Turkey Time

I'm sitting here in tears reading your words. I get it.

At 19 I left school right before they threw me out, my GPA was so low. I never went to class and I never studied because I couldn't stand the thoughts I had whenever I was alone. My mother, my best friend, was a bi-polar/manic depressive coke addict, slowly dying from diabetes and lung and heart issues and horrible chronic pain from still other debilitating illnesses. She was living in the house I grew up in, but it was a total wreck and filthy with no hot water and barely any plumbing at all. That was my mommy living that way while I lived in a nice dorm. The insane debt and the guilt over her and the sense of failure made it damn near impossible to find a reason to get out of bed. The thoughts of ending my life were always right there, I didn't see any way to peace. It really is a miracle I'm still here.

Two years later I was married to Bill and back in school, still broke but okay with it, working a job that paid little but that I felt good about and was in my field. I felt like I had a future for the first time in years. I never fully made peace with my mother's issues but I didn't realize that I couldn't fix her nor was I qualified to do so, she had to want to get better and she...didn't. So I took care of me, because that much I could control. Bill was a big help, but I have to say it was ME, a need to MAKE something good happen with my life, that changed things.

I'm not telling you this because I know life will get better, I'm just saying from experience that it *can*. In your '20's when you're still dealing with the baggage and legacy of your parents life can be a mass of pain and feel like there's no light at the end. Then in your '30's you'll look back on this crazy time and just shake your head and be proud you got through it.

Hang on

Thanks.

It's just hard. I've felt like I've had to be an adult for so fucking long and now I'm all fucked up.

Vacillating from enjoying my youth and bitter that I'm not in my fucking career yet.

It's maddening.

I appreciate your words, B.

As someone who has lived--and is still living--a privileged life, I would argue that your life is not a waste. Consider:

1. I couldn't live the way you do. That's not a judgment, that's a fact: I couldn't take the stress. I have more years and a better education than you, and yet you are more capable than I...what does that tell you about "official" accomplishments? So don't let the "accomplished" people and their paper achievements trample over the real-world feats you've pulled off.

2. You have a job. Yes it's in a sandwich shop, yes it with a few drug addicts and a bisexual stalker, but you got a job in the worst economy since the Great Depression (even I don't have that, I was laid off months ago) where a college degree is no protection against hard times. A friend of mine couldn't even get a job at any of the 4 McDonalds in town because every part-time & full-time position was filled to the brim. And I live in bumfuck Montana...it's even worse in populated areas.

3. You're little sisters aren't crazy. And since you were the one who pretty much took care of them, that makes you a better proxy parent than your real parents. Not bad at all for someone who wasn't even doing that job full-time. Even if it takes you a long time to get where you want to be, it's likely they won't, and that can be thanks to you.

4. You got half your parents back. Your mom is a psychopath, and your dad abandoned you because of shit he couldn't deal with back in the day. On this one...I got nothing, I have NO IDEA what that's like, so I won't pretend, BUT...you managed to find him and get him back on track as well as he can be until his daughter becomes a wealthy novelist. And from what I've read, he's actually a good guy who loves you and doesn't hit you with lamps, and even tries to make up for the years he wasn't there...albeit by cooking really weird dinners, but still...considering that your older sister turned out the way she did, looks like you managed to come out ahead.

5. Think of yourself as the last beatnik. Think about it: look around your apartment and notice that you live in a dive, sleep on a broken mattress, work a shitty job, love weed, listen to really obscure music--mostly jazz & blues--and you read Thompson among others...you're kind of living the life that Ginsberg, Kerouac and Bourroughs (without the heroin or homosexuality of course) rode all the way to creative enlightenment. I've seen you tap into it, and the results have been nothing but promising even at your laziest. So imagine yourself as the last of the old school geniuses that only posers can try to emulate...you're actually living it.

6. You have to learn to let the pressure roll off and around you like a boulder. I have pressure very similar but not as dire, and the only way I can get around it is to let it go and have its way with me knowing that it's only gonna come back tomorrow and do it again until the day when I can finally unload it...so why bother getting pissed about it? It's like that Looney Tunes cartoon with Sam the Sheepdog and Ralph the coyote: they fight the fight everyday and then punch out when the whistle blows...they don't let the pain and the bullshit bother them because it's all part of the package and they live for the periods in between. You've been doing it so far, so the trick now is to learn how to get Zen about it.

