Today, one of my best friends had his longtime girlfriend break up with him. Considering that I have had my share of breakups it inspired me to write about ways to break up gracefully while minimizing the hurt for yourself and those around you. This isn’t to say that my friend is handling his breakup wrong or that I know everything about breakups. These are simply in response to mistakes I have made or seen others make.
So let’s say you have just had the person you really care for break up with you. That person may have said some hurtful things and now your whole body just kind of aches. You know that ache you get when you have the flu? Yeah that one. Now you need someone to comfort your but that person is no longer there. You feel terrible and it seems like it can’t get any worse.
Any of us who has ever been in any sort of meaningful relationship and saw it end has been there. So what do you do now?
First thing is get your mind off the other person. Find something to distract you. There are lots of things you can do. Hang out with your other friends, start a drug habit, learn to play an instrument, take tap lessons, or just do something you enjoy. The key thing is to get your mind off the other person and to start to get into a new routine. You two were probably spending a lot of time together and had a routine together. Break it and start doing other things.
Do something nice for yourself. You have likely put a decent amount of your income into this relationship. You now probably have some excess disposable income that you are no longer spending on your ex. So use that money on yourself. Go out and buy a new DVD or some music by your favorite group. Answer one of those SPAM e-mails about winning the lottery in another country and send the person money. Buy some new clothes. Go to a movie with friends. Eat at your favorite restaurant. Just do something that you wouldn’t normally do to make yourself feel better.
A controversial one is do not think you will get back together. Your circumstance may be unique. Maybe your relationship is constantly on again off again. If that’s true than skip this advice. In most cases, during a breakup one person will tell the other that “may we can get back together at some point†or “I think we need a break for a little whileâ€. 90% of the time it is a lie. One person will say this because they aren’t a complete bastard and want to help ease the pain. The point is that dwelling on the hope of reconciliation is usually a mistake. You eventually need to move on and start seeing other people.
That brings me to my next point. Start to feel better and stop dwelling on it. I know that sounds harsh and there is nothing wrong with crying about it. If you really cared about the person you probably are going to feel terrible for a few days or possibly a week. That fact is that you can’t cry forever. Take a few days or even a week to express your pain and then start to get into a new routine. There is really a greater self-esteem issue if you feel like this is hopeless and you can’t live without the person. If you are so depressed that you can’t imagine life without them, I suggest seeing a doctor and talking with a professional so that you don’t hurt yourself or someone else.
Another thing is feel free to resent the other person and what they did. If someone dumped you and treated you poorly, it is ok to be angry about it. I am not saying that you never forgive the person or that you hold onto it forever. That is just unhealthy. What I’m saying is that it is ok to be mad and it is ok to dislike them for whatever they did.
Finally, try to avoid your ex. You dated them for a long enough time that you should know what their schedule is like. Don’t hang out at places you know where they are going to be. If you are in college then you know what time they have classes and where they have class. You know they take underwater aerobics classes on Thursday mornings. Simply, you know where they are and where they aren’t. Choose to avoid them and go someplace else.
So now that we have dealt with things to help you out. Here are some things you can do to help out your friends while you go through this breakup.
Please do not use Myspace, Twitter, Facebook, or any other social networking tool as a way to express your sorrow. I personally don’t have facebook and I never check my old Myspace account; however, please do not make your status say things like “John feels like his heart has been torn out.†“Tiffany is in utter despair.†or “Nick is bleeding out in the bathtub.†All it is going to do is cause people to send you messages asking if everything is ok or it will annoy them, possibly both.
Please spare us all from the rebounding. Just don’t do it. People are sympathetic to the person who has just broken up after a long term relationship but people start to get skeptical and point at you judgingly when you are inconsolable after your 3rd or 4th break up in a couple of months, especially if it is with the same person. I’m not saying there is no chance you and your ex will get back together. You might. But don’t keep running back to them over and over again or it is just going to get old.
Please don’t defend the actions of your ex. If your friends call him/her names or say you can do better, then just agree. I’m not saying you dwell on it and bash him/her every chance you get. Then you are just bitter. Your friends are trying to make you feel better and it becomes annoying if you just keep defending your ex.
Please defend yourself. Don’t talk about how it is all your fault and they were justified in what they did. That isn't being graceful, it is being a doormat. In a breakup, usually both people share some blame. You shouldn’t tell everyone it was your fault even if it was. Don’t dwell in self-loathing and realize that they shared in the breakup too.
Finally, please do not go around acting bitter about it. Don’t be that guy/girl who constantly brings up their ex and bashes them. You just come across as bitter and if you do it too much your friends are probably going to get annoyed by it and stop talking to you. Not to mention the fact that any potential girlfriend/boyfriend does not want to hear about your ex all the time and is going to find it off-putting that you always bash them to others. It is ok to resent what they did but eventually you must move on.
Again, I did a lot of these things and they are mistakes I made or someone close to me made. I’m not trying to be cold or uncaring so please don’t read it that way. If you’ve been broken up with, then chances are that you are in some pain and justly so. But it is pain we have all experienced. You’ve been in a routine for a long time and now someone you were close to has been removed from your life. The bad part is there is a chance you still may have to interact with that person. The truth is that relationships (whether friendship or romantic) make you vulnerable. You open up to someone else and you take the chance you will be hurt. The key is to learn from your mistakes and go forward from there.
