[[ Fetish Friday ]]

So it's day number I Don't Even Remember of being on meds and so far I'm doing okay. I don't seem to have lost my mind [[again]] yet.

I spent most of my day cleaning. Cleaning Anything. First it was the house, then it was my car and now it's anything I happen to come across that seems messy or "out of order". The process relaxes me and I can basically mellow out with my mp3 player and just let my mind wander.

The one thing I have noticed about my personality since becoming established with the new meds, is that I have a tendancy to "blank" or space out if I'm left to my own devices for too long. There have been a few times that I've been driving by myself and I have to force myself to focus on the cars in front/around me so I don't end up running into another vehicle [[or pedestrian]]. It's not that I get lost perse, I just start thinking about things and then I get distracted.

I think I'm supposed to be bummed that I'm not on my way to Ohio, but oddly I'm not. Don't get me wrong, I am and do miss seeing all of my friends, but not having to face a 6+ hour bus ride both ways is comforting to me.

I've been told, "But you've done it before!", and this is true. I've traveled further then that when I went to my first NHLee [[I believe that one was an 11+ hour busride]] and at those times I did perfectly fine.

Before I dive into other blog good-ness, I shall do my best to describe what it is that I've been dealing with. Writing things out lately has been soothing for me [[hence the longer blogs of late]], so maybe this might do some good as well as educate at least one person. That would be ace!

For the past handful of weeks I've been dealing with two issues; Anxiety and Panic. The two seem similar and they are, but they are different as well. Anxiety is always first before panic begins to set in.

What happens *with me* when I experience an Anxiety attack is:

• - Sudden impatience.
• - Impulse to "do" something/move around.
• - Sweating/rushes of heat that start from my feet and shoot up to my hands.
• - Heavy breathing.
• - Chest Constriction.

Now, if I can pinpoint or focus on the fact that it is just an anxiety attack and work to calm my breathing and not let my head get away from me, then I manage through it.

If I can't do any/most of those things, then it evolves into a panic attack. My symptoms/experience with that has been:

• - Hyperventilation.
• - "Tingling" sensation in my hands and/or feet.
• - Complete chest constriction/pain.
• - Muscle constriction in my legs.
• - Fear of death/heart attack/ect.

Once I hit a full out panic attack it takes a lot more to calm me down. I've basically allowed my brain to manipulate everything going on around me, so much so that I become almost inconsolable. Even though it's not good for getting my breathing calmed, I have found that crying or pushing out a similar emotion does provide some small relief.

Once I manage to calm my breathing down somewhat, then I need to get my head back straight again. Because I might be calming down physically, that doesn't mean though, that I'm calm mentally. And that seems to be the biggest hurdle I've been running into whenever I have an attack. It's worse when I'm dealing with it alone.

I've taken to calling a couple people who are familiar with what I'm dealing with. They've been a great help and have even been able to guide me through attacks sufficiently enough so I'm calm again. However, I've noted that I have better results when I'm with someone in real time. For some reason it helps me to reach out and touch the person who is with me. Whether it be by holding their arm or their hand, it's not really me clinging onto them because some attacks have caused me to be scared of *any* close physical contact at all. I'd start to feel restricted and that would cause more panic.

Now when I was initially treated for this by Doctor Dick Head #1; he provided me with a script for Zoloft of the same dosage that I used to take for PPD. 24 hours on it and I was doing okay. Then everything fell by the way-side.

Instead of experiencing an occasional anxiety attack, I was having them constantly and for longer periods of time with little breaks between one. Basically it came down to me fearing stepping away from the house at risk of having an attack. I stopped driving, I reclused from a lot of people and I even stopped eating. All I did was drink water and sit in my room reading or watching TV.

Music would trigger feelings of anxiety and even some of the places I visit frequently [[forum included]] would cause the same thing too. Loud voices would startle me and I would get nervous. I always knew an attack was about to happen because I would feel my legs begin to tense up and I whenever I spoke I would have my jaw clenched.

Basically, I was a wreck. I felt like I was never going to "get better" and that I was never going to be able to talk or see my friends again. I felt that I was going to be stuck in my house and not be able to go anywhere ever again. I even tossed around the idea of selling my car.

