Seeing as I have never made a blog in god knows how long, I may as well do one now seeing as I have nothing better to do with my time. Not that anyone’s going to read this but I might as well keep myself busy.
I have been through a lot this year, had some ups and had some downs and have yet to still pick myself up from it completely.
I’ve been walking home lately, and in doing so I have been re-thinking everything that’s been going on in my life and no matter how many times I’ve been reassured that things will get better but at the back of my mind. I always have this gut feeling that it gets worse and worse as days go by. I don’t come from a normal household, mind you; I don’t think there’s such a thing as a normal household let alone a normal family. I’m sure everyone comes from some sort of a dysfunctional background...maybe I’m wrong and you guys have the perfect family. I was born and brought up in a Muslim family background. My mother is from a strict Moroccan upbringing that is very cultured and immediate family and religion is valued more that the ones you create. My father is Irish, came to England at a very young age and his mother brought everyone up as Roman Catholics. When my parents met they eventually wanted to get married, so to cut the long story short, my dad had to convert to Islam in order for them to be together. I’ve been sent to a religious Muslim school, which I hated, despite I went to a place where everyone was of the same culture, I was still treated different from the rest because of where my parents were from, especially my dad. By the time I left school I went to a normal college where everyone came from different backgrounds and cultures. After learning about them and myself I realised that the life I wanted and still want, is of the western way because I feel happier to be just like everyone else. Go to parties, take part in different festivals, have that occasional drink, have a boyfriend, etc. I’m sure most of you know about the Muslim background when it comes to these sort of things and it’s too long to explain so for those who don’t know much about it without judging and making snarly terrorist comments because that’s not who I am and it’s not what a Muslim is. So if you’ve got a question and want to know more just ask me.
A few months ago, my parents forced me to break up with someone I was deeply in love with. When we first got together we knew how hard our relationship was going to be because of our backgrounds and the fact that his beliefs were that he has no belief in a God, Devil, heaven or hell or religion itself. We both were into the same music, sense of style, both had abstract and ridiculous sense of humour and he was just a very kind and caring person and that was more meaningful to me than a religion. I knew things would be hard but I still persisted because we wanted each other. 6 months into the relationship I decided to come clean and tell my parents that I was in a relationship with a man and that nothing was going to stand in my way of being with him. Of course the reactions they had was what I expected, shock, disapproval and despair. When things got really heated I was full of rage that I told my parents that I was going to run away and be with him regardless, to which I regretted because I saw what it had done to them and even my dad as a grown, strong man had broken down in tears in front of me and that killed me. I’m very close to my dad and to witness that was heartbreaking for me because I had hurt him. After a drive with my dad we talked things over and came to a compromise and after him meeting my then boyfriend we all agreed that he would convert to Islam just for papers so that my mother wouldn’t have to go through any of family shame that she’d have to face with her family. Things were fantastic after that and it was such a great feeling having to go out with him without having to look over my shoulder all the time and sneaking around. A few months later it was the day of his conversion and he then told my dad if his hate for religion and my parents hit the roof and then gave me the choice...either him or the family. So what was I supposed to do? I had made the hardest decision and broke up with him and chose my family. I did what I always did all my life and that was please the family. Just so that my mum wouldn’t have to face her family in shame and so that my dad wouldn’t go back to alcohol (he used to be an alcoholic).
After this experience I have since then gone on my days with anger, depression, hate, repulsion and the need for a different life for myself and away from everything and everyone and start new. I feel I can no longer carry on my days living with my parents and am desperate to move out, which is going to be another hard thing I have to face because as far as Islam goes, the child does not move out until he or she is married. Well religion does nothing for me and I am certainly not getting married for anyone’s benefit. I want to live my own life. But I am also worried that because I want the sort of life that my parents don’t agree with, it will destroy my relationship with them. But how long can one go on pleasing their parents? I know for a fact that pleasing my parents all the time and having my mother tell me constantly that going for the life of a westerner will destroy the family, put her in shame, and send my dad back to alcohol to which will all be my fault.
I have fallen in love with someone else as well and want to leave so badly to be with him. And at the same time I feel I am slowly losing him because of whatever reason I don’t know, was it something I said? Or something I may have done? I’m just full of confusion and wish he would just speak to me. Or I just may be a walking curse. That’s just my point of view to how I am as a person and how maybe I’m just not meant to live a happy life and go on pleasing my family forever. I’m stuck. My whole background is holding me back from everything.
