I've been out of sorts for months now. Looking back, it goes back to when my mentor and father figure passed at the end of September last year. Since that happened, I seem to find very little joy in the things I used to. Honestly, I'm not even sure why.
My attitude has been a bit of an oxymoron: I miss my friends, but don't feel right around them, I love my girl but feel distant from her, I love the kid but can't stand to be around her...that sort of thing. Again, I'm not really sure why.
Life hasn't made things easy since he passed either. Money has gotten tighter with each passing week until it feels like a fucking noose around my neck. I struggle constantly to be the strong one around here, keeping the kid in check, helping Stacy to keep from losing it over the whole custody thing, helping my brother have a better outlook (which is kinda hard to do when I don't really have one). Then there is always the lovely thought of the holidays and my mom's death just before Christmas 5 years ago. That's always fun. Now on January 6th, I lost someone that I had known since we were both in diapers. He was a brother, a best friend, a confidant and we were the same age. Poof!! Gone, just like that. Happy fuckin' New Year.
And yet, I continue on, striving to hold it together for everyone else. I don't see myself as being strong, but rather too stubborn to give in. But I feel that stubbornness tends to make me hard and causes me to react to others differently, even to those I care about. This most recent loss has made me a bit harder than normal as I am taking this one pretty badly. But like everything else, I'll get through it.And once I do, there will be a few things I will need to address:
-- There are people both here and where I live, that I feel I have not been much of a friend to lately. I pride myself on being there for my friends, but when they had issues to deal with, I just didn't have it in me to help out. I actually feel a bit ashamed of myself for that, even though I realize that any real friends would not see that in me. Rest assured, when I get my mind right, I plan to make up for not being there.
-- There are people both here and where I live that I thought were truly my friends, but I begin to think otherwise. When simple courtesy seems to be too much of an inconvenience, you can't help but wonder if you really mean as much to that person as they claim. Right now, I have far too much drama going on in my life to create more. But believe me when I tell you, when things settle down a bit, I will most definitely be addressing this to the people involved.
-- There are also those people who, despite my distancing myself, have remained there, doing everything to help me get through it all. Those people in particular need to know that, even though I've been scarce for the most part, your being there means more to me than I could ever say. You're the people that help me to remain stubborn so I can get through all the shit that's being thrown at me. When all is said and done, you WILL know who you are.
That's pretty much it for now. Just needed to get some of this out. I'm a proud man that does not ask for prayers, sympathy or pity. All I ask is that you be yourself and treat me with the same respect that I give you. Not too much to ask, I would think. Don't worry. I'll be back before you know it. And when May rolls around, and I get to see a lot of you again, I'll be my old self again. I promise.
My attitude has been a bit of an oxymoron: I miss my friends, but don't feel right around them, I love my girl but feel distant from her, I love the kid but can't stand to be around her...that sort of thing. Again, I'm not really sure why.
Life hasn't made things easy since he passed either. Money has gotten tighter with each passing week until it feels like a fucking noose around my neck. I struggle constantly to be the strong one around here, keeping the kid in check, helping Stacy to keep from losing it over the whole custody thing, helping my brother have a better outlook (which is kinda hard to do when I don't really have one). Then there is always the lovely thought of the holidays and my mom's death just before Christmas 5 years ago. That's always fun. Now on January 6th, I lost someone that I had known since we were both in diapers. He was a brother, a best friend, a confidant and we were the same age. Poof!! Gone, just like that. Happy fuckin' New Year.
And yet, I continue on, striving to hold it together for everyone else. I don't see myself as being strong, but rather too stubborn to give in. But I feel that stubbornness tends to make me hard and causes me to react to others differently, even to those I care about. This most recent loss has made me a bit harder than normal as I am taking this one pretty badly. But like everything else, I'll get through it.And once I do, there will be a few things I will need to address:
-- There are people both here and where I live, that I feel I have not been much of a friend to lately. I pride myself on being there for my friends, but when they had issues to deal with, I just didn't have it in me to help out. I actually feel a bit ashamed of myself for that, even though I realize that any real friends would not see that in me. Rest assured, when I get my mind right, I plan to make up for not being there.
-- There are people both here and where I live that I thought were truly my friends, but I begin to think otherwise. When simple courtesy seems to be too much of an inconvenience, you can't help but wonder if you really mean as much to that person as they claim. Right now, I have far too much drama going on in my life to create more. But believe me when I tell you, when things settle down a bit, I will most definitely be addressing this to the people involved.
-- There are also those people who, despite my distancing myself, have remained there, doing everything to help me get through it all. Those people in particular need to know that, even though I've been scarce for the most part, your being there means more to me than I could ever say. You're the people that help me to remain stubborn so I can get through all the shit that's being thrown at me. When all is said and done, you WILL know who you are.
That's pretty much it for now. Just needed to get some of this out. I'm a proud man that does not ask for prayers, sympathy or pity. All I ask is that you be yourself and treat me with the same respect that I give you. Not too much to ask, I would think. Don't worry. I'll be back before you know it. And when May rolls around, and I get to see a lot of you again, I'll be my old self again. I promise.