Now this is all happening in a small time frame too, just so you have an idea of how out of control my mind was.

Finally, I decided to seek out a second opinion and I made an appointment with another known family doctor. -- He promptly pulled me off the Zoloft and put me on the pills that I am on now. He listened to everything I said and I never felt rushed. The Doctor prior made me feel like he just wanted to write any script just to get me on my way. I felt like he wasn't really hearing what it was that I was trying to convey.

There was another small issue that the new "night pills" produced; whenever I would take one and it would start to take affect, I would begin to feel an anxiety attack begin. I went two nights of that and then was lucky enough to get a quick appointment with the Doctor again.

I was frustrated because the night pill is a form of anti-depressant, which was what the Zoloft was in it's entirety and what seemed to have caused my panic attacks. I asked him why he had me on an anti-depressant when I wasn't depressed.

He said it was a good question and that it was hard to explain, but basically what I got out of it was that my brain is producing too much Serotonin and that same thing happens in patients who are suffering from Depression. So they treat Anxiety and Depression similarly. It doesn't necessarily mean that they ARE the same [[although many folks do suffer from both Depression and Anxiety]], it just means that they are similarly connected.

He then told me to just start taking the "morning pill" with the night pill and that should even things out.

For those that didn't/don't read my other blog, I explained that the "morning pill" was a form of xanax and would start working quickly to help quell an on-coming panic attack.

So, it's Day 2 of me doing that and so far things have been going well. The night pill is also supposed to begin helping me throughout the day, so I just need to wait about 2-4 weeks and keep taking it consistently.

I still feel nervous at times, especially when I've been feeling relatively "normal"; I begin to worry that it's going to end and I'll be plunged back into that black hole again.

I know this is negative thinking and not a good thing to be doing, so I've been doing my best to distract myself from any thoughts like that at all.

I've taken on healthy obsession of Facebook's Mindjolt gaming application as well as spending chunks of time playing Bejeweled Blitz. Both things have worked to mellow me out. So has blogging here. =) It feels good to write out the shit that's cramped in my head, even though at times it's off the wall.

I'm learning, though, that it's not good to keep things inside your head for too long. And that was a habit I fell into during the end of my marriage. It became easier to just keep things to myself because then they wouldn't start or help fuel an argument. I think that some of my issues now are due to the restrictions I put on myself then.

Okay, I've blabbed enough.

So, out of random boredom I was inspired to create a poster of my many epical emotions. This was the result of that idea:


Shut up. I was bored.


1. On a scale of 1-10 [10 being the highest], how satisfied are you with your life? I'd have to say 6. Not bad and looking to get better each day. 🙂

1a. On a scale of 1-10 [10 being the highest], how satisfied are you with your sex life? Again, a 6. I'm enjoying myself. 😈


2. What is the easiest way for you to reach orgasm? Straight clit stimulation. I don't really need a cock to cum.

3. what are 3 inevitable things about you? I can only really think of one: I'm incredibly random. I'm loyal, also. So I guess that's two.

4. What is your favorite sexual position? [yes you have to narrow it to one] Doggy style has always been a favorite. On Top is a nice second place.

4a. What is you least favorite sexual position? Legs around his neck. -- It becomes painful after awhile because of the angle.

5. Favorite body part/parts of the opposite (or same) sex? Same Sex: Eyes, Hands, Breasts.

Opposite Sex: Eyes, Hands, Arms.

6. Would you rather have you significant other [this can be a hypothetical SO] have sex with someone else or fall in love with someone else? [You have to pick one.] Sex with someone else. I'd sooner share his body then his heart.

7. When you have a “toe-curling” orgasm, do your does curl up, or down? They splay then curl down. I've given myself a charlie horse doing that a few times. So un cool in the throes of passion.

8. Name three words that:

a) get you excited: “Over Here. Now.”

b) make you squirm: “CFM." [[Private. ]]

c) make you laugh: “I'm behind you!"

And now I will leave you with epic musical good-ness:


Ciao for now.

Jo Cool.