WARNING: EMOTIONAL STUFF AHEAD
Because I know people hate drama. Sorry guys. 🙁
Okay.
My trip to Ontario this month has been a real eye opener for me. It made me realize my own unhappiness with my life back home. Since I've been here, I've been around amazing friends, spent time with my dad, felt relaxed, happy and the most care-free I've been since...ever.
I've been seriously unhappy in my relationship, and I was even before my son was born. I always felt like it was super important to me to have Charlie's father in his life. Mostly because my own father was never allowed to be apart of my life, and I always felt resentful to the people who made it that way. Now that I'm here, I realized that keeping Charlie's father in his life was a major sacrifice of my own happiness and my overall mental health. I see this now. I don't intend to go back to BC, back to my old life, back to being unhappy. I want to stay here, have that fresh start and move towards a better direction in life for both me and my son. But now the fear and anxiety is starting to set in. I'm paralyzed by it. I'm terrified of being on my own, because I have never been. After leaving home, I was with Dylan for over four years.
Since I've been here, I've gotten excellent advice from friends and from my father. Alot of its somewhat contradictory, but I've basically gotten a general idea of what I need to do. I need my gameplan, and that's what is hard to come up with.
A) Get a lawyer
B) Get a job
C) Finish school
D) Find childcare
Some seem easier than others, I guess. I need to figure out where I'm going to live, and how I'm going to live. I need to be able to balance working, school and motherhood. Motherhood comes first. It's terrifying to me. For alot of girls I knew in this situation, their outcome has generally been the same. Find a man to care for you and your child. I don't have this option, and I don't even want to consider it. 'Let someone else do it' is not the road I'm going to take. I'm going to be a single working mom, and that scares me more than anything because I don't know if I can do it.
Back home, I was primary caregiver. I worked a few mornings a week at my job, which paid decently enough, and I was home by noon everyday. My boss and I were really close, and he was always willing to be flexible for me. I'm not going to be lucky enough to find another employer like him. Alot of my employment options are also going to be limited by the fact that I need to finish school. If I really bite the bullet and work my ass off for a few months, I can finish school easily, but to have to balance that between working and taking care of my baby? Terrifying. And I know that I'm all alone in this. In the end though, being stapped down to all of this stress and reality of life, I'm going to end up more free than I ever was back at home.
I don't think Dylan is going to fight for custody. If he does, then he's going to lose. With his history of anger, drug use and mild physical abuse, he's going to lose. He can't provide a decent home for Charlie in the way that I can, and he can't care for him like I can. When we would fight, he would pysically take Charlie away from me, leave the house and phone his parents. His solution to his not being able to care for Charlie is to simply give him away to his parents, and cut me off from his life completely. No contact. Dylan's method of control is to break me down until I can't move. He doesn't give up until I'm crying in a corner, willing to give in to any demand to make it stop. That's his power over me. Now that I'm here, he can't break me. This is going to break him though, because as far as he knows right now, come June 4th, I'm going to be stepping on the plane back to BC. I'm scared of what this is going to do to him. He's shot at me repeatedly with threats of suicide if I ever left him, and he's even threatened my own life. I told him he'd never lose me, which now has become a lie. I'm out here now, and I'm terrified of what he's going to do to himself when I don't come back. I'm scared for him, and this fear is making me believe that everything I'm doing is wrong.
Someone pointed out that this is part of the control that he has over me. It's emotional blackmail. I realize this now too, but it still doesn't take the fear away. Am I going to be able to live with myself if he actually does hurt himself or anyone else? What am I going to do when the phone calls come. The screaming, the begging, the crying, the threats...am I going to just give into his demands? Right now I want to scream "NO" but I know myself better than that. I'm scared of giving in again.
In a week from now, if I don't get on the plane, I'm going to need to cut contact with anyone from my old life. I'm going to deactivate my Facebook account, change my phone number, and run. I'm going to fucking run. Of course, that's all assuming that I don't get back on that plane.
My dad says that for right now, don't worry about the custody thing. He says to focus on finding a job, place to live and care for Charlie. So I guess that's what I'll start doing today. And hopefully this anxiety will stop eating away at me after awhile. So...step one. Updating my resume.
Wish me luck guys, I'm seriously going to need it. I don't know what I'd do without all the support and advice I get from my friends. It's a totally new concept to me, but its cherished and truly appreciated. I love my TMF family.
