Vent, best posted here, to avoid, any or minimal problems.
This isn't about me.. even..
For some reason., this year.. even though it's been over four years since my mom died, and the fifth Mother's Day I'm going to be spending without her.. it just seems.. worse than some of the other years.. both because I;ve gotten over the whole trauma of her being gone, and into the realization that she's really never coming back.. and.. also.. because as I look back, I think there were times that I just didnt treat my mom very well.
Today, I was with my aunt, and she started a whole rant about "My mom;s shopping, and my mom being a clothes horse, etc".
Its like.. She's dead four fucking years, when are you going to let it go?
Even with my father, difficult as our relationship is.
I'll go off on him about himself, his wife, my uncle. family members who are all alive and well, and who dont get along .. now.
My paternal grandmother.. never crosses my lips, except to say., I'm sorry I didnt have a better relationship with her.
For two reasons.
To respect my grandmother's memory, even if we didnt have a good relationship, and to respect my dad's right that he had a relationship with his mother, even if I didnt.
Maybe.. it's because of the massive flaws that all of my living relatives have..
As I look back about my mom.. in.. forty two years.. she did only.. one thing.. to me.. when I felt truly betrayed, and it was the circumstances of how she did it. (It wasnt that she lied to me about her age until I was 26, I didnt care about that) When she told me her real age, I laughed, shrugged my shoulders, and was like "Okay, fine I love you anyway".
It probably doesnt matter that I post about this. It happened over 20 years ago, and considering all the crap that I did to my mom that was far worse than this.. it just goes to show how good of a person she really was.
Shortly before, my college graduation, I went to the college store to charge my cap and gown for graduation.
The store clerk gave me the phone, where as the credit card company told me there was a massive balance on my card.. that I didnt know about.
I was still driving then.. so I had to keep calm., to get home from the campus, and talk to my mom about it.
I came through the door, and was.. screaming at her. I was like "How the fuck could you have done this?".
It wasn't the money that upset me the most.. it was that she didnt tell me there was a problem.
We had a huge argument.. The thing my mom hammered home to me was that she didnt do it intentionally to hurt me, and that she didnt tell me because she didnt want to upset me.
We got money that my father owed us, years later to pay the debt, but as I think back, I guess what I'm trying to say is..
Everyone.. Me, my father, my aunts, even my grandmother at times, treated my mom like such shit.
She did.. one thing .. to Mitch.. in 42 years she and I were together.
I would say that makes her a far better person that any of the relatives she dealt with.
All I ever want to think about when it comes to my mom, is how much I loved her, the wonderful times we shared, how much I miss her, and how I would give anything for her to be here today.
I seriously dont understand why the other members of my family just can t let my mom Rest In Peace.
This.. angers me.. far more than anything that any of them do to me.
I just hope that my mom has a wonderful Mother's Day in Heaven, and that she knows how much her son loved her, and misses her, and how heartbroken I still am that she's not here.
This isn't about me.. even..
For some reason., this year.. even though it's been over four years since my mom died, and the fifth Mother's Day I'm going to be spending without her.. it just seems.. worse than some of the other years.. both because I;ve gotten over the whole trauma of her being gone, and into the realization that she's really never coming back.. and.. also.. because as I look back, I think there were times that I just didnt treat my mom very well.
Today, I was with my aunt, and she started a whole rant about "My mom;s shopping, and my mom being a clothes horse, etc".
Its like.. She's dead four fucking years, when are you going to let it go?
Even with my father, difficult as our relationship is.
I'll go off on him about himself, his wife, my uncle. family members who are all alive and well, and who dont get along .. now.
My paternal grandmother.. never crosses my lips, except to say., I'm sorry I didnt have a better relationship with her.
For two reasons.
To respect my grandmother's memory, even if we didnt have a good relationship, and to respect my dad's right that he had a relationship with his mother, even if I didnt.
Maybe.. it's because of the massive flaws that all of my living relatives have..
As I look back about my mom.. in.. forty two years.. she did only.. one thing.. to me.. when I felt truly betrayed, and it was the circumstances of how she did it. (It wasnt that she lied to me about her age until I was 26, I didnt care about that) When she told me her real age, I laughed, shrugged my shoulders, and was like "Okay, fine I love you anyway".
It probably doesnt matter that I post about this. It happened over 20 years ago, and considering all the crap that I did to my mom that was far worse than this.. it just goes to show how good of a person she really was.
Shortly before, my college graduation, I went to the college store to charge my cap and gown for graduation.
The store clerk gave me the phone, where as the credit card company told me there was a massive balance on my card.. that I didnt know about.
I was still driving then.. so I had to keep calm., to get home from the campus, and talk to my mom about it.
I came through the door, and was.. screaming at her. I was like "How the fuck could you have done this?".
It wasn't the money that upset me the most.. it was that she didnt tell me there was a problem.
We had a huge argument.. The thing my mom hammered home to me was that she didnt do it intentionally to hurt me, and that she didnt tell me because she didnt want to upset me.
We got money that my father owed us, years later to pay the debt, but as I think back, I guess what I'm trying to say is..
Everyone.. Me, my father, my aunts, even my grandmother at times, treated my mom like such shit.
She did.. one thing .. to Mitch.. in 42 years she and I were together.
I would say that makes her a far better person that any of the relatives she dealt with.
All I ever want to think about when it comes to my mom, is how much I loved her, the wonderful times we shared, how much I miss her, and how I would give anything for her to be here today.
I seriously dont understand why the other members of my family just can t let my mom Rest In Peace.
This.. angers me.. far more than anything that any of them do to me.
I just hope that my mom has a wonderful Mother's Day in Heaven, and that she knows how much her son loved her, and misses her, and how heartbroken I still am that she's not here.