I have been through a lot this year, had some ups and had some downs and have yet to still pick myself up from it completely.
I’ve been walking home lately, and in doing so I have been re-thinking everything that’s been going on in my life and no matter how many times I’ve been reassured that things will get better but at the back of my mind. I always have this gut feeling that it gets worse and worse as days go by. I don’t come from a normal household, mind you; I don’t think there’s such a thing as a normal household let alone a normal family. I’m sure everyone comes from some sort of a dysfunctional background...maybe I’m wrong and you guys have the perfect family. I was born and brought up in a Muslim family background. My mother is from a strict Moroccan upbringing that is very cultured and immediate family and religion is valued more that the ones you create. My father is Irish, came to England at a very young age and his mother brought everyone up as Roman Catholics. When my parents met they eventually wanted to get married, so to cut the long story short, my dad had to convert to Islam in order for them to be together. I’ve been sent to a religious Muslim school, which I hated, despite I went to a place where everyone was of the same culture, I was still treated different from the rest because of where my parents were from, especially my dad. By the time I left school I went to a normal college where everyone came from different backgrounds and cultures. After learning about them and myself I realised that the life I wanted and still want, is of the western way because I feel happier to be just like everyone else. Go to parties, take part in different festivals, have that occasional drink, have a boyfriend, etc. I’m sure most of you know about the Muslim background when it comes to these sort of things and it’s too long to explain so for those who don’t know much about it without judging and making snarly terrorist comments because that’s not who I am and it’s not what a Muslim is. So if you’ve got a question and want to know more just ask me.
A few months ago, my parents forced me to break up with someone I was deeply in love with. When we first got together we knew how hard our relationship was going to be because of our backgrounds and the fact that his beliefs were that he has no belief in a God, Devil, heaven or hell or religion itself. We both were into the same music, sense of style, both had abstract and ridiculous sense of humour and he was just a very kind and caring person and that was more meaningful to me than a religion. I knew things would be hard but I still persisted because we wanted each other. 6 months into the relationship I decided to come clean and tell my parents that I was in a relationship with a man and that nothing was going to stand in my way of being with him. Of course the reactions they had was what I expected, shock, disapproval and despair. When things got really heated I was full of rage that I told my parents that I was going to run away and be with him regardless, to which I regretted because I saw what it had done to them and even my dad as a grown, strong man had broken down in tears in front of me and that killed me. I’m very close to my dad and to witness that was heartbreaking for me because I had hurt him. After a drive with my dad we talked things over and came to a compromise and after him meeting my then boyfriend we all agreed that he would convert to Islam just for papers so that my mother wouldn’t have to go through any of family shame that she’d have to face with her family. Things were fantastic after that and it was such a great feeling having to go out with him without having to look over my shoulder all the time and sneaking around. A few months later it was the day of his conversion and he then told my dad if his hate for religion and my parents hit the roof and then gave me the choice...either him or the family. So what was I supposed to do? I had made the hardest decision and broke up with him and chose my family. I did what I always did all my life and that was please the family. Just so that my mum wouldn’t have to face her family in shame and so that my dad wouldn’t go back to alcohol (he used to be an alcoholic).
After this experience I have since then gone on my days with anger, depression, hate, repulsion and the need for a different life for myself and away from everything and everyone and start new. I feel I can no longer carry on my days living with my parents and am desperate to move out, which is going to be another hard thing I have to face because as far as Islam goes, the child does not move out until he or she is married. Well religion does nothing for me and I am certainly not getting married for anyone’s benefit. I want to live my own life. But I am also worried that because I want the sort of life that my parents don’t agree with, it will destroy my relationship with them. But how long can one go on pleasing their parents? I know for a fact that pleasing my parents all the time and having my mother tell me constantly that going for the life of a westerner will destroy the family, put her in shame, and send my dad back to alcohol to which will all be my fault.
I have fallen in love with someone else as well and want to leave so badly to be with him. And at the same time I feel I am slowly losing him because of whatever reason I don’t know, was it something I said? Or something I may have done? I’m just full of confusion and wish he would just speak to me. Or I just may be a walking curse. That’s just my point of view to how I am as a person and how maybe I’m just not meant to live a happy life and go on pleasing my family forever. I’m stuck. My whole background is holding me back from everything.