In the end, just remember that it is better to lose a lover than to love a loser.
So let’s say you have just had the person you really care for break up with you. That person may have said some hurtful things and now your whole body just kind of aches. You know that ache you get when you have the flu? Yeah that one. Now you need someone to comfort your but that person is no longer there. You feel terrible and it seems like it can’t get any worse.
Any of us who has ever been in any sort of meaningful relationship and saw it end has been there. So what do you do now?
First thing is get your mind off the other person. Find something to distract you. There are lots of things you can do. Hang out with your other friends, start a drug habit, learn to play an instrument, take tap lessons, or just do something you enjoy. The key thing is to get your mind off the other person and to start to get into a new routine. You two were probably spending a lot of time together and had a routine together. Break it and start doing other things.
Do something nice for yourself. You have likely put a decent amount of your income into this relationship. You now probably have some excess disposable income that you are no longer spending on your ex. So use that money on yourself. Go out and buy a new DVD or some music by your favorite group. Answer one of those SPAM e-mails about winning the lottery in another country and send the person money. Buy some new clothes. Go to a movie with friends. Eat at your favorite restaurant. Just do something that you wouldn’t normally do to make yourself feel better.
A controversial one is do not think you will get back together. Your circumstance may be unique. Maybe your relationship is constantly on again off again. If that’s true than skip this advice. In most cases, during a breakup one person will tell the other that “may we can get back together at some point†or “I think we need a break for a little whileâ€. 90% of the time it is a lie. One person will say this because they aren’t a complete bastard and want to help ease the pain. The point is that dwelling on the hope of reconciliation is usually a mistake. You eventually need to move on and start seeing other people.
That brings me to my next point. Start to feel better and stop dwelling on it. I know that sounds harsh and there is nothing wrong with crying about it. If you really cared about the person you probably are going to feel terrible for a few days or possibly a week. That fact is that you can’t cry forever. Take a few days or even a week to express your pain and then start to get into a new routine. There is really a greater self-esteem issue if you feel like this is hopeless and you can’t live without the person. If you are so depressed that you can’t imagine life without them, I suggest seeing a doctor and talking with a professional so that you don’t hurt yourself or someone else.
Another thing is feel free to resent the other person and what they did. If someone dumped you and treated you poorly, it is ok to be angry about it. I am not saying that you never forgive the person or that you hold onto it forever. That is just unhealthy. What I’m saying is that it is ok to be mad and it is ok to dislike them for whatever they did.
Finally, try to avoid your ex. You dated them for a long enough time that you should know what their schedule is like. Don’t hang out at places you know where they are going to be. If you are in college then you know what time they have classes and where they have class. You know they take underwater aerobics classes on Thursday mornings. Simply, you know where they are and where they aren’t. Choose to avoid them and go someplace else.
So now that we have dealt with things to help you out. Here are some things you can do to help out your friends while you go through this breakup.
Please do not use Myspace, Twitter, Facebook, or any other social networking tool as a way to express your sorrow. I personally don’t have facebook and I never check my old Myspace account; however, please do not make your status say things like “John feels like his heart has been torn out.†“Tiffany is in utter despair.†or “Nick is bleeding out in the bathtub.†All it is going to do is cause people to send you messages asking if everything is ok or it will annoy them, possibly both.
Please spare us all from the rebounding. Just don’t do it. People are sympathetic to the person who has just broken up after a long term relationship but people start to get skeptical and point at you judgingly when you are inconsolable after your 3rd or 4th break up in a couple of months, especially if it is with the same person. I’m not saying there is no chance you and your ex will get back together. You might. But don’t keep running back to them over and over again or it is just going to get old.
Please don’t defend the actions of your ex. If your friends call him/her names or say you can do better, then just agree. I’m not saying you dwell on it and bash him/her every chance you get. Then you are just bitter. Your friends are trying to make you feel better and it becomes annoying if you just keep defending your ex.
Please defend yourself. Don’t talk about how it is all your fault and they were justified in what they did. That isn't being graceful, it is being a doormat. In a breakup, usually both people share some blame. You shouldn’t tell everyone it was your fault even if it was. Don’t dwell in self-loathing and realize that they shared in the breakup too.
Finally, please do not go around acting bitter about it. Don’t be that guy/girl who constantly brings up their ex and bashes them. You just come across as bitter and if you do it too much your friends are probably going to get annoyed by it and stop talking to you. Not to mention the fact that any potential girlfriend/boyfriend does not want to hear about your ex all the time and is going to find it off-putting that you always bash them to others. It is ok to resent what they did but eventually you must move on.
Again, I did a lot of these things and they are mistakes I made or someone close to me made. I’m not trying to be cold or uncaring so please don’t read it that way. If you’ve been broken up with, then chances are that you are in some pain and justly so. But it is pain we have all experienced. You’ve been in a routine for a long time and now someone you were close to has been removed from your life. The bad part is there is a chance you still may have to interact with that person. The truth is that relationships (whether friendship or romantic) make you vulnerable. You open up to someone else and you take the chance you will be hurt. The key is to learn from your mistakes and go forward from there.
In the end, just remember that it is better to lose a lover than to love a loser.
