I owe a huge apology to a lot of folks on my sudden and extended withdrawal from society.
As some folks know, I am Bipolar (along with a few other wonderful and disruptive disorders that contribute their idiosyncrasies to my daily existance). Through years therapy and conditioning I have learned to manage my own symptoms and can handle myself pretty well. But... stress is not my friend and large doses can sometimes trigger my symptoms beyond my coping limits.
I have pretty much done my best to keep my life stress free but life in general sometimes has other plans and agendas. Either that, or the powers that be seem to get bored and decide that I would be great entertainment.
Now, as I said, I have learned to handle my own day to day stress, but when others heap their stress upon me (most of the time without anyone's knowledge or intention), well... the added burden gets to be far more than I can carry. But when your children or your best friends are involved, taking on a bit of their burden is just something a lot of us tend to do to help them ease their load. One or two aren't much to carry, but things can happen far too fast and way too intense and in those times, a person doesn't have the time to put down one burden before another one jumps in the mix... and then another... and another... and another until the last one is added and we buckle.
My stress started as a small snowflake and it drifted down lazily and without anyone's noticing. It sat for a short while before it started to roll downhill. then it moved quickly along, gathering more stress along the way and getting bigger and bigger until it became a full fledged avalanche. That was about the time I looked up. I couldn't get out of the way in time and was hit full force by its weight. To say I was overwhelmed would be understating things a bit as I had not prepared myself for such a blow and it took me by surprise. Up until that point I had been handling things pretty well.
I buckled and sunk like a rock until I hit bottom. Lo and behold, once I got to the bottom, I spied a shovel. Not content with merely hitting bottom, I started to dig until I was far deeper than I have been in a long time and then I laid down and wallowed in it. I not only withdrew into my shell but withdrew from friends, family and life while I healed as best as I could. I laid there in the deep dark for quite awile before I had the strength to claw my way slowly and painfully toward the light.
I am still not quite free, but I am functioning and taking it one day at a time.
So to all of those whom I left, hurt, ignored, disappointed, worried, scared... I can do nothing more than offer my sincerest apologies. I have always said, the only thing worse than having a mental disorder or illness is being the ones who live with the person who has the mental disorder or illness. I have also always said, I don't want to be this way, I never asked to be this way, I hate being this way and would give anything not to be this way.
Sometimes, more often than I'd like... it really sucks to be me.
As some folks know, I am Bipolar (along with a few other wonderful and disruptive disorders that contribute their idiosyncrasies to my daily existance). Through years therapy and conditioning I have learned to manage my own symptoms and can handle myself pretty well. But... stress is not my friend and large doses can sometimes trigger my symptoms beyond my coping limits.
I have pretty much done my best to keep my life stress free but life in general sometimes has other plans and agendas. Either that, or the powers that be seem to get bored and decide that I would be great entertainment.
Now, as I said, I have learned to handle my own day to day stress, but when others heap their stress upon me (most of the time without anyone's knowledge or intention), well... the added burden gets to be far more than I can carry. But when your children or your best friends are involved, taking on a bit of their burden is just something a lot of us tend to do to help them ease their load. One or two aren't much to carry, but things can happen far too fast and way too intense and in those times, a person doesn't have the time to put down one burden before another one jumps in the mix... and then another... and another... and another until the last one is added and we buckle.
My stress started as a small snowflake and it drifted down lazily and without anyone's noticing. It sat for a short while before it started to roll downhill. then it moved quickly along, gathering more stress along the way and getting bigger and bigger until it became a full fledged avalanche. That was about the time I looked up. I couldn't get out of the way in time and was hit full force by its weight. To say I was overwhelmed would be understating things a bit as I had not prepared myself for such a blow and it took me by surprise. Up until that point I had been handling things pretty well.
I buckled and sunk like a rock until I hit bottom. Lo and behold, once I got to the bottom, I spied a shovel. Not content with merely hitting bottom, I started to dig until I was far deeper than I have been in a long time and then I laid down and wallowed in it. I not only withdrew into my shell but withdrew from friends, family and life while I healed as best as I could. I laid there in the deep dark for quite awile before I had the strength to claw my way slowly and painfully toward the light.
I am still not quite free, but I am functioning and taking it one day at a time.
So to all of those whom I left, hurt, ignored, disappointed, worried, scared... I can do nothing more than offer my sincerest apologies. I have always said, the only thing worse than having a mental disorder or illness is being the ones who live with the person who has the mental disorder or illness. I have also always said, I don't want to be this way, I never asked to be this way, I hate being this way and would give anything not to be this way.
Sometimes, more often than I'd like... it really sucks to be me.