7. Weed. You might wanna smoke less of it. It might let you sleep at night and it certainly will help your finances. Although I spend about 3x what you spend a week on weed on porn so maybe I'm not the best guy to talk about deprivation discipline. I just threw that out there because maybe the thought of putting a dime bag into a dime jar might give you a little sense of financial accomplishment: "YES! $45 closer to being a thousand-aire!"

8. Your burden is precedented...it just hasn't been so difficult before. What you're going through has been done by people for a long time: slaving at work for meager shavings, storing them away and going without for years until they finally have enough to make a change. Only in those days the education system didn't fail people as much and credit institutions didn't prey on people the way they do now. But know that you're not alone and that you still have time to make penny-pinching count...if only I had done that when I was your age and had the time to do it over again. And if it paid off for lots of people in the past...it might pay off for you one day.

Granted, you'll probably be MY age, but at least you won't be Venray's age, lol.

9. You haven't sold out in the bad way. Most of the people who get where they are--like managers at stores for instance--sell their dignity to appease a company that only cares about revenue and not its people. Unless you want to be a tool like your boss, you'll hold on to that. Granted, everybody needs to polish their people skills, but there's a line where someone with integrity will not kiss the requisite amount of ass necessary to move on. Like Dave Chappelle's dad said to his son years before he dropped his show and left for Africa: "Name your price, and name it early."

10. Uh...I don't have a #10, I juts didn't feel like leaving it off at a 9 that's really uneven.

11. Oh yeah, try saving up writing projects. You already write lots, but what I'd do is try to find the writers you admire and use Wikipedia to research the history of how they got published. Times have changed, but the same odd combination of luck and inspiration still ring true when it comes to figuring out your projects. I hate to sound technical, but if you chart out their publications, and read them in order, you'll be able to feel how they grew and changed and improved and then you can look at your own work and say "how would I grow, change, and improve along those lines?" and voila, you shave about 3 decades off of your learning curve. And then try writing in bursts since that's pretty much what your life lets you do...you'd probably be able to cobble them together into finished works one day and you'll have done 30%+ of the work before you sit at a desk and get started! And here's a Vietnam lesson I learned from the movie Enemy of the State: use your weaknesses as your strengths. If you write only pieces and most of them are morbid, try to think of a project where fragmentary pieces of morbid prose would be significant but not derivative of other works by self-indulgent authors. The great American novelists never set out to write the Great American novel...it just happened to be something they did, usually for themselves that they wanted to get paid for.

I agree with Bella completely. It's extremely tough to look ahead when in the middle of the storm so fucking thick, you can't see 100 feet in front of you, much less to its passing. But you are a fighter and a survivor. You survive it everyday; even the days you don't think you did. All too many people would have closed down shop and gave up by now, thinking they were destined for nothing more.... but you are Mairead. You'll sit on your balcony or porch one night, smoking and smiling and thinking "I don't have the world, but I'm pretty damn content". Don't give up. You're waiting on it, but it's waiting for you too.

Ooooh, one other thing. One of the historically chronic problems with people living on hard times is malnutrition and malnutrition-based mood swings.

Next time you go to the grocery store, grab yourself a stack of bananas, a bag of baby sliced carrots, a bag of apples, and a bottle of vitamins (B12 supplements are also highly recommended).

The bananas are fibrous and filling, and loaded with potassiumm which is good for energy and vital for nervous system...so one or two of those and you won't be hungry and you might get a energy rush. The carrots are full of the proteins we need to manufacture Adenosine triphosphate, which is the energy for our muscles (although the leafy stuff is better for calcium, but tastes gross in my opinion). The apples are tasty and use natural sugars, not processed ones that can lead to insulin resistance over time. And the vitamins are good for you in general...but the B12 are really good for staving off pernicious anemia, and B12 can also stave off depression, fatigue, memory problems, and even low-grade psychosis.

This isn't nutritionist bullshit. Ask HDS, he'll back me up. One uncommon condition of nutrition-oriented psychosis is pellagra, which is due to a niacin deficiency. Oh, and I'll have to look into any anti-oxidant supplements because I don't know if you're in the age range where they'll do much good.

So I think that by using these 5 products--that you can pick up in ANY grocery store--could start help you FEELING better and give you better energy throughout the day. They aren't cure-alls, but wouldn't it be nice to have food that takes away the feeling of suckitude?

It's very rare that I get the privilege to read words so heartfelt. It means a lot to me.

Amnesiac, I think you got something there. More veggies and pretend like I'm Jack Kerouac. That could work. And I really don't pay for weed. The boyfriend tends to give it to me for free, so no problem there. Although, I could figure out a way to not spend so much on bullshit.

Krazie, ily. 🙂