I'm feeling very raw right now. About a month ago, I met this guy, David. He immediately caught my attention and I really wanted to get to know him. He got a job at where I work and it was fun working with him. I did what I could to get to know him, if we were on break together, I'd join him. He seemed like he was interested in me, too. I don't always recognize when someone flirts with me, but I swear he flirted with me. Our eyes would meet and we'd both break out in grins. He'd touch me like brushing his hand against my back when he'd pass me or goose my sides. Anyone else I'd be annoyed, but I liked him so I let it pass. 🙂
Things came to a head one night, when I confronted him on his flirting. I wasn't used to the attention. No guy has ever flirted with me. A fat chick like me didn't stand a chance of attracting a hot guy like him. He denied flirting with me at work. But we hung out and we got to know each other. We were going to let things happen when they happen and not force anything.
He had some issues and, unfortunately, it costed him his job. But we continued to hang out. I helped him with his apartment, giving him utensils and plates that I originally was given from a friend. He thankfully found another job and is doing well there.
We had some ups and downs. We talked about what we wanted, what we hoped for. He 'tested' me, which hurt me because he was trying to push me away. I was stubborn (and maybe stupid) but I fought back, trying to prove that I wanted him, that he couldn't push me away. It seemed like things were progressing positively, but I was fooling myself. I knew I couldn't really be myself around him. He'd get mad at me if I got upset so I knew I couldn't be vulnerable around him. He never let me speak or explain myself, made assumptions about me. It was hard for me to lower the walls I've built within me, and he made it harder.
Things came to a head recently that I couldn't ignore anymore. After a night of drinking (and him 'smoking'), he asked for a blowjob. I'm not a fan; I hate giving them, but I could be willing depending on how things proceed. Yet, it came out of left field for me. Up until this point, I've been operating on the basis that we were friends. He had never even made a move so I thought he didn't want me that way. Though, I had admitted that I had wanted to jump his bones when I first met him.
So I told him, I didn't want to. Didn't like blowjobs, bad gag reflex. He was like I'm sorry, I didn't know. Then proceeded to tell me, that if I can't satisfy him, then he'd cheat on me because that's too important for him to go without. Then threw everything in my face that he had done to help me, when I had never once lorded it over him everything I had done for him. But it was when he said he'd cheat was when I broke. And I had told him my ex cheated on me. I didn't say a word, I just left because he was not worth my tears.
I feel shattered, broken. I had gotten my hopes up, higher than I've ever had them, and it all came crashing down. A knife in the back would hurt less than this. I really tried, but I know I'm not good in relationships. I don't do what's expected, what's normal, but in my own I try to show I care. Yet, right now, all I can think is that it's never going to happen. I'll never find someone who can love me for me, who can accept me as I am.
Goddammit! I don't want to cry anymore!
Things came to a head one night, when I confronted him on his flirting. I wasn't used to the attention. No guy has ever flirted with me. A fat chick like me didn't stand a chance of attracting a hot guy like him. He denied flirting with me at work. But we hung out and we got to know each other. We were going to let things happen when they happen and not force anything.
He had some issues and, unfortunately, it costed him his job. But we continued to hang out. I helped him with his apartment, giving him utensils and plates that I originally was given from a friend. He thankfully found another job and is doing well there.
We had some ups and downs. We talked about what we wanted, what we hoped for. He 'tested' me, which hurt me because he was trying to push me away. I was stubborn (and maybe stupid) but I fought back, trying to prove that I wanted him, that he couldn't push me away. It seemed like things were progressing positively, but I was fooling myself. I knew I couldn't really be myself around him. He'd get mad at me if I got upset so I knew I couldn't be vulnerable around him. He never let me speak or explain myself, made assumptions about me. It was hard for me to lower the walls I've built within me, and he made it harder.
Things came to a head recently that I couldn't ignore anymore. After a night of drinking (and him 'smoking'), he asked for a blowjob. I'm not a fan; I hate giving them, but I could be willing depending on how things proceed. Yet, it came out of left field for me. Up until this point, I've been operating on the basis that we were friends. He had never even made a move so I thought he didn't want me that way. Though, I had admitted that I had wanted to jump his bones when I first met him.
So I told him, I didn't want to. Didn't like blowjobs, bad gag reflex. He was like I'm sorry, I didn't know. Then proceeded to tell me, that if I can't satisfy him, then he'd cheat on me because that's too important for him to go without. Then threw everything in my face that he had done to help me, when I had never once lorded it over him everything I had done for him. But it was when he said he'd cheat was when I broke. And I had told him my ex cheated on me. I didn't say a word, I just left because he was not worth my tears.
I feel shattered, broken. I had gotten my hopes up, higher than I've ever had them, and it all came crashing down. A knife in the back would hurt less than this. I really tried, but I know I'm not good in relationships. I don't do what's expected, what's normal, but in my own I try to show I care. Yet, right now, all I can think is that it's never going to happen. I'll never find someone who can love me for me, who can accept me as I am.
Goddammit! I don't want to cry anymore!
