Might As Well post another blog entry, so I can just be attacked again, by all the mavens who know so much about my life. Question for me becomes, how much do I put up with.. before I say "I'm outta here".
Forgetting about anything else in my life. (Job, my father, my horrible extended family, etc, etc).
If I were to meet a woman, I'm most concerned,with meeting someone who understands me, regardless of age.. background, educational level. The only thing I don't want, is a BBW, because those do not turn me on in the least.
The truth is: I have met that woman, Maria.. and, unfortunately, for whatever reason, even though she likes me a great deal as a person, and said she can't talk to anyone else but me.. we aren't going to be together as I'd wished.
I've opened up to her about everything. Taxes, my situation with my father, failed businesses, lived with mom til I was 42.. haven't had a "Real job", etc, etc. She didn't flinch. Her reply was "Does any of that matter? You're a great person. " She even didn't seem fazed by my admission about my fetishes, except for telling me she's not ticklish, and saying she has "Ugly feet".
The problem for me, is that I know she doesn't want to be with me seriously. It's one of two things. I think she's hung up on her ex bf, who has been harassing her, and also she claims that she doesn't want to be serious with anyone. (Something which the geniuses on this site who know the situation so well, think she told me "because she wants to let me down easily"). They don't know her, or her personality If she wanted to tell me to fuck off, she would. She''s not shy.
What is enraging me now, and will continue to.. even if I find a "Job" next week..
If I decide I want to try and find someone. (Being alone is a lot more difficult to ignore in this city than it was when I lived in Lancaster) Beautiful women, nice bare feet everywhere.
What,, exactly.. do I tell that person? How much am I really required to tell them? Do they really have to know about "Tax problems", "Failed businesses".. or "Mitch lived with mom until he was 42".
My dad says no. While I rarely agree with him about anything.. I do about this. Telling someone only leaves me open for attack by that person.. the same way as I have been attacked on this site.
The part that is the most frustrating.. is that I'm not looking forward to the whole "Getting to know" phase of a relationship, again. Maria and I have done that part already, for hours, even though we have never been out on an "official date".
I was not happy last Thursday at dinner when my father suggested I find a "Fuck buddy". To me, that is so shallow, and meaningless, even if it did happen. Knowing my personality, even if I could find a "Fuck buddy", I wouldn't want to,.. because.. my attitude would be "Fine, so she and I fuck.. no matter how pretty she is,. what do I do with her the other.. 23 hours and 45 minutes of the day".
I could live with the idea of someone who was extremely ticklish, not wanting to be tickled all the time. If she was truly afraid of heights, I wouldn't badger her to stand on a ladder barefoot. If she truly wasn't ticklish, but had the other qualities, I'd deal with it. If she said "You cant play with my feet, ever", that would be a problem.
Maria understands other things about me. My enjoyment of going to the casino. (Because she is a shopaholic, and spends her money in other ways) as well as my enjoyment of Mr Jim Gardner every night, for however much longer he will be there. If I met someone who didn't understand those things, I don't think I could be with that person.
I know for a fact that my family will "encourage" me to find someone, the minute things are settled with whatever "job", and business, I end up with.
I don't plan to rush into anything. The way I feel, with the heartbreak, and disappointment, I've had the last three years, someone is going to have to be,, really.. really really special.. to get me to want to be with them. If the person is someone like.. my father.. who is fixated on my faults.. then fuck it. I'm perfectly okay with being alone.
Admission time.,. but I really don't care if the reaction isn't good. All that matters is how I feel.
I love Maria. I don't care if she's "50 years old" "Not Educated" "A professional door person". "A Simpleton", etc. (All those putdowns, by the way, are from the bf, who has been harassing her, who she is probably going to reconcile with). I cant judge her. I was tied up (No pun intended) for a long time to someone who used to say the worst things to me.
Why do I "Love her".. She's been kind to me, something I haven't had for a long time.. and.. she understands me.. something very few people do.
Alas.. I have no choice but to accept what is.
So. go on..whatever will be after that admission.. go for it.
