keep busting my head for the next week.. to try and pass this exam..
My gut tells me.. that honestly..
I will probably fall short.
Because..
Its something that Mitch wants for his future. to better his life.. and such never happens. Mitch doesn't get what he wants for his future. If I did, Market America would have worked, and/or the president of the company would have listened to me when I approached him about the potentially lucrative business idea that I have. Neither of those things happened.
I have until next Thursday. When I was told that Aflac wants me to pass it as soon as possible.. I would have to believe I'm going to be told after they gave me weeks on end to pass it,. that.. I gave a nice try.. but time is up.
If such happens, I will be very upset. but.. after what I went through since 2010, it will be like a hard blow.. not a crushing one.
Anyhow that's all. I hope I'm not going to be ripped. I kept this out of the main forum, and for anyone who is thinking of ripping me, think of how you would feel.. if you were in my shoes. and you had absolutely no one.. and kept having heartbreak with life events, family members you tried to be gracious to.. and goals you wanted to accomplish.
I realize that I posted some ill advised rants, in the main forum, about my father, before I started blogging here. That was unwise.
When my mom was alive.. we were each other's rocks. Even if I was having a bad day.. altercation.. or bad spell with my father.. I could always discuss it with her. We stood by each other through thick and thin.
Such is why I will never forgive myself for my behavior to her in the summer of 2011. She was fighting what turned out to be a deadly disease, and I was acting selfish. Of all the things I've ever done.. that was the worst.
Now that she;'s gone..
I really am all alone. I appreciate, and feel thankful that my father is paying for my apartment.. but.. in spite of his momentary sense of expression of how bad he feels that I'm working so hard, and not passing the exam.. his mode toward me doesn't change.
He is best friends with my worst enemies.. He repeatedly attacks my mom. He negates the disappointments I've had, blames her for everything, and has no self accountability.
My aunts: Useless and non existent. The astrologer doesn't want to talk to me. The artist.. brushes everything but herself off,. She can rant about her problems non stop, but if I talk about anything.. I have to "Forget about it". Her life also revolves around her many hours of TV a night, much more than my Jim Gardner. I don't memorize her show schedule, and she gets positively nasty if I call, and she's watching something.
My friend Adam: Very nice man, but isn't around all the time.
My friend Barney: Always does what's good for him.
I don't have a significant other.
I honestly don't know if I will pass the exam.. No matter how hard I try.. it falls into my weak spot. I didn't do well on the SAT, even though I did very well in college. The insurance exam is exactly like the SAT.. twisted, fucked up questions that aren't asked in straight fashion, and want to twist the thought process of how one learned the information.
What Maria did is a great disappointment to me.
I cant say that I'm exactly a good catch for a girl.
I was starting to feel better.. but.. with each failed exam.. and the continued frustrations with my family.. I find depression setting in.
I'm probably going to spend Thanksgiving alone.
My father MUST see his cousins for every holiday. If I haven't passed the exam by then.. I'm best not seeing those people. They have been vicious to me, and he has no reaction to it. If I'm upset from not being able to pass the exam, and his two first cousins open their mouths to me as they have.. I'm going to tell the two bitches both to go fuck themselves. While my father "Says" he would understand that.. I have no reason to believe him. His reaction to how they, and my uncle.. treated me in the past 18 months.. after I was so gracious and forgiving to them.. is positively sick. I need to keep the peace with him and Cheryl.. so I think the wisest course is not to go. Be alone one day.. to save peace long term.
I have absolutely no reason to believe the old mantra of "God helps those who helps themselves".
How did he help me?
I did many businesses.. to no avail.
I watched my mom go through such suffering.. We both sacrificed so much.. with the prayer of extending her life.. and her life was not extended at all.
I thought to myself "I need to be forgiving to my father and his family.. If I'm a grudge holder.. I will deserve anything I get from them".
What did I get for my "Forgiveness"?
Abuse from my father, my uncle, and cousins.
I approached powerful sources about the business I really wanted to do.. to be ignored.. and then to be belittled by my father that my disappointment was nothing.
I bust my ass.. every day,.,. reading,. and taking tests, for the insurance exam.. and I can not even pass that.
No one will ever convince me of the "God helps those who helps themselves".
Something else I know, and before I post this.. I want to make crystal clear that I';m not posting this with thoughts of suicide or plans of anything in mind.. merely musing.
If something happened to Mitch.. even.,. natural death.. One of my seizures killed me, stroke, heart attack, etc..
There is no one in my real ,life who would care.,
My father.. would merely shed one tear over my grave, and take the excess money and take more trips.
My aunts.. maybe one tear both.. and go back to obsessing about themselves.
Barney and Adam would thankfully have their other best friends.
The people that would have really cared, my mom, and grandparents., are side by side by side. on Mount Hebron Cemetery.
Aside from paying for the apartment.. if my Dad really "cared". he would have done the following.
Respected my wishes when I asked him not to attack my mom. Realizing that she';s dead, and I grieve her loss.
Not ingraitiate, and justify.. everyone in his family who was so vicious to me after I was so forgiving to them.
Spent a bit of time with his son.. A weekend, maybe a trip.. to get me to a different environment.. and maybe take my mind off things.
I'm going to keep busting my head for the next week.. to try and pass this exam..
My gut tells me.. that honestly..
I will probably fall short.
Because..
Its something that Mitch wants for his future. to better his life.. and such never happens. Mitch doesn't get what he wants for his future. If I did, Market America would have worked, and/or the president of the company would have listened to me when I approached him about the potentially lucrative business idea that I have. Neither of those things happened.
I have until next Thursday. When I was told that Aflac wants me to pass it as soon as possible.. I would have to believe I'm going to be told after they gave me weeks on end to pass it,. that.. I gave a nice try.. but time is up.
If such happens, I will be very upset. but.. after what I went through since 2010, it will be like a hard blow.. not a crushing one.
Anyhow that's all. I hope I'm not going to be ripped. I kept this out of the main forum, and for anyone who is thinking of ripping me, think of how you would feel.. if you were in my shoes. and you had absolutely no one.. and kept having heartbreak with life events, family members you tried to be gracious to.. and goals you wanted to accomplish.
