WARNING: EMOTIONAL RANT AHEAD
If there were any sort of a record for most break ups in a four year period, I would most certainly be graciously accepting the award.
Today we broke up again.
We're going through the cycles again. And again. And again. We can't ever seem to agree on anything. Today's arguement was a stupid one for sure.
We were on the phone, and he was complaining to me about the dog. And about our friends, our roomate, his dad, our financial situation, everything. Everything he's complained about before. He's jealous that I'm out here, meeting new people. (He's tried several times to permaban me from having any male friends)
Now, I sort of pride myself on being a positive person. There's no reason not to be, because even being with someone like him, life ISN'T so bad. But without me beside him to pat him on the back, suddenly the world is crashing down on him. He's always been an incredibly over-dramatic, childish person but he's also the first to admit it. He knows his own faults better than I do, but he doesn't do anything to change them.
He said on the phone to me today that he was just going to walk away from it all. He said he was just going to bail on his life, walk away and never look back.
My mother used to do the same thing. When she would get upset about something, usually something irrational, like the house being a mess. She would scream at us kids that if we didn't change, then she would just walk out the door and never look back. All the time. My relationship with my mom quickly dissolved on my dissent into adulthood. We don't speak.
It made me angry. When we argue, his favourite thing to do is to push me, and push me, and fucking PUSH until I finally snap and lose my mind. Then he backs off and tells me to stop acting like a crazy bitch. I'm just tired of him making me this way. He makes it out to all of our friends like I'm acting like "a psycho cunty girlfriend" He likes to push the limits, and he especially enjoys doing it front of other people. He doesn't give up on an arguement until I've broken down, crying and so upset that I can't even form a proper sentence. The fights don't end until I break down and give in. Tell him he's right about everything and promise to change. He did it the night before I left for Ontario. When I left with my friend to catch my plane, I couldn't breath. I couldn't think. I was supposed to be travelling alone for the first time and I was so anxiety ridden.
Anyways. I told him that if he was just going to bail on me, he'd better do it now to save our son the hurt later in life. We exchanged more obscenities. Then he hung up on me. I got a text on my cell a few minutes later saying that we were through. I didn't answer back.
I didn't cry this time. I usually do. Today I just didn't want to. I have so many reasons to be happy in life right now. He's pretty much the only bad thing in my life. I'm crying now. I hate it when I get emotional.
I just keep asking myself why I keep doing it. We've been so on and off for four years, why do we keep fighting to stay together and be unhappy? We both seem to have this idea that we do love eachother, and our son needs both of his parents in his life. I do want my son to have his father in his life, and this probably stems from my own issues about my mother not letting my father into my life. I don't want my son to experience the sadness that I felt. But is that really it?
Tomorrow, he's going to call me or text me, apologize, tell me how amazing I am and that he loves me. And I'm probably going to forgive him for the umpteenth time, mentally kick myself, and tell him I love him too.
I just don't understand why its so hard for me to walk away. Why do I care so much about someone who just kicks me repeatedly? Why do I keep playing into this vicious cycle? Why can't I just be like everyone else and walk away, not look back, and move forward in life? I've met so many people that I connect better with, why is it so hard to walk away from this?
I've decided that tomorrow, I'm not doing to answer his calls. I'm not going to reply to his texts. And the next day I'm not going to either. Not once have I ever been the person to initiate this breakup, only the reconciliation. Now I'm not. Let's see how long I last.
I'm going to go to Toronto. I'm going to go to the munch, and meet the great people I've met here on the TMF. And I'm going to do it happily, and guilt free, and because I think I fucking deserve it. I'm going to hold my chin up, smile and laugh.
And maybe, if I'm really lucky, he won't call.
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Sorry to rant like this. I hate ranting. But I really needed to get that off my chest. If anyone took the time to read this, thanks.
I love this site, and I love those in it. I've made some pretty awesome friends here. People that I'm truly not afraid to be myself around.