Today is my.. 11th anniversary with the forum.. Do I have reason to go for a 12th?
Forgetting about anything else in my life. (Job, my father, my horrible extended family, etc, etc).
If I were to meet a woman, I'm most concerned,with meeting someone who understands me, regardless of age.. background, educational level. The only thing I don't want, is a BBW, because those do not turn me on in the least.
The truth is: I have met that woman, Maria.. and, unfortunately, for whatever reason, even though she likes me a great deal as a person, and said she can't talk to anyone else but me.. we aren't going to be together as I'd wished.
I've opened up to her about everything. Taxes, my situation with my father, failed businesses, lived with mom til I was 42.. haven't had a "Real job", etc, etc. She didn't flinch. Her reply was "Does any of that matter? You're a great person. " She even didn't seem fazed by my admission about my fetishes, except for telling me she's not ticklish, and saying she has "Ugly feet".
The problem for me, is that I know she doesn't want to be with me seriously. It's one of two things. I think she's hung up on her ex bf, who has been harassing her, and also she claims that she doesn't want to be serious with anyone. (Something which the geniuses on this site who know the situation so well, think she told me "because she wants to let me down easily"). They don't know her, or her personality If she wanted to tell me to fuck off, she would. She''s not shy.
What is enraging me now, and will continue to.. even if I find a "Job" next week..
If I decide I want to try and find someone. (Being alone is a lot more difficult to ignore in this city than it was when I lived in Lancaster) Beautiful women, nice bare feet everywhere.
What,, exactly.. do I tell that person? How much am I really required to tell them? Do they really have to know about "Tax problems", "Failed businesses".. or "Mitch lived with mom until he was 42".
My dad says no. While I rarely agree with him about anything.. I do about this. Telling someone only leaves me open for attack by that person.. the same way as I have been attacked on this site.
The part that is the most frustrating.. is that I'm not looking forward to the whole "Getting to know" phase of a relationship, again. Maria and I have done that part already, for hours, even though we have never been out on an "official date".
I was not happy last Thursday at dinner when my father suggested I find a "Fuck buddy". To me, that is so shallow, and meaningless, even if it did happen. Knowing my personality, even if I could find a "Fuck buddy", I wouldn't want to,.. because.. my attitude would be "Fine, so she and I fuck.. no matter how pretty she is,. what do I do with her the other.. 23 hours and 45 minutes of the day".
I could live with the idea of someone who was extremely ticklish, not wanting to be tickled all the time. If she was truly afraid of heights, I wouldn't badger her to stand on a ladder barefoot. If she truly wasn't ticklish, but had the other qualities, I'd deal with it. If she said "You cant play with my feet, ever", that would be a problem.
Maria understands other things about me. My enjoyment of going to the casino. (Because she is a shopaholic, and spends her money in other ways) as well as my enjoyment of Mr Jim Gardner every night, for however much longer he will be there. If I met someone who didn't understand those things, I don't think I could be with that person.
I know for a fact that my family will "encourage" me to find someone, the minute things are settled with whatever "job", and business, I end up with.
I don't plan to rush into anything. The way I feel, with the heartbreak, and disappointment, I've had the last three years, someone is going to have to be,, really.. really really special.. to get me to want to be with them. If the person is someone like.. my father.. who is fixated on my faults.. then fuck it. I'm perfectly okay with being alone.
Admission time.,. but I really don't care if the reaction isn't good. All that matters is how I feel.
I love Maria. I don't care if she's "50 years old" "Not Educated" "A professional door person". "A Simpleton", etc. (All those putdowns, by the way, are from the bf, who has been harassing her, who she is probably going to reconcile with). I cant judge her. I was tied up (No pun intended) for a long time to someone who used to say the worst things to me.
Why do I "Love her".. She's been kind to me, something I haven't had for a long time.. and.. she understands me.. something very few people do.
Alas.. I have no choice but to accept what is.
So. go on..whatever will be after that admission.. go for it.
Today is my.. 11th anniversary with the forum.. Do I have reason to go for a 12th?