Because I know people hate drama. Sorry guys. 🙁
Okay.
My trip to Ontario this month has been a real eye opener for me. It made me realize my own unhappiness with my life back home. Since I've been here, I've been around amazing friends, spent time with my dad, felt relaxed, happy and the most care-free I've been since...ever.
I've been seriously unhappy in my relationship, and I was even before my son was born. I always felt like it was super important to me to have Charlie's father in his life. Mostly because my own father was never allowed to be apart of my life, and I always felt resentful to the people who made it that way. Now that I'm here, I realized that keeping Charlie's father in his life was a major sacrifice of my own happiness and my overall mental health. I see this now. I don't intend to go back to BC, back to my old life, back to being unhappy. I want to stay here, have that fresh start and move towards a better direction in life for both me and my son. But now the fear and anxiety is starting to set in. I'm paralyzed by it. I'm terrified of being on my own, because I have never been. After leaving home, I was with Dylan for over four years.
Since I've been here, I've gotten excellent advice from friends and from my father. Alot of its somewhat contradictory, but I've basically gotten a general idea of what I need to do. I need my gameplan, and that's what is hard to come up with.
A) Get a lawyer
B) Get a job
C) Finish school
D) Find childcare
Some seem easier than others, I guess. I need to figure out where I'm going to live, and how I'm going to live. I need to be able to balance working, school and motherhood. Motherhood comes first. It's terrifying to me. For alot of girls I knew in this situation, their outcome has generally been the same. Find a man to care for you and your child. I don't have this option, and I don't even want to consider it. 'Let someone else do it' is not the road I'm going to take. I'm going to be a single working mom, and that scares me more than anything because I don't know if I can do it.
Back home, I was primary caregiver. I worked a few mornings a week at my job, which paid decently enough, and I was home by noon everyday. My boss and I were really close, and he was always willing to be flexible for me. I'm not going to be lucky enough to find another employer like him. Alot of my employment options are also going to be limited by the fact that I need to finish school. If I really bite the bullet and work my ass off for a few months, I can finish school easily, but to have to balance that between working and taking care of my baby? Terrifying. And I know that I'm all alone in this. In the end though, being stapped down to all of this stress and reality of life, I'm going to end up more free than I ever was back at home.
I don't think Dylan is going to fight for custody. If he does, then he's going to lose. With his history of anger, drug use and mild physical abuse, he's going to lose. He can't provide a decent home for Charlie in the way that I can, and he can't care for him like I can. When we would fight, he would pysically take Charlie away from me, leave the house and phone his parents. His solution to his not being able to care for Charlie is to simply give him away to his parents, and cut me off from his life completely. No contact. Dylan's method of control is to break me down until I can't move. He doesn't give up until I'm crying in a corner, willing to give in to any demand to make it stop. That's his power over me. Now that I'm here, he can't break me. This is going to break him though, because as far as he knows right now, come June 4th, I'm going to be stepping on the plane back to BC. I'm scared of what this is going to do to him. He's shot at me repeatedly with threats of suicide if I ever left him, and he's even threatened my own life. I told him he'd never lose me, which now has become a lie. I'm out here now, and I'm terrified of what he's going to do to himself when I don't come back. I'm scared for him, and this fear is making me believe that everything I'm doing is wrong.
Someone pointed out that this is part of the control that he has over me. It's emotional blackmail. I realize this now too, but it still doesn't take the fear away. Am I going to be able to live with myself if he actually does hurt himself or anyone else? What am I going to do when the phone calls come. The screaming, the begging, the crying, the threats...am I going to just give into his demands? Right now I want to scream "NO" but I know myself better than that. I'm scared of giving in again.
In a week from now, if I don't get on the plane, I'm going to need to cut contact with anyone from my old life. I'm going to deactivate my Facebook account, change my phone number, and run. I'm going to fucking run. Of course, that's all assuming that I don't get back on that plane.
My dad says that for right now, don't worry about the custody thing. He says to focus on finding a job, place to live and care for Charlie. So I guess that's what I'll start doing today. And hopefully this anxiety will stop eating away at me after awhile. So...step one. Updating my resume.
Wish me luck guys, I'm seriously going to need it. I don't know what I'd do without all the support and advice I get from my friends. It's a totally new concept to me, but its cherished and truly appreciated. I love my TMF family.
